Switch Theme:

Trying my hand at story telling.  [RSS] Share on facebook Share on Twitter Submit to Reddit
»
Author Message
Advert


Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you:
  • No adverts like this in the forums anymore.
  • Times and dates in your local timezone.
  • Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance.
  • Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely.
  • Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net.
If you are already a member then feel free to login now.




Made in us
Ground Crew





It always rained. Blood warm and heavy with hydrocarbons and fertilizer, the rain constantly covered the surface of the lowlands, from light drizzles to raging downpours that would flood the rivers and valleys on the eastern part of the continent, and would have reduced the surface to a muddy quagmire if it was not for the thick blanket of grass and fungi that covered the majority of Lithon East.

The larger of the only two landmasses that exist on the agri-world, Lithon acts as the main port for the massive trawlers that constantly scoured the massive oceans for the food and freshwater needed to sustain the ravenous hive cities in the surrounding systems, and being the only sizable agri-world in , it was a major strategic point for the Imperium, sending a contest stream of supply freighters to the Emperor's armies around the galaxy, to give them the means to purge the many sectors of heretics, aliens, daemons, and worse.

However, unannounced to the lumbering bueracrcy of the Imperium, another intelligence had also taken an interest in Parnex V, cold, alien, and hungry. Even through the depths of the void the hunger could taste the richness of the world, virgin, and unspoiled by war or machines. Spurred by its lust for life, it stretched its tendrils though space towards the unsuspecting world. It wanted to kill. It wanted to feed.

I know that its pretty short but i would really like to expand on this, especially on the opening/introduction to the story, because all I have is this in and a few paragraphs of the main character introduction. Any thoughts? I'm just looking for thoughts about the quality of this little part and will post more as I finished them.

"The path of the righteous is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannical. Blessed are those, in the name of The Emperor and Holy Tera, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly Man's keeper and the finder of lost souls. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Emperor's Hand when I lay His vengeance upon you." 
   
Made in ca
Stormin' Stompa






Ottawa, ON

Sounds interesting, enough to catch interest. You might want read over it again, there's a few typos. I also wouldn't describe the rain as "warm like blood" unless you're trying to convey a mood of horror.

Ask yourself: have you rated a gallery image today? 
   
Made in gb
Renegade Inquisitor de Marche






Elephant Graveyard

The third bit is also a touch odd.
It's a personal thing I guess but i find it preferable not to reveal the enemy (Or at least their true nature) for a bit. You could put something non-descript in like 'Little did its toiling inhabitants know but the surface of Lithon Eight would shortly become a new hell for all those who dwell upon it' It helps keep a bit of tension in the story as a whole.

Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. 
   
 
Forum Index » Dakka Fiction
Go to: