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The following is my unofficial version of a written ork mythology, I honestly don’t know if this is already a thing, I don’t think it is though. My unofficial ork mythology does contain intentional errors in the origin of the universe of 40k, as much of the actual truth would have been lost over the generations. and naturally being an ork story it is a bit wacky, so just take it a face value and enjoy.

Da Book of Gork and Mork.

In da beginning der wuz da Brain boyz. It wuz dem boyz dat created all da stars and all da planets. But da brain boyz got bored and began creating all da living fings in da galaxy, first dey made dem knife ear gitz da Eldar, and den dey made dem metal ladz da Necrons. Da necrons despised da brain boyz jealous of all der power. So da Necrons summoned der gods, and der gods answered. When da necron’s gods showed up dey began da biggest war dat dere ever was. Da metal ladz were stomping da Eldar pansies and Da brain boyz left and right. Da Brain boyz were on da verge of extinction when dey camed up wif an idea. Dey needed someone to stomp da Necrons back into der holes, Dey needed da perfect machine made fer fighten and winnen, Dey needed da orks.

When da first orks rose from nothing da Necrons had no idea what hit dem. Hordes of mighty green warriors who only new fighting, da gitz never stood a chance. But still even with our mighty help da catan were still walking all over da brain boyz, what could stomp a god, bigger bader orks of course. Da brain boyz granted us wif a gift da gift to become bigger and tougher. Da orks got bigger and tougher da more dey fought until boyz got even bigger den da catan gods demselves. Deez boyz began stomping da pathetic Necron gods until dey were all gone or hiden in der little holes. Da greatest war dere ever wuz was over and da only winner was us da orks.

Da Big War was over and da brain boyz wanted to get rid of us sayin dat our job wuz done. What dey didn’t know iz dat our job iz nowhere near done. Da last of da old ones began killing all da biggest orks dat killed da Catan, for a moment it looked like da orks were doomed. But den when da night seemed darkest two orks arose like a great green sun. Dey were brothers, veterans of da big war, dey had slain countless of da catan, and dey were destined to lead us into our future, dey are our gods Gork and Mork. Gork was and is da biggest ork dat will ever live, His feet could stomp entire worlds, his shield was a da moon of Uruk, da horns of his helmet were greater den da biggest mountain ranges, and his sword was da heat of da brightest star in the universe. His brother Mork while not as big was still a titan of an ork, Mork’s weapon wuz his gob, he spoke and it wuz. He spoke Stompa and da first Stompas started shootin, He spoke Kruza and we began sailing da stars. Together dey led us to stompin da brain boyz. Gork and Mork were bumbling da gits left and right when dey were about to stomp da last of em da gitz got to der knees and begged “Oh please don’t kill us” Da twin gods had a laugh when Mork had an idea. Da kunning god looked to da quivering old ones and said “Snotlings” da all powerful brain boyz shrunk and became da pitiful gitz we call snotlings.

Da brothers grew bored, dey had killed all da best stuff in da galaxy what was dere left to do. So da two brothers challenged each other to see who could make da killyest fings. First dey challenged each other to see who could make da best orks. Gork created Da Goffs da toughest orks who wore all black and aspired to be as strong as Gork. To counter this Mork made da Blood axes da camouflaged commandos who were blessed with Mork’s kunnin and could out fink da Goffs. Gork den made da Snake Bites orks who knew how to be orky and fight using da old ways. Mork made da Evil Suns orks who moved so fast on bikes and other wheelas dat da Snake Bites couldn’t keep up. Gork than created the Bad Moons orks with da best dakka and kits knowing that his brother couldn’t best that, Mork knowing he couldn’t match his brother’s creation created da Deff Skulls boyz who can just take da Bad Moons gear.

Gork was fed up of losing to his brother struck his brother sending him across the galaxy. Mork cursed as he went flying through da galaxy and when he landed he landed so hard dat he broke reality as we knew it. At first it when mork saw it, it was nothing more den a tiny blue flame so tiny he almost didn’t notice it. Mork knew at dat instant dat dis was da key to beatin his brother. He saw da flame was weird really weird in da it held incomprehensible powah. Mork knew fer his plan to work he would have to make da flame bigga. So Mork pulled down his trousers and fanned da flame wif a powerful wind. Dis was one of da biggest warp storms ever, so big dat dis iz how da warp was created. Mork grinned at his creation and learned all da secrets of dis new realm.

Mork returned to his brother, ready to face him again. Gork spat “Ya git you ready to get walloped again”. Mork said “bring it ya git” Gork charged at his brother but from Mork’s gob came a mighty “WAAAGH!”. Gork was blown back and every ork in alive heard da beautiful bellow. It was at dis time da first WAAAGHs emerged. Gork amused at finally having a worthy opponent laughed “Ere we GO!” Gork tackled his brother into da warp, dis spot is where da eye of terror iz today.

Da two are still in da warp to dis very day fightin and laughin. And dere de will remain until we orks reach our goal, consuming da entire galaxy in war, when all da orks unite under one glorious WAAGH, only den will dey join us in da stomping and den once and fer all they’ll settle who’s betta.

Gave me a good chuckle. But by God I wish we had the option to checkbox disable the glossary feature on Dakka. That story is lit up like a Christmas tree.

Well done, you even managed to pull a fart joke out of it, to help create the warp nonetheless. If any Eldar or Imperium scholar heard this they'd probably have a seizure for how wrong it is, but I definitely had a good time reading this.

Beautifully Orky. Nuff said.

 Buttery Commissar wrote:
Gave me a good chuckle. But by God I wish we had the option to checkbox disable the glossary feature on Dakka. That story is lit up like a Christmas tree.

lol yeah who is bringing up dark angels so much they need to abbreviate it every time

Beautiful, just beautiful

Really enjoyed this. especially the run on how the various clans came to be. Did you come up with that ordering yourself? It's some great appologetics for existing ork culture and some pretty slick story telling to boot.

I'd love to adapt some 'just so' storys into the ork mythos. How did the tyranids get their claws and that sort of thing. How did the red space marine get his unquenchable blood-lust? That'd be an iteresting ork perspective on a not so top secret topic.

I'd also like the see some textual history/frame narative on this piece. We have plenty of scope.
BigRippa recants the real orkyest of tales to the homesick Gutrippas around a campfire in some Gorkforsaken backwater chaos world.
An unfortunate Ordo Xenos novice gets called into the presence of the grand master over a translation he scribed of some amcient bah-relief ork glyphs found in a huge Snakebite temple.
A grot who learned to read and write from a desperate commissar sits down to pen the oral traditions of the orks for any curious humans who may wish to better themselves with a some more stimulating and edifying ork litterature.

The fact that this story exists is great. but now I want to know HOW it exists, in what forms and to what effect?

Oops, double post.

Gorksagoodun-Gork'llget'em Morka'mighty-Morksamazin'

 theCrowe wrote:
Really enjoyed this. especially the run on how the various clans came to be. Did you come up with that ordering yourself? It's some great appologetics for existing ork culture and some pretty slick story telling to boot.

I'd love to adapt some 'just so' storys into the ork mythos. How did the tyranids get their claws and that sort of thing. How did the red space marine get his unquenchable blood-lust? That'd be an iteresting ork perspective on a not so top secret topic.

I'd also like the see some textual history/frame narative on this piece. We have plenty of scope.
BigRippa recants the real orkyest of tales to the homesick Gutrippas around a campfire in some Gorkforsaken backwater chaos world.
An unfortunate Ordo Xenos novice gets called into the presence of the grand master over a translation he scribed of some amcient bah-relief ork glyphs found in a huge Snakebite temple.
A grot who learned to read and write from a desperate commissar sits down to pen the oral traditions of the orks for any curious humans who may wish to better themselves with a some more stimulating and edifying ork litterature.

The fact that this story exists is great. but now I want to know HOW it exists, in what forms and to what effect?

I like all those words. but yes I would like to continue writing random ork mythology and would encourage everyone who has a funny orky story like this to contribute to the over the top answers to the questions that enter orks mind. How did the chaos gods come to be, What caused the Horus Hersey, Where do space marines come from are they just omies dat fought really hard and got bigga probably. but I digress bring me your stories your war boss commands it. Gork be with you.

Da battle had raged fer a thousand years but finally da Orks woz da winners, ov course. Da orks left da planet and went sumwhere else ta fight as dat's wot orks do but da mess dey left ov dead orks and dead ova guys.

"Who woz da ova guys?"

"I dunno,"

"Woz it da tau? Were dey fightin' da Tau like we is?"

"Yeah, sure. It dun't matter! Anyway, der woz bodies everywhere and dat attracted da Phoenix-Vulture. An' da Phoenix-Vulture was a trixy bird ta hunt. But not too trixy fer Gork an' Mork."

"Yeah! Waaagh, Gork an' Mork!"

"Alright, settle down."

"Now, Gork an' Mork woz super sneaky hunterz and dey had a plan to trick da Phoenix-Vulture. Gork an' Mork had a propa scrap till dey looked all beat up an' woz bleedin' an' all and den one ov 'em lay down like he woz dead an'..."

"But ya can't kill Gork an' Mork! Who wozzit? Wozzit Gork? Ya can't kill Gork!"

"Shuddup ya big-gob stupid Yoof! I said he's just pretendin'! Anyway, Gork woz pretendin' ta be dead an' Mork was hidin' in a big tree. Dey woz waitin' fer da Phoenix-Vulture ta come an' have a taste of Gork's big green..."

"Are you sure it woz Gork? I mean, it sounds to me more like a Morkish fing to do."

"I'm gonna do plenty ov Morkish fings ta you in a minute if you don't shut yer trap! Anyway, Mork's layin' der all beat up an' Gork's ready ta pounce when da Phoenix-Vulture swoops down an' scratched Mork wif its sharp claws.

Mork knows its a canny ol' bird an' he doesn't move a muscle. Da Phoenix-Vulture tried again, just testin' ta see if Mork is really dead. Mork took another gouge in hiz belly but he woz 'arder dan nails an' didn't even flinch. He kept still as a corpse.

"He's not dead! Ya can't kill Mork!"

"I can kill you if ya can't shut yer big gob! Now, Da Phoenix-Vulture believed da trick and landed nearby. He hopped and bobbed hiz way toward Gork an' Mork and right when dey woz about ta spring up an' grab 'im a hunterz spear comes flyin' outa nowhere an' scares him off."

"What!"

"Yeah, Gork an' Mork woz furious! Dey spotted da fella wot dunnit and Mork went after 'im but Gork stayed as still as a dead fing an' didn't spoil da trap."

"But you said dat Mork woz... Ouch! Mmmph. Ahr, oof!"

"As I woz sayin'... Da Phoenix-Vulture thought the hunterz was gone an' he swooped down again ta feed on Gork but dis time, as he bent down and opened his beak Gork grabbed him and twisted his neck. He woz tougher dan he looked but no match fer Gork an' after a right propa clobberin' da Phoenix-Vulture woz dead.

"Mork returned an' told how da sneaky Hunta had given him da slip but he saw da Phoenix-Vuture der and had an idear. Dey dug a deep hole and covered it ova. Mork put on da Phoenix-Vukture's wings an beak an' head feathers an' pretended to eat Gork. When da Hunta returned he saw dem there he threw his spear at Mork. Mork felt it strike his back but he woz tough as old bootz an' it just bounced off. Den da Hunta threw a giant rock, but dat only bumped off of Mork's thick godly skull. Last fing da Hunta threw woz a fire ball dat his friend da Tau God had gived him, an' dat did hurt, but not too bad.

Mork fell over wif a smile on iz face unda da beak he woz warin' and pretended dat da Hunta had gottim. Da hunter came runnin' in fast but he stepped on da hole an' fell right in!

"Mork an' Gork laughed at da stupid Hunta in da hole. It screamed an' yelled at dem but dey just laughed even more. Dey plucked da Phoenix-Vulture's carcass and threw da feathers down da hole like darts. Dey stuck in da Hunta's head an' made him yelp.

Gork an' Mork made a fire an' roasted da Phoenix-Vulture flesh on it. Da smell made da Hunta crazy. He woz starvin' an' Gork an' Mork feasted and enjoyed hiz misery. Da Phoenix-Vulture flesh healed der wounds an' made dem even bigga an' stronger, but da Hunta in da hole just got weaker and skinnier as he starved.

"Soon der woz no more meat left an' all da marrow had been sucked out ov da last bone. Da Hunta in da hole jus' moaned down der an' Gork an' Mork woz done wif der feast. Dey laughed an' offered da Hunta der scraps. Dey threw da Phoenix-Vultures bony ol' beak down fer him, an' its dry old claws. Den dey left him fer dead an' went ta have anuva fight somewheres else.

"But da Hunta in da hole didn't die. He used da claws ta climb outa da hole. He woz thin an' hungry. He used da Phoenix-Vulture's beak to eat da flesh ov da dead an got a taste fer it. But Gork an' Mork woz nowhere to be found. Da Bird-man Hunta neva forgot Gork an' Mork an' to dis day his people da Kroot hates da orks foreva! Dey is still skinny an' hungry fer dead flesh, an' dey fights wif claws an' beaks an' has feathery headz.

"Gork an' Mork woz dead cunnin' to leave dat Hunta alive cause now we orks can have loadz ov fun fightin' dem Kroot wherever we find dem."

Kroot and orks? That was brilliant, Crowe. Absolutely brilliant.

I had forgotten all about da Book of Gork and Mork, great story Crowe, when I get a chance I want to write another of these about the rise of the Imperium and the horus heresy

It's a bit rough and ready but here's another one.

"Let uz tell ya da tale ov when Gork an' Mork took on da Mutha-Nid."

"Da Mutha-Nid?"

"Yeah, da Nids woz all one big giant Mutha-Nid back den. Wiff one mouth so big as could open up wide nuff ta gobble up a whole planet.

One time when da bestest, stompiest, an' orkiest Godz ov dem all woz havin' a right booze up she showed up an crashes da party."

"I hope der woz fungus beer!"
"An' plenty ov meat!"
"An' fighting! It's not a propa party unless der's plenty o' fighting! I loves a good scrap at a party!"

"Oh yes! Der woz plenty ov all ov dat good stuff. It woz Gork an' Mork's party. Dey woz celebrating pounding da snot out ov dem blue mahreens. Da ones wif da red hands."

"I hates grim-sin-fistz!"

"Yeah. P-th-ugh!"

"Well, az I woz sayin' Gork an' Mork woz avin' a good time and dey woz scrappin' wif eachova as usual an' all da orks woz cheerin' an' yellin' when Mork getz up wiff Gork in an 'ead-lock an' sez, "I'm thirsty. Givuz a Fungus-Beer!" Gork lifted Mork up on 'is shoulders and slammed 'im down inta da dirt an' said "Yeah, an' I'm Hungry! I want Grox-Flesh!"

"Mmmm, Grox-Flesh..."

"But der woz a problem."

"Huh?"

"Da orks went ta get a god-load ov Fungus-Beer fer Mork, but it woz all gone!"

"Blackrog drunk it. I seen 'im."

"Shuddup, Squeeza!"

"It weren't no ork. Oh no! An' anuva fing 'appened."

"Wot?"

"When da orks went ta get a god-load ov Grox-Flesh fer Gork dat woz all gone too!"

"Wot? Yer can't 'ave a party wif no Fungus-Beer an' no Grox-Flesh!"

"Dat's just wot Gork an' Mork said and dey woz dead angry but dey had a plan.

"Mork went all da way out to da Fungusphere, da planet where all da best fungus grew fer makin' Fungus-Beer but da Fungusphere woz gone! Gork went wif his spear ta hunt da great Star-Grox but when he gots inta da night sky der woz no stars der, jus' a big blank nuffink where da Star-Grox had been.

"Den dey found her, da Mutha-Nid. She was massive an' fat as she'd just eaten da whole Star-Grox an' drunk a planet-full ov Fungus-Beer. She woz so hung-ova she could hardly move.

Well Gork an' Mork were mad! Dey each grabbed up a sickle moon an' CHOP! CHOP!"

"Hey watch where yer swingin' dat fing!"

"Dat big fat Mutha-Nid, dey split her right in half! But Gork an' Mork woz in fer a shock. Now der woz two mutha-nids, an' dey was real mad.

"But Gork laughed, "Now we has one each ta fight!" He said, an' Mork laughed too. And da fight was fierce as dem Nidz all has claws and teef ta spare, but dey woz no match fer Gork an' Mork.

"Gork swung his sickle-moon choppa down hard on a mutha-nid's tail an' chopped it right off. It became a huge Serpent-Nid all long an' slip'ry an' slimy. Mork hacked at da tail wiff his own moon-blade again an' again an' it became ev'ry Trigon, Rav'ner an' Rippa in da galaxy.

"Mork took his cosmic-choppa to da Mutha-Nid's wings. Dey tore like a squig-skin an' a million-billion gargoyles poured out inta da sky.

"Gork took a swing at one Mutha-Nid's head and in one mighty slice He took it clean off. But it grew its own little tail and claws dat hung beneath its throbbin' brain.
Mork smooched da brain beneath His bootz but it just turned inta more little Nerd-Nidz dat floated away on da wind.

"Mork sliced at armoured shell, da chips became da hive-guard. Gork chopped open a mutha-nid's belly an' a brood ov Tervigons woz born. Mork smooshed an' squished an every splatter became a termie-brood.

"Mork swung his Luna-axe an' chopped da Mutha-Nid's shadow off! Gork tore da shadow inta itty bitty scraps an' each one slipped away inta da cracks of da universe to become a Licta or a Steala.

"Soon da Mutha-Nids woz chopped an' chopped so much dat der woz Nidz ov all shapes an' sizes all ova da universe an' der were plenty ta go around. Der woz one Nid fer ev'ry Ork, Grot an' Snot, an' if ya killed dat one der woz always two more!

"Even though da Mutha-Nid woz in a bazillion tiny bitz dey could still tell she woz still alive an' fightin' an' no matter wot dey did she didn't seem ta flinch. Dey reckoned it must be 'cause she's as strong as da Star-Grox an' so drunk on Fungus-Beer dat she can't feel a fing.

"Soon Gork an' Mork an' all da orks had forgot all about da Fungus-Beer an' da Grox-Flesh cause dey woz havin' so much fun fightin'.

"Gork an' Mork laughed as dey all chopped an' smashed an' bashed at da Nidz an' everyone agreed it was da best party dey had eva' had."