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2014/08/27 09:51:09
Subject: Will someone read this and tell me what's wrong with it?
So yeah I'm writing a little novella thing about my custom chapter, so will someone read this and tell me if there's something wrong with it? Be aware that it's also a pretty early work in progress.
Spoiler:
"I must admit, Brother Garth, I much prefer the Greenskins from this distance.” Cedrick muttered to his squad mate; a cheeky grin on his lips as he scanned the camp through the emerald scope of his sniper rifle. “You certainly can’t smell them from here, and that’s certainly some sort of advantage.” Garth agreed beneath his breath, the beginnings of a smirk sliding onto his lips. The two snipers had their helmets off for the wind was gentle and comforting that night. It wasn’t often that two fully fledged, battle hardened, space marines volunteered for sniper duty, but tonight was to be a very eventful night and a pair of highly trained shooters were needed. Their reserve Bolters rested on their sides, ready to be drawn at a moments notice, as the two sat crouched in the dirt beneath the hollow trunk of a gargantuan downed tree.
Through the scope of his sniper rifle Cedrick was witnessing a fine display of Ork culture. It was currently feasting time in the unsuspecting camp a mile below, and the beasts were shoving entire squigs into their chops when they weren’t striking one another over giblets; roaring in laughter and choking on the limbs of their meal. “There must be three hundred of them….” Cedrick muttered, taking a peak at his battle brother next to him. Garth was inspecting his Stalker bolter and running his fingertips over the shining Aquila and the two purity seals that decorated it’s side. It was a majestic weapon made for medium range encounters, not like the massive beast of a weapon Garth was holding, but a masterpiece none the less. Cedrick was as familiar with Garth’s weapon as he was with his own; Garth often told tales of valor and his bolter featured quite heavily in many. “Three hundred?” Brother Garth asked, inspecting his magazine before jamming it back into his weapon. “A meager company of Guardsmen could handle them easily, why are we here?” Garth asked, looking through his own scope down towards the horde. The duo had found a covered area away from prying eyes a mile away from the camp that was shrouded enough to hide the glint of their shimmering dark blue power armor. The bright gold trim adorning their shoulder plates didn’t quite help. “Certainly there are more harmful enemies we should be vanquishing than a minuscule horde of Orks?” Garth continued beneath his breath. Cedrick shrugged his shoulders before he replied, his voice discerning and calculating as it usually was. “Chapter Master Marg brought us here instead of a battalion of guardsmen in the dead of night, obviously something beyond our knowledge is taking place.” Cedrick made a good point, one that made his battle brother pause for a moment. Insects chirped in the forest around them and left them to their silence. It took a minute for Garth to break said silence with a question. “Do you trust Marg?” Garth asked. His voice sounded… Unsure, and Cedrick picked up on that. Like the others in the company the two had heard vague whispers of their chapter master’s experiences with the unholy powers of the warp and knew of his ties with the mysterious inquisition. Cedrick found himself dwelling on the question for a solid two minutes before simply replying “yes, I do.”
The discussion ended as the two reached for their helmets, which were sitting atop a molded ancient log, and slid them over their head. Both of them were locked into place with a heavy click and Cerick rolled his head on his shoulders, leaving Garth to take point for a moment. The night wind suddenly began to pick up and sent a few leaves fluttering from their trees into the wind. Cedrick returned to his rifle as the wind blew. At first glance Cedrick's rifle definitely resembled a standard Bolter, but upon closer inspection anyone would find that it was larger and much more powerful. Designed by the holy Techpriests of Mars for the Warp Vipers themselves, the Vipera Pattern Striker Bolter stands taller than a Space Marine when set up on it's stock and fires Vengeance rounds the size of ones arm. Luckily the weapon comes with several additions that make it easier to handle when shooting, including several gyroscopes and an automated recoil system. With two experienced shooters like Cedrick and Garth behind the scope there was nothing that could stand up to the weapon. Cedrick moved into position with the rifle, laying in the dirt, as he heard the radio in his helmet begin to crackle. “Warp Vipers this is Marg. Gun emplacements one through three are you in position?” His voice was low and reticent as he spoke, nevertheless it demanded respect. Garth waited for the first team to verify before speaking; “Team two is in position on the Eastern ridge, no issues.” Team three echoed his sentiments.
The radio was quiet for a moment before their Chapter Master spoke again. “Exceptional. Join me in prayer brothers.” Garth moved from his seat on the log to his right knee and clasped his hands together just below the face-mask of his helmet and closed his eyes. Cedrick, whose duty was to watch the Ork camp beneath them, didn't have to close his eyes and simply calmed his mind and body as he waited for Taserdus to begin. “Oh mighty Emperor, lord of Terra and all the Cosmos, please watch over us throughout this battle. Lend us your might to vanquish our enemies and to commit to your will. Thank you, lord Emperor.” The words were hushed and quick but they brought a warmth of heart to the battle brothers listening, including Cedrick and Garth. Garth moved from his knee down to his chest alongside Cedrick and muttered “May the God Emperor guide us, brother.” Cedrick nodded in agreement and loaded a round into the massive gun before him. “This is Air Viper one, we're ten seconds away.” Crackled the radio. Taserdus, his honor guard, and three squads of Warp Guard were close to the drop zone. The calmness in the air was abruptly broken by the hiss of a rocket and the shouts of gun emplacement one. “Air Viper one, you've got a projectile incoming! You've been seen!” Garth's eyes were following the bright red rocket as they spoke. A loud explosion could be heard and the sight of a blue Thunderhawk gunship engulfed in flames flew past the trees into their view. “Emperor...” Cedrick cursed beneath his breath as he followed the craft's descent through the scope. They could hear the noise of the vessel crashing into the Ork camp from their distance. “Gun Emplacement one, do you have a visual!?” Garth asked, his voice terrified and quiet. Gun Emplacement one responded quickly, equally worried. “Yes, we've got a visual. They took the Rocket to the wing-mounted Engine, there was no chance-” Garth jumped as a heavy sound echoed over the radio. It sounded like a power-fist slamming through a wall in his ear. Cedrick's eyebrows perked beneath his helmet. The back door of the crashed vessel had been thrown free of the aircraft several dozen feet away, grinding down several curious Orks into a fine red paste before landing against the size of a hut. A hail of bullets met the other Orks who stumbled over to investigate, blowing them apart. Cedrick saw Taserdus sprint out of the downed airship with a chainsword in his hand. He was hastily followed by the honor guard who were armed with storm Bolters. With a mighty roar Taserdus swung his golden chainsword and lopped off five Ork heads. The Orks went into a panic, shouting at the top of their little green lungs as many of them desperately tried to put some distance between themselves and the invading force of marines. While Taserdus drew the attention of the horde two members of his honor guard had run up tithe front of the craft. In a last ditch effort to aim for a semi-safe landing zone the pilot had skimmed across the tops of several buildings to slow his speed even though he knew it would kill him. “The pilot is lost!” One of the honor guard called as he took a single look at the pilot’s body. His shimmering blue armor was strained red with his own blood and several jagged shivs of metal now protruded from his chest. Taserdus swore as he slammed the back of his hand into a slugga boy’s jaw, sending it flying across the way. “Call down Galimund, we need his assistance! Gun emplacements, open fire!”
Cedrick’s body lurched backward as he shot his massive rifle. Even with the noise-canceling technology in his helmet the sound still jarred his teeth. “Target slain.” Garth commented as he watched an entire line of Orks simply explode, sending their organs splattering all over their confused kin. Through the scope Cedrick could see gun emplacements one and two open fire with their heavy Bolters, shredding down several more lines of Greenskins. First company had landed on the opposite side of the camp now, and several squads of space marines were now charging into battle. The skies were filled with fire as the first company vanguards leapt from point to point, tearing Orks apart with the blades of their power claws and sending viscera flying through the sky. Taserdus had retrieved his Bolter and was now slashing with one hand and blasting skulls with the other. The Orks were no longer panicked and had retrieved their bigger shootas and one of the smarter ones had woken up the trio of Killa kans who were now rampaging through their own ranks, stomping and tossing their kin In an attempt to get to the invaders. Cedrick lined his crosshairs up on one of these kans and took aim. The air before him was ignited and the shell was on its way. Garth silently began to count. ‘One… Two…’ The shot missed the kan and instead mutilated an entire squad of Orks reducing them to fine red and green paste. “Two seconds of travel time.” Garth muttered. Cedrick nodded his head and took aim once more, pointing his crosshairs significantly further forward. “Shot out.” He echoed as his helmet once again rattled with the force of the bullet. Garth counted. “One… Two…”
Taserdus turned his attention towards the kan rumbling towards him. Before he had a chance to bring his chainsword up to bear against the mighty iron beast his vision was suddenly racked with an explosion and he had to duck away from the shrapnel. The Killa kan had been shot in the back, tearing through the tiny grot driver and exploding out of its chest. The Killa kan spun once, slashing a few of its kin to ribbons with the malfunctioning saw on its arm, before collapsing into a destroyed husk. Taserdus looked toward the distant ridges and raised his chainsword in thanks before leaping into battle to cut down a nob. “Nice shot.” Garth laughed before painting another target for his battle brother. Cedrick was smiling as he watched the other kans fleeing in terror after watching their brother explode. A blip popped up on his display and he took aim once again, this time at a pack of nobs rushing forward to assault a squad of war guard. “Hold fire!” Garth shouted, his eyes pointed upward towards the fiery hull of an incoming drop pod. The pod crashed down with a heavy this inside of an Ork hut. “Hello Greenskins!” Came an enraged mechanized voice over the radio. Fire burst from the hut as a massive black and blue figure tore out of the weak building, a screaming Ork impaled on its massive claw. “Welcome to the fight ____!” Taserdus laughed as he watched the massive dreadnought pound his way free of the hut, slapping Orks to death with his massive steel arms. “Taserdus! You finally let me loose!” The dreadnought laughed, unleashing a volley of bullets into an unsuspecting squad of Orks, splattering them across the walls of several buildings. “Take that you bastards!” The dreadnought cackled, obviously enjoying himself as he laid waste to the Orks. Taserdus stepped back and waved over his honor guard. “Surround the base and find the warboss!” Taserdus shouted over the fighting. His honor guard nodded their heads before charging into the fray, unleashing swarms of bullets into their targets. The five squads of first company moved as well, surrounding the camp.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/08/27 09:56:57
2014/08/27 17:40:41
Subject: Will someone read this and tell me what's wrong with it?
Few spelling mistakes, such as; "run up tithe front of the craft", I assume that should be 'to the' but in terms of story I thought it was pretty good. Why can't all Chapters have a decent sniper weapon like this though? The only thing I might change is to show a little more orky resilience, you want the fight to be a little bit of a challenge after all.
Be Pure!
Be Vigilant!
BEHAVE!
Show me your god and I'll send you a warhead because my god's bigger than your god.
2014/09/22 10:50:24
Subject: Will someone read this and tell me what's wrong with it?
Gogsnik wrote: Few spelling mistakes, such as; "run up tithe front of the craft", I assume that should be 'to the' but in terms of story I thought it was pretty good. Why can't all Chapters have a decent sniper weapon like this though? The only thing I might change is to show a little more orky resilience, you want the fight to be a little bit of a challenge after all.
Because long range killy weapons are too useful for space marines and takes away from the fun of gutting your enemy.
2014/09/23 20:17:51
Subject: Re:Will someone read this and tell me what's wrong with it?
Well, its pretty decent, but cut down on some of the repetition, one example is . “You certainly can’t smell them from here, and that’s certainly some sort of advantage.” you don't need certainly twice here, "you certainly can't smell them form here, and that's some sort of advantage" reads a little better.
I'll never be able to repay CA for making GW realize that The Old World was a cash cow, left to die in a field.