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Author's note: The facts of this is debatable at least.

Uriel Septimus was a captain of the Ultramarines. He was about to hold a grande speech to the loyal Imperial followers of mankind standing in the open square infront of his plateau. He strode forwards. "Dear subjects of Ultramar first and foremost, the Imperium of Mankind second. Today I'm holding this grande speech for you."

Spread jubilation followed. Septimus convinced himself he was starting greatly. "Never have so many like you have so few to thanks like me myself and my fellow Ultramarines." A roar from the crowd followed as he continued the speech. "We will fight until the last breath, and make sure you will also fight with us until you can no longer breathe anymore." The Ultramarine continued as the crowd cheered on him. "You will likely die for the honor of the Emperor and the infallible Primarch Robute Guilliman, we will survive to fight yet again." The crowd continued to cheer. He smirked to the Veteran Sergeant standing behind him. He couldn't see the facial expression of the man as he whispered something to him as he wore a helmet.

"Now I must take my leave of you." He strode forward. "Up, up and away." He jumped, but as he jumped his jetpack went out of power. He plummeted instead squashing several civilians as he landed. He tore through the pavement, entering into the sewers. One was smashed through the terminal velocity of Septimus. Another one was smashed as well, an Ogryn or two was smashed into sludge as Septimus continued to fall.

Then at the third he landed. His face and frame was covered in gak. He looked up. He glanced right at his ancient foe. The Nurgle-worshiper Insanely Disgusting Diarrhea Danny. "Bloody crap." He murmured as he realized none had heard anything of his rousing speech due to his jetpack being turned on.

Up, up, and away, lol I know ultras like to think they're superman but that took the urea.

Are you doing this on a phone?

Your last part was confusing when you talk of falling through things and people.

It's ok but it needs some work. Sorry if I sound harsh but that is not my intension only help.

It's okay. The story was born out a drunk mind and a Pondus-story (a very popular Norwegian comic).

I sort of took the self-importance I acociate with the Ultramarines, mixed in every quote I could think up and added their arrogance, then I turned on the blender.

The last part was meant to be Grimdark and funny, he squashed many living things as he fell. It's sort of WH40k. Of course this is just a short story, nothing long, but I like the thought of having an Ultramarine Captain holding a really horrid speech and proceeding to jump off a tall building. Honestly I just wrote it to amuse myself.

This is really poorly written...
If you wanted to make it an entertaining short story it'd be possible but as it is...well it's not particularly funny...

purplefood, my purpose for writing is first and foremost to entertain myself. Then people with the same humor as myself. You for me is how a Space Wolf would see Szobczak (a humorless and cantankerous Dreadnaught of the Deathwatch). You might have humor, but I think it's better that we stop responding to each other as our interpretations of anything regarding 40k. is so vastly different. Face to face we might have been able to sort it out. Over the net, not a chance. Basically this a an offer of a truce.

I can deal with different interpretations of 40k(To an extent at any rate). That's not the problem I have with this. If you write for yourself and then for others there is no point posting it online... unless you only want people posting and saying that they like it...

You get better results with a kind word purps. I have little good to say about impolite persons. It's a major thing for me, and sure you can drop politeness a tad if you a person well or something like that. But in general I'm very much into it.

As for my writing, yeah I write mainly for praise, then for constructive critique. Having it panned, not at all. If I pan something in general I adhere to the ancient adage: "Have nothing good to say, then say nothing." But that's me.

I was polite. I have never been impolite while reviewing anything. I was merely being truthful. The idea has merit but it requires a re-write in my eyes. Just because you dislike criticism doesn't make it impolite. Incidentally if you have nothing but good things to say about something while reviewing it it's not particularly useful for the writer. You have to point out weak points, bits that didn't work, stuff that needs removed etc or it won't improve.

 Beaviz81 wrote:
"Have nothing good to say, then say nothing."

Probably should not have written that story then, if you were adhering to that saying.

Then point out how it shall be differently written instead of just panning it purps. You told me it was not funny and poorly written, nothing else. And half the point of criticizing for me is the praise. Sour-bellying has little place in my mind.

It was just a story I found funny Dwhitey, sorry that you thought otherwise. But I tend to adhere to what I wrote.

It's a game for God's sake, you do it for a laugh, same with the writing, you do it at your own leasure and for a simple laugh.

 Beaviz81 wrote:
Author's note: The facts of this is debatable at least.

Uriel Septimus was a captain of the Ultramarines. He was about to hold a grande speech to the loyal Imperial followers of mankind standing in the open square infront of his plateau. He strode forwards. "Dear subjects of Ultramar first and foremost, the Imperium of Mankind second. Today I'm holding this grande speech for you."[/img]
The start of this is extremely wooden. Exposition is non-existant, where are they? What are they doing? Why are they doing it? Try and describe his feelings about giving a speech rather than just saying it. Also try describing the character. His physical appearance, his bearing etc. A plateau is a high flat bit of ground. I don't think that's what you meant. Balcony would be more appropriate. You also spelled grand incorrectly.

Spread jubilation followed. Septimus convinced himself he was starting greatly. "Never have so many like you have so few to thanks like me myself and my fellow Ultramarines." A roar from the crowd followed as he continued the speech. "We will fight until the last breath, and make sure you will also fight with us until you can no longer breathe anymore." The Ultramarine continued as the crowd cheered on him. "You will likely die for the honor of the Emperor and the infallible Primarch Robute Guilliman, we will survive to fight yet again." The crowd continued to cheer. He smirked to the Veteran Sergeant standing behind him. He couldn't see the facial expression of the man as he whispered something to him as he wore a helmet.

This bit isn't as bad.
The first two sentences make no sense. I assume you meant 'Widespread jubilation followed' and something along the lines of 'Septimus convinced himself he was starting out well' It would be better served with something like this 'The crowd cheered, and Septimus began to get into the full stride of his speech'.
The speech itself is a nice idea. An obvious parody of the inspirational speeches usually given by marines and at the same time something that would probably be more truthful and more faithful considering who gives them.
'He smirked to the Veteran Sergeant standing behind him. He couldn't see the facial expression of the man as he whispered something to him as he wore a helmet.'
This is a very strange pair of sentences.The sergeant wasn't mentioned at all until now, so it's a bit weird bringing him in now so i'd cut that sentence or just replace it with 'He smirked to himself'.
The second sentence is really weird. I'd just cut it as it adds nothing.

"Now I must take my leave of you." He strode forward. "Up, up and away." He jumped, but as he jumped his jetpack went out of power. He plummeted instead squashing several civilians as he landed. He tore through the pavement, entering into the sewers. One was smashed through the terminal velocity of Septimus. Another one was smashed as well, an Ogryn or two was smashed into sludge as Septimus continued to fall.

Now it kinda starts to sound as though a 12 year old has written it. Before it could have been an old, world weary captain telling the truth to a crowd of idiots.Now it sounds like a crappy buzz lightyear...
I really don't know how you would re-write it...
I'd replace it with a different scene personally, maybe continue the speech a bit and have interactions with similarly world weary veteran marines that make up his command squad.

Then at the third he landed. His face and frame was covered in gak. He looked up. He glanced right at his ancient foe. The Nurgle-worshiper Insanely Disgusting Diarrhea Danny. "Bloody crap." He murmured as he realized none had heard anything of his rousing speech due to his jetpack being turned on.

This is kinda pointless as well...
If you chose to replace the previous part this could also be replaced with the captain and his squad boarding a rhino and simply running down pedestrians...
Maybe they bump into a scout squad who are still virtuous enough to try and stop him or something.

I get what you are trying in terms of humour but it needs cleaned up and tightened up to make it work properly.
The last part just degenerates into something which isn't particularly funny...

Man how you completely missed the point purps. For this one the speech was supposed to be crappy. I basically took a superhero that forgot he couldn't fly, called him an Ultramarine, and slammed him into the story (which was the purpose of the story). He is supposed to be a crappy imitation of Buzz Lightyear or an Ultramarine. It's nothing serious. I honestly thought it to be perfectly explained to theman.

Maybe I should have better explained it than just doubt how canon it would be, but it was a cruddy attempt of being funny, and I guess it didn't take. The thing I left out is the gigantic blackboard stating: Cheer or else... Showing a threatening picture of an Arbitrator or commissar. It was meant as black humor, especially the last part with him realizing that the crowd had heard nada due to his jetpack.

Where is that explained at all?
None of what you just said came across in that...

 Beaviz81 wrote:
It's okay. The story was born out a drunk mind and a Pondus-story (a very popular Norwegian comic).

I sort of took the self-importance I acociate with the Ultramarines, mixed in every quote I could think up and added their arrogance, then I turned on the blender.

The last part was meant to be Grimdark and funny, he squashed many living things as he fell. It's sort of WH40k. Of course this is just a short story, nothing long, but I like the thought of having an Ultramarine Captain holding a really horrid speech and proceeding to jump off a tall building. Honestly I just wrote it to amuse myself.

That quote. That explains the whole lot purps. Maybe we shall just keep our distance.

Having to explaining the story outside of the story isn't a good sign...
Never mind.