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So you wanta be evil, huh? Well, it's as easy as eatin' pancakes! Practice the following villain moves, and they'll write whole books about you:

Be more moody than a 14-year-old girl. You’re not just evil. You’re crazy evil. Everybody walks on eggshells around you, because they just don’t know what you’re going to do next. You’re an emotional white squall. Fly into a towering rage over being interrupted by a routine maintenance report, then be found silently weeping in the officer’s latrine. Yes, you’re evil, but you’re mainly just misunderstood. And that hurts, man.

Constantly slip into expository reveries that you can then be "startled from." Good main characters are always being "startled from their reveries." Why a Black Library villain is evil is not nearly as important as showing how evil he is, but this is a novel, so there are a lot of pages to fill in between the bolter porn. While sitting in your command throne, with your minions fearfully going about… whatever the heck it is your minions do to kill time until you murder them for a quick laugh, let your thoughts drift back to that pivotal moment when the Emperor didn’t love you best; or when you decided, against all reason, to lead your squad into that ancient heretical shrine; or when you first became obsessed with that hedonistic remembrancer’s sexually deviant poetry. That way, when the sudden explosion rocks the ship and the klaxons sound, you can be “startled from your reverie” in classic literary style!

Maintain zero ability to deal with setbacks. As a Black Library villain, the one thing you don’t want to be is stoic. The first time (and every time thereafter) that your Fiendish Plot encounters a setback, just completely flip your wig. Throw a tantrum, break expensive and irreplaceable objects, and always, I mean always, kill the bearer of bad news. That’s just Villain 101 stuff.

Kill lots of subordinates. The easiest way to establish that you’re big-time, off-the-chain evil is by killing your direct reports. All the good villains do it. It’s de rigueur. And if it was good enough for Vader, it’s good enough for a stock villain like you.

Make time to monologue. You will never actually be shown working your Fiendish Plot; you’ll only get to show up at war councils and clandestine meetings with minions wherein you’ll make obvious, ominous comments. So, during the boss battle, you’ll need to reveal your whole plan in the grand tradition of the villain's monologue. The best time to do this is during that artificial pause when you’ve “beaten” the protagonist. After you’ve proven without a doubt that he can’t even scratch you in a fight, you’ve broken all his weapons, and he’s down, “mortally wounded”, then you can describe to all and sundry every step of your Fiendish Plot. Make sure to gloat over how you manipulated the protagonist at every stage, and how there is nothing that can stop you now. Take a full page. Or two. Really luxuriate in that monologue. It’s not like the hero will suddenly draw upon hidden reserves of strength and, using an improvised and highly unlikely weapon, strike you down or anything.

Don’t speak. Snarl. Black Library villains never say anything. They snarl. A good snarl makes “good morning” sound like “Die. Die with festering boils.”

Develop extremely poor peripheral vision. Even though you will take great pains to kill all the hero's allies first, one of them will always still have enough life in them to get off a final shot, distracting you right as you're preparing to dispatch the hero. Or large, noisy, often flaming objects will somehow strike you unawares at the most inopportune moments. This is going to happen to you a lot. It might even happen several times in the same fight. It's frustrating, but, as a Black Library villain, bad peripheral vision will always be your undoing.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say you don't like black library villains.

Hooray rants? I can understand why you're upset to a certain extent but Black Library isn't and likely never will be a repository of literary works and masterpieces. Even Aaron Dembski-Bowden stumbles once in a while.

Also I'm presuming most of this hate comes from Horus Heresy/Space Marine-based novels? Because there are several decent villains in some of the Fantasy novels as well as well as Inquisition ones (Eisenhorn/Ravenor) instead. Not outstanding/Villain of the Year award level mind you but relatively well done.

Either way make sure you eat a lot of prunes and wipe thoroughly.

Honestly, this is a little too close to home to be funny. Regarding the Horus Heresy series and all the Battles of the Space Marines novels, you really hit the nail on the head.

This is basically required for all pulp fiction, which all Black Library novels are. It's a trope of the genre. If the villains were half as smart as they think they are, they'd never lose.

This is actually pretty accurate.

Bravo!

 Grimskul wrote:
Hooray rants? I can understand why you're upset to a certain extent but Black Library isn't and likely never will be a repository of literary works and masterpieces.

Just because you're content with less doesn't mean everyone else wants to settle for eating garbage.

All the black library books I've read have no clear villain. Then again I've stuck to the HH series mostly. Russ is clearly the bigger ass between himself and Magnus, who actually acts pretty humble.
Edit: So does Russ, but he's really eager to hunt and kill his blood.
Curze is a douche through and through trying to break Vulkan to finally commit violence against him.
I don't know about this, and have never seen a villain meeting these conditions in the HH.

 TheSaintofKilllers wrote:
All the black library books I've read have no clear villain. Then again I've stuck to the HH series mostly. Russ is clearly the bigger ass between himself and Magnus, who actually acts pretty humble.
Edit: So does Russ, but he's really eager to hunt and kill his blood.
Curze is a douche through and through trying to break Vulkan to finally commit violence against him.
I don't know about this, and have never seen a villain meeting these conditions in the HH.

In most of the Horus Heresy series, it pretty clear that "the traitors are mean and evil because the hate the goodness of space emperor king jesus."

You seem upset.

Broaden your horizons a bit more. Not all bad guys are cartoon villains. The Space Wolf/Thousand Sons conflict in the Horus Heresy is a decent example of both sides having their good and bad points.

 Void__Dragon wrote:
You seem upset.

Broaden your horizons a bit more. Not all bad guys are cartoon villains. The Space Wolf/Thousand Sons conflict in the Horus Heresy is a decent example of both sides having their good and bad points.

But honestly, the Space Wolves/Thousand Sons conflict just... it just isn't that interesting. Probably the blandest part of the series. Think about it - do you remember the names of any of the Thousand Sons besides Magnus and Ahriman? Do you remember any of the Space Wolves besides Russ and Beorn? Do you remember anything from those books at all that you hadn't already read in a codex?

 LoneLictor wrote:

Think about it - do you remember the names of any of the Thousand Sons besides Magnus and Ahriman?

Phosis T'kar, Hathor Maat, Auramagma, Amon, Khalophis, Photep (I think?).

Do you remember any of the Space Wolves besides Russ and Beorn?

Othere Wyrdmake, Skarl (I can't remember the last name), Longfang, a bunch of other really hard to spell and remember names (Though I remember characters).

Do you remember anything from those books at all that you hadn't already read in a codex?

"So the Vlka Fenryka are capable of cannibalism?"
"We are capable of anything, that is the point of us."

"Can't? Not a word to use in reference of me. There is no power beyond my control."
- Magnus the Red

"That is not the Imperium I believe in."
- Magnus the Red

Also lots of things that aren't quotes that I am too lazy to type. Like the Thousand Sons giving Magnus an epic sponge bath. Or all Space Wolves speaking with a wet-leopard growls (Is it a leopard esque sound with a liquid inflection, or is it the growl of a leopard that is wet? The world may never know). Except Leman Russ, who speaks with a wet-leopard purr.

I can't believe people think this is a rant. It's clearly a joke, right OP?

Right?

I found it funny at least.

Try reading Ciaphias Cain books, hey a love them and all. But it always ends up as Jurgan saves the day, I take all the credit idea. Or hey, I tried my best through out the entire book you've been reading, but we can't win this so we are just going to back off/get teleported to safety/escape through a convenient ice (Plot?) hole in the wall and orbital bombard the place.

Does that sound inaccurate?

 Psienesis wrote:
This is basically required for all pulp fiction, which all Black Library novels are. It's a trope of the genre. If the villains were half as smart as they think they are, they'd never lose.

Nah, then the authors would have to actualy, well, be creative. There is nothing bad about having a flawed main villain ( hey, perhaps these flaws could even be exploited by the hero ) but a completely incapable one is insulting to the reader.

 LoneLictor wrote:

 TheSaintofKilllers wrote:
All the black library books I've read have no clear villain. Then again I've stuck to the HH series mostly. Russ is clearly the bigger ass between himself and Magnus, who actually acts pretty humble.
Edit: So does Russ, but he's really eager to hunt and kill his blood.
Curze is a douche through and through trying to break Vulkan to finally commit violence against him.
I don't know about this, and have never seen a villain meeting these conditions in the HH.

In most of the Horus Heresy series, it pretty clear that "the traitors are mean and evil because the hate the goodness of space emperor king jesus."

Horus was manipulated into betraying the Emperor in the Horus Heresy series, believing that he would prevent the very future that his betrayal would create.

Lorgar was a son who loved his father and idolized him, even creating a system of worship. And then one day, his father/God punishes him without any precedent, so he ends up back in the arms of the faith he knew before his father came back into his life.

Magnus was someone who pushed the boundaries, including with disrupting the Emperors plans with the webway. If the Emperor hadn't been so entangled with that he might have seen that allowing the Space Wolves out as punishment, allowing their orders to be drafted by a son who had already betrayed them, he wouldn'r have lost them over one act done with the best intentions.

Angron was screwed over by the Emperor, he is probably the only one with a real justification for hatred of the Emperor. The whole "Why were my friends and followers not saved while other brothers entourages were" speech in Betrayer is a case in point for that.

Mortarion viewed the Emperor as a tyrant, dictating from on high without showing his face. Stirred up memories of his early life.

Perturabo hated his legion playing second fiddle to other when it was accomplished. Some examples in the HH books parallel them with the Fists, Salamanders, and Iron Hands.

Kuurze was a dour bastard who thought everything was a joke because he knew thought he knew the outcome (Which he may or may not have). The 40k version of The Comedian.

Alpharius does what he does. Omegon may or may not be a traitor to traitor/loyalists?

It's easy to hate on the BL books because some of their writers are really, really fething terrible (CS Goto/Johnathon Green/CS Goto) But it is actually a well written series. If you were to group up some of the best Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror writers and tell them they would have to come out with a coherent story line based upon some source material, which only a few may have knowledge of, do you really think they would do any better?

According to 40K, Chaos Space Marines are the baddies.

And out of what novels I have read about them (Night Lords trilogy, Iron Warriors omnibus) I can't remember any character that gives off the vibe that you describe OP.

As others have said, perhaps you need to branch out a bit more? Let's not forget that stereotype that "The twelve-year olds all play space marines". Perhaps GW think this too and are trying to relate this to those fans in a simplistic way, such as you are describing.

Simple fans, simple plot, simple one-dimensional characters that the fans can relate to. Simple stuff!

If you're a marine player, please don't be offended by what I've said by the way.

The only BL book I can think of that fits your description is Battle for the Abyss. And we all know people's feelings on that one.

I exalted the OP for humor, but I, too, disagree with regards to many HH novels, because apart from a few guys, the main traitor characters feel quite reasonable and not at all like card-carrying villains. Except for when Angron isn't fleshed out yet, poor brain-damaged fellow.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Also, kudos to Dan Abnett with characters like Moloch and Lijah Cuu. These guys don't feth around when things get serious, and thats why stick around for quite a long time.

Besides Abnett and ADB, Black Library doesn't really have market-quality writers. And even Abnett stumbles a lot in BL, which is strange because his work in Marvel comics was fantastic.

You need to accept it for what it is. That being said the OP's rant can be applied to most things.

Thats pretty damn close OP, I love it. The "startled from revelries" and "snarls" bits seem particularly apt. I cant say this only applies to BL villains, it seems to be a feature across the board.

 Harriticus wrote:
Besides Abnett and ADB, Black Library doesn't really have market-quality writers. And even Abnett stumbles a lot in BL, which is strange because his work in Marvel comics was fantastic.

You need to accept it for what it is. That being said the OP's rant can be applied to most things.

ADB has like one good book series. The Night Lords trilogy. His work is highly variable in quality otherwise. He doesn't deserve to be brought up in the same sentence as Dan Abnett. Or Graham McNeill, for that matter.

Wow... You guys are incredibly sensitive. The OP was a fine continuation of the great tradition that is the Evil Overlord list.

Bravo!

I'm not sensitive, I just have no time for japes in my life. My work is too important.

 Void__Dragon wrote:
I'm not sensitive, I just have no time for japes in my life. My work is too important.

Important enough that you can find the time to hang out on Dakkadakka ?

Make a drinking game out of how many times Dan Abnett uses the words "Sheer" or "Vast". You will be dead of alcohol poisoning by chapter 3 of Necropolis.

I fire my mass reactive round while releasing a wet leopard growl!

 Happyjew wrote:
Important enough that you can find the time to hang out on Dakkadakka ?

We're lucky that Void Dragon has time to spend with us filthy dirty plebs.

 Arcsquad12 wrote:
Make a drinking game out of how many times Dan Abnett uses the words "Sheer" or "Vast". You will be dead of alcohol poisoning by chapter 3 of Necropolis.

Or chapter two, if you have particularly bad alcohol tolerance.

 Melissia wrote:

 Happyjew wrote:
Important enough that you can find the time to hang out on Dakkadakka ?

We're lucky that Void Dragon has time to spend with us filthy dirty plebs.

Hey! I resemble that remark!

Abnett is overvalued. The Eisenhorn series was great but his other works are somewhat inconsistent. Of course, compared to most other BL writers he is quite decent (including McNeil who has to rely on the villain ball far too often for my liking ).