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Am I in the wrong hobby?

First, let me express how much I love 40k. I LOVE the fluff, the models, the game; almost everything about it. Yes, I am a non-competitive player. I'm trying to branch out to other wargames so that I don't burnout, but I just don't know anyone that can/cares to play. I'd like to think I won't burnout on 40k but anything in excess will eventually wear out its novelty. I realize price is an issue for many newcomers but I consider myself fortunate to maintain this hobby, but I am branching out to games that are more affordable/least time consuming. I just pre-ordered the Terminator board game and I am looking at getting into Judge Dredd miniature game. Painting and sending my little men to die is... I guess you could say that it fulfills me. I've never had this much passion for something in my life.

I get along with most people when I am given the chance, but, I swear, I think I'm an untouchable; several people just seem to be uneasy around me, or just generally seem to dislike me. Now, to address this, one could consider just putting a table up in their home and simply invite friends over to play. However, my problem is I have no 'friends' to speak of. A few acquaintances (all of whom have no interest in 40k or tabletop wargames in general), but that is more or less it; again, I believe my bane is my social anxiety. I had friends that shared my interest but toxic members of the group (of whom were not into the hobby) saw to the end of that friendship. I don't want to think I am in the wrong hobby, but am I really? I love the hobbying side (painting, assembling, sculpting, etc.) but I thoroughly enjoy playing and just rolling some dice. I can't be wrong with what I love, can I? Video games doesn't seem to be an option anymore, it would seem. I loved video games when I was younger but the novelty has withered over the years. Still, I'm not sure if my SA is paralyzing my ability to find a group and enjoy this fantastic hobby or I am just having terrible luck with people.

I live in Alabama and there's not many wargamers here, and the ones that are here (the groups I have been around) seem quite insular; you are either one of the 'regulars' at the shop or you're treated as an outsider. Admittedly, this is probably my social anxiety talking. It's very challenging for me to filter people and the things they say, but bad experiences have taught me to expect the worst.

Sorry for the rant. I was just hoping for some feedback since I'm obviously not getting it from anyone else.

Thanks for hearing me out. Cheers!

Hey Secrets!

If you have "friends" that are so toxic that they end your relationships with other people, those are not friends. Granted, I understand the pain of feeling alone very well - I think I was in the same situation in most of my high school years. It does get better, and 40k really was a way to help me get through life. It pushed me to first start interacting with others. That said, it's NOT a cure - I didn't really start to develop into the person I wanted to be until I was 21 (and no, that's not from alcohol - drinking age in Canada is 19). The cure for me was realizing that I wasn't going to play the "game" anymore of trying to bow to other peoples wishes and preconceptions of what I should be. Once I was free like that, I just acted the way I wanted to and decided everyone that didn't like it could just the off. It was that courage that made me a better person, and helped me first start interacting with girls in a way that didn't seem to turn them off.

Social anxiety comes from feeling like any action you're going to take is the "wrong" one - but who determines what's wrong and what's right? Everyone else in the world is in the same boat - they face others and don't know how they'll react. However, others don't fear the repercussions of acting "wrong", because there is no "wrong" - there's just them.

If you love 40k, then love it with all your heart, unabashedly, and without fear or remorse. You're awesome, even if you're the only one that needs to see that, or even if you're the only one that can see that.

Find a local game store, get out there, and just play some games. You'll slowly develop some social skills with a new group of people. Elsewhere, start going up to people and just try saying things that you wouldn't normally say or do - just to experiment and see what happens. So long as you're not insulting and bullying people, then you won't hurt them. If they call you stupid or weird or whatever for doing that, then that's just the outcome of the experiment, and does not reflect on you.

And if you need anything else, come over here and chat with us, or even just shoot me a PM and I'll do my best to help you through dark and down times.

Cheers mate, and good luck kicking Imperial/Xenos/Chaos butts!

 Secrets of the Machine wrote:


I live in Alabama and there's not many wargamers here, and the ones that are here (the groups I have been around) seem quite insular; you are either one of the 'regulars' at the shop or you're treated as an outsider. Admittedly, this is probably my social anxiety talking. It's very challenging for me to filter people and the things they say, but bad experiences have taught me to expect the worst.

Everyone was an 'outsider' at one point. If you just keep going to the game store regularly, you will become a 'regular'. I have 2 stores I go to and just started showing up and now know most peoples names, can get games when I want etc...You just have to commit to it.

Hey hey friend, just wanted to drop in and let you know you aren't alone with having this issue. I'm a New Yorker (which is a shame because otherwise I'd be happy to play some games with you) dealing with some pretty severe social anxiety my self. I'm blessed with a small group of friends that love 40k and so far it's the only way I've found that I'm comfortable with. But don't dispare or get discouraged, because if you give up and stop looking you'll never find that "golden group" so to say.

Until you do find that group, focus on that parts of the hobby you can do on your own (painting, reading, ect.) it'll vastly improve your skills relating to the hobby and keep you occupied for the time being. And lastly, if you think some one at the shop is being unfriendly, reassess, maybe you're just misinterpreting ignorant actions and words, and ignorance can be forgivable. Kindly inform them of your condition (if you're comfortable doing so) and most will apologize and be more considerate in the future. As for actually rude people? 'em, they aren't worth your time and can enjoy being a tool with someone else.

Keep your chin up friend, just keep looking, your golden formula is out there some where, it's just a matter of resilience and persistence, and let me know if you're ever in my neck of the woods because I'll give you one heck of a game.

SotM, I definitely understand where you are coming from.

I've been playing GW games for a long time, but I also move around a lot, too. Each time I move, I feel I am back to 'square one' with having no physical-local friends, and finding a new group of folks to game with can be daunting.

To make it even more of a challenge, I've always battled a 'shyness' problem since I was in grade-school. Some would call it 'social anxiety', and I suppose that could be true.

Your first step I think you've already taken, whether you realize it or not: you've posted here, openly, about the issue which haunts you. That's a good first step, being able to admit it openly. You're not in denial, and if you're not in denial, it's something you're aware of completely, and are willing to work on it.

Your next step I think really is to get your foot in the door. Yes, many stores/players/groups can be 'insular'. Many gaming groups are 'cliques', but not all of them are. Some might not want to give you the time of day for whatever reason, but chances there are folks out there who would not only be happy to help, but also to expand the player-base of the game you (and they) love. The key, of course, is finding such people.

Finding forums/websites that cover gaming with 'locators' or 'player listings' would be worth a search. Even here on Dakka - if you haven't posted a 'seeking' post yet, be sure to do so. It doesn't guarantee anything, but it's free, only takes a few minutes, and can't hurt. Also be on the lookout for forums/blogs/websites dedicated to miniatures-gaming in your area. Maybe there are RPG sites or 'generic' gaming sites - and those are worth a shot, as well. Many people (myself included) find it far easier to 'meet' folks online first, establish a link, and then meet up for play. But of course another option is...

Head to your local game store (or all of them, if you're lucky to have more than one). Talk to the person running it. Be blunt with them: I love this game, I collect it, and I want to find players but I'm a little nervous about it. There's no shame in that, and if the guy or gal running the shop knows what they're doing, they will likely have some folks in mind that can help you. Chances are they know many of their regulars by name AND will know their personalities. Chances are they can hook you up some one or two or more players that can definitely offer you a gentler introduction to the local scene. If the store clerk just shrugs - well, we can't guarantee every store owner will try to help you, but I'd be shocked if they didn't.

You can also see if they have a gamer 'directory' for the store - a book with names/email/games played, etc. Some have bulletin boards where you can pin up an index card with info and your phone/email. For some, this is also a 'gentler' way to meet others - via phone/email first, to get a feel for a person, then consider an in-person meeting.

The main thing is to get your foot in the door, and once you do that - just be yourself. You sound like a reasonable person. Don't cheese-out lists during your first games. Don't argue. Don't debate over an eighth of an inch when measuring. Just play and have fun, and the rest will just come naturally.

It's one thing to be socially awkward and avoid people. But it's another to be socially awkward and -want- to interact with people. It can feel like two parts of you are 'butting heads'. But it doesn't have to be that way all the time. In the end, though, it will likely require that you put one foot in front of the other, and make the attempt to reach out. It's hard for others to do the same to you when they don't know you are there.

Even the regulars were new once. Just keep going to the shop and try to bond with people. Start with asking about them. How are they today? Why they chose the paint schemes they chose, tips on getting better etc. etc. Learn the names of the owners it's a small thing but it helps.

I can sympathize and relate to your problems, as when I was younger, I was quite shy, and had what I suppose most people would consider "social anxiety". Even to this day, I loathe being in a situation where I only know one or two people of a large group, or being forced into small talk, as I really just am not good at it. For me, a combination of my job (I teach swimming lessons, so it forces you to deal with all sorts of people of all ages), and a realization that for the most part, people are generally self-absorbed enough that they're too busy worrying about what they're doing and how they look to pay any mind when you do or say something dumb.

Another thing to consider, is that your problem is one that is quite common in our hobby, and prevalent in most game stores. Typically, people drawn to this hobby tend to be socially awkward, and a little strange (myself included). I mean, you have to be a little weird to spend as much time and money as we do on little toy soldiers! As such, I think that most people will be sympathetic to your anxiety, and will maybe have some of their own. This is probably one of the reasons most gaming groups seem insular or clique-y. They're made up of people who have banded together to form a little comfort zone, and it can be unnerving to let a new person in. As others have said though, if you make yourself a common sight at your local store, and just slowly join in on the banter and conversation, eventually people will probably treat you like one of their own. just keep plugging away at it.

Thanks for the feedback and warm reception, guys!

I am heading to a shop today to see what the scene is like and I am hoping to receive some kind of warm welcome.

I will say I've become much better a socializing over the year after finally coming out of my shell. My social skills certainly haven't become nascent but atleast it's some kind of progress.

Again, thanks for the advice. You people are the reason I love this forum.

Stay gold!