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Prolouge
All Terios ever wanted to be was a Blood Angel. His dreams were filled with combat and adventure. He longed to be somebody, a name feared by aliens and daemons alike.
Now was his chance. They were coming to cybele, and Terios was determined to be leaving with them. A hunter by birth, he had mastered the art of killing with the primitive weapons used by his tribe. He longed to fire the almighty bolter, to wield the awesome chainsword, or to feel the heat of a plasma rifle. His dreams were the closest he had ever gotten. Today that would all change.

I agreed with shadowsnip so heres the longer reedited prolouge i think sounds better


Terios awoke to a sharp crack, he sat upright slowly examining the direction he thought he had heard the sound. When nothing emerged he moved slowly to his father, who was lying asleep axross what remained from there fire. "Dad... DAD...." Terios whispered as he shook him awake. "whats is it Terios?" His father asked. "I heard a loud snap from the bushes, then it was...." His father cut him off and motioned for him to be silent. The bushes behind Terios began to rustle and shake, Terios' father slowly stood up, Terios following suit. He motioned for Terios to retrieve their weapons, His fathers spear and a crude bow and arrows for each of them. Terios grabbed them and slowly returned to his father, who hadnt moved since he stood. And passed him his weapons. His father slowly equipped himself, making no sudden moves and never taking his eyes off the bush. Terios stepped back from his father watching for a sign, something to tell him what was behind the bush. The rusting suddenly stopped, the eerie silence did nothing to help the tension in the air, Terios slowly began to move towards the bush but a quick motion from his father made him stop. His father began to slowly move towards the bush, spear drawn and ready. Terios drew his bow, knocked an arrow, and waited. The leaves under the bush rustled, Terios' father stopped and moved into a defensive stance. The rustling got louder and louder, until flash of fur leaped out from underneath and ran up the nearest tree. Terios followed the movement until it stopped, and began to laugh. His father soon joined in as he saw that it was nothing more then a mere grox youngling. Then everything seemed to move in slowmotion, An impossibly large Creon, A wolflike species native to Cybele, Flew out over the bush towards his father. Terios and his father both acted on instinct, Terios released his arrow and his father attempted to bring the spear into the beasts belly. The arrow merely bounced off the hide of the Creon, an unusual fact not lost upon Terios, but his father wasnt fast enough. The Creon tackled him to the ground, its claws digging deep into his shoulders. Terios' father let out a loud grunt as he hit the ground, rolling in an attmpt to shake off the beast. The creon lifted one of its paws, each easily the size of a grown mans forearm, and slashed through his shirt and left a row of deep gashes across his chest, a loud scream of pain from Terios' father was follow quickly by a pained," TERIOS! RUN!!" Terios was frozen by fear, the monster was bigger then anything he had ever seen. but he was shaken back into reality by his father, when he shouted again, "TERIOS!!!! RUN! NOW!!!" Terios just couldnt bear the thought of leaving his father to this beast. Then Terios saw the spear, his fathers spear that fell to the ground when the monster attacked. lying, unfortunately, on the other side of the firepit. Terios decided and reacted. He ran for the spear, the beast saw his movement and lept off his father nearly flying through the air. Terios was nearly at the spear, but the Creon was closing too fast, he wouldnt reach it in time. Terios dove to the ground sliding short of the spear but dodging the Creons flying bulk as it flew inches above his back. He scrambled towards the spear flashing his eyes back and forth between the spear and the Creon, but his eyes locked on the beast as it began to run towards him, its eyes dark and hungry, claws coated with blood, with a shock Terios realized that this WAS his fathers blood. Terios gave into a rage, a dark rage he was taught by his father to never bring to the surface. but that didnt matter now, his father was on the ground dying, and Terios would be next if he couldnt stop this thing. he felt his hand close around the shaft of the spear, and with more strength then he knew he possessed he threw the spear towards the monster, The spear struck home, and plunged into the creon just above his shoulder blade. the monster dropped and laid motionless on the ground. Terios ran to his father, The blood pouring out of his wounds. Terios pulled his shirt off and tried to stop the bleeding of his fathers chest. His father was groaning, slipping in and out of consciousness. Terios could feel tears form and start to roll down his cheeks. "DONT DIE DAD! YOU HEAR ME! YOU... WILL... Not... die..." The tears were flowing now, Terios couldnt stop them but he didnt care. His dad grabbed his arm, a feeble grip, unnatural to terios, his father had always had a strong guiding hand, now it was Terios who was guiding him. "Theres something you need to know.." his father strained, the effort of talking was obviously painful, Terios could see it in his eyes. "You have always been meant for something Terios. A greater calling, ive seen it since you were very young. and i know youll find it somehow, someway. I believe in you Terios." His father used all his remaining strength and sat up, he grasped Terios in a bear hug and cryed. Terios heard him whisper, "im sorry i wont be there to see it. But ill be watching over you, By the emperor i will always watch over you." and with that his father laid down his breathing weak and slow, Terios couldnt believe this was happening. His father was the only one left. His mother... she was dead. she had died during his birth. and now he was loosing the only person he had left. his fathers breathing grew weaker with every second. "I wont let you down dad." Terios stammered, "ill make you proud." The tears were streaming down his face now. "You already have, you always have son. and you always will." his father gave him a weak smile, then he laid his head back, and his breathing slowed and then stopped. Terios screamed "NO!! NO!!! NO!!!!!!! NOOOO!!!!" then in barely an audible whisper,"im sorry dad... im so sorry."
Terios stood up, his sadness had been replaced with rage. The only emotion he felt or cared about now. he turned, he wanted to make the Creon suffer. But the beast was gone.. the spear laid bloody on the ground, Terios followed the trail of blood in to the bushes where the beast came from. He swore that he would come after that beast some. He would have his vengance. He walked over and picked up the spear, he felt its weight in his hands. the weapon of his father. This was all he had left. he fell to his knees. the grief was too much. He bent over and cried. He didnt care. after some time had past he stood up, using the spear as a staff to hold up his weight. he turned, slowly moving towards his father again, He picked him up and slowly began the long walk back to their village.
The service was short. him and his father were not popular people, they lived in the town but spent more time then not in the forests hunting. Only Terios and a few friends of his family were there. Terios couldnt believe this had happened. It all still felt like one long crazy dream. one that he desperately wanted to wake up from.
He needed to avenge his father. The creon must die. He packed the next day, enough supplies for a week in the wild. Then he set off. The first place he went to was the area where his father died. from there he traced the blood trail as far as he could, from their he had to rely on his skills in natural tracking, following the crushed leaves, the broken sticks, and the claw marks in the earth. Eventually the trail led him to a large cave in a cliff face. He lit one of his arrows and shot it into the cave, illuminating the opening area. Bones of animals large and small, some he could have sworn were human, littered the area, some broken but all were covered with teeth marks. Terios slowly moved to the center of the light, the arrow he had fired, and picked it up. Then he fired it again. ever deeper into the cave. This time the arrow struck rock. He had reached the end of the cave. The beast wasnt home. Terios chose to ambush the Creon when it came home. so he came to the edge of the cave and extinguished the flame. There he sat, eyes closed listening, waiting. He was unmoving for uncountable hours. when a rustling in the brush finally alerted him something was coming, the sun had set and the world was dark. Terios slowly crept to the edge of the cave, just inside the darkness. the Creon moved into the area around the cave, carrying its latest catch in its mouth. Terios wanted to lunge but he knew that he wouldnt get far. so he contained his rage and waited, he waited while the beast ate, and he waited while it sat and watched the moon. it wasnt until the moon was high in the sky that the creon slowly turned and crept towards its cave. Terios waited until the beast was merely 5 or 6 feet away. then he let his rage free. With a loud scream Terios charged, bringing his fathers spear to the position he had learned. he rammed it into the side of the beast, it howled in pain and ran into the cave. taking the embedded spear with it. Terios drew his bow and slowly moved around the perimeter of the cave mouth. Trying to catch a glimpse of the monster. He moved back around the cave mouth again, only stopping when he heard claws scraping stone. He had made it halfway around the cave mouth when a sharp scrape echoed through the cave, and the creon Appeared like death itself, flying out of the darkness at an astounding speed. Terios fired his arrow, it cut the monster but still bounced off its hide. the Beast crashed into him like a rock, throwing him far out of the cave, he dropped his bow, and the beast ran to it and, astoundingly smart for such a simple beast, snapped it in half. Terios was defenseless. Where was the spear?! Terios thought to himself. Then he remembered, the beast had taken it into the cave. it was somewhere in the darkness and in there, the creon had the advantage. The Beast knew he was cornered, it was playing with him. pacing around like an entertained cat. terios waited till it faced away from him, then ran as fast as he could into the darkness of the cave, he frantically felt around for the spear, finding bones and rocks but the spear was avoiding him. Then his hand closed around its shaft. He whipped it around as fast as he could, hoping to avoid an attack from the back, when he saw that the creon was waiting, just sitting, just outside the mouth of the cave. "Something is wrong here" terios thought to himself. A beast this primitive shouldnt know all these things.. it broke my bow, it cornered me in a cave. What else is this beast capable of?
Terios felt helpless. how could he hope to defeat a monster as smart and deadly as this?! but it didnt matter. Terios decided that he would either kill this beast or die trying. He steeled his nerve and as slowly and as quietly as he could he moved close to the mouth of the cave. Once there he waited making sure that the beast was still, when he launched. He moved as if he was flying and brought the spear to release the killing blow. But the beast just simply wasnt there. one moment it was there then the next it was gone. Terios crashed to the ground and rolled onto his knees, watching his surroundings looking for where this thing was. He heard a short rustle behind him and turned around, but he was too late. The monster was mere inches form his face, just like that fateful night, time slowed, Terios could smell the creatures breath, he could see its rippling muscle, He began to feel the weight of the creon crash into him, he could feel the claws cutting into his skin, but out of the corner of his eye he saw movement, faster then he thought possible, followed by a flash of light. A hole exploded in the center of the creon and its deadweight crashed into Terios, He wormed his way out from underneath to look for his rescuer. A man taller then any he had ever seen. nearly 8 feet tall was standing in the brush, holding a gun larger then Terios' torso. the barrel still smoking from the killing blow it had just delivered. "Who are you?" Terios asked. "I am Pelor." responded the tall figure. "I am a blood angel, one of the legions of adeptus astartes. The chosen of the emperor. A space marine. I have been following you since you returned with your father Terios, and your valor and courage has not gone unnoticed by those who look for those worthy of joining our ranks. I wanted to see how you handled a beast who, you could not have defeated with the tools at hand. You were outmatched Terios, yet you stayed. That is true courage. That Creon has been tainted by chaos. It has been dead a long time, or its mind has, it didnt feel pain, it didnt feel anything but hate and hunger. Thats why its hide was toughened, your strongest blows did almost nothing. you needed a weapon worthy of your courage. Come with me, and you will come down a path that will teach you how to be a true hunter, not just of the animals as you have been taught, but of xenos, mutants, and all enemies of the imperium. Come with me Terios. Choose the path, Of a Blood Angel."

Chapter 1
The rhino was becoming more of an oven with every minute they spent in it. Terios' legs and back repeatedly stuck to the seat, making a sickly sound whenever he shifted his weight to alleviate discomfort. Their was an occasional relief from the heat when the rhino stopped and a space marine led more recuits into the rhino. but the relief came at a cost. Every stop meant more recruits, less room and more heat. The rhino was as full as they could manage without pressing up against each other. Terios dwelled in his own thoughts, trying to distract himself from the heat, when the rhino came to a stop, " Oh great..." Terios said to himself "how many more this time?"
The back hatch opened with a loud hiss. Terios looked out, his eyes blinded by the bright light, as they slowly adjusted he barely made out a solitary silhouette standing in the doorway. The silhouette moved closer to the rhino and Terios could make out some details now, the man wore full space marine armor, the blood angels insignia gleaming across his chest in the midday sun. Terios began to drift back into his thoughts again when a loud rough voice yelled' "Up an adem boys! Move your asses! we got us a schedule to keep!"
Terios stood up, a relief from the cramped chair he had been stuck in for who knows how long, and walked out of the rhino with the rest of the trainees. As his eyes adjusted to the light outside he was astounded by the size of a massive building large enough to be a city. He wasn't the only one who noticed either, murmurs of astonishment and awe ripples through the mass of recruits. upon further examination of his surroundings he made out multiple rhinos parked in the near vicinity all unloading groups of recruits much like his own.
After waiting in the blistering heat for well over an hour while the recruiter marines, one from each rhino, conversed over things Terios barely heard and understood even less. They finally dispersed and returned to their eager, and somewhat impatent at this point, recruits and began to herd them all towards a courtyard just outside the outer walls of the large citystructure. Terios was getting increasingly excited, He barely could keep from shouting and jumping with joy.
As the groups arrived in the courtyard they all were jumbled together and hastily organized into what, at least probably among untrained men as they were, somewhat resembled ranks. there they were told to stay until given orders otherwise. They waited for perhaps 5 minutes before a large space marine wearing armor as dark as night that was adorned with robes white as the untouched snow, approached the stage. he drew a book from his belt and laid it across a podium set centerstage. The man removed his ornate helmet and clipped it to his belt. Then he began to read in a practiced orators voice. "You all live on a planet where your very existence is a testament to your bravery and strength, your martial prowess and your inner courage. You all are prime subjects for the honor of becoming a space marine, But not all of you shall. The training process is long and arduous. You shall not return home for a very long time, if you do at all. I am not going to lie to you. You will be strained and stretched to the point where your muscles feel as though they will burst and your bones feel as though they will break asunder. But this shall make you stronger! When you leave the training grounds you will no longer be just human, but a member of the elite ranks of the adeptus astartes. Those of you that survive will not falter, for you shall be DOOM INCARNATE! When duty calls you shall anwser! you shall not fear xenos, alian, mutant or heretic! For it will be they that fear your wrath! YOU SHALL HAVE NO FEAR!!" with that final statement the marine drew a crozius from his belt and hoisted it high in the air. an immediate response erupted throughout the entirety of the recruits, cheears hooting and hollering were all heard in a cacophany of sound, men were clapping, stomping and swinging hats or shirts in the air. The marine lowered the crozius slowly, and as he did the cheering died down as well.
He paused for a long moment before addressing the crowd again when it was silent," I am varanor, chaplain of the Blood angels second company. Welcome, to the Blood Angels."

I liked it a lot. It gripped me in the prologue and as i read I got more and more into it.

But It just seems like things move a little quickly, especially in the prologue.

He suddenly wakes up one day to have a space marine in his doorway. his dream has come true! yippy!

Thats the vibe i get. It seems very cliche that a kid wants to be a space marine then a space marine shows up and takes him to be trained.

how I would've done it if i wrote this would to make it seem more darker and more drawn out other than him instantly getting into the neophyte program or whatever. Why not show the reader that Terios is a badass kid who hunts with his father in a dark gritty world where death is about everywhere and so is pain?

I pictured this kid in a village, sort of a medieval village. Then I pictured him running out to the rhino with a big smile on his face. How did he know about the blood angels? Did his parents give a crap that he left?

"Terios almost fainted, this was the chance he had been waiting for almost his whole life. He quickly, and as calmly as he could even in this exciting moment, replied," Of course!"
and with that the space marine grabbed terios' shoulder and led Terios out to a waiting rhino, filled with others he recognized from his village. He strapped in to the roomy, although rather hot, vehicle and waited for his new life to begin."

lol no "see ya dad, I'm going to go be an epic space marine who kills people and is 7 feet tall" ?

It's an awesome idea in my opinion and I would love to see how a space marine is made through the eyes of a recruit. But the dark, grittyness isn't there and it just seems to good to be true. Read the first chapter of "the fall of reach" to get a better understanding of what i mean.

And keep writing it because I would like to read more!

Thanks for the feedback shadowsnip and i see some points in what youve said. i think i might write a reedited prolouge thats a little more drawn out with some background. and while i did move a little fast i assure you that it slows down as it gets to the more... interesting parts. i just wanted to add some background.

now, i havent written in a few days and ill write again in the next day or two i just like to read over and edit what i write. See you soon!

hey check the prologue again if you havent, i reedited it alot so its a better story now.

Haha now that makes sense! I'm excited for what comes next

Few things if I may.
Indentation, it was kind of hard to read since it was 5 huge paragraphs

The story is great, I like it even though there was a few hints of cliches but thats whatever I like it over all

At times it was hard to see the world, what Terios looks like, what his father looks like, what the Creon looks like. I understand you said "A wolf like species native to Cybele" but all I pictured was a werewolf sort of creature.

But I love how the Blood Angel showed up, I felt satisfaction and excitement. Lol its so much better than "Hey wana be a speeiss mahreen dood?" "yippy my dreams come true!!" It felt more real and gritty.

Keep writing you'll only get better and like I said, describe things more.

hey to anyone still checking this at all, im still here ive just been really busy for a while and ill be posting very soon