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Prologue:

The Inquisitor nodded to one of his xenobiologists. "Raise the table to the upright position. The Lord Farseer will doubtless awaken soon and I want to at least try and hold a conversation with him before he passes. Such a pity to see such a great being layed low..." He trailed off, staring intently at the Eldar Farseer strapped to the table in front of him.

The Inquisitor cut an odd figure in the clean, white,clutterless enviroment of the laboratory. He was clad in a close fitting black body suit with 8 lines of dark blue running up to the neck from the wrists and ankles. These lines occasionally pulsed with a spot of pale, blue-white that would travel up to the neck before winking out. Over this he wore matt-black body armour based off the style of the Kasrkin of Cadia, though he wore no helm or respirator. His armour was plain by any standard, the only icon was set upon the left hand side of the breastplate, a symbol of the Inquisiton; the Ordo Malleus.

Across his back was a sheathed double edged force sword approximately 1 metre in length from cross hilt to tip. The sheath was unadorned save for a single silver aquila of extraordinary craftsmanship. In a pair of plain black leather holsters, one strapped to each thigh were an strange pistol and an beautifully crafted bolt pistol. The Inquisitor's hair was a close cropped dirty blonde. He was still covered in the dirt of the battlefields a number of cuts were visible on his head an his face was covered in stubble. Even in this state he still exuded an aura of authority that commanded instant and total respect. To the casual observer his eyes were perhaps his most striking feature were his eyes; sapphire blue eyes filled with a terrible, ancient sadness.

The Farseer's eyes flickered slightly and the Inquisitor grinned.

"You're awake, Lord Farseer. You fell foul of a mauler fiend. Do not worry, my associates and I destroyed it and avenged your aspect warrior brethren."

The Farseer opened his eyes fully and gave the inquisitor a hard look. "Why would a Mon'keigh of the Imperium, of the Inquisition no less, save me, a Farseer of the Eldar?" He spoke in lightly accented, but perfectly nuanced High Gothic.

The inquisitor shrugged this off as another of the Eldar's many peculiarities.
"I saved you because I know your kin will value the return of your soulstone, an artefact which I have to say fascinates me. I also retrieved the soulstones from your aspect warrior brethren before I quit the field. Your forces were sat in an area designated for orbital bombardment and I had no wish to remain."

The Farseer nodded to itself. Though the Inquisitor felt it probably already knew all this and was simply asking for the sake of politeness... though how the Eldar held such a concept with relation to humans was beyond him, given the Imperium's extreme xenophobia.

The Farseer looked at him once again, its ancient eyes conveyed an immense sadness that felt almost like it was beyond comprehension in its scale. "I will die shortly."

It was not phrased as a question and a feeling of pity stirred in the Inquisitor's heart. The Inquisitor spoke with uncharacteristic softness.
"Yes, Lord Farseer. Your wounds are too grave. It is all we could do to keep you stable for this long. I am sorry. We shall, as I said, return your soulstones to your kindred."

The Farseer quirked an eyebrow.
"You are strange, even for a mon'keigh. Your sorrow is spoken with honesty. My people will be grateful for the return of our stones. Why do you do this for me?"
The Inquisitor nodded.
"Just because most of my kind are xenophobes who view the Eldar as another depraved, violent race of aliens, doesn't mean they are right. My mentor often said the Eldar ruled the galaxy when mankind was still bashing rocks together. Even if you don't rule it any more, you still know more of it and have seen more of it than us. We should be at your feet begging you to teach us what you know, not writing you off and attempting to commit genocide."

The Farseer chuckled, blood coming to his lips as he did so.
"My name is Altherion Murothar, I am a farseer of the Craftworld Mymeara. What is your name human? I wish to know to whom I will owe my return to my home."

"I am Fionn O'Connell, an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus from the World of Northwind. It is an honour to do this for you."

The Eldar nodded and seemed about to say something else, but the light in its eyes dimmed and its head dropped forward. Inquisitor Fionn O'Connel bowed his head in respect. He glanced at the xenobiologist.

"Miss McNamara did we get the data we were after?"

"Aye Sir, I am glad to say we did. We'll remove the soulstone from the armour shortly. Do you want us to perform any tests on it?"

"No, treat it with reverence. We'll be setting a course for the nearest Maiden World shortly."
McNamara nodded and pulled down the breathing mask she'd been wearing. She smiled at the Inquisitor.
"Aye Sir. What do you want me to do with the body?"

Fionn thought for a moment before speaking again.
"Strip it of its armour and then burn it. Now, I have other matters to attend to. Carry on Miss McNamara."
With that Fionn turned and left, the door to the labs opening as he approached and sealing swiftly behind him.

Nicely, paced, maybe too nicely paced. I like the whole thing with the simple disgust the Eldars feel for the Mon-kiegh, yet they feel a perverted attraction as well. But that's better left to Vect to describe. Still your fluff might seem a bit clinical and cold when it comes to describe fluff. I honestly can't believe I'm actually telling a guy to space something more together in the mottled style of Dan Abnett, but I'm.

As always this is your fluff not mine, so disregard my proposals as you see fit.

Thank you for the feed back.
I went with a slower pace for a prologue than my usual ones, I have a tendency to throw the reader into the heart of the action. This time I wanted something a little different.
Also I'm a little confusd as to the fluff appearing clinical as well. Could you give examples and maybe expand on what you mean a little please?

As for the spacing; do you mean that you want me to lower the number of return strokes?

Oh you merely hit the enter-key too often (I still can't believe I'm criticizing a guy for doing that at Dakkadakka).

I shall gladly siphon through what you have written before with a just, though pleasant feedback, as thus far your fluff is nicely written, just a tad to spaced to stick together.

Don't go overboard with that feedback, it's almost perfect, but some actions and sentences can be cut together, and I'm a better observer than anything else.

Thanks for that Beaviz. You're having to criticise it because I wrote on other forums and the whole "additional returns thing is kinda important on those as the colour contrast makes reading for extended periods of time difficult.

Fixed it, how is that now?

Wall of text, and look, i didn't try to insult you or anything. Sorry if you thought it that way.

After Altherion hit enter, same with The Mon-kiegh chuckled.

Sorry I doesn't mean to seem overbearing or anything. Damn I would make one fine Ultramarine in my approach to anything

No. I didn't take it as an insult. I was just explaining why the problem is as it is.

Thanks for the text, little less walled up I hope?

Well written but imho i didnt come away wanting to see more of the characters, they seem a little underdeveloped.

Thanks for the feed back. It's a prologue and I tend to use my prologues to set the scene rather than develop characters.

Hmm, i disagree pretty completely. If these are the characters you plan to base the story on, you need to give them character as soon as they appear. Also to point out the obvious, this is fan-fic; the scene has already been set. You need strong characters to make the exercise worthwhile.

My only feeling towards the farseer was mild dislike, i remember thinking, 'glad he's dead he was a bit of a knob'. The inquisitor wasn't really anything, as there is little to no character beats for him.

The farseer's perspective was a mistake imo, to be brutal you made him seem less one of the Noble and Tragic Eldar more Cranky Racist. Also it meant the inquisitor could not be properly characterised. It would be a good start to change the perspective to the Inquisitor's.

Minor gripe and actually pretty ironic if you consider my criticism above; I doubt eldar would describe Kasrkin (Another slight innacuracy, only Cadians can be Kasrkin) as 'Aspect Warriors'. The fluff regarding Aspect warriors is very Eldar specific, they would not use the term lightly.

My knowledge of the Eldar is fairly limited and from what I've come across in the fluff they are rather racist... but I'll see what I can do to change the perspective.

Edit: duly rewritten. What do you think of it?