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man....these stories are terrible Never happened to me before, not one that I can remember at least. I'll probably get one sometime in my future though.

 ENOZONE wrote:

Mattman154 wrote:
Nope. You win

Made me Lol.

These are some pretty good stories everyone. I view it sort of as therapy, a good laugh at what you may have done in the past just clears the path to the future so we don't repeat what moronic things we've already done. I'm pretty young, so I have quite a bit more idiotic things to do too - I just won't be repeating anything posted on this board.

Yeah youth and humiliation seem to go hand in hand.

 Ouze wrote:
I know the mods do not like image macros, but I feel this image, being more educational then humorous, might be OK.

OMG this. What was I thinkng

I took a job in a medium sized country town, the town and shire were merging in to a single entity and so I took a contract position to get their accounting systems in order. The council(s) were happy to put me up, and asked if I minded sharing with someone, as they were renting a place to someone in the unit of the old Infant Health Centre, and it had a second bedroom. I said that'd be fine.

Turns out she was an old lady, who smoked like a chimney, and was estranged from all of her family and rather bitter about everything. We were polite to each other for that first week, but when I left to go back home to Perth the next week she got rather bent out of shape about it. I don't know why she thought or cared that I'd remain in town, but it really set her off. The next week she started getting more and more intense about strange stuff. She would tell me strange anecdotes from her family, which would generally end with me guessing who's side she took, so I could just take the same side and she'd stop agreeing. I guessed wrong most of the time. I'm not completely convinced any of the stories were true.

I spoke to work, they said they'd look into alternate accomodation, but the town had a crucial shortage. Another week went by, she was getting stranger but by this point I was set up in my room, and only came out to cook dinner. I was figuring out a schedule that meant I never saw her, and I was working about 12 hour days so I had bigger issues.

One day at work the Finance Manager came in and told me he'd just got a call, my 'roomie' had rung him and told him I couldn't stay in her house anymore and that I had to get my stuff out of there right now. As in, get your stuff out now or she'll put it out on the street. He said he'd just been arguing with her, because she said she was changing the locks, and he was trying to explain she can't do that because it isn't her house - it's a flat attached to a government building. I went around and collected my stuff, and while I was taking my stuff out to the car she was following me, back and forth, with this bitter old lady stream of consciousness spewing from her mouth. I told her I had no idea what I'd done that bothered her, but I'm glad I was leaving because I don't need any more of her crazy psychodrama. That got her more angry.

I snapped and told her she was going to die alone.

I honestly still don't know what I feel about having said that, to be honest. I mean, I know it's a really cruel thing to say, and far and away the cruelest thing I've ever said, but I just don't feel that bad about it.

Well terrible was at a recent Halloween party I came out of a back room and a girl was bent over in the hallway in front of me in her very skimpy costume, picking something up. I commented "Wow nice to come out of the room to a face full of a**!". She laughed and went down the hallway and some dude comes out of the bathroom next to where she was standing, looked at me and asked: "Who's a** is that?". I just pointed at the girl and said "hers". To this he replied: "Oh you mean my girlfriend?", I just shrugged and said "Yep" and continued on my merry way, Caeser costume and all, didn't really know what else to do, but wasn't worried about the guy at all.

Funniest thing I have said at work (I take inbound collection calls for the IRS) was when a taxpayer called in and sounded like he had a really heavy Spanish accent and didn't understand English well so I offered to transfer him to the Spanish line. He told me he was Philippine, I had to put him on hold I was laughing so hard.

 sebster wrote:
I took a job in a medium sized country town, the town and shire were merging in to a single entity and so I took a contract position to get their accounting systems in order. The council(s) were happy to put me up, and asked if I minded sharing with someone, as they were renting a place to someone in the unit of the old Infant Health Centre, and it had a second bedroom. I said that'd be fine.

Turns out she was an old lady, who smoked like a chimney, and was estranged from all of her family and rather bitter about everything. We were polite to each other for that first week, but when I left to go back home to Perth the next week she got rather bent out of shape about it. I don't know why she thought or cared that I'd remain in town, but it really set her off. The next week she started getting more and more intense about strange stuff. She would tell me strange anecdotes from her family, which would generally end with me guessing who's side she took, so I could just take the same side and she'd stop agreeing. I guessed wrong most of the time. I'm not completely convinced any of the stories were true.

I spoke to work, they said they'd look into alternate accomodation, but the town had a crucial shortage. Another week went by, she was getting stranger but by this point I was set up in my room, and only came out to cook dinner. I was figuring out a schedule that meant I never saw her, and I was working about 12 hour days so I had bigger issues.

One day at work the Finance Manager came in and told me he'd just got a call, my 'roomie' had rung him and told him I couldn't stay in her house anymore and that I had to get my stuff out of there right now. As in, get your stuff out now or she'll put it out on the street. He said he'd just been arguing with her, because she said she was changing the locks, and he was trying to explain she can't do that because it isn't her house - it's a flat attached to a government building. I went around and collected my stuff, and while I was taking my stuff out to the car she was following me, back and forth, with this bitter old lady stream of consciousness spewing from her mouth. I told her I had no idea what I'd done that bothered her, but I'm glad I was leaving because I don't need any more of her crazy psychodrama. That got her more angry.

I snapped and told her she was going to die alone.

I honestly still don't know what I feel about having said that, to be honest. I mean, I know it's a really cruel thing to say, and far and away the cruelest thing I've ever said, but I just don't feel that bad about it.

Sometimes the truth is the cruelest thing we can say.

 Avatar 720 wrote:
Sometimes the truth is the cruelest thing we can say.

Exactly. If I said that to a young person, or someone with a lot of friends and family it wouldn't have been anything. But she pissed me off, and I replied with most hurtful thing I knew about her.

Okay, I promised two stories, so here they are. One horrible, one horribly awesome.

First one: I was at soccer (football for the people who know the right term) camp as a kid, and there was a girl in my group that I had a bit of a crush on. Our instructor picked up on something she did, mimicked it and said "Okay, so here I'm Caitlin, etc etc" and pretended to be her. Me, as a 10 year old, turned to the girl and said what was MEANT to be "wow, he makes a pretty ugly 'you'," and instead came out with "wow, you're pretty ugly." 17 years later, I still feel awful about it. I mean, she was incredibly good looking, and I felt like horse-gak. She still is very good looking-saw her a couple years ago. At least she didn't let it ruin her by believing it and making herself look terrible.

Second story, time to laugh: I had a real uptight manager at one of my jobs, he didn't have a sense of humor. I had to change that, since my friend/boss was moved to a different facility at college and this guy replaced him. Got him to loosen up, he accepted my goofball nature and the fact that I wasn't ever serious. One night, leaving work I asked him "Hey man, are you going home to sleep with your wife?" He looked at me quizzically and responded "yeah...why?" I told him straightfaced "well, when you do, give her a thrust for me." He stared at me, jaw dropped, then burst out laughing, telling me that he'd have broken the jaw of anybody else who dared say something like that to him, but he knew my personality and that it was just some good ol fashioned ribbing.

So there you go-one awful story, one hilarious, but they are probably two of the worst things I've ever said.

It is more embarrassing than anything else

in high school I was looking at a girls butt and said what I was thinking really loud

"Your ass is awesome"

thanks brain. =/

 Piston Honda wrote:
It is more embarrassing than anything else

in high school I was looking at a girls butt and said what I was thinking really loud

"Your ass is awesome"

thanks brain. =/

You should do that more often, lmao

I'm not trying to one up anyone here, but I've got one last story I've got to tell before I shut up about how stupid I am -this is seriously the worst, I didn't want to say it at first because I thought it'd stop people telling their stories and just judge mine.

We hosted a foreign exchange student from Germany for a year in my mother's house when I was a senior in high school. He was a year younger than me, but he was vibrant, inquisitive, and looked up to me for "American advice." i.e., what do say, how to dress, who's parties to go to at my high school. He was basically my little brother I never had, as I grew up an only child. He grew to trust me immensely, until one day we ended up playing paintball together. After running around for awhile and getting really tired, we took a break and got to talking about the current president: George W. Bush.

We both agreed he was bad, but after hearing that the American military had slaughtered hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians, Bush had a less than 40% approval rating, and the US looked like it was in a long a grueling affair - I expressed my frustration with my president by relating it in the worst possible way to a German national.

You guessed it. I said that Adolf Hilter was a better leader than G.W. Bush.

In those exact words,

I guess in a historical sense I was right, but that wasn't the point. Sure, Hilter galvanized a nation stricken by war, famine, and crushing treaties into a world superpower and set the path for Germany to be the great nation it is today, but the price to pay was unimaginable.... and to even suggest to a kindhearted German that the genocidal maniac that was Hilter was in any way shape or form beneficial to the German people compared to GW. Bush, not to mention that once someone misinterprets your English and the emotion begins to take over.. ......

..... Tears were shed, and I swear that kid wanted to go home quickly as possible. I don't blame him. We didn't speak to each other for weeks, and I could barely look him in the eye for almost a month living with him. Eventually we made amends, but even to this day, remember the terrible humiliation some Germans face when the topic of Hitler is brought up - even when you believe they can understand what you mean - it's not always clear.

I was eating with a lady friend of mine and she wasn't hungry so I joked "What are you, anorexic now?" needless to say she did not see the humor in the joke.

I have never said a single mean thing to anyone in my entire life. A gentle soul, twas ever thus, because as we all know, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

 LumenPraebeo wrote:

 Piston Honda wrote:
It is more embarrassing than anything else

in high school I was looking at a girls butt and said what I was thinking really loud

"Your ass is awesome"

thanks brain. =/

You should do that more often, lmao

Oh, I have had plenty of foot in mouth moments. In particular in college and at work with my boss.

My Boss was leaving work early to travel. So as she was leaving I told het to enjoy her trip.

Turns out she was going to her aunt's funeral........ Oops

@ENOZONE: Ouch! That really wasn't a smart thig to say, lol!

Luckily, I've never really offended someone by accident... yet...

Few years back. It wasn't me but one of my soldiers. Got into a alcohol related incident over some BS but made it on the "Blotter Report". So monday morning at 0900 We had to go stand before the Man (Company Commander). Commander gave him the riot act and eventually asked why he did it. In all dead seriousness and right out of the blue the brainiac replied "I'm ashamed to be in the Army". Loud enough where the First SGT heard it in his office. Then we went to Battalion....and then we went to Brigade. He got 14 days restriction and 14 days extra duty. Day three he felt it was unfair that he was punished and then came all pissing fire and eating brimstone and argued with me. I gave him three chances to return to duty but the "F*** You" comment to me in front of troops and that he walked away from me which pissed me off. I pressed and got him 45 days restriction, 45 days extra duty, minus one rank, and 200 dollar deduction. Either that or spend 90 days at USMC Disipline Barracks at Lejuene

So my boss has a bandaged thumb and he tells me he almost sliced his thumb off. He shows me a yucky picture on his phone he took of his injury. His thumb, poking up, bloodied, with some whiteness near the injury (it was puss).
Intrigued about the whiteness, I ask
"Is that your bone errr....?" I say "errr" because I was thinking of what else the white could be and couldn't come up with anything. Obviously it came out a bit wrong.

I was chatting up a lady who was from South Dakota. Specifically, the western side.

I said, "Not much out there. Well, at least you've got the Corn Palace?"

That was pretty much the end of the conversation.

The worst thing I've ever said to someone by accident was actually on purpose... the "horrible accidental things" are usually not so bad that I can't recover from what I said, but the worst thing is what I didn't say... this is going to require backstory... Many DCMs will recognize this story from our tales of woe thread, but I feel that this is the worst thing I've done...

As a jerk, I've accepted date applications to my fraternity's formal dinner/dance the past 2 years. I did it as a joke so I could have a reason not to invite my ex-gf. The first year I did this, I didn't get any applicants, so I went by myself, had fun at the open bar, and read some Eisenhorn while there (which cost the same amount as a ticket for my date). I did this back in March of this year, and actually got 2 applicants. I didn't think I'd have the money to take either one, so I was kinda backing out but one of them said that she would pay because she really wanted to go with me. I was kinda like... "eh... okay...????" And then the following happened as played out through my posts in the tale of woes thread...

Alfndrate wrote:The young lady that I'm taking to my fraternity's formal was overheard by one of my friends, and her supervisor, that I begged to take her to my fraternity's formal.

Kinda regretting my decision to choose her, but she looked good on paper. Professionally she looks good, but man she is a lying something or another.

So we go and I get back and make a Bat rep of the evening...

Dinner was excellent, a buffet of Lemon Chicken with Mushrooms, Pork Tenderloin, Ziti pasta and sauce, Potatoes Au Gratin, and Green Beans Almondine.

Open bar... I had about 20 drinks(probably watered down)... But I'm stone cold sober...

Why? Because I ended up taking this girl, had a horrible evening, and got bitched out by one of my brothers who is a close friend of hers... I tried dancing with her, but we were playing rap music (how do people dance to this?!)... So I did what I ALWAYS DO! I danced with other people, jokingly asked girls if I might cut in and then dance with them and their date before high fiving and moving on. I'm a horrible dancer, so this is generally the only way I can enjoy myself while on "the dance floor"

She storms out of the building, (just as I got bitched out). This kid told me that I brought a girl, so it was "All about her man"... I told him to feth off, that this was our fraternity's formal, not her's (technically all really old sororities are fraternities, because they didn't have the word developed yet). I'm ticked off and want to go outside, but she is out there so I sit down, tell several people to feth off and stew in my anger. She comes back in, I leave and go back outside.

I come back in sobered up cold air + anger man... holy hell...

So we tried to dance. Now she's got a boyfriend, so I'm completely okay with... NOT dancing like they do in the clubs... if she were single, it'd be another issue entirely... So she tries, and I step back and keep dancing... Apparently I "disappointed her"... mission accomplished?

On the very awkward ride home, I was in the back seat, my drunk friend took the other side, and she sat up front... I tend to fall asleep in cars. So knowing that I'd probably snore on the ride home (thus making her not want to be around me more), I put on my iPod, and fell asleep... We got off of the highway, and I woke up, but stayed "asleep" and once we dropped her off at her dorm, and I waited till we were around the corner, and sat straight up...

Am I a donkey-cave? Yes... Do I really care? No... The women says she loves her boyfriend, but I know she'd drop in a heartbeat... so I don't really care... just going to relax with Breaking Bad, and some nice cold drinks

She still hasn't talked to me... it's been 7 months...

 Ahtman wrote:
A gentle soul, twas ever thus, because as we all know, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

What a cromulent saying.

Not a story the OP asked to provide, but this touches upon one of the subjects discussed so far:

Another job I had, on the wall in front of the desk I inherited someone had posted a number of "common sense" items. I can't remember most of them, but one was "Never lick a Steak Knife".

The only other one I remember is "Never ask a Woman if she is Pregnant unless you see her giving birth".

That is perhaps the most wise bit of advice I have ever read....

 Ahtman wrote:
I have never said a single mean thing to anyone in my entire life. A gentle soul, twas ever thus, because as we all know, a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

Lies. Out with your filth!

Once (I think I was about 17), while drunk with friends outside the pub, we were all enacting lines from Blazing Saddles, which had been on that evening as was a new film for us.

I got up to put a fake gun to my head and uttered the famous lines 'don't shoot or the.... etc etc' and everyone started to laugh and then their laughs faded and they all looked behind me, aghast.

I turned and saw that a black family had come around the corner, the father covering the ears of his little girl and them looking at me like I'd just shot someone. I think I remember shrinking to about 3 inches tall and mumbled 'but it's in a film' or something before hanging my head in shame and staring at the floor as they walked past me. To his credit, the dad patted me on the shoulder and said 'it's a very funny film but you got to be careful about that word' and I nodded and said sorry again.

Highly embarrassing.

Only man to get away with a racist film that all enjoy is Mel Brooks. No one will ever forget Mongo

I say terrible things to people all the time, but never by accident. You should all be ashamed!

 MeanGreenStompa wrote:
Once (I think I was about 17), while drunk with friends outside the pub, we were all enacting lines from Blazing Saddles, which had been on that evening as was a new film for us.

I got up to put a fake gun to my head and uttered the famous lines 'don't shoot or the.... etc etc' and everyone started to laugh and then their laughs faded and they all looked behind me, aghast.

I turned and saw that a black family had come around the corner, the father covering the ears of his little girl and them looking at me like I'd just shot someone. I think I remember shrinking to about 3 inches tall and mumbled 'but it's in a film' or something before hanging my head in shame and staring at the floor as they walked past me. To his credit, the dad patted me on the shoulder and said 'it's a very funny film but you got to be careful about that word' and I nodded and said sorry again.

Highly embarrassing.

that father, wins epic black guy of the day award. That's an excellent approach to the situation. kudos to that guy!

and that rivals one my buddy said. i'll share for him.

I used to hang out at the local *$'s biker spot. its a mixed bag of people, all riders so we always had something to talk about. One night we're all chopping it up about rides and such, and one of our locals known as OG (because he is) is a mid 50's black dude. He's usually drunk (and riding, scarews the heck out of us) and carries about 17 knives on him (not a joke, we watched and laughed as a cop searched him one day, took out 17 blades) and honestly, he's a pretty cool guy. We would always rib each other and crack jokes, but I always got a big hug and a warm welcome from him (still do when I see him).

So anyway, my buddy known in those parts known as "tree trunks" is almost my identical twin brother. and we're laughing, OG said something about Trunks and he turns out to the crowd and said "oh N(egro) please!" (mind you, Tree trunks is a 6'6" white guy like me)

That got immediately akward REALLY fast. about 4 of us tried to spin the conversation away from the dreaded N word, but OG had already come to terms with what he heard. needless to say, he was NOT pleased. Trunks meant no harm from the comment, but in truth, all that comment does IS harm. we all left very shortly afterwards.

 Jihadin wrote:
Few years back. It wasn't me but one of my soldiers. Got into a alcohol related incident over some BS but made it on the "Blotter Report". So monday morning at 0900 We had to go stand before the Man (Company Commander). Commander gave him the riot act and eventually asked why he did it. In all dead seriousness and right out of the blue the brainiac replied "I'm ashamed to be in the Army". Loud enough where the First SGT heard it in his office. Then we went to Battalion....and then we went to Brigade. He got 14 days restriction and 14 days extra duty. Day three he felt it was unfair that he was punished and then came all pissing fire and eating brimstone and argued with me. I gave him three chances to return to duty but the "F*** You" comment to me in front of troops and that he walked away from me which pissed me off. I pressed and got him 45 days restriction, 45 days extra duty, minus one rank, and 200 dollar deduction. Either that or spend 90 days at USMC Disipline Barracks at Lejuene

Couldn't he just leave and quit? Seems like the guy was a sucker for punishment...

 Kovnik Obama wrote:

 Jihadin wrote:
Few years back. It wasn't me but one of my soldiers. Got into a alcohol related incident over some BS but made it on the "Blotter Report". So monday morning at 0900 We had to go stand before the Man (Company Commander). Commander gave him the riot act and eventually asked why he did it. In all dead seriousness and right out of the blue the brainiac replied "I'm ashamed to be in the Army". Loud enough where the First SGT heard it in his office. Then we went to Battalion....and then we went to Brigade. He got 14 days restriction and 14 days extra duty. Day three he felt it was unfair that he was punished and then came all pissing fire and eating brimstone and argued with me. I gave him three chances to return to duty but the "F*** You" comment to me in front of troops and that he walked away from me which pissed me off. I pressed and got him 45 days restriction, 45 days extra duty, minus one rank, and 200 dollar deduction. Either that or spend 90 days at USMC Disipline Barracks at Lejuene

Couldn't he just leave and quit? Seems like the guy was a sucker for punishment...

funny that, NO, you can't just up and quit the military.

Part of a Best Man speech after finding out some rather messed up things about my buddy that was getting married:

"I hope this works about better than the girl he was married to 6 months ago"

They'd been dating for a year.......We're not friends anymore oddly enough.