Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Here's a story I was working on about the founding of the Sturmkrieg Sector.

http://en.sturmkrieg.com/Transfer_of_power

First sentence is terrible.

"Gray clouds covered over the stone expanse of the Aleksandrina rally grounds built by Sternkampf with assistance from the Mechanicum."

Read that out loud. It's uneven sounding and, not only that, its uninteresting. Why should I care who built it? Normally a sentence like this wouldn't bother me (even the best of writers sometimes fumble with their words and write weird gak), but its the 1st sentence. People are going to click on your story, read the first sentence and close it.

Now, onto the second sentence.

"This day was the end of millennia of the Sturmkrieg Empire and the beginning of the Mechanicum and cooperation with the Imperium."

Read that out loud. Now, after the 2nd sentence, its clear that (A you didn't proofread or (B English is your second language. If English is your second language, please discard all my advice. But if English is your 1st language, listen to me. Proofreading is important. If I don't have the time or energy to proofread, I make sure to at least proofread the first paragraph.

Now onto the third sentence.

"The beginning of revolution had started before the arrival of the Mechanicum, but the promise of any leadership other than from the outdated and oppressive Sturmkrieg Empire was welcomed."

Read that out loud. "The beginning of the revolution had started" is redundent. You can just say, "The relevation had begun before the Mechanicum arrived." Secondly, the audience doesn't care. I don't care that the Mechanicum was late to the party.

I stopped reading after the third sentence, because your writing is lazy. Considering that the first two sentences are grammatically uncorrect and uneven, despite your user page claiming you speak a "native level" of English, its clear that you didn't put effort into this. The opening paragraph is the most important part, and you didn't even try. Why should I read the rest of this?

Thank you for your feedback. I'm going to work on editing the story, which I hadn't done yet. I'll start with the first paragraph.

I suspect the main problem is that I try to do too much with explaining the background behind what is going on at the moment. Possibly a reference section with links to articles on the related topic would be better.

EDIT

The beginning of revolution had started before the arrival of the Mechanicum, but the promise of any leadership other than from the outdated and oppressive Sturmkrieg Empire was welcomed. The revolution would have likely been unsuccessful if it had not been for the assistance provided by the Imperium.

I don't need any of that here. It's redundant and would be better in an article about the revolution. It takes up too much space.

EDIT

The Sternkampf leaders had insisted that the Aleksandrina rally grounds be massive, large enough to hold an entire army group of 5 million soldiers.

This should be in an article about the Aleksandrina rally grounds, not here.

There was enough room for them, not for their vehicles. That was all that was needed.

I don't know why that was there either.