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This is a Deathwatch fanfic i wrote i hope you guys enjoy it, also i started writing chapter II

Chapter I
Location: Talasa Prime

A thunderhawk primed in black with the sign of the Legion of One slowly approaches to a landing platform on a small bunker, where about ten to fifteen deathwatch marines are standing and awaiting for the transport to land and drop its cargo off, one of the deathwatch marines is Captain Seraphis, his armor is primed in black, on his left pauldron he has the salamanders symbol and the right pauldron down to his vambrace is completely silver with the Legion of One symbol on his pauldron.
The thunderhawk lands opening it's hatch and Captain Seraphis approaches it, then from the dark of the inside of the thunderhawk and an Inquisitor emerges and walks down the ramp towards Seraphis. Alessio stopping in front of him "Hello captain Seraphis I have heard about you I am inquisitor Alessio ill be assisting you to the planet of Voldarus, now let's get inside and start this briefing shall we." Alessio then started to walk towards the door, Seraphis then turned and followed Alessio inside, then the deathwatch marines follow from behind.

Alessio was the first to step into the room, he then proceeded towards a table console, he then took out a chip from inside his brown trench coat and put it onto a tray and pushed it inside, a hologram then appeared above it showing the planet of Voldarus, on the hologram of the planet there was a pulsating red dot on its surface.
Alessio pointed to it and said "Alright today we will be heading to the planet of Voldarus, once a research planet now abandon due to an ork wagh that happened a millennia back, we don't know if there's any sign of ork activity or not, but a research facility in this area we don't know which one has the what we are looking for I can't say what it is but we need it, if the green skin or any other "thing" gets their hands on it then..emperor help us."
"I see." said Seraphis "if their is any sign of green skin on planet side were gonna have to take precautions, get in and get out, also our battlecruiser is ready and waiting in orbit." All the Deathwatch marines nodded confirming that they all understand the mission, Alessio then said "This briefing is over then." All the Deathwatch marines walked away to get ready for their mission, two Deathwatch marines were walking together Folkmar of the Space wolves, and Anteus an apothecary of the Crimson Fists were walking down the hall to the armory, Anteus turned to Folkmar while walking and said "I hope it's nothing too important the orks want, if it is then they're gonna put up a good fight for it." Folkmar turned and said "Good, I want them to, it'll be a fun fight i'll be looking forward to it."
Anteus grinned and said "Don't get your hopes high, like they said they're might be orks... I hope it's eldar though, they put up a good fight at least, don't get me wrong orks are good but I like some variety." Folkmar laughed and said "I'm the wolf and you're the one wanting a fight."

They reached the armory door, Anteus stopped in front of the door and grinned while shaking his head to what Folkmar just said, "Ha!, no one wants more of a fight then you wolves." Anteus then pushed a button the door slid up fast and Anteus walked into the armory Folkmar following him from behind into the armory there was about six space marines getting they're armor repaired and blessed by the tech-priests, while some loaded and cleaned their guns. In the room there was a Deathwatch devastator marine assembling his gun while cleaning some parts before putting it back on. Anteus and Folkmar walked up to him, he stopped what he was doing and put the stuff aside and got up and they grabbed each others vambrace, "Brother! it's nice to see you again how was the compliance in the Trambar system." Anteus began
"Alright, but those dark eldar pirates came, thank the emperor we got to kill something." They both laughed, Anteus said "Brother Folkmar this is Pseudo of the White Consules we had a campaign together in the Crandus system against the Sons of Malice." Folkmar and Pseudo grabbed each others vambrace and greeted each other. Pseudo then said "Well brothers I must get back to my work, I'm looking forward to going on this mission with you two." They both grinned, Anteus then said " I'll be looking forward to it, it'll be just like old times like on Flandor." Anteus and Pseudo embraced one more time then he and Folkmar walked away to get ready for the mission.

Two tech-priests went up to Folkmar to bless his armor and put three more purity seals, one on his storm bolter and, the other two on both of his pauldrons on the rim, when they finished they went onto the next space marine to bless him and to improve his armor. Folkmar was thinking to himself, how old was that space marine, how long has he served the Deathwatch, what has he killed in his years of service. When Folkmar was thinking about that space marine he thought of Bjorn the fellhanded the longest serving dreadnought of the space wolves, he fought in the times of the Arch-Traitor, almost losing his life in the course of it, but even in death duty didn't end for the legend.

As captain Seraphis walked with Alessio down to the hanger to the readied thunderhawks, Seraphis tur ned to Alessio and said "Inquisitor... I must know what is it we are looking for, can it end a race, destroy a planet, I must know what I am sending my squad in for."
Alessio kept on walking never making eye contact with Seraphis, he just said to him "don't worry it only matters in thee end time." Seraphis didn't understand what the inquisitor meant by that, thee end time. Seraphis just kept on thinking about it, thee end time….thee end time….thee end time, he wondered what that meant it didn't make sense to him so he just took it as a warning nothing too important to throw him off track. He then boarded onto the thunderhawk.

Why not just post it here on Dakka? Anyhow time for feedback I suppose.

1. Characthers : Well Il start here for the sake of being somewhat metodical. You need to flesh out your story characthers more, explain why they have ended up in the service of the death watch, what are their personalties alike and what sort of mindset do they have. Also it would be good to maybe have a bit of fricktion between the different characthers.

2. Conversations : I strongly suggest you do some reading of a SM book, becaus ehte dialouge struck me as very, very unlike anything a Kill team from the Death watch would have, far to informal.

i like it. i just would like to see you use diffrent phrases and words saying he walked up to is good once a page or paragraph. but all together i love it i wanna find out what the inquistion is hunting for.