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Hey guys, I wrote a story for a space hulk contest and I don't know if I will be selected and I have already submitted the final draft but all the same I want to share it here and get some feedback and constructive criticism. Thanks so much in advance, hope you enjoy.
The format was to be like you are the sergeant and read as him, with the final paragraph being the only exception.
++ Incoming Message ++
Encrypted Message for Deathwing Sergeant Raziel.
- Submit personal code to verify Identity…
************************
Code Accepted.
- Submit DNA Sample for final confirmation…
Identity Confirmed.
++Message from Master Tigrane, Dark Angels 6th Company++
Sergeant Raziel, accept your orders.
You and brother Apollyon will no longer be accompanying the 6th company to aid our brothers and the besieged Imperial forces of Ophilium Prime.
The 6th and accompanying elements of the Ravenwing are to continue on to the warzone with all haste.
All accompanying elements of the Deathwing are to immediately break off from the main battle-group. In addition there have been several developments that impact your squad’s status directly.
Sergeant Jeremiah has been inducted into the Deathwing Knights and has already departed for The Rock. Brother Godwyn has been named company champion by Grand Master Belial and travels with Jeremiah.
The Grand Master has decided that the three remaining members of squad Jeremiah will be combined into your own squad, replacing your losses from the last deployment.
You and your newly formed squad will be transferred onto the vanguard class cruiser Angel of Perdition where you will serve under the command of Interrogator-Chaplain Valefar and his subordinate Epistolary Marchosias.
Valefar has been tasked with intercepting the space hulk designated Wormwood which, only hours ago, translated from the warp into the ++REDACTED++ system. This system holds one of our precious recruiting worlds and it must be preserved for the chapter.
In light of your actions during the last deployment, which cost three of our noble brother’s lives unnecessarily, Grand Master Belial has requested you receive profiles on your new squad members Urfael, Felrion, and Baradiel so you may better use their skills in the coming battles and preserve their lives. In addition you will be provided with profiles on both brother Apollyon and yourself; also at the Grand Master’s request though he gave me no further reasoning.
Raziel, your skill and intuition has marked you as a potential candidate for promotion into the ranks of the Deathwing Knights. Although your strategic ability has won you many honors you have consistently put your squad in grave danger and have failed to tactically advise your brothers which has cost the chapter dearly in lives lost.
I advise you personally now, Raziel. You stand on the brink of either damnation or glory. The acumen you have displayed organizing P.D.F. forces in defense of hive world Deniomacus and the coordination of fellow battle-brothers in the lightning assault of Meraxes III is reminiscent of The Lion himself.
Yet I caution you now that the losses you permit those under your command to take has undermined your standing in the eyes of the Masters of the chapter.
That you have not yet been… repurposed… within the chapter has been due to the graces of Belial, who I tell you now in confidence, sees this as your last chance to prove yourself as a leader who can preserve the lives of his men.
As a former squad brother I leave you with this last advisement, if you find yourself in the belly of that Space Hulk and without companions as they have sold their lives for the mission and the Dark Angels… do not return brother, take as many foes with you as you can and give your life for the chapter and the Lion.
++ End Transmission ++
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later aboard the Angel of Perdition…
++ Encrypted File ++
- What is the inscription upon your Veterans Dagger?
**********
Welcome Brother Sergeant.
++ Squad Raziel Profile ++
Raziel- Battle Brother of the Dark Angels for over two and a half centuries yet has only achieved the rank of sergeant within the last thirty years. Has demonstrated magnificent skill at wider strategy and has shown great initiative redeploying his squad as battle develops. However once in battle he leaves the brothers under his command to their own devices and fails to use those under his command to their greatest potential resulting in the loss of seventeen honored brothers in the last thirty years. The only reason he is believed to have survived his own hap-hazard actions is due to his great skill with his two-handed powersword and stormbolter.
Apollyon- One of the most skilled duelists in the chapter and possibly amongst any of the unforgiven. Clinical and precise with his lightning claws, he can be relied upon to stand against any foe and prevail. He has served under the command of Raziel for thirteen years and thus is the longest surviving veteran to have served under Raziel. He is aloof and seems to be indifferent to losses suffered by his squad over the years.
Urfael- One of the oldest battle brothers of the Dark Angels he has served for nearly five centuries. Considered to be “difficult” by many of his superiors, Urfael has a tenacious manner and is quick to anger liken more to wolves than angels. Noted for his iron will and prosthetic jaw. Much of his body has been replaced by cybernetics after losing most of his original form over many centuries of fierce battle.
Baradiel- Pious and good natured Brother Baradiel stands in stark contrast to Brother Urfael. Even when laying waste to the enemy with his assault cannon, Baradiel can be relied upon to be heard praising his brothers accomplishments while the battle rages on around them. He is famous amongst the members of the Deathwing for his astonishing accuracy with even such an unruly weapon as the assault cannon.
Felrion- Bearer of the squad’s chainfist, young Felrion recently saved Sergeant Jeremiah from a Helbrute. Diving in front of an unconscious Jeremiah, Felrion thrust his chainfist into the gaping maw of that infernal machine and tore it asunder. For all his honors though Felrion is distant from all his brothers and prefers to keep his own company. It is the opinion of the chaplains that his behavior is due to a missing sense of belonging as his condition existed before even being inducted into the Deathwing.
++ Mission Parameters ++
Three squads of Deathwing Terminators have been assigned to Interrogator-Chaplain Valefar’s command; squads Xaphan, Raziel, and Metatron have been chosen personally by Valefar’s right hand Epistolary Marchosias. Long range scans indicate that the Wormwood is infested with both Orks and Genestealers. The space hulk’s shields are active and the Angel of Perdition does not possess the necessary armaments to bring them down. This special task force of three Deathwing squads is to intercept the space hulk Wormwood in the ++REDACTED++ system and disable it before it is close enough to threaten the recruiting world: ++REDACTED++ with the foul xenos infesting its hull.
The mission is to proceed as follows… Squad Xaphan will be tasked with bo - - -
*Hazard lights flash and sirens blare as alerts fill Raziel’s auto-senses…*
++ Incoming Vox-Link ++
Belay that order!
This is Interrogator-Chaplain Valefar. Upon exiting warp travel moments ago our sensors detected that the space hulk’s engines have powered up and it has changed course. Wormwood is now making speed with all haste directly for the very world we have come to save. Marchosias has detected psychic activity originating from the Wormwood just moments before the increase in engine activity and the two events are believed to be related. I am declassifying details of this mission for reasons that will soon become obvious. We have come here not only to protect our feral recruiting world… but also the solitary moon that orbits it. Only those amongst the highest ranks of the inner circle have knowledge of eithers existence. The planet is known as Irony and its moon Regret. Regret is home to ancient technologies contained within a subterranean facility which predates even the Great Crusade. Its secrets have proven valuable beyond measure to the Unforgiven over thousands of years. To further compound our difficulties our sensors have detected unidentified xenos activity on Regret which could threaten its assets.
Given these developments all squads are to be retasked and make ready for deployment. Teleportation and torpedo launch will commence immediately after this transmition terminates; prepare yourself brothers.
Squads Raziel and Xaphan will use boarding torpedoes to enter the space hulk on its upper and middle decks respectively and each squad will work its way to lower sections. As they proceed both squads are tasked with planting melta-bombs and thermo-charges at vital points of Wormwood to lower its shields and weaken its super-structure. Marchosias will act as your eyes and ears aboard the Angel of Perdition and relay information on the hulks weak points. The xenos are combating each other in the stern section of the hulk with the Orks rapidly losing ground. Thus the genestealers will only temporarily be occupied and eventually take notice of your presence and pursue. Neither squad is expected to return, I am sorry brothers.
I will teleport directly to the surface of Regret with squad Metatron and secure the facility for our techmarines. Once secured our Techmarines will route power to the ancient weapon. Once the weapon is powered we will fire on the Wormwood. The success of this mission is dependent on Xaphan and Raziel weakening Wormwood enough so that when we fire, the hulk will be obliterated. There is a consequence of using this weapon however, a backwash of energy will course throughout the facility and eliminate all organic life within. Squad Metatron and I will sacrifice ourselves just as squads Xaphan and Raziel will to destroy this blasphemous monstrosity. With any luck Marchosias will be able to recover our wargear and geneseed for the good of our chapter.
This is our mission brothers, today we finish our long journey to meet death in the cold darkness of space… True honor is not achieved on the frontlines sweeping aside foes with martial prowess but instead it is achieved fighting on and with no hope of remembrance or glory raging at the dark as it comes rushing up to meet you, saving the lives of others who will never know you lived and died for them. We have the blood of the Lion running in our veins and we will do that honored lineage justice this day. Emperor be with you. For the Lion!
++ Vox-Link Terminated++
Suddenly, Raziel felt the explosive jerk of the torpedo thrusters bursting into life. As he sped towards his destiny his thoughts leapt back and forth from contemplations of the Lion, the message from Master Tigrane, the lives of the brothers under his command. Most of all however he felt shame, realizing he could never regain his honor in the minds of the Inner Circle in the forlorn hope of a suicide mission. Perhaps this was his justice, by the will of the Emperor for all the lives lost under his command. Regardless, though the outcome looked bleak, Raziel was not content to swear off the survival of his brothers. He would return in glory or not at all.
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