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The Way of Warfare
A Guide for Officers-In-Training
By Lord General Markov
Chapter One
A Basic Summarizies
Thought for the Day:
"Reason begets doubt; doubt begets heresy!"
Warfare is indeed an intricate and completed art, one of the utmost sophistication. If pursued properly, all that should be left of the enemy is dust. But there is no one, simple way to turn the enemy into dust (or dustify them, for short). There are many variables that determine the course of a battle. However, through proper analyzation of the following seven factors, it it possible to foresee, with slightly over one hundred percent accuracy, the result of an upcoming battle.
Factor 1)
Virtue
Which of the opposing forces is more pious in his devotion to the Emperor? If two armies of equal strength go head to head and one is of no piousness, but the other is of much piousness, the army of more piousness will certainly win. If one doubts the importance of faith, (which is heresy; please report to your local Arbites) look to the performance of the Order of the Bloody Rose on Jyys V; outnumbered 17 to 1 and completely encircled by hideous Xenos known by ancient Terran texts as 'Pandas', they eradicated the horrible xenos to the last 'Panda' without sustaining a single causality. Texts recently unearthed reveal that Jyys V was classified as a 'Panda Reserve' in late M3, presumably by heretics. Only the diseased mind of a heretic would even think of establishing a reserve for a creature so heinous.
Factor 2)
Physical Chastity
Which of the opposing force is of greater physical purity? A traitor is of little physical purity, bathing in manure, brushing it's teeth with sugercane, treating wounds with [CENSORED FOR THE SAKE OF MAINTAINING MENTAL CHASTITY] and having intercourse with any creature that crosses it's path. On the other hand, a pious man of the highest physical purity. As Inquisitor Thraxus once said, "An unblemished body is the Imperial Guard's greatest asset."
Factor 3)
Mental Chastity
It is well known that a small mind is a tidy mind. The tidier an army's minds are, the stronger the army will be. The Mechanicum has recently recovered an ancient piece of machinery, specializing in what it calls 'Automated Lobotomies'. It performs a miraculous procedure on troops, cleansing their minds of all fear and doubt. I take great pride in knowing that my regiment was one of the first to adopt it. That said, it is of the greatest importance to [CENSORED FOR THE SAKE OF MAINTAINING MENTAL CHASTITY], lest ye invite certain doom on your regiment and yourself.
Factor 4)
Force of Arms
By 'force of arms', I mean the average soldier's upper body strength. This is a simple one. Make sure to have the men in your command perform many stretches and jogging exercises. Having a noodle arm invites one to be slurped like noodles like xenos. That may sound like a 'Thought for the Day', but I actually thought of it myself. I'm quite proud of that expression; it took a great deal of time to think up. If you ever use it, make sure to credit Lord General Markov.
Factor 5)
Usage of Tanks
A mechanized detachment is essential in warfare. Without tanks, one will surely perish. That said, the tanks must be utilized properly. It is best to keep them behind your least valued infantry, so that they won't be damaged by heavy weapons fire. If you need the tank to get to the forefront of the battlefield, just run over the men in front of it.
Factor 6)
Manpower
A proper Imperial Guard regiment should have enough men to build a starport from corpses, if need be. Training is of little matter, as quantity is a quality of it's own. It costs thirty thousand credits to train and equip ten Commandos to assassinate a rogue Governor. It costs ten thousand credits to equip a thousand drafted men with cheap, rusted autoguns and have them storm his palace.
Through these seven factors, the outcome of any battle can be foreseen.
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