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Made in jp
Anti-piracy Officer

Somewhere in southern England.

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency::
The Case of the Head Patting Cafe

The day after he bumped off Saki-bot, Yancy woke up with a clear conscience, a bad head, and a mangled hand.

Although his conscience was clear regarding the sudden deletion of Saki, he wasn’t sure Kou would take the same view. He decided to make himself scarce for a while and let troubled waters calm themselves in his absence.

The phone network was working again. Yancy messaged the Major and asked for her help. She gave him an access code to her shuttle, which was still berthed on the rooftop helipad.

Yancy helped himself to an advanced futuristic healing pack for his hand. “The Major is a fine woman,” he thought. "A useful contact, a good fighter, a supportive comrade, and easy on the eye."

He went back down to the Palace. The Princess and Moon were up and starting to make breakfast.

“What happened to you last night, Yancy?”

“It’s best you don’t know about that, Princess.”

“Goddess, Yancy, what happened to your hand?”

“Got it caught in a door. The Major’s given me a healing pack, so I’ll be okay soon enough.

“It looks like pretty savage bite marks.”

“Look closely, Moon. It’s not bite marks, it’s door marks, isn’t it?” Yancy winked at her.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll help you put the healing pack on.”

The healing pack was basically like a moderately thick glove. You could still use your hand, but not for fine work like typing. Yancy didn’t want to type anything. He wanted to pack and get away for a while.

“Chippy, Moon, I’m sorry about the short notice but I need to get out of the server for a few days. Hikaru is unhappy. It’s my fault. I need to spend some quality time with her.”

“Of course, Waifu. Take as long as you need.”

“Moon, let’s take a break from the detecting for a while. You need to rest too.”

Moon agreed. She enjoyed staying in the Palace with Onecornchippy. Lots of girl talk.

Yancy packed a light spinner case with baseline Yancy gear and headed for the edge of the server. Thanks to his eagerness to see Hikaru again he was able to get out quickly.

The healing pack did its work like magic. By the time he got back to Tokyo there were no traces of the wounds.

Time moved at its usual pace in the server, controlled by the steady clock chips. The debris of the zombie apocalypse was cleared away. A large number of members were treated for bite wounds and post-traumatic stress disorder.

There was a surprising discovery at the Casino, but Kou hushed it up, and arranged for refurbishment. Within a few days things were back to normal.

The Major and Gonzalez, looking tired but relaxed, made their farewells to Onecornchippy and Moon Potato. They took off to rendezvous with The Heart of Choko.

Building management were glad to get their helipad back.

Yancy concentrated on making things better with Hikaru. She was delighted with the attention, and their romance began to move to a new level.

When Yancy judged the time right he returned to the server, arriving at the Palace in the early morning. The Princess was still asleep. Moon’s stuff was gone, so she had gone back to her 1LDK.

He found that the Princess had claimed for herself a second Waifu, who wasn’t yet in residence. He hoped they would get along alright.

The Princess was delighted to see him. They hugged in their Platonic way. Yancy made an extra special breakfast for her.

“How is Hikaru?”

“Much happier now, Chippy. I still need to finish the story with her. It will take time. It’s a big story. I’m back for a while, though.”

“Moon was asking about you.”

“I’ll call her this morning. And Victor.”

Yancy’s relationship with his Waifu Victor was rather on and off. He still wasn’t sure where it was going. He could see Victor was playing enigmatic. He didn’t mind. Yancy liked a bit of mystery in his life, or he wouldn’t have started the detective agency.

“Time to get back in the harness,” he thought.

Yancy went and put on a suit and tie. There was a dirty trench coat, and a snap-brim hat with a bullet hole in it, in his wardrobe. He decided to throw it away and replace it. The coat went to the dry cleaners.

“There’s such a thing as too macho.”

Moon and Yancy met for coffee at the edge of The Deep and had a good chat about the last few days. They talked about the apocalypse, and Moon filled him in on the recovery efforts.

“It’s more or less all back to normal now, Yancy.”

“Good. Have you had a proper rest, Moon?”

“Yes. Parts of it were tiring but relaxing, if you know what I mean.”

Yancy did. He wanted to be similarly tired but relaxed. He didn’t know when that was likely to happen, so he kept his eyes roving.

“Anyway, I‘m ready to start detecting again,” said Moon.

They walked down to their office. They gazed proudly at the gold lettering on the glass panel of the door. “The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency.”

Once inside they both quickly assumed their detective aspects. Moon put an open pack of smokes on her desk. She never lit them but they looked the part. She sighed as she sat in her leather back chair. She got her nickel plated Beretta out to clean it.

Yancy found a new snap brim hat on the hatrack and tried it on. He unlocked his desk drawer and pulled out a dull blue Colt M1911A1 auto pistol.

A big piece of steel it was, shooting 0.45 inch calibre bullets which looked as big as his thumb. He looked at the wide muzzle and imagined how intimidating it would be to someone he pointed it at. There was a shoulder holster too.

“New gat, Yancy? Nice.”

“I lost the old one. I thought I should upgrade.”

He disassembled and cleaned the rod. He loaded the two magazines that came with it. Seven fat cartridges in each.

The gun went back together smoothly and he slid a magazine into the butt. He didn’t cock it though. Yancy carried a piece because he had to, but he was hot on safety.

“Gotta be careful with this baby,” he thought. “You don’t wound people with a 0.45. You either miss, or you blow big bits off of them. I don’t want no accidental discharges round here.”

The phone rang. Moon picked up.

“It’s Kou,” she said. Yancy heard her side of the conversation. Clearly Kou was thanking Moon for her efforts in nixing the Zombot Apocalypse.

Quite right too. Moon had been a real trooper. He would have been dead without Moon.

“She wants to talk to you now, Yancy.”

The conversation he had not been looking forwards to.

“Time to face the music.” He took the receiver and sat on the edge of Moon’s desk.

“Do you want me to clear out, Yancy?”

“No. You need to know about this eventually. It may as well be now.”

To Yancy’s surprise, Kou never mentioned the business with Saki. Instead, she thanked him for his work during the Apocalypse.

“But look, something new has come up. I want you to take a look at it.”

“Sure thing, Kou, let me just get my notebook… Okay, go ahead.”

“There’s a new joint just opened. It’s an odd place. I want you to go down there and check it out.”

“What’s the name and where is it?”

“The Kafé Kauda Kai, just between Social Media and the Dream Disco.”

“What’s odd about it, Kou?”

“It’s a head patting cafe.”

Yancy had heard of maid cafes, butler cafes, cat cafes. He had even taken Hikaru to a rabbit cafe. He had never heard of a head patting cafe.

“I’ll check it out and report back.”

“Thank you.”

“Kou wants us to check out this new joint called the Kafé Kauda Kai. A head patting cafe.”

“Never heard of such a thing.”

“Me too.”

“Let’s both go, but separately.”

“Yeah, and we better not be too obvious as detectives neither. If something bad is going on, it might cause suspicion. We should go as ourselves.”

Moon agreed. It was harder for Moon to change back, so Yancy set off first. He left his hat and gun, and became the Frog Prince as he went, by taking his tie off.


© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2019/08/06 21:07:21

I'm writing a load of fiction. My latest story starts here... This is the index of all the stories...

We're not very big on official rules. Rules lead to people looking for loopholes. What's here is about it. 
Made in jp
Anti-piracy Officer

Somewhere in southern England.

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency:
The Case of the Head Patting Cafe, Pt.2

It was a fine summer’s day. Warm, not too hot or humid, and the sun was bearable if you kept mainly to the shady side of the street.

Yancy decided to walk down to Social Media to build an appetite. He would be eating on expenses, after all.

It took 30 minutes. He arrived at the Kafé Kauda Kai at the start of lunch service. There was a pretty boi outside, pulling customers.

Yancy was 80% hetero male in his Frog Prince aspect, so he merely noted the boi’s presence and went inside.

An attractive girl welcomed and seated him. She offered two menus, which were apps running on a tablet. The first was for food and drink. The second one gave all the options for the head patting service.

“Is it your first visit to our cafe?” She gave a long description of the concept of the cafe and explained the way to use the apps to order a meal and a head pat. By the end of it, Yancy was only pretending to listen out of politeness, and he missed a lot of it.

The whole thing reminded Yancy of Japanese cafes, like maid cafes and cat cafes. He noticed some of the staff seemed to be Japanese. However he thought it best to conceal his language skill, in case he might want to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Yancy was hungry and looked at the food and drink menu first. It was Italian themed; pasta, pizza, and a few classic main dishes. Easy crowd-pleasers, hardly adventurous, but probably no-one came here for haute cuisine anyway. There was a selection of soft drinks, wine and beer.

You could do a lot worse, though. There was nothing wrong with standards as such. Classics become cliches. The real quality of the meal depended on the freshness of ingredients and the skill of the chef.

He chose char-grilled aubergine and burrata drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar for a starter, with a glass of chianti, followed by Escalope Holstein and deep fried courgette flowers. It was a substantial meal, actually, but Kou was paying. And it would test the kitchen.

Yancy looked at the Head Pat app while he waited for his starter.

It was surprisingly complicated. There were categories for style of pat, age and gender of the patter, duration and other factors. He regretted not paying attention earlier.

As you made selections it altered the overall price and the waiting time for patting to begin. Presumably there might be a wait for the right staff to become available.

It was so complicated that Yancy gave up. He punched a few buttons almost at random and ended up with a mature male doing a soft head tousle for five minutes. Oh well. You have to start somewhere. He could always order another if he didn’t like the first one.

There were several staff going around, doing the usual restaurant work and also a few giving head pats to customers. The uniform was a white shirt, black trousers or slacks and waistcoat, and a black bow tie. Probably a clip on. A little white waiter apron. Classic, cool and unisex.

While waiting for his food Yancy thought about the history of head patting.

Absence from prehistoric cave art.
Depicted in ancient Egyptian tomb paintings.
Also seen in Hindu temple statuary.
A feature of mediaeval church practice -- the laying on of hands.
Evolved into secular use in the English tradition of the monarch’s ability to cure scrofula, the “king’s disease”.
Head patting in military life -- Achilles and Patroclus.
Napoleon patted the heads of his Imperial Guard and pinched their cheeks.
Also known to have occurred in various World War 1 and 2 situations, unlikely though it sounded.
Commonly seen as a celebration in sports such as football and rowing.
The head pat in 21st century Bromance.
Tropes in modern media, anime head pats, and so on.

His glass of wine arrived together with the starter. The aubergines looked delicious. He tucked in. The quality was excellent. He thought more about head patting as he ate.

The social contexts of head patting were various. Apart from in Thailand, where head patting was a grave insult, it was common-place for parents to pat their children to praise them for good behaviour.

It was less common for adults to pat heads in everyday situations.

Of course, girlfriends and boyfriends patted each others’ heads as part of the general spectrum of physical contact associated with love and desire.

“To what degree is head patting an act with specific sexual connotations?” he wondered.

Humans were capable of sexualising almost anything. Wellington boots, soap, guns, and being eaten alive, were all subjects of sexual fetish. Why not head patting? Obviously it could be sexual in some degree. It was a kind of caress.

The main course arrived and he ordered another glass of wine.

Yancy considered his own experiences of giving and receiving pats.

A few weeks ago, the Garden Fairy Yura had given him many head pats. Her magic portal had been on the blink, stuck in low power mode and not capable of delivering hugs as it was designed to. It could still deliver head pats, though.

Yancy had offered his head for patting in the hope that the magic from Holo, found in the scar on his ear, would be able to reactivate the portal.

It hadn’t worked. Fortunately the portal had been repaired by other means. Nonetheless, being patted by Garden Fairy had been a pleasant experience, relaxing, a break from the daily grind of work.

He ordered another glass of wine, and then decided just to have the whole bottle.

What other notable head patting occasions had there been?

Yancy had patted the Princess when she came home from losing her lover of one night, Mike, the Search and Rescue pilot. That was a simple matter of offering human contact and comfort for her desolation and grief.

In a similar way, the Major had patted and hugged the detective Yancy, after his petrifying descent from the fifth floor balcony of Onecornchippy’s apartment during the zombot apocalypse.

Did these experiences have any erotic meaning? Not as far as Yancy could see.

It was easier to imagine Yancy the Kuudere Detective delivering fierce head slaps than erotic head pats. That said, the hard-boiled Yancy had a roving eye, and the possibility of frisky head patting couldn’t be ruled out entirely for the future.

Yancy the baseline had patted Hikaru’s head recently, and it very much was an expression of love. It had been most satisfactory for both of them.

Could head patting someone other than your love be a betrayal of exclusive love? Yes, certainly. Or it could be just a kind of friendly flirting, which neither patter nor pattee meant to go any further. It all depended on the context.

All in all, head patting was a complicated topic. The background and theory were head-spinning enough without going into any details of technique. After two more glasses of wine he gave up and decided to concentrate on the experience he was about to undergo.

His head patter arrived, a pleasant looking 30+ year old Japanese chap. To Yancy he had a bit of an older brother air about him. HIs name badge read Hikaru, a spooky co-incidence.

Hikaru sat next to Yancy and delivered a rubbing kind of pat, tousling his fingers through Yancy’s hair. He murmured “There there” and other simple expressions. It was relaxing. Finally he took out a sterilised comb and quickly put Yancy’s hair back in order.

“Thank you, Mr Hikaru. That was nice.”

Yancy wondered whether to have some pudding and perhaps a second pat. He decided instead to go back to the office and wait for Moon to come and report her experiences.

One visit was only an initial reconnaissance to inform their planning of the investigation. They would need to compare notes and perhaps make a second visit.

He finished the bottle of wine, paid his bill and left. He passed Moon coming up the street and they agreed to regroup after she’d had her lunch and a head pat.

For some odd reason Yancy felt rather sleepy when he got to the office. He locked the door, took the phones off their cradles, and settled down for a nap in his reclining chair. He took his shoes off and put his feet on his desk.

Moon was very excited to visit a Head Patting Cafe! Like most people she had had her share of head pats, and enjoyed them, but they didn’t always happen when she wanted.

It would be so nice to have exactly as much patting as she liked. She could be patted all afternoon if she wanted to! But better not, because it looked bad to run up high expenses for the client without a good reason.

Moon liked the pretty boi hawker and allowed him to conduct her inside and seat her. He brought a menu tablet and explained how to use it. She grasped it quickly, and ordered a pizza, side salad and Limonata to drink, to be followed by a pretty boi two hand side pat.

Moon did not worry at all about the philosophy of head patting. She looked at the decor and styling of the cafe. She examined the quality of the silverware, and she peeped at the other diners. They were a varied bunch, different ages and aspects. It was hard to see what they had in common. Presumably wanting to be patted on the head was the main thing.

Her pizza was good, and she really enjoyed the patting. The pretty boi patted her on both sides of the head, first simultaneously with his two hands, then alternating them with a faster rhythm. He ended with a firm but gentle press on the top.

“Wow, that was great! Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure. Please come again soon.”

She paid her bill and left, taking a trolleybus back to The Deep.

When Moon reached the office, she found Yancy asleep and snoring lightly. She decided to try patting his head the way the pretty boi had patted hers.

She started gently and it did not wake him at first. Then he woke suddenly, and grabbed her wrists.

Yancy woke thinking he was being attacked from behind. He reached for his assailant’s hands, but he realised it could only be Moon, as no-one else had a key. Besides, he recognised her perfume.

He decided to let her finish patting him if she wanted. Actually, it was pretty relaxing.

“Sorry Yancy, it was too tempting not to give you a pat!”

Yancy had absorbed the ambience of the office during his sleep, and was operating in his detective aspect again.

“It was great, Moon, but I got my principles you know. Let’s not get tangled up in that kind of stuff.”

The fact was, Kuudere Detective Yancy had some feelings for Kuudere Detective Moon, which he tried to ignore.

Moon understood. They had enjoyed dancing together at the tea dance a few weeks earlier. That was as far as things ought to go if they were to keep in a strictly professional relationship.

"Well, it's relevant to the case is my excuse. Anyway, I’ll make coffee. You look like you could use some.”

While Moon got the coffee pot lit up, Yancy went and splashed cold water on his face and neck. He put his tie back on. He put the phones back on their cradles and got a couple of legal pads ready to start making notes. They sat down at his desk and sipped their coffee.

“What do you make of it, Moon. What’s your feminine intuition tell you?”

“I just thought it was good fun. The food was good and I enjoyed the head pats. Reasonably priced, considering the standard of the food. I can’t see what could be wrong about it.”

“Yeah. I kinda feel the same, but we can't afford to make that assumption based off of a single visit."

"What then. Visit again? I don't mind. It was fun, and Kou’s paying."

“We better think of ideas of maybe why they started up. What kind of shenanigans could be going on behind the scenes. Then we’ll have an idea what to look out for.”

“You mean it could all be a front for something criminal?”

“Remember the potato speakeasy in the Catgirl Sanctuary.”

Moon sure did. She had got a slug in the arm at that party.

They worked separately and noted down all the ideas they could think of, then compared notes and tabulated a combined list:

Money laundering
White slavery
Tax evasion
Smuggling? Hard to see what, though. It was the weakest idea but they left it on the list anyway.

“Well Yancy, this is some pretty dangerous stuff if there’s really anything going on.. But I don’t see how we can find out about any of this kind of stuff just by visiting the cafe a couple of times.”

“We need someone to go undercover. Someone to get a job there and find out what’s going on from the inside.”

“Who? We’ve both been there already. They would recognise us.”

“I know someone who might be up for it.” Yancy reached for his phone. He dialled Victor.


© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

I'm writing a load of fiction. My latest story starts here... This is the index of all the stories...

We're not very big on official rules. Rules lead to people looking for loopholes. What's here is about it. 
Made in jp
Anti-piracy Officer

Somewhere in southern England.

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency:
The Case of the Head Patting Cafe, Pt.3

Yancy was dialling his Waifu, Victor.

“Hold up, Yancy! You can’t just decide by yourself like that and do it. You have to discuss it with me first.”

Yancy stopped dialling. He looked at Moon. He could see she was annoyed he had gone ahead and made the decision without consulting her.

Yancy knew he was wrong and Moon was right. He put the receiver back on the cradle.

“Moon, thank you. You’ve saved me from macho impetuosity.”

Moon saved Yancy pretty often from all sorts of mistakes, and Yancy saved Moon in return when he could. Their strengths complemented each other’s weaknesses. That was what it meant to be partners.

“Social intelligence,” thought Yancy. “I got to get better at it. Maybe there’s a self-help book or something. A correspondence course.” He scratched a note on his legal pad.

“Okay Moon, let’s talk this through.”

Moon was mollified. She poured them both more coffee.

“I agree with your idea about planting a stoolie in the nest, Yancy. But what made you think of Victor?”

“It’s gotta be someone we know. They’ve got to have certain qualities. They’ve got to not be too well known around the server.”

“I agree. That rules out the Princess, of course, or any of the Mods.”

“I guess I had a mental list of members I know and reasons why they wouldn’t be a good fit. I’ll chalk up the names on the blackboard.”

Yancy wiped the board clean, then wrote the names as they came out of his head. They weren’t in any particular order.

Maddy, The Heartwarming Freckle
+ Levi +
Garden Fairy Yura

“Moon, think about these members and chalk up the things you think would disqualify them. I’ll write my ideas on a notepad.”

Moon chalked up the following points:

SilverRose - too well known, busy writing
Mariella - pining for SilverRose
Charmaine - busy caring for family
Maddy, The Heartwarming Freckle - too young
+ Levi + - unreliable
Garden Fairy Yura - skilled head patter but too kind and peaceful if there was any rough stuff
PeterTehDumb - prankster
Chanmi - busy with exams
Mayoi - busy working
Tegru - possible?
Victor - possible?

“I couldn’t think of any others.”

“You came to about the same place as me, Moon.” Yancy showed her his notepad.

“Great minds think alike, Yancy.”

“Or maybe fools never differ. Anyway, between Tegru and Victor, I prefer Victor.”

“Because she’s your Waifu?”

“And she’s enigmatic and she’s got a strong name.”

Yancy believed in the power of names. Names could be an important part of an aspect.

“I’ll play you at Hanafuda Koi-Koi for Tegru against Victor.”

“No way. I’d lose because things are going great with Hikaru again.”

Yancy believed in the saying, “Lucky at cards, unlucky in love.” He had proved it to himself too many times.

Yancy thought anyone who didn’t believe in luck just hadn’t been around long enough to know the realities of the world.

“Jan-Ken-Pon then?”

“Why are you so keen for Tegru, Moon? She’s not your Waifu or anything.”

“I like her.”

“I like her too, she’s got moxie. But there’s got to be something more than that, don’cha think?”

“Okay, throw dice and let Goddess decide.”

“What dice shall we throw?”

3D6 each. Highest score wins.”

Moon rolled first and scored 9 for Tegru. Yancy rolled and scored 11 for Victor.

“That was dung beetle rolls for both of us but we got the result. Can I ring Victor now? She might nix the plan anyway.”

“Go ahead.”

Yancy rang Victor. He asked her if she would be willing to go undercover. She wanted to know more about the job before she decided.

“That’s fine. Hang on the line a sec, babe…”

“Moon, is it okay if we all go to your crib and fill Victor in on the case?”

“Sure thing. Shall we go now?”

“Can you go now, Victor? To Moon Potato’s pad?

“Yes, Yancy.”

“Here’s the address. Meet you there in half an hour.”

Moon and Yancy didn’t think they needed heat but they packed it anyway, to help maintain their gumshoe aspects. They took the uptown trolleybus and got off five minutes walk from Moon’s 1LDK.

Victor was waiting outside the block, wearing a tomboyish outfit of shorts, T shirt and a light varsity jacket. She looked an eyeful. Yancy’s eye roved over her legs.

“Hi Victor. This is Moon Potato, the cleverer half of the agency.”

“Hi Moon, we met at the tea dance. I was called Umeko | Deadly Viper Squad then.

“Nice to see you again, Victor.”

They went up and Moon offered them soft drinks.

“Have you been here before, Yancy?” asked Victor.

“The night before the apocalypse started I slept over.”

“Hmmm?” She raised an eyebrow.

“We both got cranked that evening. I was spark out in the shower. The next morning I thought I had woken up dead for a bit.”

The life of a Kuudere Detective is not as glamorous as a lot of people think.

“Anyway, me and Moon kept strictly professional. No tangles.”

They sat at the dining table and sipped their sodas.

“Well, I came down to hear about undercover work, so maybe you had better fill me in.”

“It’s a new cafe, the Kafé Kauda Kai, just between Social Media and the Dream Disco.”

"Their gimmick is head pats. You can go there and have a coffee or a meal, and get your head patted.”

“Sounds… interesting.”

“Yeah. Anyway, we got asked to look into it by a certain member. I won’t mention any names, you can guess if you like but don’t ask cause we won’t tell ya.”

“Sure, Moon. The less said the better.”

“Right. So, Yancy and I went down there, separately, just for a dekko. Tell her your bit, Yancy.”

“I had a great meal -- Italian -- and got my hair tousled by this Japanese guy. Name of Hikaru.”

“Isn’t that your off-server GF’s name?”

“Yeah, it can be a boy’s name or a girl’s name. Spooky coincidence, though. I probably woulda preferred pats from a girl but I picked at random.”

“How about you, Moon?”

“I had a delicious pizza and got a double handed pat from a nice boi. I thought it was great.”

“What’s the hitch then? Why’s anyone worried?”

“We don’t know and we don’t think we can find out just by visiting.”

“There’s other stuff we can do, like examine their incorporation papers, but we’re going to need inside info.”

“That’s where you come in, Victor. We want you to get a job there and find out what’s going on from the inside.”

“We have some ideas on what could be happening, but we won’t tell you in case it biases your lines of enquiry.”

“Basically, Waifu, we want you to get a job as a trainee waiter and head patter. Don’t snoop. Just keep your ears and eyes open. Get a feel for the atmosphere.”

“We’ll give loads of support. We’ll do more checking on them before you start.”

“We’ll set up surveillance from the outside. You can meet or ring us any time you want.”

“I’m in.”

“Copacetic. Can you handle all the application and stuff? Just let us know when you’re going to start.”

“Well, I might not get the job, though.”

“Let’s burn that bridge when we get to it. We would find someone else. There’s a ton of stuff me and Moon gotta do anyway, which won’t be wasted.”

“Yeah, Yancy, but let’s get on to that tomorrow. I’m pretty tired and want a quiet evening.”

“Sure thing, partner. Thanks for letting us use your crib for a meet. I’ll see you down the agency in the morning.”

Yancy took Victor for a beer. The barman carded her, which she found mildly amusing.

“It’s your tomboy getup. Looks real nice, but you look like a teenager.”

They sat in a booth.

“This is the first time you’ve taken me out except that tea dance, Yancy.”

“Yeah. I feel like I’ve been neglecting you. You’re so enigmatic, it's hard to know what you're thinking.”

“Maybe I’m trying to be kuudere.”

Yancy wondered if it was more of a tsundere thing in her.

“Did you like the dance?”

“Yeah. I liked the Frog Prince Yancy.”

He tried to lower his gumshoe aspect, but he found could not let go while he had the full noir rig including his new gat. A Colt 45 auto was a hell of a prop.

“Sorry babe, no Frog Prince tonight. I’m stuck as kuudere right now.”

“It’s okay.”

Victor raised her glass, so did Yancy, and they chinked them for luck.

Yancy wished for a whiskey chaser, but he knew it was only the noir aspect calling for it, so he repressed that desire.

Instead, he reached across the table with his left hand and took Victor’s right hand and clasped it lightly. He rubbed the back of her hand gently with his thumb.

“D’ya know anything about head patting, Victor?”


“I’ve a feeling you’re going to learn.”

“If I learn well, maybe I’ll pat your head Yancy.”

“Hm. Another beer?”

“One’s enough for me, thanks”

“I’ll walk you home.”

It was the gentlemanly thing to do.


© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

I'm writing a load of fiction. My latest story starts here... This is the index of all the stories...

We're not very big on official rules. Rules lead to people looking for loopholes. What's here is about it. 
Made in jp
Anti-piracy Officer

Somewhere in southern England.

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency:
The Case of the Head Patting Cafe, Pt.4

The next morning Yancy got up early, dressed in his detective clothes and went down to The Deep. He bought a big bag of ring donuts at the diner on the corner.

Yancy beat Moon into the office. He locked his new Colt in a drawer. He was a bit scared of its power. It wasn’t good to get trapped in an aspect. On the plus side the heater’s strength as a totem would make him extra tough in a fight. He would have to use it with care.

Next Yancy made coffee. He started to eat donuts and make notes on a legal pad.

He listed possible information sources about Kafé Kauda Kai in two columns. One was headed ‘Legit’, the other ‘Shady’.

He wrote Town Hall and Companies House in the Legit column. He put Street, NSFW and Surveillance in the Shady column. Then he ran out of ideas.


Yancy worked out the costs of the case so far and made an estimate of likely additional costs for widening the enquiry with extra surveillance and so on. Kou would have to approve this before they went any farther.

Moon arrived soon after. Yancy gave her coffee and donuts.

“Here Moon, would you check my ideas about how we can get more information?”

Moon looked at the rather short list.

“If we got an authorisation from Kou, we could check their fire safety, insurance and hygiene certificates. That might tell us something.”

“Worth a try.” He wrote Certificates (Kou) in the Legit column.

“Anyway Yancy, I think we’ve got three separate jobs to do here.

“Someone’s got to check the public business records at the Town Hall and Companies House.

“Someone’s got to find a place where we can set up surveillance.

“Someone’s got to pound the mean streets, especially around NSFW. Burn some shoe leather.”

“Yeah. We drop a bit of cash around the usual informers, we’re sure to turn up something.”

“Yancy, will you go and do the office stuff? You’re good at that. I like looking for surveillance spots. Then let’s go to NSFW together.”

What Moon meant was that she liked checking out people’s apartments and offices, to look at the decor and things like that. But in fact Moon was good at finding surveillance positions. She had what was called “coup d’oeil”.

“We better run all this past Kou first, Moon. It could end up being expensive.”

Moon adjusted the proposed cost of surveillance to take into account renting somewhere. Yancy added something for bribery in NSFW, and some more to pay Victor for her work. Then he rang Kou. He explained the plan and costs.

He didn’t say anything about having Victor as a plant. Yancy trusted Kou, but he knew secrets have a way of spreading by accident. Yancy had decided to keep Victor’s involvement on a strict “need to know” basis.

Kou approved everything, so they worked out a rough schedule for the rest of the day. Yancy would spend the morning on the bureaucratic paperwork. Moon would find some good surveillance positions. Regroup and update at lunch, then see what had to be done in the afternoon.

Victor sent in an application for waiter/head patter.

Moon went down to the junction of Dream Disco and Social Media, to look for potential surveillance positions.

Yancy left his rod in the desk drawer and headed for the Mod Channels, where the server’s bureaucratic functions were located.

He pulled the official records for the cafe, the incorporation papers, and the refurbishment plans. He made copies, and noted the IDs of the owners and shareholders. He dropped .uinfo and .waifuinfo on them, and made notes of all their connections and interrelations. A number of them were Japanese.

Yancy used his authorisation from Kou to check the insurance and public hygiene certificates held by the company.

“We need to get an idea of their cash flow. Victor will be able to do that, once she’s in.”

While Yancy was doing paperwork Moon went to scout the area around the cafe. It was on a corner, with a front entrance for customers, a side entrance for staff, and a rear entrance through an alley and yard, where deliveries were made.

“This will be difficult to surveill,” thought Moon. “But if I can put cameras on the roofs and get a position where I can see down both roads, we’ll get something. We may have to do a week’s work in one position, then move the setup to get different angles.”

Moon checked commercial property listings for the area. She found a small office space with a good location on a middle floor, across the cross-channel diagonally opposite the cafe.

It didn't have a direct view into the back alley, but Moon figured it would be okay shooting from the office. She put down a month’s rent and a security deposit.

“I’m glad we’re flying on Kou’s plastic,” she thought. “This is getting expensive. Still, we won’t need the whole month and we’ll get the deposit back.”

Moon rang Yancy.

“Hi partner. How’s it going up with the Mods?”

“I’m finished here. Got a lotta paperwork I want you to look over.”

“I’ve rented an office with a good view. I need to go and get the cameras.”

“Good work, Moon! Let’s meet at the agency. I need to build a situation board.”

They arrived at their own office separately. Moon was first. She started checking the cameras. When Yancy got there he let her finish while he spread out his findings on the desk.

He started to set up a situation board. He listed all the directors and shareholders of the cafe company. They were the same people, which is pretty standard for a small limited company when the management actually know what they are doing.

Most of the names were Japanese. The one exception he looked up in the phone. It turned out to be a bar owner. This member obviously was recruited for his local expertise and connections. Yancy was familiar with Japanese business practices from his own baseline experience.

Yancy added the various Husbando/Waifu/Affinity links to the board.

Moon finished fiddling with her cameras and came to look at the board. They both stood there looking at it, and nothing jumped out.

“Shall we try free associating, Yancy?”

“Nope. Gotta keep clear heads for NSFW.”

“Yep. Say, now we’ve got an office between Dream Disco and Social Media, let’s take some stuff up there. We’ll have to spend a lot of time there to do the surveillance.”

“That’s a good idea, Moon. This case looks like being a long haul.”

They made a list of stuff to take. Camp bed, weapons, the case files, the board, the camera equipment of course, and a big box of 35mm rolls of Kodak Tri-X film. They decided to hire a taxicab to carry it all.

Moon went out to hail a cab while Yancy started carrying the stuff downstairs. It took an hour to get everything over to their new office opposite the cafe.

After that they were tired and hungry. They locked up the surveillance office and walked to a local diner where they had grilled cheese sandwiches and sodas.

“What do you make of it all, Moon, using your female intuition?”

“It’s too early to tell anything. All I know is I liked getting my head patted by the pretty boi.”

“Maybe I should give it a try.”

“You know what, Yancy, I’m beat. I haven’t got the heart to go to NSFW tonight. Shall we call it a day?”

Moon agreed. They walked together to the uptown trolleybus stop and rode together to the junction of Pink Home and Blue Home. They got off. Moon went to her 1LDK and Yancy went to the Frog Palace.

The Palace was empty. The Princess was off server for a few days, recovering from a minor operation.

Yancy missed her in a Platonic way. He was feeling unaccountably blue. The case was moving slowly. It looked like being a long and probably boring job.

Yancy decided to drop his hard-boiled aspect, have a shower and a Martini, and see if that improved his mood.


© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

I'm writing a load of fiction. My latest story starts here... This is the index of all the stories...

We're not very big on official rules. Rules lead to people looking for loopholes. What's here is about it. 
Made in jp
Anti-piracy Officer

Somewhere in southern England.

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency:
The Case of the Head Patting Cafe, Pt.5

Yancy made himself a very cold, very dry Martini with the good stuff, Tanqueray Export Strength gin. He sat down to ring Victor.

“Hi Yancy!”

“Hi Victor. I knocked off early today. How are you doing?”

“Fine. I sent in my application.”

“Good. Thank you.”

“I won’t hear for a bit.”

“No, probably not. Anyway, Moon and I have set up surveillance to be ready.”


“I think it will be a long case. Will you be alright to work there for up to a month?”


“You’ll be on the agency payroll too. It’s not much, to be honest.”

“S’okay. I’ll have my pay from the cafe and tips too.

“i don’t think they do tipping. It's Japanese run."

“Oh. Well…

“You’re the Prince now, aren’t you.”

“Yes. How can you tell?”

“Your voice.”

“Ha ha! I didn’t think of that. I suppose I sound English.”

“Yes. Your accent. And you speak differently, you use different words, I mean.”

“Well, it’s natural. Anyway, I’m sorry but I’ve got to go now. I just wanted to… hear your voice.”

“Okay. G’night.”

Victor clicked off. Yancy thought about making some supper.

He went to the balcony, to look out at the lights of the server as dusk gathered, but he didn’t go out. His irrational fear prevented him. He shivered and closed the doors.

Yancy felt maudlin. He moped and brooded. "What's wrong with me? Things are going well."

He decided to distract himself by catching up on some manga which had been sitting around waiting to be read.

He read the first two volumes of Your Name, then stopped because he did not want the story to be over so soon. He liked the main characters. He hoped they would find love with each other in the end, and he was afraid they might not. One more book to go. He put it aside for a few days.

Yancy’s mood was still low. He decided to have supper and get to bed and hope things would look better in the morning.

The next day things did look better. The sky was blue. The sun was warm.

Yancy got togged up in his detective aspect and went out to a diner for a proper hard-boiled breakfast of ham, eggs easy over and heaps of toast, all washed down with black coffee.

A message arrived from Moon. She was already at the surveillance office and loading the cameras with film. Yancy got himself straight down there.

Moon had set up one of the Leicas with a 135mm lens and another with a 35mm, so they could get close up shots of people going in and out and wide angle shots of the whole scene.

They put those two cameras on tripods. They loaded the third body and put a 50mm lens on it and kept it on the table.

Both detectives were fired up at the start of the job, but as the morning wore on they started to realise it was going to be a long haul.

A kitchen porter arrived and opened up the back. Food deliveries came and were taken in to be checked and stored.

A manager and a chef arrived, so they supposed, anyway. More staff arrived. They opened the front of the cafe and started to set up tables and so on.

They got pics of everyone, and would have to try to identify them later. Every shot had to be tagged by hand with the time in their shot list.

The film needed to be sent off for processing. They used a lab who could be trusted to be discreet.

“Is it worth shooting customers, Yancy?”

“Dunno. There could be a lot of them. Maybe they’ll be just ordinary members. We'll count them though”

Moon agreed. They decided to concentrate on the staff and getting a feel for the daily routine.

By lunchtime Yancy was bored. His eye began roving. Moon had to tell him off for trying to take pics down girls’ dresses who were passing in the street.

“Sorry, Moon. Unprofessional.”

“Yancy, you’re no good if you can’t be serious and concentrate. I’ll hold the fort. You go and get us some lunch.”

Moon thought Yancy needed some action to help him refocus. Actually she thought he needed to get himself tired but relaxed. She couldn’t help him with that.

Yancy went out to a deli and ordered Moon’s favourite sub, which he knew by heart. He got a meatball slider for himself. He bought a big bottle of sarsaparilla too, and a bag of ice.

Moon was delighted with her sandwich. They drank sarsaparilla with ice out of coffee mugs and put the bottle and the ice in the small office fridge. It had a tiny freezer box.

A message arrived from Victor. She had been invited for an interview. Yancy sent, “Well done, babe!”

Things were looking up a bit. They got through lunch service, and the cafe was quieter during the afternoon.

“Moon, shall we carry on through to closing time?

“Yeah, it would be good to get one whole day in the can. We don’t have to rush down to NSFW.”

“Long day.”


“You want to stretch your legs? Pick us up some supper? I promise not to get fresh with the camera again.”

“Thanks, Yancy. What do you want?”

“Chinese alright with you?”

“Sure. Your usual?” Moon knew what Yancy liked.

Yancy concentrated hard while Moon was out. He had promised not to be distracted by curves. Yancy took his duty seriously even if it was self-imposed. He hated to break a promise.

Moon came back with the Chinese food. They ate while continuing observations. They had already got all the staff on film, so the cameras weren’t needed. Moon unloaded the exposed film and put it into canisters to be sent to the lab.

The cafe shut at 9, Japanese style.

“Good news for everyone,” said Moon. “We will lose the light soon, even using Tri-X.”

They took shots of the staff as they left, to see how well they would come out in low light, and called it a day.

Moon checked the cameras. Yancy bagged all the film with development instructions for each roll, asking for the last roll to be pushed two stops because of the low light. He put a stamp on the envelope.

“Moon, you got a bit of time?”

“Sure Yancy. What have you got in mind.”

“A cocktail and talk about the case.”

They went to one of their usual bars, the fancy one near Dream Disco which did good cocktails. Yancy posted the films on the way.

They took a secluded booth. Moon had a Brandy Alexander, Yancy had a Stinger.

“Chick drink”, thought Yancy, but he did not say anything. A Stinger was a bit of a chick drink if you looked at it one way, all that mint flavour.

Yancy thought people should drink whatever they liked, and he had the mood for a Stinger.

They clinked glasses for luck and took a sip.

“What’s your feeling, Moon? What’s your feminine intuition telling you?

“So far it seems copacetic. Nothing untoward today. But we’ve only done one day’s observations of the cafe. We need to get ourselves down to NSFW and get our ears to the ground.”

“You’re right. Are you up for it tonight?”

“Could be good to stretch our legs. Plant some cash here and there and see what comes up over the next few days.”

“Let’s go. No more drinks now. We better pass by the office and get our gats.”

They took a taxicab down to The Deep and got their rods. Yancy hefted the 45 with apprehension. The shoulder holster sat neatly inside his jacket. He felt the weight on his mind.

They walked over to NSFW. The kind of place which is more lively later in the night. They dropped .iam NSFW and went in.

Moon and Yancy knew the zone pretty well. Not because they liked it but they had to come here a lot on jobs. They split up to cover more ground.

“Meet you back here in two hours?”

Yancy went north. He didn’t want to go near the Catgirl Sanctuary. That was off limits to Yancy since Holo left her mark on him. Holo and Catgirls don’t agree with each other.

Moon headed straight for the Catgirls. She figured they were very Japanese. In strict historical terms this was not true, but realistically it was how everyone saw it now, so that’s how it was.

It was a good bet to associate the cafe, run by majority Japanese interests, with Catgirls. Besides, Catgirls like being patted on the head.

They worked the channels for a couple of hours, talked to their contacts, dropped some clams here and there to grease the wheels. No-one knew anything they wanted to mention, but they promised to keep their ears and eyes open.

After regrouping Yancy and Moon went to an all night bar near the edge of NSFW. It isn’t all sleaze and pornos in NSFW; there are some really good places if you know how to find them. Detectives have to be streetwise.

In full detective aspect they both stuck with rye whiskey and soda. Just one drink to wet the pipes and make talking easy.

"I got nothing, Moon."

"Me neither. More than that, I feel like there's nothing there to get."

"Yeah. Like people are interested, but they aren't finding anything out.

"Let's hope Victor gets the job. I think we really need inside info to crack this one."

"It's partly cause they're out of towners. Close mouthed people, Japanese. Almost no associates in the server"

"Well. Another whiskey, Yancy?"

"Thanks. Same again but more soda this time. It's late."

Over their second drink they decided to start late the next morning at the agency office.

They needed the developed film and prints to match faces to people. It wouldn't be ready until the afternoon.

They wanted to catch up on a couple of minor cases, and report to Kou on progress.

They took a taxicab back to the Home channels and arranged to meet at their agency office at 10 a.m.


© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

I'm writing a load of fiction. My latest story starts here... This is the index of all the stories...

We're not very big on official rules. Rules lead to people looking for loopholes. What's here is about it. 
Made in jp
Anti-piracy Officer

Somewhere in southern England.

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency:
The Case of the Head Patting Cafe, Pt.6

Moon and Yancy met at their agency office in The Deep just before 10. They reviewed the previous day’s activities and wrote up a report for Kou.

Moon rang Kou to give her the news, which basically was nothing so far, but they were waiting for their photos and hoped to get something from them. They wanted to look up the Companies House info for the suppliers. No further leads yet.

Yancy rang the message service. He got the list of calls they had missed and prioritised them for answering, then gave half to Moon. They worked through their callbacks until lunchtime. It was all routine stuff.

Meanwhile Victor prepared for her interview. She looked up information about Italian food and head patting. She made notes about relevant experience she had.

Victor reviewed her prepared responses to those typical questions which go, “Tell me about a time when you…?” She tried to relate her anwers to the current application, and learned just the bullet points so as not to seem unspontaneous when she used the stories.

She refreshed her basic technique. Good handshake. Sit up straight. Feet planted on the ground for strength. Make eye contact with all the interviewers.

FInally, Victor considered her wardrobe. She knew Yancy was pretty good at Japanese business practices because his baseline actually worked in Tokyo, so she rang him for advice. For a joke she rang the agency number rather than his own phone.

“MPY Kuudere Detective Agency. Yancy here. Can I help?”

“Hi Yancy.”

“Oh, it’s Victor. What’s up?”

“I’m preparing for the interview at Kafé Kauda Kai.”

“Some way I can help?”

“Yancy, what do you know about Japanese business interviewing?”

“A bit. Baseline Yancy works in Tokyo, so I should know something.”

“How should I dress? The other day I was wearing a tomboyish outfit with shorts. You really liked it. Shall I go for something like that again?”

“Hmmm. With the Japanese you should be a bit more formal than you think you need. Like instead of shorts, wear slacks. Change the T shirt for a smart blouse. Wear make-up, not too heavy. That would be fine. You don’t need to dress up too much for a cafe.“

“Thanks, Yancy. I’ll give it my best shot!”

“I know you will, doll. Good luck.”

Victor looked through her wardrobe. She picked a dark blue blouse and khaki slacks. The combination looked cool and unisex, yet it enhanced her figure subtly.

The high waist made her legs look long. The blouse was tailored enough to give her curves a chance of being noticed.

She chose black, flat heel loafers and simple, practical underwear. A black leather shoulder bag.

Victor had a shower, dried and styled her tomboyish hair, and got made up. She put on her outfit, took the trolleybus uptown and got off at the corner of Dream Disco and Social Media.

If the detectives had been there they could have got a great shot of her, as she went into the cafe five minutes early.

The interview was with two Japanese staff members. One was the general manager, Mr Sato, the other was the head of front of house, Mrs Suzuki.

Everything went as expected, except that they asked to see her hands. Mrs Suzuki asked her to roll her sleeves up, then examined her hands and forearms. Obviously this was important for head patting.

“Miss Victor, please would you put your hand on my head?”

“Right or left, Mrs Suzuki?”

“Right, please.”

Victor stood up, faced Mrs Suzuki and put her hand on top of her head, the fingers closed and slightly cupped. She rested her hand lightly, feeling Mrs Suzuki’s hair and beneath it, the warmth of her scalp.

“Please pat my head, Miss Victor.”

Victor patted lightly, rhythmically and slowly, about two pats a second. She didn’t know why, but it seemed right.

Then she opened her fingers and moved her hand towards Mrs Suzuki’s forehead, and continued to pat, but slower, resting her hand on the head for a moment between each pat.

Mrs Suzuki spoke a short phrase in Japanese. Mr Sato replied with a single word.

They both had spoken only English so far. Something they wanted to keep a secret? Victor tried to remember the sound of the words.

“Thank you, Miss Victor. Please would you sit down again.”

Mrs Suzuki returned to her chair the other side of the office desk.The two Japanese exchanged a glance. Mr Sato spoke.

“Miss Victor, we offer a position as trainee waiter and head patter.”

“Yay!” thought Victor to herself, and she could not help smiling.

Mrs Suzuki smiled slightly, and said, “But before you accept we must explain to you various conditions of employment.

"In particular, you will be trained in the theory and practice of head patting.

“We take it very seriously. We wish only to give our customers the very best head pats, so we carefully train all our staff.”

Mrs Suzuki went on to explain the basic conditions, the hours of work, and the pay structure.

Victor would start on a low rate, but once she was fully trained it would be increased. There was potential for further increases as she gained experience.

“Thank you very much! When would you like me to start?”

“I must do some administration work.”

Mrs Suzuki took her measurements to make sure there would be a uniform to fit. She checked a desk diary and a wallchart which looked like a staff roster.

“Would you be able to start Thursday this week?”

“Yes, certainly, thank you!”

“Thank you for coming to interview, Miss Victor. Here is a short book I would like you to read before Thursday. Please be a few minutes early, so I can introduce you to your co-workers.”

“I will. You can depend on me, Mrs Suzuki.”

Victor practically skipped down the street towards The Deep, she was so pleased and excited with her success. She knew the detectives had been relying on her to get on the inside.

She found Moon and Yancy in their office, eating sandwiches and drinking coffee.

“Yancy! I got it! I start on Thursday.”

“That’s great, doll! I knew you could do it.”

Yancy got up and hugged her pretty close. He wanted to know if she felt as good as she looked. And she did.

"You're looking real smooth today. I bet that clinched it for you."

He offered her a chair, half of his sandwich and a cup of coffee.

"Spill the beans, then."

"It was all straightforward except for two things."

"Start at the beginning, Victor would you? I have to get this down for evidence."

"Sorry, Moon. I got there five minutes early. There were two people, both Japanese. Mr Sato and Mrs Suzuki."

Yancy looked them up in his notes.

"So, anyway, they spoke English all the time, even to each other."

"How good?"

"Not perfect but very good. Mrs Suzuki was better.

"It was a pretty standard interview. One odd thing was they wanted to feel my hands and arms."

"Not so odd, maybe. If you're gonna be doing a lot of patting."

"Next thing was Mrs Suzuki asked me to pat her head."


"Obviously! It was a test."

"You passed."

"Yes, now, another thing was Mrs Suzuki said something in Japanese, and Mr Sato replied. It sounded like this…"

Victor tried her best to remember the sounds of the Japanese speech. What she produced was a bit strange sounding to Yancy's ears.

He did his best to guess the meaning partly based on context. It wasn't easy because Yancy the detective didn't know any Japanese. He had to channel baseline Yancy's language skill.

"As far as I can make out, Suzuki says, 'This girl is a natural' and Sato says, 'Great.' I'm sure about Sato anyway."

"They made an offer so it's probably right," said Moon.

“Anyway Victor. You did great. Thank you.”

Just then a runner arrived from the photo lab. She had all the developed film, contact prints and 3 by 5 inch blow-ups. It was a big packet. They had shot nearly 100 frames.

“Yancy, let’s go through these and see if Victor can identify the two people she met today.”

Yancy remembered the shots he’d tried to take of girls. He thought these probably should be kept out of the mix. Victor might get the wrong idea.

“Moon, you and Victor check the roll we shot with the 135mm. I’ll check the 50mm. The wide angle film probably won’t show enough detail to indentify faces.

While the others looked carefully at the telephoto images, Yancy quickly found and removed the evidence of his unprofessional conduct. He hoped they wouldn’t look too closely at the contact sheet or the negatives. Victor had never seen this kind of film before and wouldn’t know how to work with it.

Victor easily found Sato and Suzuki in the 3 by 5 blow-ups. Moon marked the negatves with a Chinagraph pencil to ask for 8 by 10 blow-ups.

“Okay, let’s have a look at this book they gave you Victor.”

The title was Head Patting, Theory and Practice.

The basic theory was that the head contains the brain, the organ of human consciousness.
The hand is the most human tool for manipulation of the world.
Therefore hand to head contact is the most important human kind of contact.
Yancy thought it sounded a hi-falutin way of saying that people like getting their heads patted because Goddess had made them that way. But he didn’t say anything because he wanted Victor to be right on top of it.

There was a bunch more science stuff about the nervous system and physiology and so on.

Then there was a long section describing the different types of head pat, including;
The Flat Pat
The Cupped Hand Pat
The Spread Finger Pat
Two-handed Pat

It went on to locations of the head which could be patted;
The Top Pat
Front Pat
Back Pat
Side Pat

Next were some pages on variant pats; Rubbing and Tousling, and Use of the Fingertips

The book went on and on, covering pat frequency and strength, duration, different rhythms and how to switch between them.

Yancy just lost track. He could understand now why the cafe needed an app to book head pats. He was simply glad it was Victor’s job to learn all this stuff.

And this was just the theory! There were going to be practical lessons too.

Yancy’s mind wandered. He imagined a wonderful future in which a fully trained Victor gave him many head pats, leading on to them getting tired but relaxed together.

Moon’s voice broke into his reverie. “Yancy! Snap out of it.”

“Sorry, Moon, what’s up?”

“Victor wants to take the book and go and read it at home. And we’ve got to plan new moves now we can match some names to faces.”

“Sure Victor, you do that. Thanks for all your help. You’ve done a great job.”

Victor went off, and the detectives got busy planning the next phase of the investigation.


© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

I'm writing a load of fiction. My latest story starts here... This is the index of all the stories...

We're not very big on official rules. Rules lead to people looking for loopholes. What's here is about it. 
Made in jp
Anti-piracy Officer

Somewhere in southern England.

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency:
The Case of the Head Patting Cafe, Pt.7

Moon and Yancy spent the rest of the afternoon planning their next moves.

First they would work NSFW with the photos. Someone might recognise a face, and that could be the lead that broke the case wide open.

Yancy worried about going to NSFW. It was necessary to take his 45. He knew that eventually he would have to shoot the new pistol. His aspect demanded it for practicality if nothing else. It was nonsense to carry a heater you didn’t know worked.

“Maybe I should just go to the firing range and shoot it a bit.”

He was still worried though. The 45 appealed to a side of his nature which he wasn’t at all happy with. The side which relished causing damage.

He didn’t like to think what would happen if he got stuck in that aspect. He might even unlock the special cabinet, the one with its keys locked in a steel box hidden under the office floor. Anything could happen after that, depending on circumstances.

“Enough moping,” thought Yancy. “It ain’t happened yet, so just make sure it don’t!”

“What’s up, Yancy? You’re in a brown study again. Snap out of it!”

“Sorry, Moon. What were you saying?”

“What shall we do tomorrow?”

“Huh. Depends if we find out anything tonight.”

“Well obviously, but the point of a plan is that you have a plan, even if you change it later.”

“You’re right as usual, Moon. Okay, I can go and check out the papers on the cafe’s suppliers. And I should check this bar owned by, what’s his name, the local guy the Japanese have palled up with.”


Yancy wrote it in his notebook.

“Do we have the name of his bar?”


“I can trace that through alcohol licensing records. Then I can find the rest of the stuff.”

“I guess I’ll go and do more surveillance.”

“I’ll come down about lunchtime. Any special request?”

“Pasta, from that place called Maletti, with the bright yellow sign. Carbonara sauce if possible, otherwise anything.”

“Sure thing.”

Having laid their meticulous plans, the detectives headed out for NSFW.

But they drew a blank with the photos. They went home no clearer about how the case was shaping up.

The next morning Yancy went up to the Mod Channel to do paperwork. He took the chance to call on Kou and give a short verbal report.

“How much longer do you think it will take, Yancy?”

“Hard to say. We’re getting information every day, but nothing points anywhere specific. We keep following leads as we get them.

“That’s how detective work goes. We have to grind it out. Lots of shoe leather. However, I think we’ll get something good in the next two weeks.”

He was thinking that Victor would definitely find something by then.

“If you’re worried about the cost, we won’t be working every hour on this case. It’s going to take a bit here and there, as we develop leads from new information.”

“Okay. Please give me a short report daily, even if it’s no progress.”

“Will do, Kou.”

He went to the Town Hall and looked up the alcohol licence records. Evans had a licence covering a bar in Social Media. The address was fairly close to the Kafé Kauda Kai.

With this info it was easy to get the business name and other details from Companies House. He made notes for the case file. He also got the details on the cafe’s food, drink, and linen suppliers.

Then it was time for lunch so he went to Maletti’s. He got two portions of Fusilli Carbonara and two cans of Limonata soda and took them down to Moon.

“What’s up, Yancy?”

“Got the dope on Evans’s bar. It’s called the Little Brown Jug. Five minutes walk away, in Social Media. Here’s the details if you want to look. There’s nothing interesting. Your pasta and a soda.”


Moon was hungry and got stuck in straight away. Between bites she filled Yancy in on the morning’s results.

“Basically nothing. ...mogu mogu… I don’t think there’s much point hanging around here ...mogu mogu… until we get some inside info from Victor.”

“Yep. Let’s clock off here when we’re done eating. Go to the office and check the messages. Then what do you say to a couple of drinks round at Little Brown Jug? See the lie of it.”

“Good plan.”

They cleared their messages at the office and went to Little Brown Jug.

Despite the name it was tricked out as a British style pub, as the Frog Prince remembered them. His native knowledge came in handy for ordering at the bar rather than wait for non-existent table service.

Yancy had a pint of bitter and bought Moon a half pint of port and lemon.

“Girl’s drink,” He thought but he said nothing.

“What’s this girl’s drink you bought me, Yancy?” She looked at it doubtfully. “I want a pint.”

“Dames don’t drink pints.” The hard-boiled Yancy had firm views on this.

“Don’t you ‘dame’ me Yancy. I’m a hard boiled detective same as you, you lunk.”

“That’s a swell cocktail, dollface, you’ll like it if you try it.”

Moon wasn’t afraid to chew out her partner when she reckoned he needed it. She had that look in her eye now.

Yancy wanted a mollified Moon. He silently switched their glasses.


Yancy went to the bar and got a packet of porky scratchings.

"WTF is that?"

"Goes great with beer, the guy said."

Yancy sipped his port and lemon. It was pretty good, actually. A bit like Pimms, whatever that was. He wasn’t sure.

"Uuuum, smooth!"

He pointedly ignored Moon until she felt obliged to open the porky scratchings.

Moon swigged down a quarter of her pint and grimaced. She wasn't used to British style bitter. No-one is, except the British.

"That hit the spot!" She said gamely.

Moon picked up a scratching and examined it closely. She put it into her mouth and began to crunch and chew.

Eventually she swallowed and took another swig of beer. Then she reached for the scratchings again.

Yancy took a scratching.

"Goddess, the scratchings make you want to drink the beer, and the beer makes you want to eat the scratchings."

"Shoulda stuck with port and lemon, maybe.”

Moon gave Yancy a hard stare. He avoided her eyes by concentrating on his drink. Eventually Yancy had to re-engage, though.

“Hey Moon, I’m sorry for teasing you. What you want to do next?”

“Huh. I guess I better finish this pint.”

“I’ll help you with the porky scratchings.”

He took a handful and began to feed his face.

Yancy really liked Moon. He liked her moxie. He liked her as a professional. He liked her as a comrade. He liked her as a girl.

When he teased Moon, that was a bit of the British Yancy leaking through. The British tease the people they like and feel close to.

“Yancy, to get down to business, what’s your take on this Head Patting case now we’ve had a few days on it?”

“I reckon we have to nurse it along for two weeks or so, and see if Victor can turn anything up from the inside.”

“I think you’re right.”

So that’s what they did.

For the next few weeks, the detectives spent a lot of their time on routine stuff while waiting for Victor to turn up leads.

Victor worked through her probation and looked for inside info. She snapped pics of delivery notes, invoices, and work rosters with her phone. She recorded snippets of Japanese talk and let Yancy interpret it. She checked the till records against the accounts books. She never got caught at all this secret snooping.

The detectives took all this information, followed it up, investigated it, and integrated the results into the overall case.

At the same time, Victor was getting trained in advanced head patting. She was a natural, as Mrs Suzuki had said. Victor had an instinct for the best way to pat a customer’s head, whatever style he or she had requested on the menu.

By the end of the month, Victor was able to drop her “green leaf” probation badge, and assume duties as a full-time head patter. She could do every pat in the manual; single-handed with either hand, double-handed, front pats, side pats, tousles, rubs. She could do it all, with brio and flair.

Eventually the detectives were ready to present their findings to Kou. They took Victor with them to the Mod Channel. The detectives togged up neat in their smartest trench coats and snap-brim hats. They took their gats for the sake of the aspect, but didn’t load them.

Victor wore a smart, dark blue trouser suit. It’s good to look your best when you visit the ruler of the server.

“Kou, we’ve finished The Case of the Head Patting Cafe. Here’s the dossier.”

Moon put it on Kou’s desk. It was pretty thick. The detectives had drilled down deep into the multiple layers of the investigation.

“Hm. Please would you summarise your findings for me?”

“Basically it’s the weirdest case we’ve ever been involved in.”

“What do you mean, Yancy?”

“No aliens, no spies, no time travel… No kidnapped Waifus or runaway Husbandos.”

“No drugs, no counterfeiting, no white slavery… None of us have been shot, bitten, or beaten up.”

“I haven’t had to jump off tall buildings, I can’t stand doing that and it happens nearly every time.” Yancy shivered at the memory.

"We've got nothing. Kou."

“I don’t understand, Moon. What are you telling me?”

“We’re telling you that The Kafé Kauda Kai is straight up legit. They’re absolutely clean. As sparkly as a brand new Tokyo bathroom.”

“They are nothing more than a bunch of Japanese people who believe in the power of head pats to make the world a better place”


Kou was boggled.

“To prove it, Victor’s gonna give you a head patting experience you won’t forget soon. She’s an ace.”

“What kind of pat would you like, Kou-sama? I have the menu here to help you choose.”

Kou was stunned by the news she had just heard. She really had expected the The Kafé Kauda Kai to be the front for a spy ring, or an alien invasion, or something like that.

“I won’t look at the menu. Please give me a popular pat with a bit of variation. Your suggested pat of the day, if you like.”

Victor gave Kou the best head pat ever. Both of them enjoyed it very much.

Because the secret of really good head patting is that the patter should enjoy patting as much as the pattee enjoys getting patted.

Yancy felt proud to see his Waifu so successful as a head patter. She was a pretty ace undercover operative too.

Moon was pleased to finish the case without any damage to her wardrobe. The agency’s bank balance looked good, the ammo locker was still full, and they had done all their drinking on Kou’s dollar. Plus, Yancy’s eye had not roved too much.

“Well. Thank you detectives, and thank you Victor, for all your hard work. I’ll read your report later, and come back to you if I have any further questions.”

“The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency is ready to help any time you want to call, Kou.”

The three of them left the Mod Channel and headed down to Social Media. They began to argue about where to go to celebrate their success.

Moon wanted Italian. Yancy wanted Chinese. Victor wanted to try porky scratchings.

They played Jan-Ken-Pon and Moon won, so they went to the best trattoria in the server, and stayed all afternoon.


© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

I'm writing a load of fiction. My latest story starts here... This is the index of all the stories...

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