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Hi all,

This is a very quick draft of the opening chapter of a short story Im working on. Its basic and has no real content as yet but I'd welcome thoughts on the style. Any comments, positive or negative are welcome.

- Scrappy

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ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE -

Dawn, spearing through gaps in huge pillar clouds rising to the east, cast magnificent shafts of light and lit the billowing mass of water vapour in hues of red and orange, mirroring the fires that raged below. The clouds represented the trailing remnant of rain that had helped to settle the fires caused by fighting in the great towers and streets of the smashed metropolis. The capital city of Esent had burned for weeks. Smoke and dust that had choked the air began to clear and the stench of burning abate.

Waking quickly from the light semi-sleep that only a seasoned soldier is capable of, Specialist Levan Crosoft opened his eyes to this spectacular sky. Rolling quietly onto his front, he instinctively assessed his kit with efficient, economic movements. First his weapon, a finely crafted long-las then satisfied that his webbing was secure, pouches remained closed and all was as it should be he leopard-crawled the few metres to his prepared firing position. Staying well back from the open section of hab-wall that offered a commanding view of the intersection below, he scanned the streets and windows of the opposite block. No movement, nothing grabbing his immediate attention. He risked a glance to his right. A soft noise from a few feet away signalled that his spotter, Private Urtanz had performed the same actions and taken up his position. Urtanz looked over and nodded, all clear. Pressing the vox-stud imbedded in his webbing twice he sent two squirts of static signalling to night watch team Bravo that they, Alpha team were on station and had set up.

The sun slid slowly higher, becoming hotter and causing the soaked streets to steam. Haze mingled with the still smouldering fires, causing the clear morning air to mist, gnawing away visibility once more. Distracting glare occasionally flashed from the few remaining windows in the buildings opposite. With the heavy, urban patterned pancho stretched over his position, Crosoft was offered some respite from the heat but as the sun climbed, he was well aware, so would his discomfort. Such was his luck, his job was too important to let such trivia get in the way. Around midday the vox piece in his left ear chirped and the signal he had been awaiting filtered through. Listening to the message, he acknowledged with a curt affirmative and glanced again at Urtanz to confirm he had received the same. The convoy was en-route, they would be here in 90 minutes. Then Alpha and Bravo would hand off the junction to the regular Guard and move onto more pressing recon missions.

Just over 80 minutes later, Crosoft was sweating freely in the heat. The shemag he had wrapped around his head was saturated and the sweat had just begun to trickle down his brow. Prickly heat had broken out on his back and moisture trickled down between his shoulders and pooled in the small of his back. He continued to slowly scan the buildings through his riflescope, both eyes open to avoid straining his sight through the optics. Just then, at the edge of hearing, he picked up the sound of distant petro-chemical engines, the convoy was approaching from the south and should be with them shortly.

For the first time since taking up position in the morning, he shifted slightly to wipe a trickle of sweat before it hit his eyes. Blinking a few times to relieve some strain he settled back behind his weapon. The growling of engines steadily increased with every passing moment and with each passing moment his senses sharpened to a needle point, if the enemy was going to put in an appearance, it would be when the convoy pulled up and the troops were de-bussing. That’s when they would be most vulnerable.

The last few minutes crawled by. Nothing had piqued his attention in the surrounding structures as the convoy rolled up. As the first chimera pulled into view on the street below, on the roof of the building opposite, the first enemy popped up from cover. Out of nowhere, all hell broke loose.

Lining up his shot and slowly squeezing the trigger Crosofts targets' head vaporised.

So begins another day in paradise he thought with a sardonic smile.

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Pretty good starter. Sardonic? Interesting word I thought it was sarcastic.

Yeah, sardonic is basically a poncy way of saying self mocking/cynical.

Good stuff, the way you write is very natural and clear; for a first draft this is excellent.

There are a few minor niggles, but nothing too severe. Overall I enjoyed it

Akragth wrote:
There are a few minor niggles, but nothing too severe. Overall I enjoyed it

Niggles are what I want to hear mate, any criticial thinking can only help make it better. Whats your thoughts?

Im planning out a fairly extensive expansion of the story. The intention is to basically write a "realistic" war story based on real life military experience but obv in a 40k setting. I was in the infantry for a few years and want to get across what it would be like to live in a guardsmans boots. Having to keep your wits about you 24/7, your weapon always near to hand and in good nick, how it feels to sit in a hide for days on end staring for the smallest movement and the kind of esprit de corps the lads have with each other. To that end I want to concentrate more on the sharp end, gritty stuff as opposed to trying to explain a whole campaign. Im waffling a bit here but in brief synopsis -

Crosoft, Urtanz and the two guys from Bravo are members of an elite Guard unit (not sure if I should make them storm troopers, would this work fluff-wise?) specialising in the type of thing that contemporary tier one military units such as the SAS/DEVGRU do in real life.

The contact above plays out and the junction is handed off to the green guard unit who have rolled up. During the hand off the signaler with the convoy relays a message for Crosoft, they are to RTB for a new tasking. Pulling back to a small park they are airlifted back to their HQ where they are given a mission to kill or capture a leading figure in the rebellion.

Anyone have any thoughts? Paradigm, Im interested in any input you might have, I read some of your stuff, its really good.

.

Sure. Do you want my thoughts here, or in a PM?

Hi buddy, PM is probably better, Means we can chat back and forth without cluttering up the thread. I appreciate the help