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Your thoughts on the race?
The race works. No problems here!
The race works, but it needs a few tweaks.
Hmm... Try looking at a few more sources. There are quite a few holes here.
Ooh... Not looking good... Maybe go back and rethink most of it; too many holes.

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Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Ok, now Reaper has been ignored, shall we continue?

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in us
Deadly Dark Eldar Warrior





Ignored or not, he's right.

Beg for mercy, not that it will help you - Asdrubael Vect.  
   
Made in gb
Barpharanges







 Mynameisalie wrote:
Ok, now Reaper has been ignored, shall we continue?


This is an Internet forum, everyone is allowed to participate, so I'm going to stay. Ignoring me doesn't do anything.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/10/18 17:51:51


The biggest indicator someone is a loser is them complaining about 3d printers or piracy.  
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Do not compare me to her.
It really does tick me off. And if you think I'm bad when I'm normal, I'm even worse when ticked off.

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in gb
Junior Officer with Laspistol





Desperado Corp.

Alie: If people start comparing you to Stephanie Meyer, you need to stop. Seriously.

And writing at a prepubescent age means absolutely Jack, mate. Without any sort of guidance or support from more experienced people, it really isn't worth anything. At all.

Seriously dude, just no.

Pretre: OOOOHHHHH snap. That's like driving away from hitting a pedestrian.
Pacific:First person to Photoshop a GW store into the streets of Kabul wins the thread.
Selym: "Be true to thyself, play Chaos" - Jesus, Daemon Prince of Cegorach.
H.B.M.C: You can't lobotomise someone twice. 
   
Made in gb
Barpharanges







 Mynameisalie wrote:
Do not compare me to her.
It really does tick me off. And if you think I'm bad when I'm normal, I'm even worse when ticked off.


So, when your criticised, you become worse?

That isn't a good thing, nor is the semi-passive aggressive stance that you take in posts like this.

The biggest indicator someone is a loser is them complaining about 3d printers or piracy.  
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





They haven't even read it!

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in gb
Barpharanges







 Mynameisalie wrote:
They haven't even read it!


Erm, uh what?

The biggest indicator someone is a loser is them complaining about 3d printers or piracy.  
   
Made in gb
Sadistic Inquisitorial Excruciator





Though harsh, I do have to agree with Reaper on some points. I suggest that you keep all our knowledge of your other exploits to a minimum and focus on this. The lynx started terrible and have improved somewhat. However, they still require work. A lot of it. You, my friend, have us here to help. Be that through criticism or cooperation. You just need to open your eyes and heed us. I remember when I wanted to start a custom faction, lost primarch, psy powers. The lot. I got shot down and back then, still being a stupid kid, I raged and ranted and ignored all criticism. I went so far as to tell people not to comment unless what they had to say was posative. I'm the same age as you, but I've made similar mistakes as you when younger. I learned a lot from them. On this forum, people are opinionated and usually half-way intelligent. Like Reaper, I've actually RP'd with him a few times, both her and on another site, I belive. He's a decent writer, makes decent characters. You need to listen to people like him and me and liquid and all the rest. Demetri seems knowledgable and helpful, listen to him. I'm willing to stick by you, listen to me. Joshi has been here and stuck by for a long time, listen to him. Listening is what you need to do. No matter what you want. My last four years of life have been about literature and still I have no idea on how to do somthing as monumental as compile a codex or come up with a large ammount of info on a race. Not without help. Such help comes in the form of criticism. Thats why this section of Dakka is useful. If you don't want to take criticism, don't post it.

We're here to help, but you need to listen to every voice, not just those that you like.
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





 blood reaper wrote:
 Mynameisalie wrote:
They haven't even read it!


Erm, uh what?

My point exactly.

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in gb
Barpharanges







 Mynameisalie wrote:
 blood reaper wrote:
 Mynameisalie wrote:
They haven't even read it!


Erm, uh what?

My point exactly.


So your point is?........


The biggest indicator someone is a loser is them complaining about 3d printers or piracy.  
   
Made in gb
Sadistic Inquisitorial Excruciator





He's talking about his novel. Apparently, we can't offer criticism from past and personal experience.
   
Made in gb
Barpharanges







 The glass ninja wrote:
He's talking about his novel. Apparently, we can't offer criticism from past and personal experience.


Thus, another point is proved.


The biggest indicator someone is a loser is them complaining about 3d printers or piracy.  
   
Made in us
Deadly Dark Eldar Warrior





Apparently when one has written over 300,000 words, they are no longer allowed to give advice.

Beg for mercy, not that it will help you - Asdrubael Vect.  
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





 The glass ninja wrote:
Though harsh, I do have to agree with Reaper on some points. I suggest that you keep all our knowledge of your other exploits to a minimum and focus on this. The lynx started terrible and have improved somewhat. However, they still require work. A lot of it. You, my friend, have us here to help. Be that through criticism or cooperation. You just need to open your eyes and heed us. I remember when I wanted to start a custom faction, lost primarch, psy powers. The lot. I got shot down and back then, still being a stupid kid, I raged and ranted and ignored all criticism. I went so far as to tell people not to comment unless what they had to say was posative. I'm the same age as you, but I've made similar mistakes as you when younger. I learned a lot from them. On this forum, people are opinionated and usually half-way intelligent. Like Reaper, I've actually RP'd with him a few times, both her and on another site, I belive. He's a decent writer, makes decent characters. You need to listen to people like him and me and liquid and all the rest. Demetri seems knowledgable and helpful, listen to him. I'm willing to stick by you, listen to me. Joshi has been here and stuck by for a long time, listen to him. Listening is what you need to do. No matter what you want. My last four years of life have been about literature and still I have no idea on how to do somthing as monumental as compile a codex or come up with a large ammount of info on a race. Not without help. Such help comes in the form of criticism. Thats why this section of Dakka is useful. If you don't want to take criticism, don't post it.

We're here to help, but you need to listen to every voice, not just those that you like.

I will at least allow you to see the introduction. It's not half-bad for an amateur. I mean it.
I appreciate the fact you're here to help, but all I see Reaper doing at the moment is whining, and not even bothering to ask questions on how, when, where and why. That is how I'll improve. By being asked questions. Demetri and Joshi have been a big help, and I have to give some credit to LL. Check the 4th page, he had a nice little go at an interpretation of these guys.
And thank you for the support.
This has actually given me an idea. Should I do it on a site where I can just regularly update the link? That way I don't have to upload, save as pdf etc.
Oh, Reaper, btw, you want Mary Sue? Check out the book: The World Of Robert Jordan's The Wheel Of Time. That has a very nice Mary Sue society in it, but the rest of the book is goddamn incredible. Think fantasy writing, and then some. It really is a good read, I'd recommend it.

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Here, If you don't like it, I won't be offended.
Spoiler:
I am going to begin this story with a warning.

IF YOU ARE UNDER 13, PLEASE CLOSE THIS WINDOW OR GO BACK A PAGE. CONTAINS: STRONG VIOLENCE AND STRONG LANGUAGE. THANK YOU.

And now, on with the story...

Prologue

The scene was grim.

The sky was blood red, a eerie reminder of what had taken place just a few hours ago. The air was choked with ash and dust, and the earth was drenched in blood. Corpses, both of Chaos and of Lynx, littered the ground, some piled high into makeshift barricades against a hailstorm of bolter rounds. Some trees were still left standing, but were blackened and stunted; burnt or blown to pieces by fire from both sides. 3 billion Lynx, slaughtered in just 48 hours.

Alyan trod on, his padded feet making hardly a sound as he trudged through an ankle-deep concoction of crimson blood and churned up earth, and the occasional severed body part. His snow white fur was stained a dirty red from falling face down into the sludge he was now treading through. A ceremonial blade, made of an admantium-silver alloy hung at his waist, along with a beautifully decorated and extensively modified Lance Pistol. Warrior Princes were usually equipped so. Not that they needed them, anyway. The ebony claws hidden in the soft pads of their hands were easily sharp enough to claw through Power Armour, but Alyan had always felt safer with a gun, even if it was a pistol. For that reason, he had his crafted by a specialist artisan and modified to fire monomolecular tipped Silvite Shard at a velocity approaching Mach 5. He hadn't met a single creature who wouldn't die from a single, quick headshot by that gun.

His highly-tuned ears picked up the scraping of metal on rock. He whipped around, pistol drawn, to see a bolter pointed straight at his head, in the hand of a Chaos Marine.The markings suggested his legion of origin to be The Black Legion. Obviously Chaos had had another attempt at corrupting one of the Lynx's Silvite Towers; only this time, they had succeeded. The Chaos Marine had time to fire but two shots before one from Alyan's Lance Pistol pierced his helmet and ejected approximately 65% of his brain tissue out the back of his skull. The Larraman's organ was capable of inhumn feats of healing, but repairing a large amount of lost brain tissue was not one of them. The Marine died instantly. The bolter rounds, however, exploded harmlessly against Alyan's psychic shield. The Lynx were a lucky race; to have been blessed by the Goddess with the power to manipulate the Warp to their whim. Shielding was but one of the many applications of such power Alyan knew of.

Continuing his search for survivors, Alyan hastened his pace. There must be a at least one survivor amongst the masses of bodies scattered across the ground! Alyan secretly hoped his brother had survived the onslaught, but the chances of this being true were low. Very low. The Pawns of Chaos had obviously learnt from past encounters; even the precious Silvite Matrices that each and every Lynx wore on their forearms had been looted. To have such pure, sacred artefacts stolen by these foul scum was blasphemy. Not just against the Goddess, but against the Lynx's very morality. Alyan spat on the helmet of a nearby Black Legion Marine. He hated every last one of them. Every last one of the bastards were a stain on the beautifully woven silk that was the Milky Way.

Suddenly, a silvery-grey glint on the forearms of a Lynx with white fur and the markings of a Terran tiger caught Alyan's eye. He sprinted towards the source, hoping whoever it was was still alive. He cleared the 200 metre gap in less than 8 seconds. His heart dropped as he neared the Lynx. No, he was certainly dead. Suddenly, Alyan recognised the markings. They were of his brothers. He tried to push the thought out of hi head. But the eyes persudaded him otherwise. They were blue. Sadron had blue eyes. Deep blue. The corpse at Alyan's feet was, indeed, his brother's.

Alyan was stunned. Sadron was the only Lynx he trusted. You couldn't trust anyone these days. His mother had died when he was only 8 years old, and his dad had left long before that. Alyan had turned to his brother for everything. Whenever Alyan had needed help, he had sought Sadron out. Whenever he needed to confide in someone, Sadron had always been there. At Alyan's Crowning ceremony, Sadron had been the one to announce his elevation to Warrior Prince. Sadron himself had been a Bladelord, one of astounding quality and wisdom. And now he was dead. Just like that. Judging from the masses of bodies piled around him, Alyan knew Sadron had taken a last stand against these sons of bitches, and damn near won. But that didn't help to soften the depression and anguish that was rapidly building up inside. The only Lynx he had ever trusted, ever truly loved, killed by the greed of Chaos. It wasn't fair! He had done so much for so many people, and they had gone and killed him! IT WASN'T FAIR! Alyan burst into tears over his dead brother. He cried and sobbed for what must have been 20 minutes, before a soft voice spoke in his head.

"Alyan? Don't be sad. I didn't die in vain. I fought to the very end. Now look up for me,"

Alyan looked up, and there, floating in mid air, was an apparition.

It was Sadron.

I'm guessing you guys already understand their basic anatomy, correct?
There are going to be some ferals making their appearance in the book, but they're not going to be very major.

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in gb
Barpharanges







With that post, you have proved your incredible ignorance once again.

The biggest indicator someone is a loser is them complaining about 3d printers or piracy.  
   
Made in gb
Sadistic Inquisitorial Excruciator





Even whining helps. Listen to it, see the flaws in your race from it.

Use it.

Everything can be used, even me screaming at the top of my lungs that your race is perfect. That'll just tell you that I'm an idiot. We both know that your race isn't perfect, thats why you need to listen.

And please, do not post the intro. Please please please. If you feel the need, PM it to people, show them, but this thread is for the LYNX not for your NOVEL.
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





The novel is on the Lynx. The thread is just generally about the race. I didn't really specify...

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in gb
Junior Officer with Laspistol





Desperado Corp.

Lonelictor is respected here for a good reason Alie; he writes very well, and has the rep to prove it. The first thing I learned about this site is that the occupants don't water down their advice. It's blunt and to the point, which can be harsh on a newbie. The plus side is that you develop a thick skin, and learn to take criticism. Reaper is being helpful in his way, but you see it as "whining". What we all want is for you to write something that is worthy of publication, and worth sending to GW. What you have now isn't, and splitting your efforts into a novel too won't help.

Trust us on this. Leave the novel, focus on the 'dex.

And cheers glass

glass is right, take it down. It's just a distraction.
And ghosts are a massive cliche, as well as a massive plot device to drop this early in. Not grimdark enough either.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/10/18 18:16:04


Pretre: OOOOHHHHH snap. That's like driving away from hitting a pedestrian.
Pacific:First person to Photoshop a GW store into the streets of Kabul wins the thread.
Selym: "Be true to thyself, play Chaos" - Jesus, Daemon Prince of Cegorach.
H.B.M.C: You can't lobotomise someone twice. 
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





 blood reaper wrote:
With that post, you have proved your incredible ignorance once again.

Excuse me, but when have you tried to help these guys get better?

I recall hardly anything that has been any use. That may just be me not seeing what you're saying, or just you haven't managed to get the point across entirely.
I'm very narrowly keeping this from being locked here. Very narrowly.

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Did any of you check the intro?
Just wondering.
I'll leave the novel alone for now.

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in gb
Junior Officer with Laspistol





Desperado Corp.

See edited post.

Pretre: OOOOHHHHH snap. That's like driving away from hitting a pedestrian.
Pacific:First person to Photoshop a GW store into the streets of Kabul wins the thread.
Selym: "Be true to thyself, play Chaos" - Jesus, Daemon Prince of Cegorach.
H.B.M.C: You can't lobotomise someone twice. 
   
Made in gb
Sadistic Inquisitorial Excruciator





Not a problem bro. We all just need to help when we can, and in our cases, thats called being plain cool.

Now, I reccommend, Ailie, that you write up a complete summarry for what has developed so far, so that we can pick through it and consider what's good and whats not.
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





 liquidjoshi wrote:
Lonelictor is respected here for a good reason Alie; he writes very well, and has the rep to prove it. The first thing I learned about this site is that the occupants don't water down their advice. It's blunt and to the point, which can be harsh on a newbie. The plus side is that you develop a thick skin, and learn to take criticism. Reaper is being helpful in his way, but you see it as "whining". What we all want is for you to write something that is worthy of publication, and worth sending to GW. What you have now isn't, and splitting your efforts into a novel too won't help.

Trust us on this. Leave the novel, focus on the 'dex.

And cheers glass

glass is right, take it down. It's just a distraction.
And ghosts are a massive cliche, as well as a massive plot device to drop this early in. Not grimdark enough either.

I just don't see the advice he's giving me. I don't know what exactly it is he wants me to change: it's too general! I need a particular target!
Oh, and I had it planned to the point actually where it wasn't Sadron at all. It was a Tzeentchian daemon impersonating him. And lying to him.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/10/18 18:18:39


Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in gb
Sadistic Inquisitorial Excruciator





Follow my advice guy. Summarray, then we can all pick it apart and tell you specifically what needs changed.
   
Made in gb
Junior Officer with Laspistol





Desperado Corp.

I think his target is everything. To be fair, he's not massively off. You're just going to tackle it in chunks.

Edit: What glass said too.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/10/18 18:19:28


Pretre: OOOOHHHHH snap. That's like driving away from hitting a pedestrian.
Pacific:First person to Photoshop a GW store into the streets of Kabul wins the thread.
Selym: "Be true to thyself, play Chaos" - Jesus, Daemon Prince of Cegorach.
H.B.M.C: You can't lobotomise someone twice. 
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Summary?
Ok...
Should I just say everything I've got in my head right now that is really what I have set solid, even though it might not be evaluated by you guys?

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
Made in gb
Barpharanges







 Mynameisalie wrote:
Summary?
Ok...
Should I just say everything I've got in my head right now that is really what I have set solid, even though it might not be evaluated by you guys?


It will be, fully evaluated in every possible way.

The biggest indicator someone is a loser is them complaining about 3d printers or piracy.  
   
Made in ae
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





I meant the things I haven't yet revealed as well.

Currently attempting to put together a homebrew non-canon Space Marine chapter. If I can be bothered to getting around to painting the models and putting the things together of course... 
   
 
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