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Please Remember this story is still in the process of be edited

Galaxy Current State
The entire Galaxy is controlled by the United Systems Collation. A human run government formed from the old governments of earth. The entire galaxy has been relatively peaceful, till the Leaders of the USC were assassinated by a cu from the members of a terrorist cell. Immediately afterwards humanity fractured into multiple states. Humanity found itself at war with itself again. The Aliens they once fought together now either allied or neutral or too dangerous to fight. Humanity being the most advanced species outside of the Jorahians. Humanity two major factions are the Old Government’s remaining leaders, and the new government manipulated by the terrorist cell. The terrorist's cells plan is to unite humanity under its rule, they believe that humanity has strayed and is enjoying the fruits of its passions. (work in progress for that part)

Humanity fights against itself and its enemies might strike while it is weak. Already Aliens have begun reconquering its worlds that were taken from humanity. Already human worlds have become active war zones. The New Government being protected from the alien creatures

The USC remnants still remains the same, the old inner planets having been taken by the terrorist cell. Its new home world and its new center is the world of Vita Domus, a world that has space orbiting docks and defense systems that rivaled the Old Earth’s defense network. Its leaders are brilliant masters of diplomacy and war. Many of its leaders have had political positions before their rise to being leaders of the USC. The USC has a large armada and a secret super soldier Program Code Named The Praetor Project. Its military is large and well equipped but are inexperienced in close quarters.

The Praetor Project has produced some of the most well equipped soldiers the galaxy has ever known. Being produced before the assassination of the old government, the Jackals the super soldiers being developed during its time are examples of human brilliance, hundreds of years of studying in the fields of genetic manipulation, muscle replication, psychosis, cloning and DNA studying. Jackals are the most well equipped soldiers and professional as humanity can get. They stand as the same size as regular humans varying in intelligence, strength, size, mass, and many other things. The Jackals are perfect warriors, if not for their drawbacks of being genetically engineered, Jackals are not recruited, they are created from the DNA of powerful soldiers, replicating them and splicing them into the perfect soldiers. They also suffer from not having much social interaction with other humans. They are Soldiers, and Warriors. An Ordinary Jackal is able to take damages that would kill an ordinary human, their bodies are able to heal themselves rapidly. As an example a Mk2 Knight Tank which payload could destroy an entire platoon of regular USC soldiers and other vehicles, can only cause a Jackal to become extremely angry that he or she is being fired upon.

Armor and Weapons
The most common armor in humanities possession are Ignatius Armor, which, features gravity suppression, breathers, protective sunglass, self-diagnostics, auto repairing armor, retroactive armor which protects against kinetic, laser, sun, plasma and energy weapons. Though they have their breaking point in that if too much power is exerted upon them they will slowly run out of power to do the features it is installed with. Each suit is limited by its power, which it gathers from nearby natural or unnatural light, it is also powered by a generator which is located within their packs which produces energy for the suit to move.
Feron Armor is the more advanced version, but is heavier, bulkier, and more advanced. Unlike the Ignatius Armor, the Feron armor projects a shield against weaponry and can protect the user against infections and administer aid if the body of the user was compromised to toxicians, or any other unknown materials. Feron Armor is the 2nd best armor that humanity has created. It is usually used by the heavy infantry such as the elite Vermiculus Equiti. Who use it to break lines and board cramped ships. It also adds a bit of height to the average human. The only danger is that the armor sometimes will shut down if not well kept.
The Obsidia Armor is latest and up to date version of Armor. Able to resist tank shells and self-powering through unknown means, the Obsidia armor projects an even more advanced shield; the armor itself is slimmer, slicker, and stronger. The Materials used are highlighted in black ink preventing anyone from reading what materials are used. The Only users of the Obsidia armor are the Jackals. Who are the only ones apparently that can use it with the armor collapsing upon them and squishing the body out of existence.
Weapons
The Standard armament is the 31-KESG (Kinetic Energy Submachine Gun) which fires kinetic energy such as bullets, using advanced procedures there is a solid piece of metal that is used for ammunition. Within is nothing but solid metal. Immediately when the trigger of the weapon is pulled a selected amount of metal is then automatically taken from the metal grabbing only a small amount to make a single round of ammo. This all happens within Nano seconds, enabling for automatic fire. The weapons speed is then determined by the user or the weapons design itself. It fires roughly faster than 2x times’ supersonic speeds. The weapon is similar in construction to modern day weaponry.

The standard vehicle killer is the RDO-5040 (Rocket Dispersion Ordnance), which is very much similar to the weapons of the 21st century but instead the rocket implodes… Then explodes after detention, making the vehicle extremely damaged. It can also penetrate tank armor if correctly handled.
The Anti-Infantry assault weapon is the Ion DBR. Firing powerful ions that move as fast as light, is able to burn away flesh with little to no problem. It is also useful against light vehicles. It even has a heavier version of itself which is able to unleash more havoc and contains more ammo.
The next weapon is the Laser Rifle, which is used to focus energy at a single point making the object explode from the inside out.
The Anti-Infantry or Anti-Material Rifle known as The Achiles Rifle.
The jackals weaponry is known across the galaxy as being hyper lethal. Their main weapon is the MG Hammer 317-81. This weapon then pierces and stops electrical activity even a suit of Feron Armor is defeated by such ferocity by a single shell. The Hammer’s firepower is limited compared to heavier version of itself. But it is considered an Assault Rifle by many top military distributors. Though it is only used by the Jackals.





Black Inked

Katie saw the entrance to hanger bay peered at her. It was calling her name furiously. She sat in the drop ships troop compartment; her armor had lights and plated enough to cover all of her body. Her head was the only thing exposed, if anything it looked like medieval armor with upgrades. Her helmet had a large golden visor a triangle in shape, the rest of the helmet was multiple metals combined together, giving it a shining green, it was shaped in the form of a dragon.

The Dropship which was shaped like a dove, held her, it drifted through space, and the ship began its careful descent into the hanger bay of a mammoth of a ship. The doors of the hanger bay slowly opened letting in the Black Dropship in, it had delivered its precious cargo. It drifted slowly to the ground of the hanger bay.
The Ship in orbit, orbited a gas giant, it was a swirling purple, a great place to hide due to its electrical storms and magnetic storms. They would remain undetected.

“Door opening.” Came a computer voice. Katie looked at the face that appeared on the screen.

“Welcome Praetorian Project Aspriant, Katie-Alpha-195. To, the Helios Class, Cruiser, it is named the Storm Guard. Praetor Project Captain John, is you CO of your operation.” The computer voice began. Katie largely ignored the computer’s sentiments and enquerries. It
Katie looked towards the entrance of the Dropships entrance which had fallen to show its new arrival. Katie saw Praetors in front of the hatch of the dropship. Katie recognized the cold blue of the Captains Rank among the Praetors before her. Praetors were known to be legends, their bodies were genetically altered at inception, they are genetic clones of some of the hardiest soldiers and bravest men and women, humanity has ever seen. They were the best soldiers that humanity had to offer. This gave them a feel of superiority as many of them had been given extended life spans to serve as soldiers. All they knew was war.
Katie moved down the ramp. The Dropship left immediately as she got off the ramp. She saluted.

“Katie 195 reporting for duty sir!”

She stood in a salute.

One of them shook their head emphatically, seemingly knowing that this happened to them a lot. The Captain walked up to her, he was a foot taller than her. Which, she had never had happen before; she had never felt so small. “At ease Katie 195, or do you prefer Kat? It seems you are uneasy, so we are giving you a nick name, and we have to be leaving here very soon.”
The Captains face was scared beyond belief, his face had scars from inhuman claws, but his blue eyes seemed to stare right at her soul. He was bald like most military, and a face that was stout and brave looking. Blue lines were on his face and his armor. Which was white color, he was bulky, and immense in size, but was dwarfed by some of his men.

“Kat, would be fine sir.” Kat replied. She just wished to get a move on the mission.
The captain’s eye brow rose.
“All right…. Kat this is our squad, I am John Lex, for this mission you must refer to me as Captain or Cap, any derogatory wordings of my name will be swiftly dwelt with.” He eyed the Praetor with flame burns across his face. He began swiftly with introductions.
“This is Alpha 124, please don’t ask him his name, just call him Hawk, he is our close combat master, one of the best soldiers I have ever commanded.” Kat raised her gaze to Hawk, who had yet to remove his helmet which mimicked a Knights Helmet of medieval origin, but it seemed far more advanced than anything she possessed or knew existed. It had vents in the front, for where he could recycle incoming particles, it seemed as if it was a giant instrument. Emblazed upon his shoulder was a sword with an hour glass as its hilt a symbol painted in a deep red and green. On his arm was a sword, why he would he ever need a close combat weapon like that, was beyond Kat. His armor was a shimmering brown.
“Right next to Hawk, is Bruce Haynes Alpha 400, or ‘Warder’, he is our marksmen. Don’t anger him or else you will find a fun trip returning to gestational orbit with the planet below.” The Captain said to Kat. She inspected Bruce from a distance. Bruce lifted up his hand in acknowledgement, he seemed calm and patient. He bore military cut hair. But like most of his compatriots he had blue eyes. He was not as massive as Hawk, but he seemed the elder of the two.
The Captain Continued “This is Jason Alpha 312 or Neibs he is our specialist in all things explosive. He is also our pilot.” The man looked static, his face possessed flame burns, his eyes were as blue as the ocean. His armor was a deep blood red. He waved his hand in acknowledgement. “Then last and but not least is Tyler Marks Alpha 513, our expert machine gunner, he will handle communications.” Tyler seemed shorter than the rest. But like Neibs and the rest, he sported blue eyes. His armor was highlighted in orange. His face was considerably moderate compared to his fellows.
She soon grew accustom to the sight of the six of them.
“So what is our mission Captain?” Neibs spoke up, he held his gaze upon the Captain.
“There is a dialect ship that needs exploring and detonating, it is on collision course towards a colony world.” The captain retorted. His voice sounded like ice.
Kat looked at the captain, many questions came up in her mind. But someone beat her to the punch. Warder spoke up. “Captain, why not destroy it? We have cruisers. Why can’t they handle it.”
“Good question, but the engines are online and it is within a solar system, which means the engine will disintegrate an entire planet’s surface. It is a very old design, and probably has a deadly payload. It is in orbit around a colony world of around Four Billion people. So we need to get a fusion bomb to the engine core, detonate it and the fusion bomb will send that sucker to another dimension. To make matters worse, there might be an escapee within the ship.”
“Oh. Well, that makes it quite complicated doesn’t it?” Neibs spoke up. “When are we leaving, Cap?”
“In 10 minutes. Get your weaponry and get those fusion bombs ready.” The captain spoke up with a commanding boom in his voice.
10 minutes passed, as Kat sat in the dropship, Hawk stood at the entrance to the dropship, he seemed impatient compared to the others.
“Do you ever talk Hawk?” Kat asked. Her tone seemed impatient as well.
“Only when talked to or asked to.” Hawk answered. Hawk had turned his helmeted head towards Kat. “By the way the Captain is here.”
Kat eye brow rose, she thought to herself, he is the most weirdest individual I have ever met.
The Captain walked aboard with the rest of the squad, the squad took their seats except for neibs who walked towards the pilot seat, activating it quickly and closing the door of the ship. They began to move away from the giant of a cruiser they had been aboard.
“Looks like you treated Kat well, Hawk! Looks like we might need to break you two up.” Tyler joked, he moved to seat and sat down strapping himself into the jump seat. Warder walked in and shook his head.
“Lock it down Tyler, like you ever had a chance at beating Hawk at anything. Maybe at a who can remove their helmet first after a mission?” Warder replied to Tyler. The captain laughed swiftly, Hawk seemed unmoved by this and was ignoring the conversation all together. He seemed to be talking to himself. But at a level that none of their advanced hearing could even pick-up.
Neibs spoke up. “Sir you may want to sit down, the Testronious Light Device is activating.”
“Copy.” The Captain sat down and strapped himself into his seat. Hawk remained standing. He reached down and activated his boots which clunked to the ground.
“Four hundred years and will still can’t learn how to dampen these damn things.” Warder shook his head.
Kat eyed Warder he seemed to hate flying.
“Five, Four, three, two, one.” Neibs spoke up from the cockpit.
They instantly felt the force pass through them, but their seats protected them from the force, Hawk seemed unaffected by it. Apparently he was accustoming to it.
Kat on the other hand was shaking furiously as the energy seemed to flow through.
Neibs spoke up to the crew. And the energy stopped flowing. “We are here lady and gentlemen!”
“There it is!” Neibs spoke up.
Their ship seemed indescribably small compared to giant it was near. It was a monstrosity of steel and metal, old unused gun turrets and massive prow cannons, capable of laying waste to entire fleets.
Kat looked at the ship, it was massive, at least 2 kilometers in length. If it were to be destroyed it would destroy entire solar system. No doubt it was above cruiser class, maybe even above a carrier. But it seemed too flawed to be anything but a cruiser.
Hawk hit the lock that disengaged the torpedoes. “Unfortunately this ship has no hanger bay so we will have to board it with Ship Boarding Torpedo’s.” John Began. “Hawk has already seen that. And gone ahead of the game. Warder you guide us when we get in there. Alrighty?”
“Yes Captain.” Warder said as he slid into the circular tube, it fired instantly. The tear drop pod streamlined towards the ship that they were boarding.
Kat watched, she had only done this once before.
“Captain.” A voice came from the vox. “Area is secured from what I can see. But you may want to put on your helmet.”
Hawk immediately slid into his tube immediately shooting himself towards the cruiser.
“Neibs stay onboard this bird, least we need extraction.” John ordered to Neibs. Neibs nodded his head from the cockpit.
“Yes Captain.”
Kat walked towards her tube, it had swirling orbs of electricity signifying it was ready for transport. These small tubes were boarding craft for elite soldiers and were equipped with self-destruct frequencies if tampered with, they also had a function of returning back to its original source. Kat slid into her tube, and it instantly recognized her. It fired as she entered. She was surrounded by liquid that engulfed her as she entered. This reduced the impact that was sure to hit the tube.
A solid clunk and drilling noise came from the tubes computer. A green light appeared on the tube.
She immediately kicked down on the bottom of the tube, She exited it and kneeled. She rubbed off the liquid of her helmets visor. She looked around the circular area, it was a mess hall, metal tables and barely functioning light sources emitted a little light. Old trays rusted lay strewn on the ground. It was empty save for the five of them. She stood up.
“Thermal is useless here Captain.” Warder spoke up, he disengaged his assault rifle.
The Night vision on her visor kicked in. She looked through the visor. Hawk stood with his weapon at a ready. The chamber was infested with living organisms, it had become a haven in space, the animals kept in captivity seemed to have been released from their holding cells. Such was a usual for ships of this size, to keep an animal population to feed the crew.
“Captain?” Kate spoke out. She read something on the ground it was a lunch tray, ‘Specimen G’ was carved all throughout it.
Warder Held his assault rifle in held postion. His helmet was curved to give him the look of a knight, a little slit of orange, where his visor was. He did not care for the droplets that fell from the ceiling. Tyler looked at the ground, he was studying it. With intensity. “Captain I am going to take some of these as specimens.”
The Captain Nodded. Tyler’s suit immediately disengaged a vial he carefully extracted spores from the ground. They were red in appearance. The Captain stood there with his rifle out, he motioned to the rest of the squad to move. They moved forward their rifles at a ready. A creature with red eyes seemed to follow them. Hawk ignored it, impartially. But Kat kept a weary on it. She had no idea what she was feeling. Fear was unknown to her. They came to the end of the hallway, in old lettering it read: ‘Ship Control’.
Warder slid to one side of the door, Hawk nodded immediately understanding. Hawk hit the door, he fell with a huge thud, a massive chunk of the steel door was missing. It seemed like his strength was greater than Kate had ever realized.
Warder Moved in first, he turned on his suits lighting systems illuminating the room. Warder stood there, while hawk immediately moved behind to take a look into the room. Hawk felt something and picked it up.
“Captain, Hawk has found something.” Warder spoke up. “Sir what the heavenly host is Specimen G?”
The captain spoke with an answer. “I have no idea.”
Kat was blinded by Warder. Tyler stood at the door. While the Captain took what Hawk had found from his hand.
“It’s a Log , a Captains Log. Good find Hawk.” The Captain turned the object in has hand. He was confused as how to use it. He fumbled around with it. “Log Activate.”
The disc did nothing. Silence was his answer.
Kat spoke up. “Sir it’s a memory log so we have to place it in, manually.”
“Really? Well, how inefficient that is then.” The Captain replied, somewhat annoyed by the manual use of an object.
He slid it into what seemed like the object’s device. It turned on immediately, a hazy image of a man shown on the screen before them. The man stood there, he looked tired, and old. His clothing was ancient compared to the clothing that was worn in their military. All of them stood silently.
“Captains Log, Year 4400.” The man in the screen breathed in slightly.
“The BattleCruiser Dawn of Light, Which I have been assigned to, it is filled with many wonders to me. Even this vid screen is brand new to me. But I will live.”
Warder spoke up. “Captain we should fast forward it.”
Kat was captivated by this man’s uniform and eye color. It was rare to see anyone with purple eyes. Kat knew better than to assume this man was once one of the praetors.
The Captain saw symbols appear below the device, he pressed one, which quickly fast forwarded through the years, 4401, 4402, 4409, and then finally 4420. The Captain stopped. He saw the same man, but he looked older, and less shaven than he did before. He pressed the play button.
The man on the screen brushed his hand across his face. His eyes were red.
“We have failed.” He began. “The symbiote we were tasked to protect, it grew out of hand, it was more intelligent than we thought. The scientists thought it an animal, how wrong they thought of it. It has killed much of the crew, including our security detail, and it has the abilities surpassing our own comprehension. It is angry at us. I do not know why, we have tried killing it, Self-destructing the ship would just anger it and it would just regenerate its wounds. We have been unable to reach our main armory but it has already destroyed them. I am all that is left of the command staff, I have put this ship into deep space travel, with me and the remaining crew, we will try to kill it. But it has reorganized the dead we had, into monstrosities. I cannot speak of the horrors I have witnessed. They are indescribable-“ The message immediately cut out.
“Captain? What did we just listen to?” Kat asked, she had lingered on every word. Tyler leaned against the wall, his hand slipped and hit something.
“I don’t know.” The Captain’s hand pressed against his helmet.
An inhuman scream sounded throughout the ship. The Captain spoke up.“Assume everything is hostile.”
They all moved out Tyler moved over an airvent. He started to speak to hawk. “Oh what a bunch of pansy stories, oh no a jelly monster. Oh, no!”
“Tyler, you should know better than to tempt fate.” Warder began. “You know how these things work! They are the hunters, and so are we.”
The squad move further down the twisting metal and organic hallways. They walked what seemed like hours, moving through the darkness, only having the light of their rifles showing the way, their armor only giving off light so that they could see themselves. “We need to find the engineering bay.” Hawk spoke aloud.
Tyler laughed. “Well this is interesting.” He stood right over the air vent. He began motioning with his hands. “There’s nothing here! Just some random bull-
Tyler stopped dead as something pulled him down through the vent. He was gone, leaving only his helmet stuck in the vent where he had been pulled through. Everyone but Hawk was shocked by this. Hawk immediately went over the vent and threw aside the helmet and started firing his shotgun down the vent. A scream of high octaves sounded throughout the ship.
“TYLER!” The Captain echoed. “Hawk, get down through those airvents! Use hell rounds.”
“Yes Captian.” Hawk ripped open a path for himself in the air vent, he set his shotgun to the round. It glowed a red. He jumped down the airvent. A Large clunk was heard. “I’ll be on radio silence-“ His vox stopped transmutting.
“Hawk? HAWK!” The Captain yelled down the vent.
“Warder get us to the engineering bay. We are setting off this damn fusion bomb.” He began to move as something wrapped around his leg. “Damn it!” He pulled out his pistol and fired it at the thing wrapped around his leg. The creature let go with a hiss.
Warder pulled a grenade from his hilt and threw it down the hallway. Its explosion rippled through the entire hallway. “That should hold those things, well for the moment anyway.”
The Captain yelled. “MOVE MOVE MOVE!” His screams carried through the hallway, all of them froze as they saw the captain fire at the creature that came at them. It was not sludge but what looked like people that were skeletal in feature but combined by organic sludges, organic leaking from its pores. It slithered towards them, an immense hulk of death.
“We have failed.” It repeated, Over and over. The Captain fired his rifle at the creature his bullets set fire to the air and lighted up the metal corridors. The creature stood aback by the fire it was taking. Pieces of the recording seemed to come from its mouth.
Warder moved his armor became camouflaged. He moved quickly, his steps were quickly dissipating. Kat turned around to see the creature again. She rapidly fired her rifle which clunked into a jam form.
“Grew out of hand.” It seemed to mock the captain, A thousand eyes and a thousand mouths open and blinked at the same time. The Captain even with his helmet on, Kat saw fear within the Captain and was shocked by what she saw. The Captain screamed as his helmet cracked in half, and he was devoured by the snake like creature.
Kat ran backward as she moved, she felt something grab her. She looked behind her and saw the Captain engulfed by a black liquid. He grabbed at her, she screamed as she saw the jaw come down on her, it was inhuman in origin. She could not marvel at. She grabbed her knife as the last bits of her strength pushed to her slice the creatures head from its shoulders. She succeeded, she groaned as she felt an arm pull at her towards the darkness of metallic hallway and she knew no more. All she heard was Warder firing his assault weapon at Kats direction.

Hawk struggled through the air vent. He crawled through the cramped. He was crawling. Not a fast speed for him at all. He was so used to be able to bust through just about everything with advanced equipment. But he didn’t have that on hand to deal with these problems. He held his shotgun, he spun on his heel, his senses to the environment around him. He moved forward not fearing anything in his path.
“Warder? Kat? Captain?” Hawk spoke into his vox. “Anyone?”
Hawk was cramped in the darkness. He kept pushing forward, he did pay head to the silence that came from the vox.
He hit something and fell through air duct it broke apart. He rolled out of it. It seemed like it could not hold his weight. He looked around saw where he avertedly landed himself in. The lettering of Engineering Bay shined above the door in front of him. He got up brushing off the particles on him. He looked around and saw that the ruins of the ship in the upper levels had not touched this part of the ship at all.
He pulled out his fusion bomb from his back. He tossed it in his hand as he moved forward. The metal door in front of him seem to bolster a challenge to Hawk’s ego. He punched the door in front of him that was the last obstacle in front of him. He moved his arm backwards as he pulled the door back it flew and clanged against the wall behind him. His helmet immediately scanned ahead. Laying out the path he should took. “About bloody time this thing started working.”
He moved through the shifting engineering bay hallways. He had to crouch, for his immense physique was too large for the corridors.
“Generator room Reached.” Came a computer voice.
“Thank you wonderful piece of machinery.” Hawk sarcastically spoke to himself.
He placed the tightly packed fusion bomb on the ground. It poped open and spider legs planted themselves into the ground.
A time screen appeared in his helmet. A question popped into his helmet, Self-destruct now or remote denotation, or timed denotation.
“Remote of course.” Hawk spoke swiftly.
“Hawk?” Came a voice behind him. Warder stood, his armor a wreck. Warder himself was damaged beyond belief. In his arms was Kat, whose armor was in better condition but unconscious by the looks of it. He dropped kat and slammed his fist into the emergency locks. It closed the room off they were in.
Hawk saw his two comrades. Wait two…. Hawk processed it in his mind.
“Wheres the Captain?” Hawk proposed.
Warder looked down at his feet. “He’s dead, we found Tyler. Well…what was left of him anyway.”
“Well, Looks like I am team leader. Promotion it seems like.” Hawk joked.
“Hawk, Remember your not even suppose to talk-
“-I understand that, just trying to lighten the mood, I need your fusion bomb, I need to deal with that creature.” Hawk looked at Warder. “Where is it.”
Warder lowered himself down and leaned against the wall. Warder pointed to the outside of the door.
“Hawk, what should I do if you don’t come back.” Warder said aloud.
Hawk spoke. “Activate the Fusion bomb, Kill this place, escape. Not the first time I’ve faced a Genocidal Alien that thinks it is the big shot just because it killed two newbies.”
Kat opened her eyes slowly. “What is he doing?” She spoke weakly.
“Doing what no human should do… Face a creature that nothing can kill.” Warder spoke up. Warder closed his eyes, and held onto a his rifle.
Hawk opened the doors and he walked into the corridors. The smell of sulfur and dead organic matter filled his sensors. Hawk smiled and a blade came out of his arm. He grabbed and looked around.
“Oh come on. You’ve been fighting rookies all day. You afraid of a real competitior?” Hawk taunted. The air around him was growing thick.
“You are inferior.” It mimicked the captains voice, and a hundred other voices. It seemed to mock Hawk’s physique. “You are but flesh and bone. I am immortal to you. I will outlive you. I will destroy every single world, and I will be a being of legend.”
Hawk saw where the creature was finally. The creature seemed like a dragon of old myth, formed from all those it had killed. Hawk processed everything around him.
Hawk grabbed the fusion bomb behind him. “Well its funny, because Immortals have a nasty habit of you know dying… So would you like to be part of a little dance of mine?” Hawk tossed the bomb in his hand like as if it was a child’s toy. The creature roared at him. He activated the fusion bomb as he did so. The creature swiped at him and knocked him off his legs.
“Timer set to contact denotation.” The computer voice in his helmet replied to him.
“Damn!” Hawk cursed. He swiftly sliced at the creature with the sword in his hand. It drove back instinctively. It was moving away from him back into the darkness that surrounded Hawk. His helmet’s night vision was failing to work.
The creature charged at him its jaws moving and eyes looking directly at its prey. It knocked out the sword from his hand. The creature broke it with its hundreds of jaws. Hawk danced around the creature as it kept charging him. He punched the bomb into the creatures skin. The creature roared in defilement.
“This will do no harm to me, human creature.” The creature said to him.
The bomb as if automatically, dug itself into the creature’s hide of bodies. The Creature charged its final time, but roared in pain as the bomb finally clicked in the heart of the creature. The bomb exploded, immediately sending a shockwave through the corridor. Hawk crashed through one of the bulkheads. Breaking many of the
Hawk was thrown back as the explosion sucked the creature into the core of the bomb. It squealed its defiance as it died.
Hawk spoke into the vox. “Clear.”
He coughed into his helmet. He moved towards the engineering bay. He had to finish the mission.
He Saw his two comrades in the medical bays of the Storm Guard. Hawk looked into the eyes of his old friend, Warder. “I am sorry you could not live to see the day.” Hawk removed his helmet. “That you get to see me without a helmet on.”
His hand moved over Warders face as he closed warder’s eyes. He snagged Warders tag from his neck.
Neibs walked in. “Sir… How did you kill that thing?”
“It doesn’t matter, when, are the new recruits arriving.” Hawk hid his face.
Neibs nodded. He pulled out a data pad; it ran with a list of names and pictures. “The Replacements for, I mean the Recruits are arriving in a few hours. And we already have another mission.”
Hawk got up and placed his helmet back onto his helmet. “We are wasting time then. Get the squad together. We are leaving for this next mission. Greenhorns are always jumpy better to take them there quickly before we set off their tempers.”
“What about Kat sir?” Neibs asked.
Hawk spoke up. “She will be fine.”

The two of us walked out of that room. Bitter, but ready for the next mission. Another, as equally dangerous as the one before, A cycle for the Praetors, that will happen till the day we/they will no-longer be needed. Hawk thought to himself. He smiled, he held tightly to the tags in his hand that shook as he walked. Another day on the job, but he would feel remorse for everyone he had lost in that mission. He will die a legend.

(any criticism?)

(will add a part 2 with the changes about this)

Your expository paragraphs make very little sense...
The actual story also needs a fair amount of work. First you need to re-read it and correct all the misspellings and grammar mistakes...
If you don't mind I'll PM you later with things I think you need to work on or would you rather I post it in this thread?

 purplefood wrote:
Your expository paragraphs make very little sense...

I will edit them when I get back from an eagle court of honor. If you can offer any more criticism that would be great!

Galaxy Current State
The entire Galaxy is controlled by the United Systems Collation. A human run government formed from the old governments of earth. The entire galaxy has been relatively peaceful, till the Leaders of the USC were assassinated by a cu from the members of a terrorist cell. Immediately afterwards humanity fractured into multiple states. Humanity found itself at war with itself again. The Aliens they once fought together now either allied or neutral or too dangerous to fight. Humanity being the most advanced species outside of the Jorahians. Humanity two major factions are the Old Government’s remaining leaders, and the new government manipulated by the terrorist cell. The terrorist's cells plan is to unite humanity under its rule, they believe that humanity has strayed and is enjoying the fruits of its passions. (work in progress for that part)

The 'terrorists' aren't really terrorists. Their plan is immensely dumb considering humanity was united under a government and murdering the old government doesn't mean you automatically become the new rulers. Not only that but they believe that humanity 'has strayed and is enjoying the fruits of its passions.' What does that even mean!

Humanity fights against itself and its enemies might strike while it is weak. Already Aliens have begun reconquering its worlds that were taken from humanity. Already human worlds have become active war zones. The New Government being protected from the alien creatures

It's enemies might strike while it is weak? Apparently that is exactly what they are doing... not much might as will. There are two sentences which could be combined into one for far greater effect. 'Already alien empires have begun reconquering worlds taken from them by humanity, turning peaceful worlds into bitter warzones' The last sentence makes very little sense...

The USC remnants still remains the same, the old inner planets having been taken by the terrorist cell. Its new home world and its new center is the world of Vita Domus, a world that has space orbiting docks and defense systems that rivaled the Old Earth’s defense network. Its leaders are brilliant masters of diplomacy and war. Many of its leaders have had political positions before their rise to being leaders of the USC. The USC has a large armada and a secret super soldier Program Code Named The Praetor Project. Its military is large and well equipped but are inexperienced in close quarters.

What USC remnants? All of humanity is engaged in a civil war. If it's leaders are so good how was a terror cell able to take entire worlds from them? Also space docks don't orbit space they orbit a planet... If their military is so good and their fleet so powerful how did a single terror cell take entire worlds away from them? Why are most of its leaders ex-politicians who are also masters of warfare? Maybe better to change it so they are led by politicians but their military leaders are good at fighting... well apart from the whole apparently incompetent thing.

The Praetor Project has produced some of the most well equipped soldiers the galaxy has ever known. Being produced before the assassination of the old government, the Jackals the super soldiers being developed during its time are examples of human brilliance, hundreds of years of studying in the fields of genetic manipulation, muscle replication, psychosis, cloning and DNA studying. Jackals are the most well equipped soldiers and professional as humanity can get. They stand as the same size as regular humans varying in intelligence, strength, size, mass, and many other things. The Jackals are perfect warriors, if not for their drawbacks of being genetically engineered, Jackals are not recruited, they are created from the DNA of powerful soldiers, replicating them and splicing them into the perfect soldiers. They also suffer from not having much social interaction with other humans. They are Soldiers, and Warriors. An Ordinary Jackal is able to take damages that would kill an ordinary human, their bodies are able to heal themselves rapidly. As an example a Mk2 Knight Tank which payload could destroy an entire platoon of regular USC soldiers and other vehicles, can only cause a Jackal to become extremely angry that he or she is being fired upon.

Not sure how hundreds of years studying psychosis helps with super soldier creation... Also DNA studying and genetic manipulation are the same thing. The rest of this paragraph is hard to criticise as it really is difficult to read. It makes such little sense. The bit in red makes little sense and really needs re-writing. Also the idea that a tank can annihilate a platoon and not kill a single Jackal implies they either make really crap tanks or you have made Jackals far too powerful in this.

Armor and Weapons
The most common armor in humanities possession are Ignatius Armor, which, features gravity suppression, breathers, protective sunglass, self-diagnostics, auto repairing armor, retroactive armor which protects against kinetic, laser, sun, plasma and energy weapons. Though they have their breaking point in that if too much power is exerted upon them they will slowly run out of power to do the features it is installed with. Each suit is limited by its power, which it gathers from nearby natural or unnatural light, it is also powered by a generator which is located within their packs which produces energy for the suit to move.

Literally nothing in this paragraph makes sense...

Feron Armor is the more advanced version, but is heavier, bulkier, and more advanced. Unlike the Ignatius Armor, the Feron armor projects a shield against weaponry and can protect the user against infections and administer aid if the body of the user was compromised to toxicians, or any other unknown materials. Feron Armor is the 2nd best armor that humanity has created. It is usually used by the heavy infantry such as the elite Vermiculus Equiti. Who use it to break lines and board cramped ships. It also adds a bit of height to the average human. The only danger is that the armor sometimes will shut down if not well kept.

Again this paragraph makes little sense. Also why do they use armour that shuts down if not maintained well?

The Obsidia Armor is latest and up to date version of Armor. Able to resist tank shells and self-powering through unknown means, the Obsidia armor projects an even more advanced shield; the armor itself is slimmer, slicker, and stronger. The Materials used are highlighted in black ink preventing anyone from reading what materials are used. The Only users of the Obsidia armor are the Jackals. Who are the only ones apparently that can use it with the armor collapsing upon them and squishing the body out of existence.

This entire paragraph is basically used to make the Jackals sound cool. The armour itself is stupid and why the hell would they release the design schematics? They don't need to scribble over them if they don't hand them out to people...

Weapons
The Standard armament is the 31-KESG (Kinetic Energy Submachine Gun) which fires kinetic energy such as bullets, using advanced procedures there is a solid piece of metal that is used for ammunition. Within is nothing but solid metal. Immediately when the trigger of the weapon is pulled a selected amount of metal is then automatically taken from the metal grabbing only a small amount to make a single round of ammo. This all happens within Nano seconds, enabling for automatic fire. The weapons speed is then determined by the user or the weapons design itself. It fires roughly faster than 2x times’ supersonic speeds. The weapon is similar in construction to modern day weaponry.

You repeat yourself about solid metal twice. The description about the gun is also very confused.

The standard vehicle killer is the RDO-5040 (Rocket Dispersion Ordnance), which is very much similar to the weapons of the 21st century but instead the rocket implodes… Then explodes after detention, making the vehicle extremely damaged. It can also penetrate tank armor if correctly handled.
The Anti-Infantry assault weapon is the Ion DBR. Firing powerful ions that move as fast as light, is able to burn away flesh with little to no problem. It is also useful against light vehicles. It even has a heavier version of itself which is able to unleash more havoc and contains more ammo.
The next weapon is the Laser Rifle, which is used to focus energy at a single point making the object explode from the inside out.
The Anti-Infantry or Anti-Material Rifle known as The Achiles Rifle.
The jackals weaponry is known across the galaxy as being hyper lethal. Their main weapon is the MG Hammer 317-81. This weapon then pierces and stops electrical activity even a suit of Feron Armor is defeated by such ferocity by a single shell. The Hammer’s firepower is limited compared to heavier version of itself. But it is considered an Assault Rifle by many top military distributors. Though it is only used by the Jackals.

The hammer is again used to make the Jackals seem cool rather than anything else. Why are the super secret super soldiers known across the galaxy? What is the Achilles rifle? The laser rifle and the Ion DBR seem identical. Also don't just say 'It has a heavier version which is better and has more ammo' describe the damn thing. Imagine a real army. They would use at most a few variants on a single rifle for standard weaponry. As for heavier weapons like machine guns, they might use several but infantry would likely only use a few variants on one kind of gun maybe two kinds. Sometimes you will have a different formation int he armed forces that use a different kind of weapon for a certain reason, like marines using carbines and army grunts using full length assault rifles. Also the description of the RDO doesn't know what it is doing. An anti-armour rocket should be able to penetrate a tank most of the time, not just if it is handled correctly especially given that implosion implies it's a damn nuke. Also remove the ellipsis, that is unnecessary.

For the love of god correct your spelling and grammar errors. I'm not sure about most writers but I try to make it so that anything I share for criticism is at least 2nd draft stuff.

 purplefood wrote:

Galaxy Current State
The entire Galaxy is controlled by the United Systems Collation. A human run government formed from the old governments of earth. The entire galaxy has been relatively peaceful, till the Leaders of the USC were assassinated by a cu from the members of a terrorist cell. Immediately afterwards humanity fractured into multiple states. Humanity found itself at war with itself again. The Aliens they once fought together now either allied or neutral or too dangerous to fight. Humanity being the most advanced species outside of the Jorahians. Humanity two major factions are the Old Government’s remaining leaders, and the new government manipulated by the terrorist cell. The terrorist's cells plan is to unite humanity under its rule, they believe that humanity has strayed and is enjoying the fruits of its passions. (work in progress for that part)

The 'terrorists' aren't really terrorists. Their plan is immensely dumb considering humanity was united under a government and murdering the old government doesn't mean you automatically become the new rulers. Not only that but they believe that humanity 'has strayed and is enjoying the fruits of its passions.' What does that even mean!

Humanity fights against itself and its enemies might strike while it is weak. Already Aliens have begun reconquering its worlds that were taken from humanity. Already human worlds have become active war zones. The New Government being protected from the alien creatures

It's enemies might strike while it is weak? Apparently that is exactly what they are doing... not much might as will. There are two sentences which could be combined into one for far greater effect. 'Already alien empires have begun reconquering worlds taken from them by humanity, turning peaceful worlds into bitter warzones' The last sentence makes very little sense...

The USC remnants still remains the same, the old inner planets having been taken by the terrorist cell. Its new home world and its new center is the world of Vita Domus, a world that has space orbiting docks and defense systems that rivaled the Old Earth’s defense network. Its leaders are brilliant masters of diplomacy and war. Many of its leaders have had political positions before their rise to being leaders of the USC. The USC has a large armada and a secret super soldier Program Code Named The Praetor Project. Its military is large and well equipped but are inexperienced in close quarters.

What USC remnants? All of humanity is engaged in a civil war. If it's leaders are so good how was a terror cell able to take entire worlds from them? Also space docks don't orbit space they orbit a planet... If their military is so good and their fleet so powerful how did a single terror cell take entire worlds away from them? Why are most of its leaders ex-politicians who are also masters of warfare? Maybe better to change it so they are led by politicians but their military leaders are good at fighting... well apart from the whole apparently incompetent thing.

The Praetor Project has produced some of the most well equipped soldiers the galaxy has ever known. Being produced before the assassination of the old government, the Jackals the super soldiers being developed during its time are examples of human brilliance, hundreds of years of studying in the fields of genetic manipulation, muscle replication, psychosis, cloning and DNA studying. Jackals are the most well equipped soldiers and professional as humanity can get. They stand as the same size as regular humans varying in intelligence, strength, size, mass, and many other things. The Jackals are perfect warriors, if not for their drawbacks of being genetically engineered, Jackals are not recruited, they are created from the DNA of powerful soldiers, replicating them and splicing them into the perfect soldiers. They also suffer from not having much social interaction with other humans. They are Soldiers, and Warriors. An Ordinary Jackal is able to take damages that would kill an ordinary human, their bodies are able to heal themselves rapidly. As an example a Mk2 Knight Tank which payload could destroy an entire platoon of regular USC soldiers and other vehicles, can only cause a Jackal to become extremely angry that he or she is being fired upon.

Not sure how hundreds of years studying psychosis helps with super soldier creation... Also DNA studying and genetic manipulation are the same thing. The rest of this paragraph is hard to criticise as it really is difficult to read. It makes such little sense. The bit in red makes little sense and really needs re-writing. Also the idea that a tank can annihilate a platoon and not kill a single Jackal implies they either make really crap tanks or you have made Jackals far too powerful in this.

Armor and Weapons
The most common armor in humanities possession are Ignatius Armor, which, features gravity suppression, breathers, protective sunglass, self-diagnostics, auto repairing armor, retroactive armor which protects against kinetic, laser, sun, plasma and energy weapons. Though they have their breaking point in that if too much power is exerted upon them they will slowly run out of power to do the features it is installed with. Each suit is limited by its power, which it gathers from nearby natural or unnatural light, it is also powered by a generator which is located within their packs which produces energy for the suit to move.

Literally nothing in this paragraph makes sense...

Feron Armor is the more advanced version, but is heavier, bulkier, and more advanced. Unlike the Ignatius Armor, the Feron armor projects a shield against weaponry and can protect the user against infections and administer aid if the body of the user was compromised to toxicians, or any other unknown materials. Feron Armor is the 2nd best armor that humanity has created. It is usually used by the heavy infantry such as the elite Vermiculus Equiti. Who use it to break lines and board cramped ships. It also adds a bit of height to the average human. The only danger is that the armor sometimes will shut down if not well kept.

Again this paragraph makes little sense. Also why do they use armour that shuts down if not maintained well?

The Obsidia Armor is latest and up to date version of Armor. Able to resist tank shells and self-powering through unknown means, the Obsidia armor projects an even more advanced shield; the armor itself is slimmer, slicker, and stronger. The Materials used are highlighted in black ink preventing anyone from reading what materials are used. The Only users of the Obsidia armor are the Jackals. Who are the only ones apparently that can use it with the armor collapsing upon them and squishing the body out of existence.

This entire paragraph is basically used to make the Jackals sound cool. The armour itself is stupid and why the hell would they release the design schematics? They don't need to scribble over them if they don't hand them out to people...

Weapons
The Standard armament is the 31-KESG (Kinetic Energy Submachine Gun) which fires kinetic energy such as bullets, using advanced procedures there is a solid piece of metal that is used for ammunition. Within is nothing but solid metal. Immediately when the trigger of the weapon is pulled a selected amount of metal is then automatically taken from the metal grabbing only a small amount to make a single round of ammo. This all happens within Nano seconds, enabling for automatic fire. The weapons speed is then determined by the user or the weapons design itself. It fires roughly faster than 2x times’ supersonic speeds. The weapon is similar in construction to modern day weaponry.

You repeat yourself about solid metal twice. The description about the gun is also very confused.

The standard vehicle killer is the RDO-5040 (Rocket Dispersion Ordnance), which is very much similar to the weapons of the 21st century but instead the rocket implodes… Then explodes after detention, making the vehicle extremely damaged. It can also penetrate tank armor if correctly handled.
The Anti-Infantry assault weapon is the Ion DBR. Firing powerful ions that move as fast as light, is able to burn away flesh with little to no problem. It is also useful against light vehicles. It even has a heavier version of itself which is able to unleash more havoc and contains more ammo.
The next weapon is the Laser Rifle, which is used to focus energy at a single point making the object explode from the inside out.
The Anti-Infantry or Anti-Material Rifle known as The Achiles Rifle.
The jackals weaponry is known across the galaxy as being hyper lethal. Their main weapon is the MG Hammer 317-81. This weapon then pierces and stops electrical activity even a suit of Feron Armor is defeated by such ferocity by a single shell. The Hammer’s firepower is limited compared to heavier version of itself. But it is considered an Assault Rifle by many top military distributors. Though it is only used by the Jackals.

The hammer is again used to make the Jackals seem cool rather than anything else. Why are the super secret super soldiers known across the galaxy? What is the Achilles rifle? The laser rifle and the Ion DBR seem identical. Also don't just say 'It has a heavier version which is better and has more ammo' describe the damn thing. Imagine a real army. They would use at most a few variants on a single rifle for standard weaponry. As for heavier weapons like machine guns, they might use several but infantry would likely only use a few variants on one kind of gun maybe two kinds. Sometimes you will have a different formation int he armed forces that use a different kind of weapon for a certain reason, like marines using carbines and army grunts using full length assault rifles. Also the description of the RDO doesn't know what it is doing. An anti-armour rocket should be able to penetrate a tank most of the time, not just if it is handled correctly especially given that implosion implies it's a damn nuke. Also remove the ellipsis, that is unnecessary.

For the love of god correct your spelling and grammar errors. I'm not sure about most writers but I try to make it so that anything I share for criticism is at least 2nd draft stuff.

Will do. Once I find time to edit it!

Also this is a rough draft.. A very rough one. I will reedit it and redo many parts of it. Most of this was written in a rush. (I had to turn it in to my Sci-fi teacher For a grade, if i had my way with it I would of spent a month going over it.)

On subject of durability as can be seen in the story. They are over estimations. Nothing more. I was originally going to do it like this

Jackal Program/Praetor Program
The Jackal Program will allow you to fund your own private arsenal of Elite Super Soldiers! On payment you will receive (Etc.) Then say that they can take damage from certain things, even though they are most likely not going to be able to. Plus the highest tier of armor (more expensive and a lot more heavier) for them is probably going to be able to defend against a tank shell (or whatever they might use). But this is a Universe that instead of the bravest and most cunning, it is all based upon who holds the economic power and dominion over it all.

I was going to change the terriost cell into more of a. "We hate this government and we want to install a government according to the old ways, because this one has no sense of honor!"

Also on armor . Yes It was designed to make them look cool, nothing more.

I will write up a new one, probably in two weeks, that will be more contained and more elabroate, and less cool shiny, more this is why, and more brutal. I am trying to ensure this is not Warhammer 40k. If it was a bit nicer. This is a Universe Spanning empire, that has goods and bad. And is more based on everything including the economic and political engagements and some parts of the war aspect.

I think the spanking over the Jackals is a bit weird...
Maybe you could write the expository stuff in more of a propaganda type way. Like real propaganda. Look up examples from World War 2 for the armed forces explanation and the explanation on the society of the USC, and possibly try to imitate current day weapon manufacturer adverts for the weapons, tanks, and other hardware and then scientific/intelligence reports for alien species...

 purplefood wrote:
I think the spanking over the Jackals is a bit weird...
Maybe you could write the expository stuff in more of a propaganda type way. Like real propaganda. Look up examples from World War 2 for the armed forces explanation and the explanation on the society of the USC, and possibly try to imitate current day weapon manufacturer adverts for the weapons, tanks, and other hardware and then scientific/intelligence reports for alien species...

Spanking over? Well Private armies of them won't probably be avaible probably like a handful of them and then an entire regiment of men following behind them that are supposedly 'elite'. We see elite soldiers get sold all the time.

 Asherian Command wrote:

 purplefood wrote:
I think the spanking over the Jackals is a bit weird...
Maybe you could write the expository stuff in more of a propaganda type way. Like real propaganda. Look up examples from World War 2 for the armed forces explanation and the explanation on the society of the USC, and possibly try to imitate current day weapon manufacturer adverts for the weapons, tanks, and other hardware and then scientific/intelligence reports for alien species...

Spanking over? Well Private armies of them won't probably be avaible probably like a handful of them and then an entire regiment of men following behind them that are supposedly 'elite'. We see elite soldiers get sold all the time.

A lot of the expository stuff is really confused...
The stuff about the Jackals is kind of like you tried to make them sound like super soldiers but you ended up making them sound like gods...
It also comes off as a childish... a lot of it does actually.

 purplefood wrote:

 Asherian Command wrote:

 purplefood wrote:
I think the spanking over the Jackals is a bit weird...
Maybe you could write the expository stuff in more of a propaganda type way. Like real propaganda. Look up examples from World War 2 for the armed forces explanation and the explanation on the society of the USC, and possibly try to imitate current day weapon manufacturer adverts for the weapons, tanks, and other hardware and then scientific/intelligence reports for alien species...

Spanking over? Well Private armies of them won't probably be avaible probably like a handful of them and then an entire regiment of men following behind them that are supposedly 'elite'. We see elite soldiers get sold all the time.

A lot of the expository stuff is really confused...
The stuff about the Jackals is kind of like you tried to make them sound like super soldiers but you ended up making them sound like gods...
It also comes off as a childish... a lot of it does actually.

Thats what happens when I rush through and can't edit it due to time restraints. As I have mentioned. I would of fleshed them off considerably. And would of made the characters more human in aspect. As in the story, the creature, killed them left and right, and left Alpha 124 and his other squadmate alive, and then of course the pilot survived.

Well then clearly rushing it was a poor idea...
They would work better as more emotionless and inhuman (Due to their lack of genuine human contact) until they meet other humans and gradually learn from them.

 purplefood wrote:
Well then clearly rushing it was a poor idea...
They would work better as more emotionless and inhuman (Due to their lack of genuine human contact) until they meet other humans and gradually learn from them.

Ah. That sounds better. So how was the story? Any criticism on that?
It was rushed in order to turn it in time. I was given a week to write that entire thing and turn it in for a grade.

The story also makes little sense...
There's some bits which are really confusing and other bits which just need to be taken out.
It's got the bones of a good story but it needs tidying up and making sure it makes sense.

 purplefood wrote:
The story also makes little sense...
There's some bits which are really confusing and other bits which just need to be taken out.
It's got the bones of a good story but it needs tidying up and making sure it makes sense.

Like alpha's first point of view? I felt like that some parts of his. Are misplaced. I will reread tomorrow, and begin the editing process.

Well there's a bit where they are on the derelict and suddenly they are back on the other ship...

 purplefood wrote:
Well there's a bit where they are on the derelict and suddenly they are back on the other ship...

Whoops... :L That is definitely a problem

I'd advise you go through the entire thing and straighten it out , correct the errors then post that here instead.