Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Hey Dakka, I've got a problem.

This may not be the best place to post this, but this community has always been positive, so I guess its worth a try.
My Dad has been working hard his whole life. He has worked 7 till 5, 5 days a week for 20 years. He gets almost no free-time, and suffers from depression. I try to help him around the house, petty things, like taking the bins out etc, etc, but I honestly dont think its enough. My mum is utterly ignorant of how under-appreciated my father feels, so it creates some pretty horrible shouting matches in my household.

Now I'm sure there are many fathers on Dakka, and it is to them I direct my questions: What can I do? Is there any particular gesture that will make him feel truly appreciated?

I'm not looking for an easy fix, just a start.

Cheers

Have you told him he's appreciated?

As a dad out of the house for stupid hours a day working / commuting, that's the sort of thing that makes me feel like it's all worthwhile sometimes.

Hope it all works out for you.

I'd try looking into the deeper issue, in fact. Working 7 to 5, while certainly not nothing, is not unusual.

If he really wants to be appreciated for that, then he is probably not doing it because he wants to, but because he feels he must do it for somebody else. If he worked his job from his own desire to do so, he wouldn't care whether other people think that he is doing the right thing and whether they appreciate him or not.

But there really is nothing anyone must do, as there is always a choice. So maybe he should consider finding a job he likes better or one that takes up less of his time.

When one does the things one really wants to, not from the mind, but from the heart, obstacles and 'Impossible!'s stop being important.

Personally, I'd advise him to take a few weeks off and go somewhere without you and your mum to find out who he currently is and what he currently wants. He is probably not the same man who took up that job 20 years ago and started a family, because people and their needs change a lot over time.

Dude , been that guy , you'll get a ton of people saying stuff like "if he liked his work.....etc etc"
Truth is there are tons of working class guys doing jobs they don't like to feed there family and then find it nearly impossible to go back to college or whatever as those bills won't stop coming.

A new job might not be a bad idea , but you can only suggest that obviously.

However , back to topic, if you were my son , I would be well chuffed if once in a while you took me for a steak or a beer , nothing fancy especially if money's tight , just a smile and a beer.

Simples.

Thanks for the sincere replies fellas, i might try shouting him a meal at the local pub.

When you say he suffers from depression, are we talking about an official diagnosis here? If so, is it being treated?

Have you ever tried having a regular weekly family night where the rest of the world is shut out? Do your parents get any chances where just the two of them go out? How about yourself and your father. How much time do you spend with him?
Is everybody in your family mainly into their own thing to the detriment of family time is one the main questions to be answered, along with the depression angle.

You say he works 7-5, so what time does get home from work? How much time is spent having dinner? What time does he go to bed? When you consider those factors, he may only have 2-3 hours every day to relax after work. Probably less than that if he also has any work around the house to do. Does he get any actual "me time" after he gets home from work? Sounds like that's the kind of thing he could really use.

 Big H wrote:

Truth is there are tons of working class guys doing jobs they don't like to feed there family...

I think your advice is good, but you nonetheless misunderstood me on that point I quoted, so I want to clarify: many people certainly do jobs they don't like - for example to feed their family. The problem starts when you do it for an exterior reason, for something you don't actually get behind but feel society expects of you. Feeding a family can be all the motivation you need to really enjoy life while doing a job you don't really like - if feeding your family is what you desire in your heart to do. But if in your heart, all you really want is to go trekking through the Himalayas, then you'll soon get depressed doing a job you don't like to achieve an aim that actually isn't your aim. You become dependant on the appreciation of others to give you at least an illusion of liking yourself.

Now having a family comes with certain responsibilities, but this nonetheless leaves the chance to reflect on what one desires in his heart. Perhaps, after a lot of finding himself, he'll actually arrive at wanting in his heart to feed his family, watch his son grow up and just have a nice steak and a beer with him every other week. But maybe he'll realise he wants something else. And then he can turn his attention to responsibly finding a way to get where he really wants to go. And that, the search for that way, will give fulfilment, too.

You may often find points at which you say "my aim is impossible", but if you stay there for a while, you will notice that there is just an assumption that you have not dropped yet.

Being dependant on other people's appreciation because you cannot appreciate what you do from within yourself as it isn't really something you care about - that is a recipe for a long, hard depression. Because other people grow used to taking things for granted when they happen regularly. And that doesn't even need anyone to be a bad person, it just happens.

 Monster Rain wrote:
When you say he suffers from depression, are we talking about an official diagnosis here? If so, is it being treated?

Yes, he has meds.

 Skylifter wrote:

 Big H wrote:

Truth is there are tons of working class guys doing jobs they don't like to feed there family...

I think your advice is good, but you nonetheless misunderstood me on that point I quoted, so I want to clarify: many people certainly do jobs they don't like - for example to feed their family. The problem starts when you do it for an exterior reason, for something you don't actually get behind but feel society expects of you. Feeding a family can be all the motivation you need to really enjoy life while doing a job you don't really like - if feeding your family is what you desire in your heart to do. But if in your heart, all you really want is to go trekking through the Himalayas, then you'll soon get depressed doing a job you don't like to achieve an aim that actually isn't your aim. You become dependant on the appreciation of others to give you at least an illusion of liking yourself.

Now having a family comes with certain responsibilities, but this nonetheless leaves the chance to reflect on what one desires in his heart. Perhaps, after a lot of finding himself, he'll actually arrive at wanting in his heart to feed his family, watch his son grow up and just have a nice steak and a beer with him every other week. But maybe he'll realise he wants something else. And then he can turn his attention to responsibly finding a way to get where he really wants to go. And that, the search for that way, will give fulfilment, too.

You may often find points at which you say "my aim is impossible", but if you stay there for a while, you will notice that there is just an assumption that you have not dropped yet.

Being dependant on other people's appreciation because you cannot appreciate what you do from within yourself as it isn't really something you care about - that is a recipe for a long, hard depression. Because other people grow used to taking things for granted when they happen regularly. And that doesn't even need anyone to be a bad person, it just happens.

I understand what you are saying , and as it happens I agree , but from a personal and practical point of view very often people become financially stuck where they are, if you are only 2 pay checks from broke you really cannot go around "finding yourself" without a great deal of difficulty.

But then again I have no professional grounds to give such advice save for a beer and a good steak !

Don't pick sides.
Tell him he is appreciated. Thank him for his work. Take him out.

Thank him. Show your appreciation. Thats all you can do.

 Norn King wrote:

 Monster Rain wrote:
When you say he suffers from depression, are we talking about an official diagnosis here? If so, is it being treated?

Yes, he has meds.

This implies to me that he has some kind of therapist? Maybe your whole family could go in and talk this stuff out.

I'm not messing around, I've seen that really work wonders for some people.