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ok so i wrote my first fan fiction of the deathwatch only one chapter so long story short reading the comments it sucked so now i decided to reboot it writing it completely over, new plot and everything so here it is not yet complete but hey.


Chapter One


Captain Kel'ke a Salamander of the deathwatch stood upon a landing platform atop of a large fortress with the sun shinning off his bare onyx skin head, two of his brothers of the deathwatch stood with him apothecary Anteus of the Blood Angles and Pseudo of the Howling Griffons. Kel'ke narrowed his burning red eyes to the silver thunder-hawk approaching the fortress he knew this wasn't any astartes hawk this one was silver with a "I" colored in crimson red with a skull in the center of it, he knew it was the inquisition it wasn't the first time the he worked with them.

Inquisitor batemier siting down with his back erect he looked at a inquisitorial stormtrooper standing sideways by the door to the cockpit looking out the window he had his helmet under his arm and his other hand to his chest holding his dog tags. The name Darius engraved onto it. His hair jet black and slicked to the back with gel. he has a broad shaped skull structure, like the ancients would say chiseled by the gods themselves. He thought of a time that was very long ago in a battle with the nids, he had two healed scars going down the left side of his face something he will never for the rest of his life a story...a legacy he will always remember.
The thunder-hawk had landed it engines still running, the noise cutting through everything else. Then as loud as it was the engines cut off and the ramp right below the cockpit opened and the inquisitor walked out and his guards behind him. He walked towards Kel'ke. He was not a stranger to the salamanders but the first thing he notices about them are those bright red eyes it as if the salamander is looking right into his soul but that didn't bother him, he had fought side by side with them also in a past campaign.

You need to work on your punctuation and sentence structure.
There are also a bits where the writing doesn't flow particularly well.("atop a large fortress" rather than "atop of a".)

His hair jet black and slicked back with gel, he has a broad skull structure like the ancient terrans would say "chiseled by the gods themselves." He turned his head to the left where he could see the inquisitor in his peripheral.

This for example.
You also mix up tenses a few times.
That said it's an interesting opening. I get the feeling there is a part of the narrative that is from the Inquisitor's viewpoint. (Yes/no?) It might be worth characterising his thoughts a bit more clearly.

looking right into his soul but that didn't really bother him.

Maybe add why it doesn't bother him. Inquisitor's are usually being of incredible conviction so perhaps he is convinced all of his actions no matter how bloody or brutal were for the betterment of the Imperium?