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Made in se
Ancient Space Wolves Venerable Dreadnought






I... actually don't know. Help?

:Note: I am not an author. I am not good at writing (even though my teachers disagree! Alright, no boasting). This is something I wrote up for fun. The reason I chose Black Templars was because they seemed like the best 'all-round' chapter. Enjoy!

PART 1

The Rhino rocked back and forth as it tried to avoid the incoming Basilisk shells. It's thick Ceramite armour was painted black, as all Black Templar Rhino's surrounding it. The Renegades were firing at them from their elevated position on a hilltop, a palce which used to be the garrison of the Osmodoran 42nd, a respectable Cadian regiment, that fell to Chaos. Just a few days after the garrison fell to the Dark Prince of Chaos, a force of 200 Black Templars were sent there to eliminate the threat. Brother Tezias was one of them.

"Brother-Sergeant Jayus, how far away are the traitors?" Yesejus asked. Jayus took of his white helmet and breathed the fresh air. His Power Armour clinked as he turned around to face Yesejus. It was hard to do, seeing as the Rhino already was packed with 9 other marines.
"Brother Yesejus, we are not far away. I suggest you get ready, check your Bolters, your helmets. We'll be arriving soon." All Marines in the Rhino nodded, took off their helmets and started checking their weapons. Brother Tezias had cleaned his bolter many times before marching to the Rhino. Now was not the time for cleaning, instead he checked his magazines, made sure the lens on his helmet was clear, and looked through the iron sights on his pistol a few timers, just to make sure. Brother Antelius removed the fuel tank from his Flamer and inserted a new one. Brother-Sergeant Jayus made sure that his Combi-Flamer was intact.
The Rhino was dark and damp. All the internal lights had stopped working after the first few Autogun slugs had hit them, and the constant stench of death didn't help.
"1... 2... 3... 4... 5, 6... 7..." A silent mumble could be heard. Brother Tezias did first not hear who it was, as the mumble was as quiet as a Guardsman sneaking. "What are you saying, Brother Theseus?" He asked.
"Autocannon shots. I can hear the gun fire, and the thud of it hitting the ground. 2 of them have hit us so far, but they only glanced. 7 Have missed." Brother Theseus has always had exceptional hearing, even amongst his fellow Marines. to be able to perceive individual Autocannon slugs amongst thousands of Autoguns, Hydra's, Bolters and Lasguns is impossible for even a normal Marine.
The Rhino shook as a Hydra shell hit the ground a few paces away. Several smaller thuds were heard, follow by sounds of bullets richocheting. "34 autogun slugs, 31 richocheted, 2 are stuck in the front armour." Brother Theseus said. "Where the feth did they come from? Tezias, get on the Stormbolter and check it out." Brother Tezias was unable to say no, as he put on his helmet, nudged his way to the hatch and opened it. Sunlight poured in, as he climbed up and grabbed the Stormbolters handles. The first thing he saw through the helmet was the hill, filled with Hydra's, Leman Russes and Renegades. he panicked. There is no way 200 Marines can handle that, not even with the support of a few dozens of Land Raiders filled with Assault Terminators.
The next think he saw were the Cultists. Normal humans living in the Hive CIties of Osmodoro, turned to Chaos, armed with autoweapons. Hundreds, if not thousands of them, just 50 meters away. They would be over them in just a minute, if not a few seconds. He opened fire.
In just a few seconds, at least 20 Cultists were dead. Brother Tezias did not feel the recoil nor hear the Cultists scream. He saw cultists fall over, stand up again and then fall over, dead. The bolts fired tore up holes in their chests, erupting them into a cloud of blood. and gore.

This is what he was made for.



To Valhall! ~2800 points

Tutorials: Wet Palette | Painting Station
 
   
Made in gb
Regular Dakkanaut






Some very cool ideas here. I love the idea of him picking out the different shots by ear.

Best advice I could give (remembering it's free and you get what you pay for!)

1) If possible ask someone else to proof read anything you write. It's amazing how blind a writer of a piece can become to simple things like letters the wrong way round (happens to me a lot when I get caught up in the story and am typing quickly) or missed capital letters. Even when I read my stuff back I miss things like this and a fresh pair of eyes can really help.
2) This one is a bit predictable from a teacher but try to avoid using the word said or over using the same word for said again and again.

Other than that keep writing. I've never dared post my stories on here so well done. Maybe one day the story of The Black Swords, the DA assault squad who wear Ravenwing colours will be told on Dakka....

Never forgive, never remember! 
   
Made in se
Ancient Space Wolves Venerable Dreadnought






I... actually don't know. Help?

The thing is that I don't really like having people I know reading the things I've written...

To Valhall! ~2800 points

Tutorials: Wet Palette | Painting Station
 
   
Made in gb
Regular Dakkanaut






I know you feel but look, you posted it on here where anyone can read it! you have already taken a massive step and are braver than me with your writing

Never forgive, never remember! 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

 Matthew wrote:
The thing is that I don't really like having people I know reading the things I've written...


Well I am no master of grammar, but I am willing to help and provide a few tips if you are intrested
   
Made in se
Ancient Space Wolves Venerable Dreadnought






I... actually don't know. Help?

PART DEUX PART EINS (my language skillz!)

The Rhino stopped on Brother-Sergeant Jayus command. The cultists had, after several concentrated volleys of Stormbolter fire, fled. Now, they faced a new problem. The Autocannon fire had become more and more concentrated. a few had pireced the Rhino's front armour. Brother Gerus was the first one to go. He had turned to Brother-Sergeant Jayus, nodded, before falling into a pile on the floor, dead. The Autocannons had forced Brother Tezias to leave the Stormbolter.
"13... 14... 15... 16, 17, 18... 19... 20, 21, 22, 23..." Brother Theseus was still counting the Autocannon rounds. "7 Have glanced us, 3 penetrating. She won't hold that long." Some Marines shook their heads, as a few smaller thuds were heard. "Bolter rounds, at least 20."
This made Brother-Sergeant Jayus concerned. Cadians don't have Bolters...
"Chaos. Chaos Marines are there." Brother Knuxos shouted.

To Valhall! ~2800 points

Tutorials: Wet Palette | Painting Station
 
   
 
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