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The following excerpt was taken from the front page headline news story in the Daily Praetorian



ALIEN TYRANT RAMPAGE IN PRAETORIA HIVE!


Once again, the world-famous owner of Stark Ordnance and big game hunter Lord Ranulph Stark proves man’s superiority over beast, as he single-handedly slays a mighty Hive Tyrant here in the very heart our glorious capital!

Recently absconded from the Praetorian City Zoo, less than an hour after its arrival from the tyranid-infested hulk currently drifting on the edge of our solar system, the terrible beast embarked upon a gruesome rampage through the streets of central Praetoria, killing hundreds of citizens and causing mass panic during the morning rush hour.

One survivor – citizen Arthur Pootle of Pringle Hive Tenement Secundus – gave his account before being taken to the inquisition asylum for remedial electrocution:

“I-it was a t-t-terrible bloodbath. Th-the monster ran amok, chasing g-g-grav-carriages and t-t-toppling m-m-mono-trams as it sought to devour every p-p-person in its sight. Then it s-s-s-saw me, and I hid down a s-s-small but very n-n-narrow alleyway. It s-s-slammed its immense bulk against the b-b-buildings between which the alley ran, roaring st-st-st-stridently as it did so, spitting g-g-great g-g-gobbets of foul saliva and b-b-bits of p-p-people all over me as it scratched f-f-f-furiously with its claws against the walls. I am ashamed to confess I s-s-s-soiled myself. I f-f-fear my nerves have been shredded ind-d-definitely.”

The hero of the hour, Lord Stark, described it in his own words: “I was actually on my way to the Praetorian City Zoo to direct the very delicate operation of moving such a large specimen from its armoured containment cell to the zoological enclosure that had been prepared for it, but I was late due to getting stuck in traffic. This is the first time anyone has attempted to bring a fully-grown hive tyrant from its native habitat to a zoo on Praetoria, and I have been against this staggeringly foolish notion from the very beginning, voicing my concerns at the highest level. Sadly they fell on deaf ears as our 'esteemed' planetary governor, his Imperial Highness Frederick Jovian, is too f*gging ork-headed to listen to anyone when he has one of his stupendously moronic notions."

(It should be noted at this point that the Daily Praetorian does not in any way support, share or condone Lord Stark's defamatory comments of our esteemed planetary governor, who most certainly is not an ork-headed moron - Ed)

“Fortunately for the good citizens of Praetoria Hive, I always carry plenty of guns with me wherever I travel, and as such had a selection of the very latest prototype firearms from my company, Stark Ordnance, in the boot of my motor car. No sooner had I discovered that the beast had escaped, than I had my faithful man-servitor Jagdeep Singh Tertius fetch me my heavy calibre tyranid gun and spare shells; the ideal weapon for just such an occasion. I then followed the trail of devastation to hunt down the ruthless predator.

“It did not take long before I could hear the tell-tale roars and skrarks of the tyrant in the distance. I increased my jog to a sprint, Singh Tertius keeping pace just behind me carrying the ammunition for my rifle. We eventually rounded the corner of Byzantium Street where it meets Primus Lane to be greeted with the sight of total carnage, at the centre of which we beheld the forty foot titan beast. I had been very careful, however, to emerge downwind from the monster, since a hive tyrant relies mainly on its keen sense of smell, due to the fact it has notoriously poor eye sight.

“I knelt down to adopt a firing position from behind an upturned Hackney grav-carriage, the metal bodywork dented and scarred with claw marks, noticing that the driver’s legs were still inside the vehicle. There was no sign of his torso, although I’ll wager it was now being digested inside the belly of the beast. A woman cowered inside the carriage, her civilian coveralls soaked in her own urine. I told her to remain calm and stay inside the grav-taxi, to which she nodded her affirmation, although I doubt she was actually capable of leaving the perceived protection of the crumpled metal chassis anyway.

“Once I was in position Singh Tertius passed me one of the .90 calibre shells, which I promptly loaded into the breach, carefully cocking the weapon so as not to alert the monster to our presence (its hearing is almost as keen as its olfactory receptors). People ran about screaming at its feet, and the beast was otherwise occupied chewing human carcasses. Taking aim and judging for wind and target movement, I squeezed the trigger firing the explosive bullet towards its head. The projectile struck its target right between the eyes, burrowing several inches into the armoured scales protecting its flesh before detonating in a shower of gore! The beast moaned and then fell forward, regrettably crushing several unfortunate citizens beneath its massive, and now very dead, body.

“Its head will look splendid above the mantelpiece.”

Haha this was rather amusing, can we expect more such stories?

Why, of course you can expect more such daft and ridiculous stories, Dakka citizen Trondheim! This is neither the first nor the last adventure of Lord Ranulph Stark...

In the meantime, do you like orks?

http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/463552.page

Oh praise to the dark gods then! Why yes I do love killing Orks...or did you mean reading about them I read that pice earlier today, and it was amuisng me thinks

This is actually a quite amusing read. Likes the char, gets sort of the feel that you have paired Eddard Stark with Adam Quartermain to make him. Of course I might be wrong.

This wouldn't happen to be the great-great-great-great-great-great descendant of Tony Stark, would it? This was a fun piece of work.

Beaviz81 wrote:This is actually a quite amusing read. Likes the char, gets sort of the feel that you have paired Eddard Stark with Adam Quartermain to make him. Of course I might be wrong.

Cheers, Beaviz. There's definitely a dose of Allan Quatermain in there, but I hadn't thought of Ned Stark when creating Ranulph (although I like the character).

Dr. Temujin wrote:This wouldn't happen to be the great-great-great-great-great-great descendant of Tony Stark, would it? This was a fun piece of work.

Add a few thousand 'greats' and you might be right...

I demand more!

New from Stark Ordnance: The Mk II Graviton Amplifier! For the discerning big game hunter

Fed up of being chased by hideous over-sized flying beasties? Not overly-keen on becoming winged tyrant fodder? Then fear no more! The new, improved Mk II Graviton Amplifier from Stark Ordnance will render even the most voracious winged monster flightless at a flick of the activation stud! Using the latest in particle transmogrification technology, simply point the amplifier at the gigantic tyranid of your choice, flick the switch and it will instantly have its mass increased ten-fold! Watch in delight and wonderment as the screeching horror plummets from the sky and is smashed to smithereens on the ground! You’ll never know how you survived this long without one!

Order now and be entered into the grand raffle to win a trip for two to the tyranid-infested hive resort world of Maximus Mortius!*

(Disclaimer: The company is not liable for any accidents caused through misfires, the formation of localised warp vortices or other anomalous malfunctions, and the user is entirely responsible for any ensuing casualties, including, as may be the case, the user himself)

*Tickets are one-way only since the company cannot guarantee safe extraction. Entrants must have ludicrously bushy moustaches.

Lolzs great new entry I must say