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Part 1
It was easy to pick them out. Clad in white, they clashed with the ashen grey terrain.
472 flicked back and forth between each target. though they seemed identical in their armour he could tell the difference.
There, one walked with a tiny limp, another surveyed the battlefield, checking for wounded yet another was engrossed in removing his brother's sacred organs.
The Celestial Lions astartes chapter. They had been fighting the orks on Armageddon for weeks now, this assault was their latest.
472 heard the noise of rapid movement.
A squad of initiates, their youngest warriors, was passing under him. They were able scouts, each armed with a sniper rifle and hidden by a camo cloaks, but even they failed to spot him, concealed atop the granite peak of the hill.

472 waited. His partner in this mission, 849, was somewhere here, also among the rocks and shadows of the foothills.
Their task lay before them.
472 chose his first target and his scope stalked him.

He wore the traditional white of his office, one of his pauldrons bore the symbol of Asclepius, an ancient symbol of his calling. The other pauldron bore the Golden Lion of his brotherhood set to a deep blue background. He stalked the battlefield, an angel of mercy.
472 tensed suddenly, he could hear sounds of gunfire.
The scouts had run into his cover, now his duty would begin.

They fell back, their fire discipline impressed 472, they were hard pressed by green-skins and on the brink of being overwhelmed.
They fell back further. Just as the first scout slung his rifle and drew his knife, aid came on wings of fire. A squad of jump pack specialists landed amongst the green-skins causing, havoc with their arrival. They quickly eliminated them and moved on to another target. Total time, 30 seconds.
The main ork horde rushed out of the canyons and gullies of the mountain range. Guided by an unknown force they fell upon 472's targets with no mercy.
Despite their situation the targets stayed organised.
Then 472 and 849 started firing.

472's first shot went almost unnoticed, the round slid into his neck staining his perfectly white breastplate with dark red blood. It took several seconds for his brothers to realise his death and 472 had already moved on.
849 was firing constantly and consistently, each shot killing, the sound of battle covering them.
472 scowled, his kind were not given too emotion but something about 849 was... wrong. 472 couldn't place it but he could see from his firing that he was off somehow.
A being such as 472 can read the personality of another by the way they fire a gun. It had never made sense to him, but as he watched 849's shots he recognised the feeling. 849 was enjoying this. In truth, there is some pleasure in a perfect shot, but this wasn't what 849 felt, he was enjoying the slaughter, the hopelessness of their targets before they died.
472 resolved to contact his masters concerning this after their mission.

He returned to firing.

His eighth target was indeed one of importance, His armour bore the symbols of higher office, the white was augmented by a gold inlay of intricate pattern and he held a plasma pistol in one armoured hand, the barrel smoking from firing. This target wore no helmet, it was magnetised to his belt, his features were stern and authoritarian but his eyes had a strange kindness to them. 472 watched him for what felt like an age before the unthinkable happened.

849 shot him.

The shot was... imperfect... disgraceful. It had hit the pauldron of the target and ricocheted off slicing through a green-skin as it left the battlefield. The target was sent spinning away, dazed but alive.
They started to fall back. Their ships, mighty leviathans of metal and faith, began firing, laying down a wall of fire between them and the next wave of greenskins.
They boarded their transports and left, taking their dead with them. 472 noticed the scouts, all but gone dragging several of their fallen onto a transport.
One target still lived among fifty of his brothers where once there was eight hundred.
A heavy toll indeed for the Lion's Pride.

Please C&C. Will add more later...

Nice writing, would like your comment about my own http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/429250.page

This I enjoyned. Im guessing Necros or some other sort of assasins?

I think it's obvious they are Space Marine Scouts Trondheim.

I was refering to 472 & his partner. but yes, I do posses some active braincells so I got the SM scout bit

Trondheim wrote:I was refering to 472 & his partner. but yes, I do posses some active braincells so I got the SM scout bit

When i get around to finishing it you may be able to guess but if you really want to know PM me and i will reveal all

Part 2

472 stared at the retreating transports. His rifle, slung across his back, was silent. For now.
His mission was incomplete. Such an event had never before happened.
Every target he had been challenged with lay dead. Peacefully or otherwise.
He had silenced rebellions, foiled daemonic plots and decapitated armies with a single shot.
Now, the last of his targets had escaped. All because of 849...
472's fists tightened, his only visible sign of anger. Many long years of training had given him control over his emotions. Few things would or could anger him but this - his mission was his purpose in life, his only purpose in life. If he failed in his mission he failed in his purpose. Now he and 849 would have to pursue them across the ashen wastes on foot. The journey would take them several weeks but 472 was confident they could make it.
472 began climbing down the jagged rock face, it was a difficult climb for a mortal being but 472 made it down easily and without incident.

472 crept to the fields of the dead. Shining blue armour lay shattered and surrounded by stinking green bodies. The barren, dead ground was rich with crimson blood and dark ichor. Many of the armoured forms had shattered breastplates where their genetic heritage had been reclaimed in the midst of battle. 472 stopped at their designated rendezvous point, an almost completely featureless spot amidst the field of the dead, 849 was no where to be seen.

Suddenly 472 felt a chill go down his spine. He spun around rifle raised and aimed, 849 was perched atop a greenskin dreadnought, he had removed his mask.
His face was a mess of scar tissue and more recent cuts some of them still bleeding, of all the cut the one that stood out among the rest was an eight pointed star slashed deeply into his forehead.
Though 472 was more proficient with firearms than bladed weapons even he could see they were self-inflicted.

849 had fallen to the forces of Chaos. It was almost unimaginable, for an assassin of the temple Vindicare to have succumbed to the darkness. It was worse than simply the single assassin. For 849 to have fallen there must have been corruption higher up in the temple or even the Inquisition.

These thoughts took 472 less than a second, all the while he was diving behind the corpse of an ork nob.
849 fired three shots, one missed and the other two slammed into the nob tearing off it's decay stiffened arm and flinging it away to join the other detritus of the battlefield.

472 slung his rifle and tore his pistol from its thigh holster. He cleared his mind before leaping up and fired wildly at 849, none of the shots were meant to kill but they came close forcing 849 to seek cover behind his perch.

As 849 took cover 472 fled, he needed to contact the Inquisitor and request instructions, he may want 472 taken alive.
The exchanged shots had roused the attention of the greenskin stragglers to began to flood the area, 472 was grateful for their poor discipline, it had created a shield for him.

472 made it to a shattered predator tank, the crew lay atop it surrounded by their killers, he climbed inside and activated his communication relay. Time to regroup.

Callidus Assassins huh? Anyway I enjoyed the read but I did spot a small mistake if I may :

A being such as 472 can read the personality of another by the way they fire a gun. It had never made sense to him but as he watched 849's shots he recognised the feeling. 472 was enjoying this. In truth, there is some pleasure in a perfect shot, but this wasn't what 849 felt, he was enjoying the slaughter, the hopelessness of their targets before they died.

I think you meant 849 here?

Cheers!

Bobakos wrote:Callidus Assassins huh? Anyway I enjoyed the read but I did spot a small mistake if I may :

A being such as 472 can read the personality of another by the way they fire a gun. It had never made sense to him but as he watched 849's shots he recognised the feeling. 472 was enjoying this. In truth, there is some pleasure in a perfect shot, but this wasn't what 849 felt, he was enjoying the slaughter, the hopelessness of their targets before they died.

I think you meant 849 here?

Cheers!

Ah!
Thanks, i do re-read my stuff but something always gets by...
I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

purplefood wrote:
Ah!
Thanks, i do re-read my stuff but something always gets by...
I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Meh, it can happen to anybody Now where is Part 3?

Bobakos wrote:

purplefood wrote:
Ah!
Thanks, i do re-read my stuff but something always gets by...
I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Meh, it can happen to anybody Now where is Part 3?

Patience Grasshopper
Writing it currently...

I know it's been a while but I have been meaning to get back to this for a while and after okaying it with a MOD I wrote a small piece to carry on. I will hopefully be posting more soon. C&C is welcome.


The tank stank. Its hatches had been forced open by grots and the crew had died messily, although they had taken a number of their attackers with them. The smell of decay and rotting flesh had intensified in the enclosed metal hull. The sun had baked the tank's exterior accelerating the decay and as a result 472's feet were submerged in fetid gore. He ignored it, pulled a slim case from his back and connected it to the tank's power supply. The vehicles of the Astartes were venerable and robust machines, capable of suffering extreme damage before being entirely destroyed. The power core ignited, and the case slid open and burst into light. Illuminating the tanks interior and painting the stained red walls with a blue glow.

The lights flitted and shimmered on the screen as the machine spirit awoke. 472 adjusted various dials before plucking the headset from its cradle and speaking quietly into it. For a moment he found his voice odd; it had been so long since he had spoken last.

'The words of the faithful are mountains.' he spoke quickly and quietly, the code phrase was only one half of the full quote.

'But the deeds of the faithful are worlds.' came a crackly reply, the second half. 472 recognised the voice, it was one of the Inqusitor's retinue. 472 hadn't bothered to learn his name but suddenly it seemed important.

'This is Agent 472, reporting mission unsuccessful due to corruption of field operatives' there was a pause on the other end of the comm line.

'Repeat previous transmission. Corruption?' The voice was understandably confused, even 472 had trouble with the concept.

Affirmative, 849 has fallen to the Arch-enemy, immediate termination recommended.' There was a long pause, 472 thought he may have exceeded his authority in this suggestion. He briefly heard some interference before he received a return response.

'Agent 472, this is Inquisitor Kadai, transmit your current co-ordinates'

472 paused, he was slightly puzzled by this request. There was no reason the Inquisitor should want his current co-ordinates; 472 had been told the mission was to be kept secret. No support, no help, very little contact. His instincts flared up and, Thinking of 849's betrayal, he gave the co-ordinates of his firing point from several hours before.

'We have your position, 472'

'What about 849 Inquisitor?' His instincts were screaming at him now; something was horribly wrong, 472 couldn't place it but there was a slight edge, a hunger to the Inquisitor's voice that hadn't been there before.

'He will be suitably rewarded when he returns.' he said matter-of-factly

'Rewarded?' 472's voice displayed no shock but under his mask his brow furrowed

'Of course, for his services to the true Gods of the universe.'

'You have fallen as well then?' It was more a statement than a question.

'I was the first, I have spent years doing the service of the Dark Gods. The Lions are merely my newest project.' The former Inquisitor sounded jubilant

'I will stop you,' 472 spoke quietly, unsure how he would manage it.

'I think not' the Inquisitor said.' 472 could almost hear the smile through the comm line

Suddenly the tank shook and 472 tore the connection out of the tank's power unit. He pulled his pistol out of the holster, aimed it at the relay and pulled the trigger twice. Two more vast explosions shook the tank, tipping it over entirely and drenching 472 in the decaying mess. He crawled out of the tank and spent a moment focussing on ignoring the smell.

To the enemy now he was dead. To the enemy he didn't exist. Now he had a chance of fighting back. The question was how? Suddenly a thought struck him,

'The Celestial Lions, they must know something about the Inquisitor's betrayal, otherwise why would he order the continued harassment of their members?' The realisation staggered him slightly, 'My only choice is to find them and warn them of 849 and the Inquisitor, surely then they would help him strike back at the traitors and regain the temple's integrity.'

472 paused, realising his desperation. The Celestial Lions would be more likely to shoot him on sight and ignore his warnings rather than help him. He had worked with Astartes before and their pride was astounding, let alone their stubborn ignorance at times, but he had little choice in allies at the moment and they were the likeliest.

'If I have to face the Lions,' he thought, 'it would be best to try and give them a show of good faith first.'

472 holstered his pistol and unslung his rifle. Time for vengeance.

It's most definitely a welcome return to DF.

"The tank stank. The hatches had been forced open by grots and the crew had died messily and taken a number of their attackers with them."

Here I'd replace the second 'the' with 'its', and swap out 'messily and taken' with 'messily, although they had taken'. The second 'the' doesn't really feel quite right to me, and the repetition of 'and' in the unbroken sentence after it feels a bit tedious.

I'd like to know perhaps what it smells like inside as opposed to simply the fact that it smells, although the crew having died messily gives a good impression of what the tank's contents looks like.

"472's feet were submerged in fetid gore. He ignored it and pulled a slim case from his back and connected it to the tank's power supply."

It starts off with a fairly good image, but the second sentence suffers again from too many 'and's, in my opinion. Perhaps change it to something like 'He ignored it, pulled a slim case from his back, and connected it to the tank's power supply.'

"The vehicles of the Astartes were venerable and robust machines, capable of suffering extreme damage before they are entirely destroyed. The power core ignited and the case slid open and burst into light."

I hope I'm right in this (more subtle issues with tenses have never been my strong-point), but I'd switch out 'they are' with 'being'. The next part could do with a comma after 'ignited', otherwise it becomes another tedious '_______ and _______ and _________' sentence. I may be being a bit biased with all the 'and's, but it's just my opinion born from how I tend to write. Regardless, the descriptions are sound although a bit lacking; does the case make a noise as it slides open? Is there a noticeable lack of sound when it opens? Does the light created have any effect on the confines of the tank, such as casting it in an eerie glow?

"The lights flitted and shimmered on the screen as the machine spirit awoke. 472 adjusted various dials before plucking the headset from it's cradle and speaking quietly into it. For a moment he found his voice odd, it had been so long since he had spoken last."

This is all fairly good, although 'it's' should be 'its', and I'd like the comma after 'odd' to become a semi-colon, but I love semis, so I may be slightly biased. I like the last bit of it, anyway, as it adds a bit of depth to 472's character.

"'The words of the faithful are mountains...' he spoke quickly and quietly, the code phrase was only one half of the full quote.

'But the deeds of the faithful are worlds' came a crackly reply, the second half."

I'm not sure, but I think you're using the ellipsis incorrectly. It's usually used like that when... the sentence is immediately carried on. To signify a pause after speech, I believe you would require an ellipsis followed by a full stop to indicate the end of the sentence, although I may be wrong....

The second speaker is also missing a full stop at the end of his speech.

I'd like to know perhaps what the other voice sounds like, despite the crackles. Does 472 recognise it? Does he think there's anything odd about the tone?

"'Repeat previous transmission. Corruption?'"

I'm a fan of quicker speech, but could we get perhaps how the speaker is talking? Is he simply asking for confirmation? Does he sound a bit sceptical, or even worried?

"472 paused. There was no reason the Inquisitor should want his current co-ordinates; his instincts flared up and, Thinking of 849's betrayal, he gave the co-ordinates of his firing point from several hours before."

It might be good to include maybe a small reason why the Inquisitor wouldn't want his current co-ordinates. From the point of view of a reader, it seems reasonable that the Inquisitor may want them in order to evacuate 472, or to send reinforcements, given that he might be one of the lone survivors.

I'd swap out the semi-colon for a full stop and remove the capital 't'.

Could we perhaps get how 472 is feeling at this point? Is he scared? Puzzled? All we currently know is that he's suspicious of the Inquisitor's intentions for reasons we aren't quite sure of.

"'What about 849 Inquisitor?' His insticnts were screaming at him now, something was horribly wrong."

First off, drop a comma after 849, 'insticnts' should be 'instincts', and I'd be tempted to promote the comma after 'now' to a semi-colon. We could use more information as to why his instincts are saying these things.

"'I think not' the Inquisitor said, 472 could almost hear the smile through the comm line"

I'd make the comma after 'said' into a full stop.

"Two more vast eplosions shook the tank almost throwing 472 off of his feet."

Just a typo here, and maybe a comma after 'tank'.

I'd like to know perhaps why the enemy would think him dead. I've read a fair bit of 40k backstory and I assume it'd be because of a bombardment, and his shooting the relay implies he was hit, but even I'm not sure, and the enemy would likely be more cautious than firing a single salvo of three shots. I'd also like to know perhaps how he feels about it all.

"Suddenly thought struck him,"

Stick an 'a' after 'suddenly'.

"'The Celestial Lions, they must know something about the Inquisitor's betrayal otherwise why would he order the continued harassment of their members?' The realisation staggered him slightly, 'My only choice was to find them and warn them of 849 and the Inquisitor surely then they would help him strike back at the traitors and regain the temple's integrity.'"

I'd like a comma after 'betrayal', and I think his only choice IS to find them, not 'was'. Stick a comma between 'Inquisitor' and 'surely'.

"472 paused, realising his desperation, the Celestial Lions would be more likely to shoot him on site and ignore his warnings rather than help him. He had worked with Astartes before and their pride was astounding let alone their stubborn ignorance at times but he had little choice in allies at the moment and they were the likeliest."

I'd change the comma after 'desperation' to a full stop', and 'site' should be 'sight'. I'd like a comma after 'astounding' and 'times'.

Everything after that seems fairly good.


There was a decent amount of imagery going on, but I'd like to see a bit more action from his other 4 senses. So far there has been a passing mention of a smelly tank and his feet in fetid gore, but after that it's mainly been describing what he's seeing and doing.

It'd help to perhaps explain his motives for things a bit more, especially why the Inquisitor wouldn't need his co-ordinates. He has, after all, just reported corruption, and so is automatically either a potential threat or one of the few potential loyals left in the area, both of which are important enough to need to eliminate or evacuate/reinforce.

Aside from those, there are a few scattered grammatical errors - mainly full stops missing at the end of speech, but that's about it.

It seems to be becoming a fairly good story, with a visible plotline and enough mystery about how 472 would go about achieving his goals to warrant continued reading.

I've edited it based on your suggestions. Thanks for the feedback.

 purplefood wrote:
I've edited it based on your suggestions.

Damn right!

Thanks for the feedback.

Anytime.*

*When I can be bothered.

Ah I where mistaken I see, glad to see some Assassin action! Well done Purps

The story is decent on the whole. I like the idea of an Assassin's story, it's certainly very original. I also like the general premise of betrayal and how an 'emotionless' killer would deal with it etc.

I read the latest entry before you made any edits, the major issues i have though still remain as far as i can tell.

The biggest problem is that of tenses, something i struggle hugely with myself. Although Avatar has pointed out some instances in the latest entry, the first two have quite a few . In the interest of brevity (and to be a bit cheeky; in the interest of improving your editing) i wont list them. There's also a couple missed commas in the first 2, i will give an example here:
'Each shot killing the sound of battle underneath them'. As you can see this is a sentence(fragment) that reads very strangely indeed without a comma.

Also a couple of time you use elipsis and AFAIK they still count as a full stop to a sentence. My 'black-belt' grammar sucks though so take that with a pinch of salt.

Another little issue i had was with the continuity and timescale. You mention an Ork corpse's rigor mortis then how the interior of the tank stank of rotting flesh etc. Had the marines been at war with the orks for many days? Or at the least 24 hours? I didn't notice any reference to it.

Also, i am assuming '472' is a Vindicare? I can understand that maybe 872 was closer into the fray but Callidus assassins are not known for their sniping. So identifying 472 as a Callidus would be a little bit much for me. I would also perhaps make reference to 872 fighting in a more typical Callidus 'house style'. The scar tissue face was a nice touch, as no doubt he's had a bunch of prosthetic/cosmetic surgery but maybe have him fight at a closer range? A (2-5th ed) Callidus is armed with a neural shredder (a template weapon) and a C'tan phase blade. They dont carry a long range weapon relying instead on their shape-shifting ability. Of course IIRC the current FOC 'canon' lists customisable 'Officio Assassinorum Operatives' so i'm not sure if the three distinct temples even exist anymore.

Now i am fine with this being a 'Callidus Sniper' but you must foreshadow it: '872 carried a stalker pattern rifle, eschewing the neural shredder his temple favoured....... Etc, blahablahblah'

Finally a little note on my personal taste, or 'craft' if you want to be pretentious. I would have a short passage about 472's rifle, i think it would be a fairly important bit of kit to him and it maybe merits a little exposition. Of course this is only something i personally think would add to the story.

Thanks for the feedback, I'll look over all 3 pieces and try and correct any problems.
They are both Vindicare assassins which is why they are both using sniper rifles.

Ah it's just a simple mix-up, easily fixed. IIRC in the second entry 872 is identified as a Callidus.

I hadn't spotted that at all, thanks for pointing it out.