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Frostbite Falls

I've only this one idea for a Warhammer 40k story, only it's not really a 40k story, it's a silly story about lots of stuff.

Location: Really Really Big Sci-Fi/Fantasy Convention.

Situation: Desperate. After decades of mutual tolerance and acceptance, the many fanbases have declared all-out war on each other.

The Silly Gimmick: Everything special about a fictional setting is real for the fans of it.

Just picture it. Trekkies armed with phaser rifles and bat'leths fighting Jedi Knights and their legions of Imperial Stormtroopers and/or Clonetroopers, while outside in the parking lot Gundams and EVAs and whatnot are dueling it out to determine who the best mecha is. This even extends into space, where all the Enterprises lead the combined Federation/Klingon fleet in a three-way battle between them, the Empire and the Rebel Alliance from Star Wars, and the Battlestar Galactica and it's fleet of Cylon Basestars. Babylon 5 is floating off by itself and apparently content to merely shoot at anyone who gets too close, while the crew of Serenity and all the other browncoats have all decided to haul ass out of there. Meanwhile, the various fantasy genres are tearing reality a new one with Gandalf the White and Dumbledore locked in a Wizard Duel while Aragorn is leading the Armies of Middle Earth against the guys from Game of Thrones, and the older generation of White Wolf players are taking the opportunity to raise the quality of the gene-pool by hunting down anyone wearing shirts that say "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob". There's also Daleks and Cybermen running about, but The Doctor doesn't seem to have arrived yet. Oh, and the anime and manga nerds are probably up to something, but I don't follow any of that so hell if I know who they're fighting and why.

The people running the Con have no idea what to do. Everything is going to hell around them and Security ran away hours ago. It looks like the fighting won't stop until a single franchise wins out, and it looks like the Con Center will be destroyed long before that.

Then the Warhammer 40k fans show up fashionably late. With a wave of the arm, the 40k nerds dressed like Imperial Guard Generals summon fleets of landing ships full of Guardsmen and support staff. The Trekkies are the first to fall, their series' utter lack of realistic military tactics or equipment making them soft targets for Lasguns, while the impractically shaped Bat'Leth leaves them vulnerable to the (comparatively) more believable chainsaw. The Jedi Knights and Sith Lords are next, their skill with a lightsabre providing little protection against Bolter rounds, Frag Grenades and Flamer blasts. The Stormtroopers take a while longer to clear out, they keep pulling more and more obscure stuff from their bloated canon to try to regain the upper hand, but the only thing bringing in colossal Imperial fortresses from old Marvel comics from the seventies does is give the Guard an excuse to field Baneblades and other Apocalypse-scale weapons. Oh, and the fighting has long since moved outside for them.

Earlier on, agents of the Holy Inquisition, the Grey Knights, and the Sisters of Battle dealt with several of the fantasy franchises, as well as My Little Pony. They thought they'd be save amongst the Sororitas. They were wrong. Did you know horse meat tastes just like beef, only sweeter, and with a coarser texture? It's true!

I don't know much about Japanese franchises outside of Super Mario Bros., but from what I've picked up from Internet Osmosis, The Grey Knights would banish the Death Note back to the Warp and the Officio Assassinorum would beat those headband wearing ninjas at their own game. Long before the Star Wars War was taken outside, the Titan Legions would have curbstomped every single giant robot who showed up that day. The Transformers would try to escape, but the Adeptus Mechanicus would quickly hunt them down and dismantle them for techno-heresy.

The Daleks and the Cybermen would find themselves one-upped by the Necrons. The Cybermen would be the first to fall, while the Dalek's usual Time-Travel chicanery would be blocked at every turn by the Cryptek chronomancers. The Doctor would finally show up, only to be shot in the head by a Deathmark the minute he stepped out of the TARDIS. This would be a running gag in the background, as he'd keep regenerating only to be shot as soon as he stood up.

In space things would be just as awesome. Like on the surface, the Star Trek forces would be the first to fall as their tiny ships faced of against kilometer-long cathedrals of death. It also helps that as the franchise went on the ships were more and more stupidly designed, until they were riddled with absolutely moronic weaknesses and vulnerabilities that no designer could get away with nowadays. Seriously, look it up up. These ships are flying deathtraps that are more of a danger to their crews then they are to any enemy. You want an example? Their matter-antimatter reactors are less safe then today's nuclear reactors. It's called an emergency cut-out. Every reactor in the world has one. What's that? Three-Mile Island? Chernobyl? Those both happened because the guy in charge of the plant was a moron who deliberately went out of his way to circumvent every single safety measure there was in order to increase output to fething stupid levels. It's like suing the company for injuries sustained after you void the warranty. You want another example? Nobody in the Starfleet Corps of Engineering knows what an emergency manual override is. Here's a little hint: IT'S A WAY TO OPEN A DOOR OR SHUT A DEVICE DOWN WITHOUT REQUIRING AN ACTIVE POWER FLOW. IF THE POWER TO THE BUTTON THAT OPENS A DOOR IS OUT, THE EMERGENCY MANUAL OVERRIDE SHOULD NOT ALSO REQUIRE POWER TO OPERATE. Ok, ok, you can have one more example of why Star Trek technology sucks: The two reasons consoles explode? Starfleet has no idea what a surge protector is, and those fancy touch screens require so much energy (for some reason) that regular electricity isn't good enough for them. No, they have to have plasma, the super-hot stuff stars are made of, fed into them for them to work. WHAT. THE. HELL.

Next to die would be the Cylons, with the Galactica being boarded by Space Marines. Babylon 5 would also be boarded by Space Marines, after EarthForce and the Imperial Navy got done seeing who had the better model of interceptor named Fury. However, there'd be so many Xenos and Psykers aboard that they'd call in Exterminatus before bugging out.

With their last gasp, the Trekkies would summon their two secret weapons. The Borg Collective and Q. No idea why Q would be so interested in preserving the Federation, but it's a common defense of theirs in the Star Trek v. Star Wars circles. Soon after arriving, Q would find himself being bound by the Forces of Chaos, who would probably attempt to consume him and gain his power. If not them, then the Ordo Malleus or the Grey Knights would bind him to a Daemonhost or something. As for the Borg, they'd be introduced to the Orks. It would be fun to watch.

Back on Earth, all the Hogwarts students would be rounded up and placed on the Black Ships. The duel between Gandalf and Dumbledore would end with the arrival of Mephiston the Lord of Death. The Armies of Middle Earth and the Game of Thrones guys would be stomped by, I don't know, the Empire from Warhammer Fantasy I guess. Conan the Cimmerian would join up with the Dogs of War to go beat up the person at Games Workshop responsible for cutting them from the game and then strong-arm them into giving them another codex.

The fight between the Galactic Empire and the Imperium of Man would take a bit longer I think, but eventually they'd be forced to bring in their biggest gun. That's right, the Death Star. At this point everything left would gang up on it, and considering the weaknesses shown in the movies I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't take very long for the Space Marines and the Imperial Guard to take the fight to people inside it.

I have no idea how this thing would end. Maybe a final shot of the Space Marines, Tyranids and Eldar charging the Space Marines, Zerg and Protoss? The 40k fans standing triumphant over the pulverized rubble of the Convention Center? Reality shifting back to making sense, everyone fictional vanishing, with no sign that anything had happened beyond hallways full of bruised and beaten geeks tied up while guys in fake power armor keep them in line armed with fake bolters?
   
 
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