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I am no longer a DM. I never wish to be one again. Seriously, it doesn't work. The players will.... destroy you. They break you down, one piece at a time, until there's nothing left. Nothing at all. God help us.

Now, after that melodramatic introduction, here's LoneLictor's beguiling tale of DMing for all you youngsters out there who ever want to be a GM. This story starts out kind of slow and boring, but it gets better. Hopefully you can learn something from my mistakes. My campaign lasted 2.5 years. So, I started out with a single player. I let him have 3 characters cuz he needed a bigger party and then he had some NPCs to help him.

The Campaign is Born
The first three adventures were good. So I decided to bring in two other players. Now, it was obviously unfair that the one guy had 3 characters, but the other characters couldn't have 3 players so we got into an argument. He claimed that he had put a ton of work into all 3 characters, all of which had unique personalities and abilities. All of them were reptilian humanoid bruisers who disliked magic. We pointed this out repeatedly. He did not acknowledge it. Finally, we got him to agree to get rid of one character so he automatically threw away the character sheet that had rolled the worst for his starting abilities.

The Paladin
One of the new players played a Locathan (fish/lobster/man monster) Paladin named Xendo. He was a Paladin in name only. Things he has done; steal from the party, rob graves, kill people for annoying him, kill for the fun of it and kill when bored. I'll delve more into this later, but one adventure ended up being Gort (the other new player, a half-elf fighter who loved his falchion) trying to spring him from prison after the Paladin crashed a funeral with hilarious and then horrifying results.

Will-o-Whisps
During one adventure I had the players go out onto this mysterious island. And they accomplished pretty much everything in the adventure (killed the big bad and gotz more loot than they could carry but we fudged the rules so that they could because otherwise it would really over-complicate the game and gak) and were going to leave in my boat. Now, one of the players had to leave early, so there was just the guy with 2 characters, Morpheus and Rontorgone, and another player with a half-elf fighter named Gork. I had them see a distant light in the forest cause I was bored.

Morpheus and Rontorgone immediately set out to follow the light and Gork came with them because they made up 66% of the current party. They went out into the woods. I explained that the light kept on moving faster and that the sun was setting and that they didn't know where they were going. Gork suggested that they should run if they wanted to catch up. They did that.

I had an NPC warn them that it might be a Will-o-Whisp and that they didn't know where they were going. Rontorgone and Morpheus yelled at him and kept going. Finally it was sunset. None of the characters had remembered to buy an torches, sunrods or daylight spells. Luckily the NPC had some. He warned them again. They told him to shut up.

I alerted them that they had been following it for 4 hours now and had no clue where they were and they would probably need to stop for rest and food soon. Gork said that they needed to go even faster now. Rontorgone and Morpheus agreed. I had the NPC warn them again and point out that they were lost and should cut their losses. They told him to shut up again.

Finally the Will-o-Whisp stopped because it was in the direct center of the forest and wasn't sure where to go now. So the players caught up and asked what it looked like and what could be holding the light. "It is the light."

"Oh crap, it was a Will-o-Whisp," said Rontorgone and Morpheus.

"What should we do?" asked Gork.

"I warned you guys."

"I stab it!" Gork exclaimed as he slashed at the air and around the table with an imaginary sword. "I stab the Will-o-Whisp with my falchion!"

I flipped through the Monster Manual and saw that Will-o-Whisps were really endurable. It was almost impossible to damage them with non-magic weaponry. And they had no magic weaponry. The falchion went straight through it. So Morpheus shot an arrow at it and Rontorgone slashed at it with his twin rapiers. Nothing happened. And then it was the WIll-o-Whisp's turn. It turns out they have some nice magic. It electrically shocked Gork. Enraged, Gork stabbed it again. Morpheus shot an arrow at it again and Rontorgone slashed at it with his twin rapiers again.

So, here the players were, lost in the middle of a forest in the middle of the night fighting an invincible and malignant foe.

I did what any DM would do. "You know that Dragon you helped in the earlier quest?"

"Kinda."

"What?"

"Yeah, that Dragon. Well, he swoops down and breaths fire on the Will-Whisp and kills it and offers to fly you home."

"Sweet."

New Player
The guy who had two characters recruited a friend into the campaign. He rarely showed up and when he did he never role played, just killed things with his ridiculously over powered Grey Elf Wizard whose name escapes me. He loved fireball, empowered fireball, prismatic ray and shocking hands. That's all I remember. My brain is turning to slush. HDFkdahsf

Cohorts
This is one of my favorite parts of this campaign. Gort got the feat Leadership, which meant he could get a cohort. And he got a pretty high level one. The cohort just tagged along, helping him and stuff. During one adventure, the players had to go on a massive hike through an extremely hot and rancid bog, with all of their supplies. Gort was wearing fullplate and was suffering quite badly. So, here's what he did.

He told his cohort, "Give me a piggy-back ride."

"The cohort is only Level 7 with strength 11, and you're a 160 pound half elf in fullplate armor with a sword, shield and food for the next week."

"So? He's my cohort. He has to do what I say."

"Okay."

After 10 minutes of carrying him, the cohort collapsed from fatigue. I rolled, and he slipped in the murky waters of the swamp and broke his legs against some rock thingy. He was lying in the muck, moaning and clutching his broken legs. Desperate, the cohort begged Gork to help him, as he couldn't walk anymore. Xendo and Gort had burst out laughing. Rontorgone and Morpheus didn't care.

"We leave him behind," said Gort.

"He'll die out here you know. You guys have all the supplies and he can't move his legs."

"We leave him behind," Gort repeated.

Despite this, Gort's leadership score was still high enough so that he could get another cohort, albeit one of a lower level that was a tad less fanatic and loyal to him. So, he got his new cohort. This one died in his first adventure. The players were going through a standard Dungeon crawl and they stumbled onto a Hydra. Due to a series of bad rolls, the Hydra was too powerful for the party to handle. Then, Gort had a genius idea.

"Cohort!" he yelled, having not yet learned his name. "Charge at the Hydra's central head and distract it so we can kill it!"

"Yes, sir!"

After the cohort charged, Gort shouted, "Run while he's distracted!" And that's what they did. Morpheus left last, so he was able to see the cohort being gorily devoured by all 9 nines of the Hydra.

Unfortunately, Gort's score was still high enough for a very pathetic and begrudging cohort. This one lasted about as long as the previous one. While trekking up a mountain, Gort demanded that he carry him, evidently having learned nothing from his first cohort. The minute Gort put all of his weight on the cohort he lost his grip and started tumbling down. Gort succeeded on his reflex save and was able to cling onto a nearby ledge. The cohort failed and fell to his death. Finally Gort's leadership score was too low for anyone to ever like him ever and as a result I didn't have to make the stats for any more goddamn cohorts.

A Series of Betrayals and In-party Fighting
I've noticed a lot of these stories involve traveling. The campaign was a lot about LotR type quests, so a lot of the fighting came from natural hazards, border guards and foes actively hunting you from the beginning. Anyways, at one point the characters were sailing through the ocean on a small boat. So, a guy known as the Captain was the only person who knew how to man the boat and navigate. He kept the maps hidden from the other players so that they were dependent on him and therefore wouldn't kill him. It didn't work. Anyways, the Captain was friends with Rontorgone and Morpheus, who had decided to indulge in some roleplaying and talk to him even if it wasn't plot important or violent.

Gort was impatient and bored with the Captain. So, while sailing on some calm seas, he shouted, "I WANNA BE THE CAPTAIN!" and struck the Captain from behind with his trusty falchion, which was now magically enhanced and quite badass. The Captain swung an axe at him, but obviously couldn't win. All he could do was go out fighting. Gort struck him again.

"No!" shouted Morpheus or Rontorgone (not sure which, maybe both). "We need him! Don't kill him! Gort stop!"

"I WANNA BE THE CAPTAIN!"

So Morpheus shot at Gort with his crossbow while Rontorgone charged him. Now the tide had turned and Gort was screwed. However, Gort had become the favored Champion of Zeus (who was a God in my campaign) and Zeus was known for frequently intervening in mortal affairs. He attacked Rontorgone with lightning, bring him down to half HP. If the Captain hadn't distracted Gort then, Gort could've probably finished him off.

Xendo noticed the fighting and, being a sociopathic gore obsessed nutjob, decided to join in without even knowing what was going on and who was on which side. He attacked Morpheus first, who then attacked him with his crossbow to no effect. He proceeded to attack the Captain, then Gort, then the Captain again. Only due to a series of good rolls was the Captain merely crippled, not dead. Finally Gort comprehended that he couldn't win and surrendered, letting the Captain remain the Captain. Xendo, sensing the fighting had stopped, sheathed his weapon and hid in his quarters until the next fight.

Xendo really should've been a Black Guard. Paladins are supposed to lose all their abilities when they don't act Lawful Good. I kinda messed up there.

OOC Fighting
After a ton of sessions, the person playing Morpheus and Rontorgone was getting bored of the game. He often played videogames/computer, which distracted the rest of the party and meant that no one could play. So one day I found a squirt gun hidden in the back of the room and half jokingly-half seriously said if he hijacked the game again I'd spray him. Of course he hijacked the game by suggesting to the other players that they do something else. So I sprayed him in the chest. And he tackled me.

We wrestled and fought for the gun for several tense moments. When it finally ended we sat back down and resumed the game. This was when the campaign was in clear decline.

Xendo Crashes the Funeral
Xendo heard that the King had died and decided to go to his funeral. It was open casket. And he had all of the royal jewels, his crown and some pimpin' rings on. So, DURING THE FUNERAL AND WITH OVER FORTY PEOPLE AND THE ROYAL GUARD WATCHING he started prying the rings off.

The sobbing Queen smacked him in the face. He said he swung his sword at her to "just knock her away." And he rolled a critical. And max damage. And cut her head off. Essentially, he tried to steal from the dead King and killed the widowed Queen.

The rest of the adventure was Gort trying to spring him from prison before his execution. He succeeded.



I'm sure there are more stories, but I can't remember them now. I feel nostalgic. I should start up another campaign.

Yup, you made what I'd consider a lot of beginner Gm mistakes. Don't feel bad, you're not the first and won't be the last.

My most basic advice as someone who considers himself an 'above average' (but not great) GM (I game with a great GM, and he's not perfect) is the following:

1. Set expectations: If you didn't do this and were surprised you got a load of self-interested psycopaths, that's your answer. If nothing else, say, "I'm looking for the game to be like Movie X or Book Y." with the hope that you'll get characters somewhat in this mold. Don't be too restrictive, but reject or try to compromise. Don't bury change-ups, either: if you want to do a redemption story about bandit-types that join the rebellion or otherwise turn around and become heros, give them some hint and make sure you have some way of motivating characters, even if you ask "So, what would make your lizardman gangster pimp change his ways and join the fight against the evil empire?"

2.Use the guideline of "Is this fun for the players?" at all times. The incident you mention on a ship could have been player boredom... If you're using ship stuff, make sure the rules are as minimal as possible. If you want to be picky and deal with some arcane system you found for 'official' rules to see if the ship makes it on time, without mishap, etc. that's fine if the PCs are involved. If they're just passengers, hand-wave it or pre-roll it and get to a scene where the players can do something cool. If they're able to have a meaningful impact, that's at least potentially fun.

3. The PCs are the stars of the movie. They may not be the best characters (morally or power-level) but they are the most interesting by definition. Of course, they also

As a few specific notes.

The guy killing the queen probably should have been considered to be doing subdual damage or similar.

I'm not sure if this was exact to the rules, but 'cohorts' got minimized in our group as it was ruled they earned a share of XP...

The Will-O-Wisp is kind of a 'Bastard GM Trick' by this point. perhaps not as much as the classic Rust Monster or a few others, but still overdone and a bit cheap. On the other hand, you went out of your way to warn them, which was a good move! I'd say having the dragon rescue them was probably not the best move... An interesting idea would be to have the WoW lead them somewhere interesting and abandon them. Drop them off at a lost ruin or mine, and now they're lost, but have a juicy adventure site to explore.

Well, this was my first campaign and I have to agree, I made a lot of mistakes. I think I was only 10 or 11 when the campaign started, as were my friends, so we were very, very, very immature.

One thing you have to remember as a GM... you don't have to save them. The will 'o wisp thing? That's their own damned fault let them die and create new characters. If you need to keep them alive then you can fall back on the old 'it's being controlled by someone else, and has orders to take them alive' trick.
And one thing to remember with cohorts is they may be loyal, but they aren't always stupid. In the case of the first one make him seem contrite that he's unable to carry everything, but adamant in his refusal to break his legs just so his 'master' can be lazy. And above all, make things have consequenses. Especially regarding a Paladin. If he can't stay on the path of Rightiousness and Law then take him aside and ask if he would rather play a fighter. Or even better, take all his abilities and give him a vision of his god showing him the path. If they just want to hack and slash fine. But paladin's aren't good for that kind of party (usually)

One of the new players played a Locathan (fish/lobster/man monster) Paladin named Xendo.

What a strange place D&D became!

Seriously though, finding a good gaming group is the Holy Grail we're all after...

Read your post and all the way through I kept having "Why did you/they..." thoughts. I read some of the responses and got to the one where you said your group was about 10-11yrs old at the time...and then went "Ah, that makes sense then".

At this point I can tell the errors and why it went the way it did. Although, you really can't base GMing on that experience alone and I would encourage you to try again. It isn't an easy job, I will admit that, but it is one that can be loads of fun if you have the right people.

I don't know how you are now, but just remember that you were dealing with kids who want to just hit things all the time. Sort of reminds me a story that a guy I used to work with told me when trying to teach his 9yr old to play D&D.

Dad: You see an old man at the bar.
Kid: I am going hit him!
Dad: You can talk to him, you know?
Kid: Ok, I am going to tell him I am going to hit him!

And that right there summed up your game for me.