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Heyy guys, just a quick intro.

So this is my second Eldar short story that I've got on the go at the moment due to me suffering from some serious writer's block on the other. It's centred around Caradril, a Warp Spider, and Craftworld Alaitoc's battle to decide the fate of the Nyxos Sector.

Like the last story, this will be built upon in short 500-600 word parts which I hope to get up at least once every 2 weeks.

Criticisms are definately encouraged - let me know what you think,

Thanks in advance,

Iranna.

Part One


Caradril enjoyed this part. Like a creeping shadow, he followed the human scout through the forest, ever just out of sight. His eyes followed his prey’s every footstep as they brushed the overgrown underbrush, holding for the Farseer’s signal – waiting patiently for his kill command. His squad mates too stalked the Space Marine scouts who had unknowingly become trapped in their web – they too lusted for their opportunity to strike.

The forest around them was silent, as if its inhabitants watched anxiously to observe the inevitable battle. Like bullets ricocheting off of a steel wall, the sun struggled to shine through the thick canopy of trees – the darkness of the forest cloaking the spiders in their hunt. Caradril could sense the thrill of the chase hang in the air – it was thick, tangible. Like an enveloping shroud, it filled the air around him, creating a haze with which only his bloodlust pervaded. He could not afford for his emotions to cloud his judgement however. Using the techniques shown to him in the aspect temple, he quashed his rage, banishing it to the depths of his psyche.

Finally, the Farseer motioned for them to close – her telepathy alerting the hunter-pack, to avoid giving their position away. Caradril’s warp jump generator hummed in to life like an anxious gyrinx and in an eye blink he appeared before the unsuspecting human. Before the space marine scout could even register his position, Caradril had levelled his deathspinner and coldly opened fire upon the human – encasing him in a monofilament coffin which constricted him to death.

Caradril spun to see Exarch Melyenna engaged in a short-lived dual between herself and the pathetic human sergeant. Parrying the primitive human chainsword, her powerblades dug deep into his flesh, cleaving through his bright-red armour and leaving him disembowelled on the forest floor. More humans appeared from a clearing to the east, the roar of their boltguns setting Caradril’s nerves on fire. One of the warp spider’s torsos burst in a shower of blood as a bolt round penetrated his armour.

Caradril reacted instantaneously, his warp jump generator carrying him onto a bulky branch above the human reinforcements - ready to rain death upon their heads. After losing two volleys, he jumped away behind another of the scouts. With a swift kick, he knocked the human to the ground and fired his deathspinner point blank into the back of his head. Caradril could feel the bloodlust rising once again, attempting to usurp his aspect training, goading him into frenzy. He resisted, focussing even harder on the task at hand – trusting his training to hold himself back.

Melyenna however, showed no such restraint. Having become trapped on her path many years ago, she had become locked in an endless state of war. Her fluid strikes with her powerblades showed her years of combat experience as she danced and weaved her way through four of the humans attempting to assail her. With elegant pirouettes and dextrous strikes, the humans were slain one by one in Melyenna’s dance of death.

Caradril gazed around him; ten human corpses lay at his and his squad’s feet, the flies that had fallen victim to the spiders.

Melyenna activated her com-device;

“Farseer, it is done”

“Excellent, instruct the hunter-pack to return, the space marines will no doubt return in greater force.” the Farseer’s voice was cold and cracked in the static interference.

“Very well, hunter-pack out”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looks good so far. I always enjoy a good battle scene. Though, I wonder what the meaning of the title is right now. Perhaps this will be explained in later installments?

 Dr. Temujin wrote:
Looks good so far. I always enjoy a good battle scene. Though, I wonder what the meaning of the title is right now. Perhaps this will be explained in later installments?

Thanks, glad you liked it

And yes, the title will become apparent as the story progresses.

Iranna.

I say this was a fancy read, even for a xeno But seriously great work. When can we expect more?

 Trondheim wrote:
I say this was a fancy read, even for a xeno But seriously great work. When can we expect more?

Thanks, glad you liked it!

Hopefully by Friday I'll get something up - 6th year at school is really busy!

Iranna.

Quick question for those who may have read this: Would you prefer a female antagonist or a male?

Iranna.

It dose not mater for me, just as long as the character in question is interesting and engages me in the story

Don't ask us, ask yourself which would suit the story better. The inherent differences between what a male would do and a female would do could very well alter a great many parts of the story, and make it seem unbelievable if you planned for one and got asked to use the other, forcing anything from rewrite of a small section, to a complete overhaul of the plot.

Assuming you have an idea already in your head, as well as where you want to end up and how you want to go about it, just compare how it would play out with each gender, and settle on which one feels more natural. A story could have an exceptional plot, but if the main enemy doesn't fit, then it'll mean nothing, because the reader will not be as engrossed. Nothing can be more distracting and dissuading to a reader than an out-of-place character.

Since (s)he is going to be the antagonist, you'll have to develop his/her personality further than that of Joe Bloggs, the expendable soldier who speaks a single line to the main character in one of the chapters, and is never mentioned again. Since males and females differ in personalities, and one's personality often dictates one's actions, this can and will affect the story.

If the antagonist murdered an allied group of males by seducing his or her way into their house, then that would suit a female more than a male, and can cause trouble if you already planned for the antagonist to be a burly male with battle-scars, missing teeth and a penchant for ruthless dismemberment. That's not to say that it couldn't be a male, but it would have to be a more precise type of male, whereas most female characters could seduce their way into a male group. If you can afford to restrict your antagonist to suit a single plot device, then go for it, otherwise, don't.

If, for any reason, you find that the gender of the antagonist would have little, if any effect on the story itself, then by all means, ask which gender your audience would prefer, but if there's doubt, or if a certain gender would suit the antagonist better than the other, then go for the gender that suits the role. I guarantee that most, if not all, readers will vastly prefer a good story where everything fits, as opposed to a story where the antagonist is visibly out of place, but is of a gender they liked. There's also the fact that by asking, you could alienate readers who chose the losing gender before they even read the story.

Iranna, I really enjoyed this much! Your writing style has taken a huge improvement!

Eagerly waiting for more

Also @Avatar agree 100%

 Avatar 720 wrote:
Don't ask us, ask yourself which would suit the story better. The inherent differences between what a male would do and a female would do could very well alter a great many parts of the story, and make it seem unbelievable if you planned for one and got asked to use the other, forcing anything from rewrite of a small section, to a complete overhaul of the plot.

Assuming you have an idea already in your head, as well as where you want to end up and how you want to go about it, just compare how it would play out with each gender, and settle on which one feels more natural. A story could have an exceptional plot, but if the main enemy doesn't fit, then it'll mean nothing, because the reader will not be as engrossed. Nothing can be more distracting and dissuading to a reader than an out-of-place character.

Since (s)he is going to be the antagonist, you'll have to develop his/her personality further than that of Joe Bloggs, the expendable soldier who speaks a single line to the main character in one of the chapters, and is never mentioned again. Since males and females differ in personalities, and one's personality often dictates one's actions, this can and will affect the story.

If the antagonist murdered an allied group of males by seducing his or her way into their house, then that would suit a female more than a male, and can cause trouble if you already planned for the antagonist to be a burly male with battle-scars, missing teeth and a penchant for ruthless dismemberment. That's not to say that it couldn't be a male, but it would have to be a more precise type of male, whereas most female characters could seduce their way into a male group. If you can afford to restrict your antagonist to suit a single plot device, then go for it, otherwise, don't.

If, for any reason, you find that the gender of the antagonist would have little, if any effect on the story itself, then by all means, ask which gender your audience would prefer, but if there's doubt, or if a certain gender would suit the antagonist better than the other, then go for the gender that suits the role. I guarantee that most, if not all, readers will vastly prefer a good story where everything fits, as opposed to a story where the antagonist is visibly out of place, but is of a gender they liked. There's also the fact that by asking, you could alienate readers who chose the losing gender before they even read the story.

Thanks for the advice Avatar, I shall be sure to keep it all in mind!

Bobakos wrote: Iranna, I really enjoyed this much! Your writing style has taken a huge improvement!

Eagerly waiting for more

Also @Avatar agree 100%

Thanks, I'm hoping to have it up Saturday, just need to transfer it onto the computer!

Iranna.

This is quite good, I hope you do more.

 Manchu wrote:
This is quite good, I hope you do more.

I have it ready to be transferred from my laptop, but I've lost my memory stick!

It may just be time to retype.

Thanks,

Iranna.