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Welcome to my fiction on the Thunderhearts! Any C&C you have would be appreciated!

Chapter 1- A 5000 year wait.

I looked around the bleak cell. There were many forms of Brother-marines, standing up, sitting down and dead. Soon I would never have to set eyes on it again. What would I miss about the last 5 millenia of my life? Nothing. I've been betrayed by my leader, tortured by the Dark Eldar and watched many friends slowly suffer. Anzio, the traitor! One of the Emprorer's subjects and he betrays his whole chapter to the Dark Eldar? Why did we have to have the one chapter master who was unwilling to serve the imperium! I am Brother Kekinas, Chapter Champion of the Thunderhearts. We were a great chapter descended from the Raven Guard. Formed in the 21st founding we only fought for 54 years before we were betrayed. We were the ones who destroyed craft world Yssidum and who routed Waaargh! Rokthrowa. I have waited for help but I know it isn't coming. You give up after 5000 years. But now... But now is the time for freedom! It's not much of a plan, but the desired effect is all I need. I shall join honourable Brother Marines who have died before me. I've waited 5000 years for this, after I knew there would be no hope of help. And finally I take my final bow... A last battle. A chance to end it all...

Interesting chunk of fluff. You may want to clarify some things. It starts in first person then switches gears whilst staying in a single paragraph. I was a bit confused on whether the speaker is the 11th primarch? Personally I would never write about the second and eleventh primarch because the mystery of not knowing is a big part of what makes 40k awesome. You never truly know what's going on or who is good or evil. 40k is a gray environment and that's more realistic.

Any ways, in your title you reference thunderhearts yet you didn't mention them in your fluff. You may want to throw that in there. You may want to check your time line as well. If the speaker isnt a primarch then he would be 11 millennia old and that's unrealistic especially if he has been imprisoned the whole time.

I hope my constructive criticism helps a little. I think we need some clarification and a bit more stuff to really help with your fluff. Keep writing and working on it.

Ice

I haven't given away anything for suspense! I might edit it a bit and get rid of all the primarch stuff. The Dark Eldar have been rumoured to legthen the life of their prisoners to inflict as much pain as possible.

Thanks for the C&C anyway! I really aprreciate you giving up your time to read my fluff.

So yeah... After a long gap I decided to pick up the story again. I have only just got back into 40k.
Also if you read this before I've edited my previous posts, the narrator is not part of the second legion.
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What a life I have lived... I have been free for such short years of my life I only vaguely remember them... Just a few memories stand out. My first battle as a scout is one of them....

=====M36 - The planet bysmar'k at the height of Waaarghhh Rokthrowa=====

The sounds of the Jungle echoed around me, exotic birds chirruping, solar monkeys howling and the constant buzz of the countless insects that lived on this jungle planet. The light flitted in and out of the densely packed trees, which were as tall as titans. It was near the clearing by the Kewaskum falls I first heard the greenskins. Dyclan the Scout sergeant gave the signal to hold position. As we waited I overheard a conversation between to greenskins.
'Oi you wat chu' doing?'
'I'm taking yor shoota you grot tickla!'
'I'll krump you if you don't putit down!'
I then set my eyes on the two greenskins. They both were the average ork build. Small and stocky. A group of grots had gathered now, excitedly chanting 'Krump, Krump, Krump!'
Then the greenskin took the other ork's shoota. And the other ork pulled out a pistol and shot him in the face. A wave of nausea washed over me, I was still shocked by death... We had only just been inserted into the field of battle... I swallowed hard and ignored it. I was a Space marine! I shouldn't be disgusted by such things!
'In yor face!' The other ork shouted. He then preceded to shoot all the grots in sight singing a crude song that had the word krump in a lot. Barbarians.
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So this concludes the second part of my story! If I have any fluff wrong, or if there is any glaring mistakes, feel free to correct me. I will only get better with C&C!

As a scout he would of most likely have seen aspriants die during the trials of his chapter so maybe feeling sick was the best choice of words.

I like your story now you have gotten rid of the 2nd stuff, its quite good i have to say. Don't keep us waiting for part 3 too long, eh.

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:
As a scout he would of most likely have seen aspriants die during the trials of his chapter so maybe feeling sick was the best choice of words.

I like your story now you have gotten rid of the 2nd stuff, its quite good i have to say. Don't keep us waiting for part 3 too long, eh.

Thanks very much! I have changed the previous part a tiny bit just to change the fact that it wouldn't be the first death he had seen.

Anyway here is part three!
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=====M36 - The planet bysmar'k at the height of Waaarghhh Rokthrowa=====

We positioned ourselves around the stockpile. I was high up in a tree scanning the scene below with my binoculars, covered by my camo cloak. Most of it was scrap and items from dead orks. However in one corner I noticed something. Under a pile of scrap there was a thunderhawk gunship. I immediately new it was Corax's servant, which had been lost to mechanical failure over this sector.

Keki, do you read?

Dyclan's voice crackled over the vox.

'I read you, continue.'

Corax's servant managed to land safely but contact was lost with the crew minutes after. Can you see any sign of what happened to them?

I scanned the area but saw nothing else that was out of place. However I was informed otherwise when Jakob replied,

Look at the sentry on the right. He's carrying a bolt pistol.

He was correct, the sentry on the right was carrying a bolt pistol. And then, about twenty metres to the right I saw the bodies of my brother marines. Most were scouts who I had trained with, their bodies in different states of decomposition. But I noticed a couple were still alive, however they didn't look like they were going to survive much longer.
It started raining and the cool water was refreshing. We had been moving for two days and the heat had started to become unbearable. The orks all ran into some sort of metal shack that looked like a feather could bring it down.

This is our chance now. Dyclan seemed to have a plan. Keki, Jakob, make your way to the prisoners. They are our top priority. We are thunderhearts! We do not leave our own behind! Tysar you will come with me and we shall see if the thunderhawk is still in a usable condition. If it is we may have to defend our positions to let the chapter retrieve it. If it isn't Tomas will destroy it (Tomas was the scout who carried the missile launcher) as we do not want its weaponry in the hands of the orks. And if we are compromised the moment we are out of the blast range you will destroy it. Now move out!

I moved silently to the ground and met Jakob at the crude wooden fence constructed by the orks. We crept over to the bamboo cage which held the prisoners. The smell of rotting flesh overwhelmed my senses, it was like nothing I had experienced before. Of the thirty-four who were in the cage, just five were alive. They were from the 8th Company, all were assault marines, except for the ship's navigator. We signalled for them to stay quite, as the orks were only 50 metres away in their heap of iron. The navigator seemed unable to walk so Jakob and I had to pick him up and help him walk.

Suddenly an ork voice rang out:
'Oi where do you think yor going? Get'em lads!
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So that concludes part three!

After you do the next bit can you continue with when he is in jail and about to break out or die gloriusly in the atempt, then do another bit from his past when he is a fully flegged Astarte of the line. I think swapping between past and present would be a nice read.

Of course its up to you what you do, thats only what I would like to happen. Nice entry by the way.

Possibly, but the Bysmar'k battle is important...

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:
After you do the next bit can you continue with when he is in jail and about to break out or die gloriusly in the atempt, then do another bit from his past when he is a fully flegged Astarte of the line. I think swapping between past and present would be a nice read.

Of course its up to you what you do, thats only what I would like to happen. Nice entry by the way.

This sums up my opinions on the tale at hand, beside that I find it amusing

Thanks! I may not be able to get part four out today but your suggestions have been noted!

Just a short chapter on the story.
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20 minutes left...My vision is clear and true as the steps in the hallway thud closer bringing my heartbeat to a hightened speed. The haemonculi comes for me and my remaining few battle brothers, he comes to get his daily dose of pleasure and intrigue from his grotesque 'investigations' and experiments from our spent and torn souls. My hands are free from the twine that bound them, a trick my ancient father taught me on the feral planet I grew up on and a barely remembered strength returns to my fingers. I must be quick and precise, I must kill him before he kills me and my brethren. If I take his splinter pistol I can at least die with a weapon in hand like a true warrior of the Corax. I do not wish to die in this hole, I long to die in battle with my brothers at my side and to leave this world behind. All battles must have objectives and mine is to steal a shuttle and finally escaping from this accursed webway back to the Imperium. It is a fools dream yet it gives me hope, even if I know the Inquisistion will not let the survivors live as we would be tainted... I ease into the shadows near the door and feel the cold stone at my back and the blood pound in my veins as the key begins to turn in the lock. A single word forms in my mind.

Payback
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Most of this was written by Themanwiththeplan I just edited a little bit of it.

Edit 2: So I edited it a bit more...

Ignore post please

My intention is not to out do you just give inspreration. I give up all rights to the words above if you so wish to claim any as your own, then again you can just ignore my scribbles lol, sorry once again.

Well I'm better again after my illness over christmas! Themanwiththeplan's chapter is going to be used as mine is utter crap XD. Expect some updates soon!

Na it wasn't crap as I got all I wrote above from it, I only rearranged the word a little. Just tell me if you want me to edit the post anywhere and I'l try and keep my hands to myself in the future.

For my two-piece. I rarely bothers to read much about Space Marines, but Theman's chapter can be used as a guideline. But int he end add your own elements to the story. Your fluff, is yours, not anyone else. The thing that rankled me the most about your writing was that I see comments longer than your fluff. I do think knotting down 60k. words on a single sheet of paper is a bad idea. But adhering to the idea that the 100 word limit from school is still in effect is only stupid. After all the gak you post after your comment is longer than some of your fluff.

I like the general read, but there is too little to read between chapters, and I also sort of go for the carrot and the whip when I comment.

That's all I meant it to be was a guild line for ideas the bit I foolishly wrote Beaviz81, it was never meant to be a hijack.

Fair enough I'll change it at some point but I don't really have time to write 1000 words in a sitting as I am still a bit ill ATM and I am generally busy with schoolwork and revision. However I do appreciate the comment so I shall probably write some more on Sunday as I'm marshalling a motor rally all day tomorrow.

Unfortunatly the file which I was writing this on was deleted accidentaly. I now have too rewrite it. :(

Daw. This is great stuff!

Well thanks!

These poor Astartes (points to a picture of a Thunder Heart in chains) are just chomping at the bit to get away from this hell and escape from their way of life, or maybe at least go down fighting true to their warriors code and honour.

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Just two pounds a month could help feed them and cloth them in armour again, and help in their day to day struggle to kick ass against chaos and disease.

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