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Trooper Calix's head rocked back and forth as they decended, right into the belly of the beast. The dropship was shaken as ordanance slammed into her hull, the mssive engines began to whine as the gigantic ship began its final decent. 180 men alone were on Calix's deck alone, the guardsman of the Dronian 11th's 2nd company and the dropship carried the entire regiment. Calix thought about his familly whom he dearly missed, he had last seen them 9 months ago before he got the letter which told him he was being conscripted. The chaos uprising on Novaria had gotten out of hand and local guard regiments couldnt keep it contained. Impeial.commanders called in more regiments in fear of the incursion spreading. His thoughts were brutally torn away as another heavy round slammed into the drop ship and Calix was violently shaken in his harness. 'ETA 30 seconds!' the deck chief cried out over the roaring of the dropships engines.

The ship hit the ground with a surprissing ease, 'On your feet guardsmen, form up in your squads and take point on the door. Remember your training and you will survive, now we will be the first company out so we gotta find cover and support tbge advance of the rest of the regiment, ooh ah Dronians'. 'ooh ah' came the 2nd companies reply to there company commander, major Vorn. Calix's squad was the 4th away from the massive ceremite plated door, he prayed dearly to the god emperor that they would never open. 'Weapons check!' Sergeant Arimov called, Calix's squad leader. He loaded his mk 36 las carbine, checked his ammo and equipment, then cried 'ooh ah sarge' to signal he was ready, but truthfully he wasnt not mentally anyway. The pressure seals disengaged and the armoured door of the dropship fell to the earth. The guardsmen began to charge out of the mouth of the ship but the entrenched traitors began to rain bullets into their ranks within seconds. Guardsmen fell and cried out as heavy calibre shells ripped through them. 'On me!' Calix heard his sergeant cried and ran to the sound of his voice, shells bounced off of the ceramite plating of the ship and two men to his left fell violently off of the deck ramp as they were penetrated by the large rounds. Blood splated accross his face, he could literally tast death. His boots hit the solid earth and he sank a little, the ground was muddy and wet and some troopers began to fall over, although he couldnt tell which had been shot or those that had just fallen over. 'Calix, this way boy!' sergeant Arimov called, and Calix found him and the remains of his squad huddled behind a boulder and a few large rocks. They were pinned down but he couldent find any more cover, so he ducked his head and ran for it. He could he his commrades being slaughtered as they attempted to gain some form of a foothold on this godsforsaken battle field. He was with in jumping distance and a heavy stubbe had him in its sights, heavy rounds began smashing into the earth all around him, he dived behind the boulder and was raised to his feet by Arimov. 'Glad you could join us Calix' said his sergeant. He looked back to the dropship just in time to see the second wave of guardsmen being cut down as the attempted to get off of the ramp. 'Look! Over there its the colours, the major has a squad and there firing on the damned traitors.' Cried a guardsman from Calix's company, he wasnt sure if he was in his squad though. The major seemed to lf rallied a few squads of guardsmen and they had taken cover behind a small ridge, they were slowly being picked off but they were buying time so that the other guardsmen could disembark the massive transport. 'Your right Vaihill, Guardsmen get into a firing position and lets get some las into those bastards.' Calix crawled to a medium size rock and rested his las rifle on it and aim down his sights into a bunker that was spitting death into his commrades, he could just make out the traitors inside through the haze accross the field. He guessed they were about 100 meters away, the dropships had brought them in as close as they could. 'Fire!' Arimov ordered, and around 20 guardsmen including Calix unloaded into the bunker, between the Majors fire team and Calix's position, the bunker diverted its fire. Stubber rounds bounced off of Calix's rock and he was forced to duck. He saw a missile launcher team set up and take aim at the bunker from the majors position, it fired and the missile sailed into the bunker and detonated its munitions and it exploded in a great ball of flame. They team was immediatly targeted by another bunker and they were shot to ribbons under a hail of bullets. But the reprive of one bunker was enough and by now the remnants of the 11th were. fully disgorged. 'Men with me, for the emperor!' cried Vorn over the vox, and with a roar the 11th raised from there cover and charged at the enemies positions, Calix included. He was running as fast as he could, trying not to slip in the mud. The slaughter resumed as the another hail of bullets strafed the 11ths charge. Now the traitors were lobbing mortar rounds into their ranks, men were thrown into the air a the rounds blasted chunks of mud and human limns sky high. Only 20, more meters to go thought Calix, only 20 meters till the trench line. Once again his thoughts were violently interrupted as he wa rocked and sent spawling through the air. He hit the ground with a hard thud, and could see boots rushing past him, he was dazed and confused and finally, the world went dark to him.

Look for part 2, should be up soon

part 2 chapter 1 here http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/482193.page#4866170 ( much more detailed and better written )

I apoligize for misspelling or bad gramme, but im typing on my pphone haha its far from easy

Very fast. Head spinning.

Slow down the action/dialouge combo just a little bit. There's a great example of something similar to what you're doing here. It's in the IG story "Fifteen Hours". Definately check it out, should be able to find it at any bookstore. Dialouge and action are important to have, but if you smash 'em together too much, your writing ends up looking Orky.

Cool concept though. Definately check out "Fifteen Hours" if you get the chance.

Paragraphs. Needs more paragraphs.

yeh ive read 15 hours, good book. thanks dont worry pt2 will be much better

sorry to.anyone interested and waiting For part to, i was nearly fineshed and my damn computer died on me, i dont know when ill put it up cos im pretty devastated right now :( but hopefully ill remember what i was writing. why do bad things happen to good people?

 Galactica-actual wrote:
sorry to.anyone interested and waiting For part to, i was nearly fineshed and my damn computer died on me, i dont know when ill put it up cos im pretty devastated right now :( but hopefully ill remember what i was writing. why do bad things happen to good people?

There's no reason to be devastated. I've lost about 6 pages of different stories and concepts I've written about my guys. I keep going because coming up with new stories is more fun than continuing my work on the originals. (Yes, I am quite weird). Just have fun with your stories! The person that you ultimately have to please is yourself.

haha i appreciate that man hopefully this will be better now, ill count my original as my draft

 Azariah Kyras wrote:
Paragraphs. Needs more paragraphs.

This goes for part 2 also, my head hurts after reading this one.

yeh this was just for fun mate, i was bored and decided to jot down the ideas i had in my head, thats a bit harsh man...

You ask for our opionions, and you got them. Do not ask for what you will not take heed of!

yeh but you can put it nicely

 Galactica-actual wrote:
yeh but you can put it nicely

No, when I am faced with something that gives me a headache I loose that ability. Show a will to lisen to what folks say and you will be amazed of how much pleasent you are percived. The lord almigthy knows that most of he fan fiction posted here on Dakka reeks of Mary Sue and horrid story telling.

Edited by Manchu

Please limit comments to constructive criticism. Thanks!

Thanks man! sorry about the offensive comment to