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Made in br
Longtime Dakkanaut




Brazil

Hello good friends. Some time ago i started to think about "space dwarfs" in the 40k scenario. I really dont like "squats", and wanted a real race to represent my favoured fantasy race. The result is here, using the Demiurgs as the "base". I respected the general fluff of GW while i could, and tried to make the "dwarfs" important, even if they are not very know in the Imperium. I hope you like it. (and sorry for any languague issues, english is not my mother language, and i never received formal education in it).
Version 1.2: i made some changes on the chronology, and added a "timeline". History is pretty done for me, and now i will start to describe society and organization. Also, i divided the chapter in this sole post, but put them in small "spoiler" boxes. I hope you like it. I would really apreciate some C&C.
Version 1.3: i understood some terms where wrong at my fluff, and changed them into something more suitable. Most notable: corporations are now called Guilds, and the Demiurg divide themselves into "young" and "ancient" guilds (not young and noble). Also i remade the general look of the text.

Sons of Demiur
The Eldar empire already occupied the galaxy when the first demiurgs born in the bowels of their home planet, the one who would be properly titled as "Demiur" on the following millenniums, when his inhabitants finally discovered the stars. For those who saw Demiur from afar it seemed a dead planet: away from his home sun, rocky, with a freezing surface, rarefied atmosphere and tenuous gravity, easily held up by advanced civilizations such as the Eldar as "lifeless".
But Demiur was not quite a planet without value: beneath its surface, surpassing kilometers of rock and metal, during the youth of the planet, underground chambers were created by pockets of gas, where under extremely high pressure and temperature, the suitable chemical elements met each other, and the miracle of life presented itself. Over the years, that life evolved, developing a complex and diminutive ecosystem, which found its way through the rock and spread throughout various underground chambers. Within that ecosystem the firsts demiurgs flourished.
The earliest ancestors of this magnificent race were similar to moles: small animals inhabiting the interior of small rock galleries with a restrict family organization and social behavior. Among those animals, the spark of intelligence eventually arose, bringing the mastery of fire, the manufactured tools and finally the metallurgy. Was in metallurgy that the demiurgs found the focal point of their racial culture, and it was there that they built their proliferation and their future.
In few millenniums the highly socialized moles of Demiur had become a prolific civilization: like humans would spread across the continental surfaces on Earth, the demiurgs spread through the chambers and caverns inside their planet, learning and mastering the nature of such planet with devastating efficiency. The social system formed by them was familiar, focused on the clan as the producing unit, and as soon as the race went through its period of internal conflict, their world becomes small.
Upon reaching the cold and rugged surface of their planet, the demiurgs soon expanded their chambers to the surface, unable to enjoy life without a roof, demiurg society evolved gradually digging deeper and constructing higher buildings, until there was no more soil to be excavated. Native of the underground they felt less comfortable in open spaces, and the need for housing to the growing population made them develop a complex engineering science, efficient and cheap, where only the most noble could live in the small space close to the center of the planet, while the poor should be content living near or even beyond the surface.
But there would be a moment where Demiur would became little, when all the ore had been mined, all metal worked and all gemstone faceted, and when Demiur did not have any more resource to be exploited, except for its vast agrarian and industrial complexes (specialized in the recycling of resources), the demiurgs looked at the stars, full of ambition and greed, imagining the unknown ores waiting outside their planet to be mined by sufficiently audacious miners. The millenniums of the race technological advancement were soon employed in the construction of gigantic industrial complexes capable of traveling among the stars, each given to an alliance forged between different clans, the so called Guilds.
In the following millennia, amid the light of the Eldar civilization, Guilds would spread across the galaxy, learn to buy, sell and trade all types of merchandise, and become the active arm of the empire who would become Demiur.
Viewed by demiurgs, their home planet was the most perfect of all: a completely tamed planet, where every inch of ground was excavated and replaced with industrialized metal or polished rock. In its moments of glory, Demiur was a huge claustrophobic complex, whose original surface had been broken and trespassed by the “metal caves” built by its inhabitants.
When the demiurg began their travels aboard their ships, their planet was so mechanized that they don’t felt as if they had left their homes, but as if they took part of it with them. Each vessel was just built as an extension of the planet, with the ability to bind and engage to others. In fact the great ships of the guilds could be easily expanded when resources are favorable, just by adding additional "modules" to then.
In the past, it was common for a guild to add modules as their populations grew, releasing a second guild when a certain size had been reached. These events were held with great celebration, involving feasts and ceremonies where the new guild was ordered, and its clans renamed.
At 40,000 ° millennium these events no longer occur and most guilds are happy by just preserving their numbers. Perhaps, a single guild branched under the protection of the Tau in the last century, and maybe that could happen again in the next one hundred years.

The Golden Age
Through their first extra planetary explorations, the guilds found the Eldar Empire with happiness: rich and civilized cultures were better than mere ore, especially for a race that discovered high mercantile behavior flowing through their veins. While the demiurgs discovered an inner talent for the inter-specific commerce, guilds sailed every corner of the galaxy, trading and extracting all kinds of goods with all kinds of beings: sagravian wines were exchanged for elerian fabric, which could be exchanged for dunian spices a few light years from there. There was the cold non habited planets, rich in precious metals, fuels and gems; the planets with no intelligent life, but good amounts of tasteful nutritious beings; and there was also those little developed folks, who knew little or no technology, and delivered tons of gold, food and slaves in exchange for calculators and primitive “fire weapons”.
In Demiur the old forges who had been threatened by death returned to life when raw material coming from everywhere fed the colossal industrial complexes of the planet. Even the technologies were treated as commodities, and the mysteries of reality were divided with the more developed races, ensuring the most valuable part of the negotiation to the demiurgs, of course. Those exotic and unfamiliar technologies were soon studied by the best minds among the Clans of Science and then reproduced for exhausting profit. Much technology was produced, modified and sold by the race at that time, and many other races throughout the galaxy proudly claim the authorship from technologies originally designed, refined and disseminated by the commercial network of the demiurgs, including the proud Eldar.
For the time that the Eldar empire lasted, the demiurgs lived a golden age, knowing peace and progress in a way they would never experiment again. When the pleasure cults became common among the Eldar, numerous guilds eagerly took advantage of the greed and lust of the oldest, oblivious to what was happening in the warp. The mighty demiurg empire enjoyed the profit arising from the depravity of their most loyal customers. Many of the most modern guilds mention this fact with sadness, using it as a warning about the results of unbridled greed…

Death of the Royal Lineage
In the infancy of their race, the demiurgs had a fair share of infighting, as soon as more than one clan inhabited the chambers of the planet, there was competition between them. The demiurgs remember this fact with pride. They say: there is no more formidable opponent than another demiurg, and only through those internal conflict, the race could keep in shape for what would come next. Today that time has passed and the race must unite under one banner, even if occasionally some corporations enter in conflict for variable reasons.
When the great peace was acquired by the race, even before they went out of the home planet, a special agreement made itself present: all Clans, from the largest and most powerful to the youngest and poor, rendered an oath of eternal loyalty to a clan in particular. At that time this family whose ancient name was lost in the eons of the past, made a similar oath, and pledged to govern all demiurg race with fairness and honor. This clan was then called the “Forgefathers”.
If it was any other race involved in an oath of this size, the emergence of distrust and disbelief would be natural, and soon it would ruin such a government, but if there is something notorious in the small demiurgs, it is the power they give to their words, and the consequences of the same. Since then, the Forgefathers fulfilled their part of the agreement generation after generation, while the other clans would never dishonor their own oath, and the demiurgs race became glorious as promised by all.
To the Forgefather patriarch (also called Allfather) was given the control of the whole demiurg kingdom, and although the death of an Allfather was wept by all demiurg in the galaxy, the hope for better days could always be seen on the face of his heir, or in the confidently way as he organized and commanded his loyal subjects. It is in the fate of this lineage of kings, emperors and politicians committed solely for their people, where lay the origin of the largest loss ever suffered by demiurg race.
When the "cults of pleasure" performed by the Eldar finally reached critical mass, and the fourth god was born in the warp, creating the wave of chaos and monstrosity known as the "maelstrom" who consumed the corrupted Eldar empire in its hunger, he also sentenced the demiurgs to lose their home planet and neighbor systems. Demiur was in the very edge of what would become the maelstrom, close enough for the barrier between the worlds to became thin and allow the materialization of a multitude of hungry demons within their complexes
The demiurgs had little chance to counter-attack and could hardly defend themselves: despite all the technological knowledge raised by its scientists over the ages, the demiurgs never possessed the potential for magic psyker and in an demonstration of foolish pride, never sought to understand the horrors of outside reality. The planet was prepared for a large-scale attack from any direction except from within.
Legions of demons emerged from the very air or vacuum inside the huge complex that was the planet, peaceful and unprotected corridors were filled with bloodthirsty ectoplasmic forms, population centers that housed millions of workers were violently invaded in seconds, while agrarian and industrial complexes were stopped by an unknown force.
But the demiurg would not left without a fair share of resistance, even the youngest among the thinkers was versed in the art of war, and given the courage and honor of the race, the demons lost their psychological weapons. When the valiant warriors of the Forgeguard (the Allfather's personal guard, consisting of the best among the clans) finally managed to understand what was happening, it was too late to save the planet but not to make the enemy regret their audacity.
The last message sent from the planet was clear as water: the Forgefathers were dead, and Demiur condemned, there was no longer a home to return to, and each guild approaching, would find only death and horror. The few survivors of the race were only the handful of guilds who sailed less prestigious routes outside the Eldar realm in exploratory missions or the trade of distant spices, and those where the less resourceful and experienced among the entire race.
For the first time in eons, the demiurgs did not know who to turn to, there was no longer a royal lineage, no firstborn Forgefather to take the mantle of the Allfather, no one was appointed as the new ruler of the race: the political system that proved to be perfect for ages was broken into chaos and moans. The Great Oath was no more, and there was no home to return to.
Nowadays Demiur is an empty shell, a complex as huge as Jupiter, inhabited only by ghosts and demons. The magnificent machinery that once produced the finest technology of the Galaxy is rusted and dead, while the farms that once fed millions turned into deserts. and the millions of cubicles from the housing areas are eternal tombs for those who faced an invasion of monsters born into the nightmares.
The planet moves slowly to the oblivion as its little sun wears off, burning their latest hydrogen molecules announcing a possible supernova. The center of the ancient world, once a sea of molten rock, is now a solid stone with the size of a moon.
At the center of this rock lays the last firstborn of the Forgefathers, desperately preserved by his loyal servants in a temporal stasis field, immune to bad foreign and ignoring the demonic presence that surrounds him, waiting patiently for a salvation that will never come.
But there is hope: rumors circulate among the most ancient corporations, about half words from captured demons, indicating the existence of the last Allfather. Those are the rumors who fuel the greed of the ancients for the secrets of the warp, especially the methods for fighting daemons. Apparently these guilds know the fate of the last firstborn, and plan to rescue him soon.

An Imperfect Solution
For the long time before the fall, older guilds received the best routes and products to explore. Those where guild who proved their efficiency in serving Demiur, and received routes and products inside the richest (and mostly ludicrous) parts of Eldar empire. The guilds who assumed external routes or exploration missions were just the youngest, yet to prove their efficiency to the Allfather throne, and receive better resources to explore. Ironically, the guilds who had survived untouched were mostly the younger ones.
Still, the race was forced to choose a destination for itself, even in the absence of the Allfather it should stand together as always. Faced with such a catastrophic event, the younger guilds were obliged to formulate a new form of government, it just did not seem right to appoint a new Allfather, or a new strain of Forgefathers: no living clan could take such a mantle and decide alone for the whole race, them every clan should decide together.
Thus the "Council" was formed, a community governed by the patriarchs of each clan, the main leaders the guild, the ones whose only the Allfather was superior to, responsible for guilds and the maintenance of demiurg lifestyle. They would jointly decide the fate of the demiurg race, speaking together like one and governing in the best way they could.
Among the first decisions of the Council much was common maintenance of the situation, much was just unreasonable bauble, but one of them was related to the restoration of the order in the galaxy, and would be of great importance in its future. Recognizing the core of demiurg culture as the interplanetary commerce, and that no trade system is efficiently possible without order, the Council decided to erect a new intergalactic civilization, but not governed by them. While the galaxy was recovering from the birth of Slanesh, the demiurgs innocently decided to heal the wounds created by the Eldar.

Holy Terra
Back at the start of the human “Age of Technology” the demiurgs found humanity with a strange interest, they were young and using a primitive technology, but had achieved great results booth in size and quality of their domain. As a race they were very interested in commerce, especially if technology was in the negotiation board and also, negotiated very well. Generally the demiurgs liked humanity, and even the Allfathers had some sort of preference toward that “young race”. Their behavior had something that the demiurgs liked, something who made them remember their old infant days, and among the “outer” routes, some of the most ludicrous and well seem where inside or toward the human domain.
At those past millenniums the demiurgs decided to help that infant race to expand, providing them with technology and prosperity delivered for small fees, it was the great age of technology and humanity sailed the stars with ingenuity and geniality, even creating their own form of “faster than light” space travel, using the immaterium whose demiurgs little understood. The older race had some distrust for those arcane ways, and never got real interest for it, but liked the way the young ones threw themselves at the unknown with no fear or regret, looking for new places to conquer as theirs.
After the fall of Demiur most of the surviving guilds were in human domains, or in routes toward or back from that small sector of the galaxy, and so the demiurg hope was put into those young and ambitious “kids”. The Council helped the fragmented humanity, trying to keep small empires in pockets of order and civilization, as they had no ways to engage in inter-systemic communication or travel, due to instabilities in the imaterium, but demiurgs had their own technology who don’t relayed on such arcane ways, and could at least help to keep the civilization walking at slow peace in some places.
It was the end of the “age of strife”, and the Counciul imagined that when humans finally found each other again, they would unite under a common banner and spread the light of civilization across the galaxy one more time. So it was a great plan: discretely organize humans at diverse locations, and given the correct time, see them flourish as the galactic empire the Council wished. It was with great happiness and hope that the Council received the first news about the “emperor”, he was a man of great skill and intellect born at the exact home planet of humanity who planned to rise and unity humanity under the same banner again, a scientific genius with strength to rule human civilization and bring order back to galaxy.
It was not the first one to try, of course, but it was the first one to conquer such amount of success. He promised civilization, peace and progress as the demiurgs wished and planned for centuries, but did so under the dark mantle of xenophobia. The achievements of the Emperor, and the stories of genocide for weak reasons reached the last hopeful among the demiurgs like knives in the chest. There was no way to recover what was the golden age.
Faced with their failure the Council resigned from their position, there was no way to rule as the Allfather, and everything the guilds could do was to fight their own battles around the galaxy, surviving as it was possible. With no fight or arguments, the demiurg race came apart and each guild started to follow its own agenda, seeking their own different goals as well. Some guilds vanished on the galactic edge, reassuming their old initial exploration orders, other even restarted the Council’s project in distant brands of other races, but most simply took trade routes on the edge of the Human Empire, and since then survives as possible.
Using human terms to explain the demiurg biology, it would be easier to say that they are similar to homoeothermic reptiles endowed with considerable intelligence. But even that is oversimplifying the situation. Making an explanation more in line with the practices of the Ordo Xenos:
"The race X935799567 consists of humanoids with small stature (between 1.3 and 1.6 meters ~ 1.45), which have bilateral symmetry, complex nervous and endocrine systems, closed circulatory system with 4 heart chambers, and internal organs concentrated in torso, accumulating similar functions to those in higher vertebrates, but in most cases, located in relative diverse positions.
Metabolism seeks a very strange pattern, with similarities to heterotrophy plus some autotrophic support, apparently they breath O², but can endure long periods of exposition to other gas, also they have ways to metabolize most carbon oxides through autotrophic metabolism, which further increase their resistance to toxic chemicals.
Reproduction is hermaphroditic trough oviparity, the parental care is solitary, with each individual raising one child at a time. Interestingly those creatures muscles, while very similar in nature to those found in most vertebrates are more compact and dense, with higher fiber counts, which apparently is the source of the relative disproportional strength and endurance of the race.
The similarities with the life forms on Terra have originated just from coincidence and evolutionary logic, there is no relationship between these creatures and those related to humanity. It is therefore possible to state that these creatures are for all purposes xenos, and despite its relative similarity, do not qualify as abhumans. Kill on sight."

The Return of the Ancient Ones
With the death of Demiur and the appearance of the maelstrom, most of the demiurg civilization died, apart from the few guilds who stood out of the old eldar domain, there were no other survivors among the sons of Demiur, or that was the way the young corporations imagined it. In truth the most ancients corporations were not so easy to kill, at least not all of them, there was those brave and noble guilds, bold enough to survive the fight in the Maelstrom, but they were few and after all they were only not dead. Each had faced their own version of the invasion on Demiur, some died exactly like the planet, and only gathering the scattered terrifying reports among the survivors, they were able to glimpse at the horror suffered by the planet. Lost in a storm of pure chaos, those guilds accomplished what appeared to be impossible: they struggled for survive and made it an opportunity.
During the millenniums of existence of the race, they always ignored the “imaterium” as a real source of resources, they always had greater ways to deal with the material and regarded the “non-reality” as something not to deal with. Even with their allies using fantastic mechanisms who enabled faster space travel, or even instant in some cases, the race stood out of those “arcane technologies”, and acquired little knowledge about it only trough a handful off “unimportant” trades.
This disinterest about the warp is something very understandable if looking at the race: demiurgs don’t produce any type of reflect in the warp, and they just don’t generate psykers at all, technically, it is like they never existed for the imaterium, and for a lot of time, the imaterium itself did not existed for them. As a race they were so unattained to the warp, that they had no mythology at all, no cults for gods or even some “after death” myths, the closest to that in their culture being their dedication to the clan (simple speaking, a pompous word for "family"), and their strong sense of preservation toward history and to the heroes of the past (which included booth warriors, leaders, laborers and scientists)
When the few surviving ancient guilds found themselves inside the maelstrom, they were in the worst possible scenario: there was no home to go back, no ways to travel securely and any communication with other guilds was impossible, the maelstrom had turned into a mix of reality and un-reality where the regular navigation technology had little to no use. Facing such a treat, those guilds started researching their new surroundings, eager to develop ways to use it, those were the finest of the guilds, leaden by the greatest Patriarchs after the Forge Father, and in possess of the deepest secrets available to the race. Eventually, communication technologies started to work and demiurgs inside the maelstrom finally started to share their own findings and gather information, and short after it they developed an effective navigation technology for that chaotic ambient.
Surviving the menacing surroundings, fighting against demonic beings and chaos worshipers, the ancient houses learned more and improved their innovative travel engines. Through the fallowing centuries they explored, catalogued and understood the mysterious chaos of the immaterium, glimpsing at it surface with curiosity and fear, shielded by their relative invisibility to the warp entities, they struggled to preserve the race, wishfully desiring that some others had survived outside that hellish nightmare.
Some centuries later, they would finally find a way out of the maelstrom and communicate with the other surviving corporations, and one other brand of the demiurg race reappeared, literally coming out of the pure chaos to prove to the galaxy that order could survive anything. The galaxy for itself had changed to much, but gladly there was other demiurgs alive, whose had their own struggles against fate but survived.
The younger guilds had made a good work keeping Demiur culture and lore trough the ages who passed, even if relatively short (demiurg live longer than humans) it was a time of struggle and hardship afterall. Now the ancient guilds are back, the finest among the finest, and they have plans to reunite the sons of Demiur, plans who are already in motion.
Most of younger corporations feels a bit unnerved by the return of their cousins, not only they came back with some sort of “superiority complex” and trying to give order to everyone, but they also have changed. The incursions of the Ancient Patriarchs into the warp secrets and the life within the maelstrom “un-reality” turned them into a bit different, not enough to be perceived by any other race, not even in some “evil sense” by eldar or human standards, but enough to make them annoying among other demiurgs. Even so, there was a sense of joy and respect toward them, as not only they have survived the worst situation, but had made it with an impressive audacity.
Indeed, the ancients have created an incredible navigation and travel system to use in the maelstrom, who by nature was easily adapted to the imaterium itself. This system is called “Locke” and use a principle very similar to the one used by humanity warp drives, which instead of a living navigator use a complex artificial intelligence to simulate the psyker mind. Also, the system use the imaterium itself as reference (instead of some powerful psyker in the material world), associated with pure statistical analysis. Their first “navigators” were programmed with eldar psychic models, but the most recent of them use more complex programs modeled after demonic psychology, literally understanding the non-reality as its indigenous beings do.
The demiurgs have the habit of test their creations exhaustively, sometimes taking centuries before finally declaring something done and safe, and that is no less true to the “Locke” system, the ancients are not willing to offer it to the other guilds yet, but the last tests regarding it involved some of those exploratory guild from the old days, who are actually testing it at the deep of the imaterium.

The Greater Good
In the past 800 years the Galaxy saw something unique and impressive, manifested in the emergence and expansion of the Tau Empire. This young race have come from nothing, reaching an extreme and functional technology in a relative short time, and conquered its own part of the galaxy. It is not small the number of patriarchs who solid believe the Tau to be some "Council second try" who actually worked. It is not secret that various guilds tried to repeat the Council plan with other races, most of them ending destroyed by civil war or humanity iron hand, but maybe the Tau are the success the last counselors wanted.
It was very easy for some guilds to make contact with the greater good, and as soon as they were received with open arms by the younger race, many other guilds sought the protection of the Tau, offering their technology and warriors in return. While the number of guilds joining forces with the “young ones” is increasing, at the same rate, ludicrous territories are annexed to the Tau Empire.
These alliances are seem suspicious by most of the modern guilds, who remained distant, fearful of seeing history simply repeat itself. But undoubtedly the Tau have something new and pleasant to offer to the older race: It was under the banner of the Tau "Greater Good" that for the first time since the Fall, a guild created a branch, that is, reached such a population that it had to expand its complex and expel a new guild.

The Future
The galaxy in the year 40,000 is an evil and sinister place, there is no peace for anyone and war is constant. Most guilds do not see this with good eyes, but recognize that if civilization and order are positive for controlled market, chaos and war produces unparalleled opportunities for the bold investors. Usually, these guilds avoid any contact with the Empire of Humanity, and characterize their routes with erratic paths seemingly chaotic in a tentative of avoid the human xenophobic ways.
As race, the demiurgs are not dying, at least not in the same way as the Eldar. Their population had been constant over the millenniums, and was unequivocally reinforced during the Golden Age before de Fall. Indeed, the future looks promising as the race even saw the birth of a new guild in the last centuries, and the secrets of the warp are unraveling to their most bold scientists. Apparently the race does not ignore the dark fate that seems to spread across the galaxy, and the ancient guilds of the maelstrom certainly have some knowledge about the true state of the Emperor, however, they faced other crisis before and survived, so it is not time to moan anymore, but "brace for impact" and prepare for the changes that are coming, be their bad news or good surprises.

Timeline
23.000 BC – The Eternal Oath is pledged.

20.000 BC – Demiurgs leave Demiur for the first time. As it is common, the demiurg have a tittle for the event, calling it “The Hatch”.

19.000 BC – The first contact with the Eldar is made, and the Empire of Demiurg start to grow at the eldar shadow., they call this “The Discovery”

10.000 BC – Demiurgs start to leave the Eldar Empire domains, and explore the rest of the galaxy by themselves. This is properly called “The Expansion”

M22 – First contacts with Humans, the contact is peacefull and very lucrative for booth races. The demiurgs are so attracted by the young race that historians call this event as “The Charming”.

M30 – The fall of Eldar engulfs Demiur in the maelstrom. Surviving guilds start to take care of some humanity comunities, hoping for the next age of order. This is called by the race as “The Fall”.

M31 – The 1st “Graeat Crusade” kill the hopes of demiurg who believed in the emperor and humanity. Most of the race scatter trough the Galaxy. The race call this event as “The Scatter”

M39 – The most ancient guilds make their way out of the maelstrom. Some historians call this “The Return”, some young guilds call this “The Proof”.

M40 – The first contact with the Tau Empire happens, and some guilds joins them. The control of humanity over the Empire start to fade, and some guilds start to travel inside of it. There is no tittle for this event yet.

This message was edited 4 times. Last update was at 2014/06/19 23:32:43


If my post show some BAD spelling issues, please forgive-me, english is not my natural language, and i never received formal education on it...
My take on Demiurgs (enjoy the reading):
http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/537654.page
Please, if you think im wrong, correct me (i will try to take it constructively). 
   
Made in za
Fixture of Dakka




Temple Prime

As an afficianado of minor xenos, I like this. I'll give an in depth review tomorrow.

 Midnightdeathblade wrote:
Think of a daemon incursion like a fart you don't quite trust... you could either toot a little puff of air, bellow a great effluvium, or utterly sh*t your pants and cry as it floods down your leg.



 
   
Made in us
Ancient Venerable Dreadnought





The Beach

Squats > *

Marneus Calgar is referred to as "one of the Imperium's greatest tacticians" and he treats the Codex like it's the War Bible. If the Codex is garbage, then how bad is everyone else?

True Scale Space Marines: Tutorial, Posing, Conversions and other madness. The Brief and Humorous History of the Horus Heresy

 
   
Made in za
Fixture of Dakka




Temple Prime


Let's try to be constructive shall we?

 Midnightdeathblade wrote:
Think of a daemon incursion like a fart you don't quite trust... you could either toot a little puff of air, bellow a great effluvium, or utterly sh*t your pants and cry as it floods down your leg.



 
   
Made in us
Ancient Venerable Dreadnought





The Beach

 Kain wrote:

Let's try to be constructive shall we?
Okay. You start.

Marneus Calgar is referred to as "one of the Imperium's greatest tacticians" and he treats the Codex like it's the War Bible. If the Codex is garbage, then how bad is everyone else?

True Scale Space Marines: Tutorial, Posing, Conversions and other madness. The Brief and Humorous History of the Horus Heresy

 
   
Made in za
Fixture of Dakka




Temple Prime

Well, I believe a somewhat more precise timeline would be in order. There is after all, a pretty big gap between the Eldar Empire and the days where humanity was a name on anyone's lips. Addittionally, there was little if any gap between the end of the Eldar Empire and the fall of Dark Age humanity, so perhaps it would be good to restructure the Demiurg's meeting with humanity as noticing a new trade partner, only to see them fall to the rise of psykers within their population.

Also, I believe you should definitively answer the Demiurg's place during the war in heaven, or at least answer where they were during that period of time, which is to most Xenos species as the Horus Heresy is to Imperial and Chaos forces. Given what I've read, you could put in a blurb about how the Demiurg rose out of the ashes created by that apocalyptic conflict and carved a niche in a galaxy settling down after millions of years of war.

And given that the Demiurg are fond of digging when they find mineral rich worlds and asteroids, you could put in their discovery of the Necrons and their interest in the most ancient Milky Way natives in current 40k and their attempts to interact with the deathless legions. Note that some Necrons are in fact nice enough to engage in trade with other species, while others are horribly speciesist at best, and some outright want the extermination of all organic life. So you can put in some stuff about how the Demiurg started categorizing the various Necron dynasties based on how receptive they were to trade.

Although it's worth noting that generally speaking, the more approachable Necron Dynasties tend to be somewhat eccentric and would tend to make quite unusual trade requests that wouldn't make terribly much sense from an outsider's perspective.

The Hrud and Orks would make for natural enemies of the Demiurg, the Hrud because they literally decay and rot everything they touch that isn't theirs and like to hide out in all the dank dark places your Demiurg would be fond of, and the Orks because all those shiny flash bitz are just itching to be looted by some mekboyz, and if your Demiurg are good at fighting, that's a bonus for any Ork WAAAAGH!

And of course, there's the Tyranids, newcomers to the galaxy who have every faction save for the Orks terrified of annihilation and a chompy death. The Demiurg have in fact fought the Tyranids in at least one recorded instance, with reports of two Commerce vessels joining a hodgepoge alliance of naval vessels lead by Imperial Admiral Hanroth at the battle of the black Nebula to face off against the main bulk of Hive Fleet Jormungandr in a desperate battle to save the northern rim of the galaxy from a fate that involves stomach acids.

On a more literary standpoint, your posts come in big, massive blocks and I think it'd be best to break them up into smaller paragraphs for ease of reading. This is really my main complaint with this work, but overall I found it to be a very nice read.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/07/05 15:40:25


 Midnightdeathblade wrote:
Think of a daemon incursion like a fart you don't quite trust... you could either toot a little puff of air, bellow a great effluvium, or utterly sh*t your pants and cry as it floods down your leg.



 
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





I liked the general idea of it, the story kept pulling me along because I wanted to know. So as a fiction you've done good there. Apart from a few words in one of two places you did pretty good with your english too. A touch up and it'l be grand.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in br
Longtime Dakkanaut




Brazil

Kain: thank you. All your points are great, things that I had not think about, and whose could make the history a lot better. I will try to think about those gaps you pointed out, and maybe i should review the chronology of 40k universe one more time...

Thank you guys, I always like comments and critics.

And Veteran Seargent, as Demiurgs tend to say: keep bragging about squats, and the next squatted one will be you!!! ( healthy joke here!!!)

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/07/05 19:14:53


If my post show some BAD spelling issues, please forgive-me, english is not my natural language, and i never received formal education on it...
My take on Demiurgs (enjoy the reading):
http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/537654.page
Please, if you think im wrong, correct me (i will try to take it constructively). 
   
Made in za
Fixture of Dakka




Temple Prime

 The Dwarf Wolf wrote:
Kain: thank you. All your points are great, things that I had not think about, and whose could make the history a lot better. I will try to think about those gaps you pointed out, and maybe i should review the chronology of 40k universe one more time...

Thank you guys, I always like comments and critics.

And Veteran Seargent, as Demiurgs tend to say: keep bragging about squats, and the next squatted one will be you!!! ( healthy joke here!!!)

You're welcome!

I always like to help people out with their fluff ideas.

 Midnightdeathblade wrote:
Think of a daemon incursion like a fart you don't quite trust... you could either toot a little puff of air, bellow a great effluvium, or utterly sh*t your pants and cry as it floods down your leg.



 
   
Made in br
Longtime Dakkanaut




Brazil

Added new stuff

If my post show some BAD spelling issues, please forgive-me, english is not my natural language, and i never received formal education on it...
My take on Demiurgs (enjoy the reading):
http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/537654.page
Please, if you think im wrong, correct me (i will try to take it constructively). 
   
Made in gb
Battlefield Tourist





On an Express Elevator to Hell!!

Really cool, thanks for taking the time to write I enjoyed reading it.

Epic 30K&40K! A new players guide, contributors welcome https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/751316.page
Small but perfectly formed! A Great Crusade Epic 6mm project: https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/694411.page
Excellent discussion forum & information collection for Epic and other small scale miniatures: http://www.tacticalwargames.net/taccmd/index.php
 
   
Made in br
Longtime Dakkanaut




Brazil

Version 1.3: i understood some terms where wrong at my fluff, and changed them into something more suitable. Most notable: corporations are now called Guilds, and the Demiurg divide themselves into "young" and "ancient" guilds (not young and noble). Also i remade the general look of the text.

Still Working at Society Description

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/06/19 23:32:19


If my post show some BAD spelling issues, please forgive-me, english is not my natural language, and i never received formal education on it...
My take on Demiurgs (enjoy the reading):
http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/537654.page
Please, if you think im wrong, correct me (i will try to take it constructively). 
   
 
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