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Tell it!
I just realized Dakka seems to be lacking a thread for posting jokes. So why not make one?
If you know any good jokes, please post them here.
I will start by posting a few Russian jokes about Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev, a hero from the Russian Civil War, and his trusty companions Anka and Petka:
Chapayev, Petka and Anka, in hiding from the Whites, are crawling plastoon-style across a field: Anka first, then Petka and Chapayev is last.
Petka says to Anka, "Anka, you lied about your proletarian descent! Your mother must have been a ballerina -- your legs are so fine!"
Chapayev responds, "And your father, Petka, must have been a plowman, judging from the deep furrow you're leaving behind you!"
"I flunked my history exam, Petka. They asked me who Caesar was, and I said it's a stallion from our 7th cavalry squadron."
"It's all my fault, Vasily Ivanovich! While you were away, I reassigned him to the 6th!"
On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Commissar Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!"
"How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exciting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?"
"See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it. You'll only wear down your horse."
A Soviet elementary school teacher, in preparation for the celebration of the anniversary of the Revolution, asks the children whether any of their relatives knew anyone of the old Bolshevik guard. Sashka stands up and says that his grandfather knew Chapayev. The teacher is overjoyed and asks Sashka to ask his grandfather if he wants to come to the school and tell the children about Chapayev. The grandfather accepts and comes to the lesson on the next day.
-Comrade Petrov, your grandson says you knew our great hero Chapayev, who fought and died for the triumph of communism!
-Yes, comrade teacher, indeed I met Vasily Ivanovich, the revolutionary hero, once.
-Oh, that's so exciting! Please, would you tell the children about him? When did you meet him, how do you remember him?
-Of course. Well, kids, I fought in the civil war. It was a fine morning in September, I remember it clearly - our platoon had had a long march and we were resting on the banks of a river. So I'm sitting there, eating an apple, a machine gun in my lap. Then suddenly, I see movement - there's some guy swimming across the river.
His Excellency, next to me, jumps up and shouts: "That's him! Shoot, Ivan! Shoot!" Shoot I did...Well, kids, that was the last time I saw Chapayev.
Spoiler:
Note: the joke here is that 'His Excellency' was the form of adress for a White Army general
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/03/02 21:33:36
Waiting for my shill money from Spiral Arm Studios
Why was the Possum laying flat in the middle of the road?
Spoiler:
because he got tired
Self-proclaimed evil Cat-person. Dues Ex Felines
Cato Sicarius, after force feeding Captain Ventris a copy of the Codex Astartes for having the audacity to play Deathwatch, chokes to death on his own D-baggery after finding Calgar assembling his new Eldar army.
three men walk into a three floor hotel.
the first man requests a room on the top floor.
the receptionist says "yes, but we are having problems with our sinks, you will have to shave off the balcony"
the second man requests a second floor room, the rplie is
"certainly, but we are having problems with the toilets, so you will have to urinate off the balcony."
the third man asks for a ground floor romm.
"of course, but you will have to keep a barbeque outside at all times"
that night the first man is shaving, but drops his rozor.
the second man, who happens to be peeing, realises he is missing something.
something lands on the barbeque.
the next morning, the first man says "where can I buy a new razor?" the resceptionist points to a corner store outside.
the second man says "I... I... I don't have a penis" and vomits.
the third man says "god gave me a sausage last night, it tasted wonderful."'
a Cuban, an Asian and an Australian are in a life boat. they have sprang a small leak, and need to throw some things off. so they decide to get rid of the things they already have to much of.
the Cuban throws away cigars.
the Asian throws away some noodles.
the Australian throws away the Asian.
This is an old one. Remember its all in good humor
Spoiler:
"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "gak, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."
Russia has also raised its security level to " We're back!" from the previous level of "Biding Time", the only other lower level is "Wistful Chess Playing".
"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "gak, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."
Russia has also raised its security level to " We're back!" from the previous level of "Biding Time", the only other lower level is "Wistful Chess Playing".
That one was bloody brilliant
Leonid Brezhnev has become the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Exited, he shows his mother around his new dacha; 'Look mother! golden cranes, tennis yards, three swimming pools and a garage filled with expensive cars!' But as he shows his mother more and more wealth, her face becomes sadder and sadder. Finally, Brezhnev asks her: 'Mother, what is the problem? Aren't you happy that I've become so succesful?' His mother answers: 'Why yes, Lyonya, I am very happy for you, but I am also very worried. What is to become of you once the communists get here?'
"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" - "Yes" - "And how many have you collected so far?" - "Three and a half labor camps."
"The first report of the first Chinese human spaceflight: "All systems operational, boiler-men on duty!"
"Chinese hackers cracked Pentagon's server. Each of them tried to login with the password "Mao Tse-Tung". On the 2,934,568th attempt the server agreed."
A memo in a student dining hall: "Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already been poisoned!".
-"Nurse, where're we going?" -"To the morgue." -"But I haven't died yet!" -"Well, we haven't arrived yet."
-"Grandfather, is it true that there was an accident at Chernobyl in 1986?" -''Yes there was" answered the grandfather and patted his grandson's head. -"And is it also true that it had absolutely no consequences?" -"Yes of course, absolutely." Answered the grandfather and patted his grandson's second head.
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2014/03/02 21:32:00
I heard a joke once. Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
Good joke.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/03/02 15:53:21
“Idleness is the enemy of the soul; and therefore the brethren ought to be employed in manual labor at certain times, at others, in devout reading.”
― St. Benedict of Nursia, The Rule of Saint Benedict
The Mendicants Polaris, Chaos Warband, Deviant Sect of Word Bearers
Iron_Captain wrote: Tell it!
I just realized Dakka seems to be lacking a thread for posting jokes. So why not make one?
We've had them in the past. They inevitably get locked because people either abuse it by posting huge walls of text quoting and requoting 'haha-I-made-you-listen-to-the-WHOLE-thing' jokes, or because people inevitably get offended. And with that...
NSFW
Spoiler:
Two guys are riding in a train. They both realize that each of them has a huge black eye. So the first guy asks the second guy how he got his shiner.
"It was crazy," says the second guy. "I had one of those Freudian slips, you know? Where you mean to say one thing, but it accidentally comes out as something else? I went to buy my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest rack you've ever seen. I mean, just unbelievable! And what I meant to say was 'Excuse me miss, can I get two tickets to Pittsburgh?' but what I accidentally said was 'Excuse me miss, can I get to pickets to Tittsburgh?' And then she reached over the counter and blasted me in the face!
"Oh my god!" says the first guy. "The SAME thing happened to me! Total Freudian slip! I was eating breakfast with my wife of twenty years, and what I meant to say was 'Excuse me honey, would you please pass the Post Toastie-O's?' but what I accidentally said was 'You ruined my life you miserable bitch!'
NSFW, and furthermore, do not read if religious humor offends you.
Late yesterday, a busload of Canadian tourists, mostly from the Toronto area, on holiday in Mexico suffered a mechanical failure and crashed through the low rise barrier while traveling on a mountain road. Sadly there are no reports of survivors.
Upon their arrival at St. Peter's Gate, the Canadians remarked about how dismal and depressing the unending whiteness of their new surrounds. Taking offense to this, the ungrateful Canadians were immediately sent strait down to the other place.
Meanwhile, while taking stock of the sate of affaires, Satan was surprised by a sudden chorus of cheers. Looking about, he spied the large of new arrivals suddenly breaking out a BBQ, setting up a volleyball net, sun chairs and generally having a gay old time celebrating their new surroundings!
Angrily stalking over to these new comers, Satan demanded to know why they were so happy about being surrounded by fire & brimstone, at which point one of the Canadians remarked, "well where we come from it's normally like -40 on a good day and snows 9 months of the year, so this place is like paradise!"
Wanting to show the Canadians just who's boss, Satan turned on his heel and headed for the climate control room and jacked his AC up to max, turning the fiery landscape into a frozen, wintery wasteland.
To his utter bewilderment, Stan was shocked to hear even louder cries of joy erupt from the Canadians,
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are all driving home for Christmas, when suddenly, the car crashes and they all die. As the three of them ascend to heaven, they are met at the pearly gates by Saint Paul. Saint Paul says to them "Right lads, because it's Christmas, God has a special challenge for getting into heaven. Each of you must show me something Christmassy." The three of them look panicked, however, the Englishman has an idea and goes first. He pulls out his keys from his pocket, shakes them so they clink, and says "Look, jingle bells!" Saint Paul says "Right, in you go." The Scotsman goes next. He pulls out his cigarette lighter, lights it, and says "Look, a Christmas candle!" Saint Paul says "Okay, in you go." The Irishman goes last. He reaches in his pocket, and pulls out a pair of little pink knickers. Saint Paul looks at them puzzled, and asks "What's that got to do with Christmas?" The Irishman says "They're Carol's."
Spoiler:
An Englishman walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender pours him a gin and tonic. Just as he's about to drink it, he looks next to him, and standing there is Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson turns to the Englishman and says "I only feth white girls, what are you gonna do about it?" The Englishman panics, downs his gin and tonic, and says "I better get going." He leaves the bar, and a Scotsman walks in. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a scotch. The bartender pours him a scotch. Just as he's about to drink it, he looks next to him, and standing there is Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson turns to the Scotsman and says "I only feth white girls, what are you gonna do about it?" The Scotsman panics, downs his gin and tonic, and says "I think I best be leaving." He leaves the bar and joins the Englishman across the road as they both see an Irishman walk into the bar. Seconds later, the Irishman comes flying out of the door to the bar with a huge bruise on his face. The Englishman and the Scotsman go up to the Irishman and ask him what happened. The Irishman says "You're not gonna believe it. I went into the bar there, and I went up to the bartender and asked for a pint of Guinness. So the bartender poured me a pint of Guinness, and just as I'm about to drink it, I looked next to me, and standing there was Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson turned to me and said "I only feth white girls, what are you gonna do about it?" And I said "Oh, if I had your kind of money Mike Tyson, I'd only feth white girls too."
The Kasrkin were just men. It made their actions all the more astonishing. Six white blurs, they fell upon the cultists, lasguns barking at close range. They wasted no shots. One shot, one kill. - Eisenhorn: Malleus
The Mendicants Polaris, Chaos Warband, Deviant Sect of Word Bearers 
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