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Hi everyone. I'm submitting a 2,000 word short story with the brief "Ultramarines fighting Orks" and I need proof readers. The story is to the same ten criteria as all the other submissions for the freelance authorship (I've added these below).

The story is in its first draft (let's be cool and call it an alpha) and I've currently got 900 words.

Please reply here or PM me if you want to proof read it. As usual, I'll post the entire story here once the GW has responded to it. I would need you to provide feedback ASAP, so please only contact me if you're going to read and respond to the story. ANY criticism, no matter how picky (in fact the pickier the better), is welcome.

The story is called Fearful Radiance.

Thanks in advance

1. Make it epic
Warhammer is epic, mythic, poetic – always. Amp up the heroism and tragedy.
Remember that you’re telling epic tales about epic battles, with the miniatures
always at the heart of it – bring them to life in the coolest possible ways, but
remember to ground everything within the reality and internal logic of the universe.

2. Battles
Conflict should always be the focus – this doesn’t always need to be a fight; it
includes character conflicts and internal conflict, as long as they revolve around and
feed into warfare and battle, which should always be at the core.

3. Grab attention
The writing should be engaging from the first sentence – lead with something that
demands attention and makes the reader want to continue reading, something
awesome and impressive – you can contextualise and extrapolate later.

4. Plotting and Pacing
Maintain a good pace – something needs to happen in every scene to move the plot
forward and/or develop characters. Set things up and pay them off in the right way at
the right time. Focus on complications and consequences, not surprise reveals out of
left-field or random twists of fate. Adhere to an internal logic that fits the story.

5. Characters
Your characters should feel like living and breathing people with their own values,
beliefs and drivers. They should be flawed, but awesome. Always consider why
they do what do they do, in the way that do it, and make the reader care about
them. Avoid passive characters and ‘Mary Sues’ who can do everything better than
everyone else. Ensure that your characters are all rooted within the Warhammer
universe and are appropriate to their faction and place in it.

6. Write about the miniatures...
Everything should be seen through the eyes of the characters, all of whom should
be easily identifiable as models. Be careful to stay within their frame of reference –
if your viewpoint character doesn’t know something, they can’t say or think it! Never
lapse into ‘word of god’ prose.

7. ...and the world they inhabit
Use the characters as the fulcrum for building a believable world. Give the
information that’s relevant and always strive for verisimilitude. The iconography and heraldry of the miniatures is vital as well, and should be celebrated in text as much
as in artwork and photographs. Describe what the characters see and feel of the
forces they fight with and against, in all their majesty and/or horror.

8. Be Original
Don’t write clichés, tropes and hyperbole – be original within the framework of the
Warhammer universe. The writing shouldn’t be derivative of what has come before,
but should always be quintessentially Warhammer – if it could happen in the same
way in another fictional universe, it’s probably not a Warhammer story. Don’t make
up new things in the universe – play with the toys that exist.

9. Leave the Door Open
Hint at a wider universe. Don’t be afraid to leave dangling threads and open doors to
explore later – as long as it’s within the context of a tightly plotted story that wraps up
all the essential elements of the tale.

10. Make it Fantastical
The writing and the stories should never be prosaic, pedestrian or boring. Avoid
history lessons or ‘infodumps’ of exposition and background information – make it
exciting, vivid and evocative and get the essential information across through the
lens of the characters. And always, always show, don’t tell.

I'll do it for you dude

Hi mate, THANK YOU, will PM it now.

Sure, I'll help if you still need it.

Thanks BC. I'll PM this to you tomorrow when I'm at home. I really appreciate the offer, and thank you to Seanron for providing extensive feedback.

No worries. I volunteered because I know very little about those two armies, so can provide a perspective of complete ignorance.
I mean... I can tell you if you're making an assumption of the reader's existing knowledge or not.

Hi mate,

I haven't had time to PM the story yet. I'll send you the same sample Seanron read, as I haven't touched it in light of my rejection for the freelance writer role.

I'm currently evaluating whether or not to persist with the GW (this is about the sixth time they've rejected me), or to strike out into the world of original fiction which offers more possibilities.