If David Cameron must ban anything, let it be Warhammer fantasy games

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**reds8n**

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/timstanley/100227407/if-david-cameron-must-ban-anything-let-it-be-warhammer-fantasy-games/

Some people are addicted to hardcore pornography, some to crack, some to molesting fish. Then there are those who collect thousands upon thousands of miniature orcs. And they need help, too.
For the uninitiated, Warhammer is a table-top battle game played with miniature figurines that comes in two forms: Warhammer fantasy and Warhammer sci-fi (it’s all the same crap, but the latter has guns). Armies of different creatures that bear more than a passing resemblance to those featured in Tolkien (orcs, goblins, knights, dwarves) fight to the death on the roll of a dice. Some people collect for the sake of winning battles, others (like muggins ‘ere) just for the sake of painting the models. The whole experience is pitched at teenage boys, but some of them never quite grow up and you’ll find men with dank pony tails still collecting well into their thirties. Emphasis upon “boys” and “men” – this underworld is no place for a lady.
The sport has some undeniable thrills and art to it, otherwise people wouldn’t become addicted. And here’s my own personal testimony. I started on the path to Warhammer addiction in secondary school via the choose-your-own-adventure Fighting Fantasy books (“If you say hello to the dwarf, turn to page 8. If you kick him, turn to page 10”). Killing trolls in book form was fun enough, but something inside of me demanded bigger thrills. One day I walked into a classroom at lunchtime and found a bunch of boys beating the living daylights out of each other with lizardmen. I was intrigued, and a shady kid called Barney told me that for just 10 quid I could have my own squadron of sweaty axe men. I started small – a few skirmishes in the changing rooms, an armed confrontation in the library – and soon worked my way up to a massive army of faux-French knights called Bretonnians. I got the painting bug and by age 15 I was getting through 10, maybe 20 archers a week. We’re talking two coats and a bucketful of superglue. Most evenings I was as high as a kite.
Although it now makes me sick to my stomach to think about it, I can’t deny there was some joy in my Warhammer problem. Boys get a unique kick out of collecting and owning things that other boys don’t have, in beating them in wits or being able to show off a magnificently painted griffin. But it did function like an addiction. Once you get hooked, you find that the price of the models creeps up and up with every year. New ones are always coming on the market, and every five years or so they change the rules completely – which necessitates buying a whole new bunch of stuff. One particularly scandalous change was when they decided that people could no longer populate their armies with powerful character models: for every shaman or berserker you now had to buy several regular units, too. Of course, if your pocket money runs low there are always street pushers like Barney who will palm you second hand models in exchange for the sordid indignity of doing his homework. But what he sells is always an older, inferior product. The rush isn't the same.
What got me off the habit? Girls. In my first week at university I visited the room of another collector and his shelves were covered in Space Marines. I thought, “Dude, you’re not going to get any action at all.” So I threw away my Bretonnian army and tried to put my past behind me. It lasted until halfway through my PhD, when I stumbled upon a website and found that the manufacturers had released a super cool new undead army. Lonely and gripped by self-loathing, I succumbed. A few days later, unshaven and sleepless, I found myself sitting amid a pile of skeleton warriors – looking on at the ruination of my life. A little while later, I threw it all in a dustbin and tried to get my stuff together. I’ve been clean ever since.
I'm in a bit of a "banning things" mood today, and while David Cameron's mind is on regulating porn I'd also like him to turn his attention to Warhammer. Of course, it won’t be enough just to throw the pushers in prison – there will have to treatment for the addicts, too. The painters could be encouraged to join art classes and the collectors given stamps. And for anyone who needs a fix, walk-in clinics can provide a limited dose of Warhammer to get them through the day (perhaps a small goblin to paint). But the war on collecting camp little miniatures is one worth fighting, Mr Cameron. If only to save the next generation of boys from the years of acne and sexual deprivation that inevitably follow.

**TheDraconicLord**

I read that entire article and since a pic is worth a thousand words:

**Trondheim**

Mother of all things holy! amusing reading indeed

**Delakar**

That's quite a wall of text, but an amusing read regardless. =)

**dragqueeninspace**

The worst bit about this article is how its gone right over so many peoples head as evidenced by the comments on the blog page. Kinda sad.

**Deadshot**

What the absolute feth did I just read? Is this a troll? If it is it's a bad one.

If its serious, here's 9 good reasons why not.

Games Workshop is a buisness with legitimate product and therefore cannot be banned.

GW pays tax and therefore its product is legitimate. It also causes.no harm to people if used as intended.

My money to waste. If I want to buy plastic crack its my descision.

Wargaming doesn't cause acne and prevent teenagers having sex (the latter the government and adults want to prevent, for some stupid reason

).

Picking on Warhammer is discrimination.

Clearly butthurt from GW.

I got 99 problems, but bad hygiene ain't one. Other people with bad hygiene is, but that's their descision and isn't illegal to have bad breath or BO. Just means they have no friends.

Article writer clearly has problems.

David Cameron is a

,

!

**dragqueeninspace**

Not just on the blog page it turns out.

**mattyrm**

It's clearly written entirely humorously. Its also very funny.

The fact that most people don't see the fact is probably the reason another good humored writer (me) gets needlessly banned so often.

I'm actually stunned by the amount of gak people are writing in response on his blog, and here as well.

Are people do desperate to get offended they can see the funny side of absolutely nothing but the most dull In your face humour?

It was a good, and entirely amusing article.

**Herzlos**

It was meant to be funny, yes, but I think it failed pretty badly.

It's certainly no daily mash or the onion.

It just reads like someone trying to be cool because they were a 'geek' and now aren't, and I can't fathom how it made it on there (it's a blog, and therefore doesn't need to pass an editor?).

**MarsNZ**

To me it appears to be a comedic and light-hearted stab at the total ridiculousness surrounding censorship in general where live footage of Iraqi civilians getting bombed = OK whereas Janet Jacksons nipple = the height of debauchery and the end of civilisation.

**Bat Manuel**

In all seriousness. Except for his possible exaggerations/personal experiences, I think this article has pretty much nailed the "plastic crack" addiction.

The last paragraph was weak and should have been left off though.

**Shas'o_Longshot**

I really don't think the fact it was satire is as clear as people are saying.

I read through it and still only saw the similarities he was drawing to pornography once TOLD it was satire. If you need to be told it's satire, it's pretty bad satire...

**Senden**

This is the Daily Mail, its entire purpose is to inspire new heights of rage, indignant protects and blood pressure

In the UK, the Upper class reader the Telegraph, the Middle class read the Mail, The Working class read the Sun, and the illiterates read the Star

**reds8n**

Senden wrote:
This is the Daily Mail, its entire purpose is to inspire new heights of rage, indignant protects and blood pressure

In the UK, the Upper class reader the Telegraph, the Middle class read the Mail, The Working class read the Sun, and the illiterates read the Star

psst ! This is from the Telegraph

from the comments section

"Once you get hooked, you find that the price of the models creeps up and up with every year. New ones are always coming on the market, and every five years or so they change the rules completely – which necessitates buying a whole new bunch of stuff."

We couldn't agree more! These wargaming companies with their constant price rises and expensive rulebooks... I dunno, what are they like?

(Hi. We're Mantic, and we like our hobby to stay sensibly priced. Once you've vented your rage at this fairly lame article, why not head over to www.manticgames.com and check us out?)

well played there !

**Salad_Fingers**

Senden wrote:
This is the Daily Mail, its entire purpose is to inspire new heights of rage, indignant protects and blood pressure

In the UK, the Upper class reader the Telegraph, the Middle class read the Mail, The Working class read the Sun, and the illiterates read the Star

Don't forget the Guardian and the Independent for the liberal minded middle class and upper class, and the Times if you a social conservative who does not like the party bias of the Telegraph

Also the 'I' has been a great success as almost an in summary broadsheet presented in a more tabloid format

**Skinnereal**

Senden wrote:
This is the Daily Mail,

Nope, it's the Telegraph.

I'm pretty sure the journo wanted his comment section to fill up a bit.
It's a shoddy article, like the 'visit to a GW store' article someone did last year.
There'll be a skateboarding and a graffiti article along next week.

**Senden**

Skinnereal wrote:
Senden wrote:
This is the Daily Mail,

Nope, it's the Telegraph.

I'm pretty sure the journo wanted his comment section to full up a bit.
It's a shoddy article, like the 'visit to a GW store' article someone did last year.
There'll be a skateboarding and a graffiti article along next week.

Really? Did the Author walk into the wrong office that day or something?

**dementedwombat**

Oh my, good times were had by all. Reminds me of those "D&D is evil" comic strips my RPG club in university like to pass around and laugh at.

Ah well, as a fine subscriber to the Duffle Blog, I think that I have basically become immune to the "ironic news story" line, since I just assume every news article I read is made up by this point.

**Deadshot**

Senden wrote:
This is the Daily Mail, its entire purpose is to inspire new heights of rage, indignant protects and blood pressure

In the UK, the Upper class reader the Telegraph, the Middle class read the Mail, The Working class read the Sun, and the illiterates read the Star

I find this quite offensive. Both myself and my dad read the Star. We used to read the Sun untill they started printing lies about the Hillsborough tradgedy and Liverpool Footabll Club supporters, which we are. And we are quite literate thanks.

**Evil & Chaos**

TheDraconicLord wrote:
I read that entire article and since a pic it's worth a thousand words:

If you can't tell what the tone of the article is, then I have a bridge for sale. Made of gold.

**TheDraconicLord**

reds8n wrote:

"Once you get hooked, you find that the price of the models creeps up and up with every year. New ones are always coming on the market, and every five years or so they change the rules completely – which necessitates buying a whole new bunch of stuff."

We couldn't agree more! These wargaming companies with their constant price rises and expensive rulebooks... I dunno, what are they like?

(Hi. We're Mantic, and we like our hobby to stay sensibly priced. Once you've vented your rage at this fairly lame article, why not head over to www.manticgames.com and check us out?)

well played there !

Ok, this was a fantastic win right here

Nice one Mantic, nice one!

Evil & Chaos wrote:
TheDraconicLord wrote:
...

If you can't tell what the tone of the article is, then I have a bridge for sale. Made of gold.

Well, I honestly can't say if the author decided he was serious or being a troll at the time he wrote that article. After all, it's far too bad to be considered humor.

Now, how can you post that said bridge to Portugal and how much would it cost?

**Lansirill**

It reads, mostly, like a bit of fun and satire. There's a little chest-thumping 'I am not a nerd!' stuck in there though, which does make it seem a bit more like a troll than satire. Eh, whatevs Becky. Let's go get some Orange Julius.

**sing your life**

Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?

**Orlanth**

Other miniatures companies are gojng to be gutted they arnt being singled out for a 'ban'.

Great article.

ZOMG! We need a 2+ save against Tories now!!!

**Evil & Chaos**

sing your life wrote:
Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?

It's ironically employing heightened stereotype in order to ridicule the UK Prime Minister David Cameron's recent announcement of new policies aimed at restricting access to internet pornography.

What it is not, is in any way serious. You can tell that from the very first line where he talks about people "molesting fish".

And if you can't tell it's satire, I have a solid diamond bridge to sell you. Very cheap!

**Palindrome**

Having read some of other other blogs by this guy I can quite safely say that we will never be friends.

**fullheadofhair**

Shas'o_Longshot wrote:
I really don't think the fact it was satire is as clear as people are saying.

I read through it and still only saw the similarities he was drawing to pornography once TOLD it was satire. If you need to be told it's satire, it's pretty bad satire...

or if you need to be told it is satire, which this so obvious is, you need to revisit your English classes.

**Senden**

Deadshot wrote:
Senden wrote:
This is the Daily Mail, its entire purpose is to inspire new heights of rage, indignant protects and blood pressure

In the UK, the Upper class reader the Telegraph, the Middle class read the Mail, The Working class read the Sun, and the illiterates read the Star

I find this quite offensive. Both myself and my dad read the Star. We used to read the Sun untill they started printing lies about the Hillsborough tradgedy and Liverpool Footabll Club supporters, which we are. And we are quite literate thanks.

Wait, you're literate and you STILL read the Star?

**fullheadofhair**

Senden wrote:
Deadshot wrote:
Senden wrote:
This is the Daily Mail, its entire purpose is to inspire new heights of rage, indignant protects and blood pressure

In the UK, the Upper class reader the Telegraph, the Middle class read the Mail, The Working class read the Sun, and the illiterates read the Star

I find this quite offensive. Both myself and my dad read the Star. We used to read the Sun untill they started printing lies about the Hillsborough tradgedy and Liverpool Footabll Club supporters, which we are. And we are quite literate thanks.

Wait, you're literate and you STILL read the Star?

No, someone read the post to him and someone else typed it. Everyone knows all Star "readers" are just pretentious Sunday Sport readers. Sun readers lips move when they read each word v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y..

**Koppo**

Sir Humphrey: The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.
Jim Hacker: Don't tell me about the Press. I know *exactly* who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by the people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they *ought* to run the country. The Times is read by the people who actually *do* run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who *own* the country. The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by *another* country. The Daily Telegraph is read by the people who think it is.
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don't care *who* runs the country - as long as she's got big tits.