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HOWDY Y'ALL! Did I get your attention? Hope so 'cuz y'all are fixn' to read some mighty fine writn' about this man's Astra Militarium! That's right the Imperial Guard of which I, Private Jay T. Wordham, am a proud member of!

Now hang on before y'all go any further, if youse ex-pectin' a run-o'mill 'SHOOT'EM UP BANG-BANG' Warhammer 40k story, y'all is gonna be in for some serious let down! Umm...umm…umm…ain't none o'that happen' here! But y'all…WHOA, WAIT UP! WHAT WAS THAT? Are y'all complain' about the way I'm talkn'? Are y'all sayn' things like, “I cannot understand a thing that man is saying!” Y'all know that' down right rude? Down right rude, and that JUST AIN'T RIGHT!

I know some folks complain when I sometimes say 'rat' for 'right', and 'nekked' for 'naked; but that's how we all talk were I come from! I talk just as good any other Texotian guardsmen! :

Psssh…y'all come closer!
Let me tell y'all what the difference between 'naked' and 'nekked' is: when yer naked you just got yer clothes off; but when yer 'nekked', you got clothes off and are up to doin' somethin' naughty!

So let me set the scene for: 'Not Your Average Blueskin Xeno Type Tau'. This story concerns one young guardsmen who finds his own handsome self catchin' the attention of certain female type tau firewarrior. Who herself is dead set on gettin' some 'kissing lessons' from the a fore mentioned imperial guardsmen! Which she calls in her tau dialect 'tissing' (And y'all was complain' about how I talk!)

But 'true love never runs straight' does it boys! So imagine if you was that young guardsmen and…
1. So while you and yer 'blue babe' is smoochin' away; y'all are discovered by this here female captain from your regiment. Now what do you do when she accuses you of 'fraternization with a xeno'? What do you do?

a) Go ahead and confess your heresy and turn yourself in for immediate execution.
b) Respond by saying: 'Begging the Captain's pardon, but we are effectively the same rank. I'm a PFC and she is Shas'La, ma'am!'
c) Deny everything and hightail it outta there! Hoping the Inquisition ain't lookin to hang yer sorry butt.

2. A couple of days after you was committin' heresy with that blue babe of yours; that the self same Captain that discovered the two of you 'gettin' to second base'! Well she has gone ahead and challenged your blue babe to a duel! Sayn' she gonna 'defend your honour', 'cuz she caught the low-down xeno scum 'molesting you!' Now what do you do?

a) Lay low and hide the fact you were involved at all.
b) Stand up and defend your blue honey, and thereby admitting your guilt in the incident. Which will therefore guarantee your future career as a mindless servitor!
c) Go and try to talk the Captain out of fighting the duel.

3. Whew! So somehow or another everything gets all straightened; and so now the two y'all are gonna finally get a chance to be alone! You and your blue sweetie are goin' to get 'nekked' (see my previous discourse on 'naked' versus 'nekked') But wait a minute she's wearing a pair of steel toed boots, which y'all just figured out she can't remove! (i.e. her hooves) And ya'll just figured out she's also wearing a pair of spurs; which come straight off both of her ankles! Which she also can't remove! And though they're not sharp, they can still poke you. How do you solve this problem solider?

a) Wear your flak armour and M-24 Plasteel helmet to bed.
b) Wrap her hooves in pillows and duct tape.
c) Have her wear a pair of traditional tau togue’zebii or bower booties to bed.

So if y'all want find out the correct answer to any or all of the above questions; then y'all better go ahead and read: Not Your Average Blueskin Xeno Type Tau – Part I: Despise the Xeno!

PS. Spoiler alert, the story is rated PG-13, so don't y'all don't get any crazy ideas that this here story is some kind of 40K literary hentai! Y'all know that ain't right!
PPS. I said the story was PG-13, but it sure does have a whole lot a cussin' in it! Words like: gimboid, frakk, fuzzbot, gorram, smeg head etcetera!
PPPS Go ahead read the story already!

Y'all here is the link to first part of the story:
http://www.docdroid.net/g1xj/nyabxtt-act-i-dispise-the-xeno-final.pdf.html

Y'all here is the link to Mr O'Duffy's blog: N.Y.A.B.X.T.T.
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/riodanoduffy

0_0

 the shrouded lord wrote:
0_0

^
More air than usual left my nose.

ATTENTION Y'ALL! HERE COMES PART II: FEAR THE XENO!

Howdy again! This is here is Private Wordham again with another instalment of Not Your Average Blueskin Xeno Type Tau - Part II: Fear the Xeno

Are y'all ready for some dancin' cows and singin' primates? Well if y'all ain't they're comin' yer way anyhow! Also we here one ex-commando Lieutenant with a 'Chicken-on-his-head' helmet and some mighty fine music from the 52nd Divisional Marching Band! Yup and that's not to mention our heroine Capitan Rose H.P. Blenheim! Who is my company commander by the way!

So y'all sit back and relax and read: Part II: Fear the Xeno!

Here y'all is the link: http://www.docdroid.net/g1xx/nyabxtt-act-ii-fear-the-xeno-final.pdf.html

PS: Here is y'all's chance to learn the Blue Cow Drill Team's cheer: "Moo, moo, moo you mother-frakken tau! / Moo, moo, moo you mother frakken tau! / Gonna milk your teats and kick your tails! / Moo, moo, moo, you mother frakken tau!

As Lieutenant Cavatore likes to say: Ciao y'all!

I need to think about my life before I click either of those links.

ALL Y'ALL GOT TAKE A CHILL PILL! It-is-satire-y'all! One-long-BIG-old-joke!

Or does none y'all got a sense of humour? (By the way did y'all know your spell check is a U.K. spell check? This here Texotian just can't spell nuthin' right!)

Sit your own self down some night enjoy yourself a good belly laugh!

So here it is N.Y.A.B.X.T.T. - PART III: HATE THE XENO! http://www.docdroid.net/nclh/nyabxtt-act-iii-hate-the-xeno-final.pdf.html

PS Which y'all missing Lieutenant (y'all say LEFT-tenant) Cavatore sayin' things like: “AVERE QUELLE MALEDETTE LE VACCHE FUORI DI QUI! – Get those damn cows out of here!”
PPS Y'all is missin' learn' what the tau call the Divine Emperor of Mankind:
Ran'erra'Acaya'm'Va'denta: n. colloquial: 'The Un-dead Zombie Ghoul Lord', lit. 'Lord Demon-Ghost Master of Ghouls'. The popular tau name for The Emperor of Mankind. As tau do not understand either 'the Warp' or psychic ability of the ten-thousand year old Divine Emperor of Mankind, is often confused with the need of the astral choir or Astronomicon, and the its' need for the sanctioned psykers. Therefore the Emperor is thought to be some kind of cannibalistic monster.

See y'all missin' it!

feth it I'm gonna click the link. can someone tie a rope around so they can pull me back if i need them to?

I wanted to read this. I really tried, because I was interested to see the parallels if any between our two works (though I admittedly haven't gotten to the 'good parts' in mine yet). But holy hell, man, that fething dialect makes me want to throw jars of fermented urine at you all day for like a week. Let's just forget for a moment that I was born in Texas and thus know first hand what the "Texotian" or whatever you want to call it dialect *should* sound like. The big problem here is not that you didn't get the dialect right. It's that you laid it on way too thick and it's brutal on the eyes/ears/mind.

Also, replacing all the 'th' sounds with 'd' doesn't make them sound more country, it just makes them sound like candidates for the short bus. Short valkyrie. Whatever.

Okay, I read part one. Sorry, but I can't say that I liked it. There were some interesting bits in there, but they were mired in the repetitive dialogue and the unreadable dialect.

Who in Texas says: 'Wicked Bad'?

Now if you were reading the story and not just skimming the page, you would have noticed that one character PVT. WORDHAM stops talking, and a new character SGT. O'FARRELL starts talking.
Here the quote from page two:

Now it was Sergeant O'Farrell's turn to try and stop the Captain. The short –167cm and blocky non-commissioned officer popped off a salute and held it until Blenheim stopped to return it.

That's your clue that a new character is about to start speaking, and so of course there is a change in dialect ...

'Ma'am, respectfully like, I ain't said nuth'n yet!' O'Farrell's round red face was much redder than usual.

Then at the end of the page O'FARRELL says:

"Face it ma'am, dose Farsight tau, dese wicked bad!”

For those of you who are not from the U.S., no one in Texas ever says: 'Wicked Bad'. Maybe if they were from New England - New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, etc.

I wrote this in fun, but at least I hoped folks would take the time to read it; and not try to take five seconds to skim it?

So in lieu of an apology I'll accept that you'll read PART I: Despise the Xeno in it's entirety, and then you can for real throw rotten tomatoes at me! Or an oil squig if you want to!

Mr. O'Duffy a.k.a TauMan

PS Just letting y'all know my family is from Texas. And the character of Pvt. Wordham is based on a friend of mine, who is himself from Texas; and he pretty much talks the way the character does!

PPS Any if you from the northeastern U.S. can tell me just how close I got with Sgt. O'Farrell's accent. O.K his accent was suppose to be 'Bostonian' but after all of this controversy [That's con-TRA-va-see, if you give it the U.K. pronunciation!]; but on going over it again [ay-GAIN if you give it that U.K. flavor] his accent is really more 'Brooklynese'. What all hope you're thinking is... "I think that O'Duffy fella's writing is 'wicked bad!'"

PPPS What about the foot notes? I worked long and hard on them, but if you give up after a few pages, you'll never get to read them! (HINT: They really don't get funny until around footnote four!)

This is extra-heresy.

Or to put it in civilised terms, this thread should be suppressed for the Greater Good.

ACT IV: FIGHT THE XENO!

Sergeant O'Farrell here to tell youse guys dat the next instalment of N.Y.A.B.X.T.T. has arrived! Yeah, little o'l me from da fightin' 69th! Now a proud member of the Foxtrot company, 6th Battalion of the 145th C.I.R.! Any howse, some of youse guys was complain' dat I don't speak da gothic language all too well! And some of youse has been confusen' me wit Private Wordham, and dere ain't no way you could even remotely be confusin' ME with dat guy! What are all youse like brain dead?

Now for any of youse dat ain't been readn' da story so far, here is a synopsis of ACT IV: Fight the Xeno

Captain Blenheim (the commander of Foxtrot company) is about to duke it out with Private Serch'maa (of the Farsight Enclaves - Red Knives Cadre); over for da affections of one Private First Class Robert T. McGrady, a drummer for the 52nd Divisional band. And every body all wacked out crazy worrin' dat dis is gonna start a war wit dose Farsight tau! But tho' da Captain should be like a clear favorite, dis here blue gal has got a few tricks up her sleeve. Like somethin' called 'The Sapphire Flame'. First Sergeant Tripp, Lieutenant Cavatore and Mr. Fooks (he's our tau translator) are tryn' to figure out what the name 'Serch'maa' means in tau: Hare? Ferret? Mongoose? Den the fight happens ... and I'm tellin' youse guys deres sure a lot a blood spilt in da process! (But sorry I ain't gonna tell ya who won!) ... Den dere's a riot and yours-truly make has another cameo appearance! PS Miss Moo Cow meets up with Mr. Mountain Gorilla and Miss Milk Cow finds her Mr. Chimpanzee! XOXOXOX!! What doncha ya like all of that lovey-dovey stuff?

Here is da link to ACT IV: Fight the Xeno http://www.docdroid.net/hx0y/nyabxtt-act-iv-fight-the-xeno-final.pdf.html

Now for dat fella dat was from the Tau Empire, who was yammerin' on about 'Da Greater Good'. He outta remember what o'l Commander Farsight said:

"Tell our enemies, that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our FREEDOM! The Enclaves Forever!”

Platitudes about freedom from a military dictator?

U WOT

Also, as a git living in Boston at the moment, they do say wicked. Some of them.

Military Dictatorship? Propaganda of the Tau Empire and Disinformation of the Gue'la!!!

Everyone knows Commander Farsight is the 'William Wallace' of the 41st millennium! Seriously who else has the job? Marneus Calgar?

“Sons and Daughters of the Enclaves, I am Shas'O'Shovah ˗ Commander Farsight.

“Commander Farsight? But he wears a Riptide Battle Suit seven meters tall!”

“Yea, so I've heard…Kills Orks by the hundreds! And if he were were here, he'd consume O'Shaserra with rail cannon rounds from his eyes and fusion blasts from his arse.

[Laughter]

“I AM COMMANDER FARSIGHT! and I see a whole army of my tau brothers and sisters, here in defiance of tyranny! You have come to fight as free tau! And free tau you are! What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?"

“NO!"
“NO!"
“NO!"

"Against that? shouted the Shas'ui looking at the army of Commander Shadowsun. "NO! We will run ˗ and we will live!"

"Aye!" Commander Farsight shouted back. "Fight and you may die. Run and you will live…at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing, to trade all the days from this day to that, for one chance…just one chance…to come back here and tell our enemies, that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our FREEDOM? The Enclaves Forever!”

“FREEDOM!”
“FREEDOM!”
“FREEDOM!”

The soldiers of the Tau Empire do not run. They merely take up a new firing position. The only time you see the back of a Fire Warrior is when they are dead.

Oh, I get it ... you haven't seen Braveheart have you? Your suppose to groan and complain about this post being 'just another lame Commander Farsight is just like William Wallace reference!' And then argue that he in no way is like William Wallace. But since you didn't, I'll start with:

REASONS WHY O'SHOVA IS NOT LIKE WILLIAM WALLACE

1. He looks nothing like Mel Gibson.

See how easy that is? You go ahead and try one now!

PS Tau Firewarriors of the TAU EMPIRE do not run unless it is:
a. A Greater Deamon of Khorne
b. A Space Marine Imperial Knight
c. Or Commander O'Shova, who is about to slice and dice them with the Dawn Blade!

PPS Have you read any of the story yet? Really this post is for NOT YOUR AVERAGE BLUESKIN XENO TYPE TAU - Part IV: Fight the Xeno. Try it you'll like it ... unless Aun'Va tells you, you shouldn't!

Braveheart was filmed in Ireland, of course I've seen it.

I just regard it as ridiculous. Ireland's an independent state and our national independence movie is a bit meh: Michael Collins.

Still, Liam Neeson > Mel Gibson.

Firewarriors of the Tau Empire don't run from Greater Daemons of Khorne, Imperial Knights and certainly not O'Shovah. They simply stay at maximum range no matter what direction those three happen to move in.

I have read the story so far, by the way. The grammar and structure does make it difficult, but I'm patient, so I get the plot so far.

And may I say: MOVE IT ALONG.

Just got a request to 'Move It Along' Oi, an dat's what'z I'll doo! So 'ere goes N.Y.A.B.X.T.T. PART IV: FIGHT DA XENO

Alright boyz 'ere's da link: http://www.docdroid.net/hx0y/nyabxtt-act-iv-fight-the-xeno-final.pdf.html

Shup uptz and reed da story! NO Mr. O'Duffy I ain't beeing rood, I waz enkorag ... UFFTH ..." Sorry for the previous spokes person's uncouth and unprofessional demeanour! 'Please do deposit the body in the squig pits Mr. Gretchen!' 'Sure-ting, getz right on it Guv'nor'

PS MY firewarriors never run either! That's the problem, no matter if it's a Greater Deamon, a Space Marine Dreadnought, or a Carnifex ... they just won't break and run!

Shas'ui: 'NO, yoy can't take the Black Templar Terminator! Just RUN AWAY!'
Firewarriors: 'Yes we can! Yes we can! We can take 'em! We can take 'em!
Shas'ui: 'RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!'
Firewarriors: 'We can take 'em! We can take 'em!' (Sounds of bones breaking, heads flying, firewarriors dying and a Space Marine laughing!)
Shas'Ui: 'We should have run ...ugh... away...choke...tell mum I love her!'

PPS You know that Braveheart was shot mostly in Ireland? All the extras (both for the Scottish and English sides) were the Irish Territorial Army! On the DVD they show the Irish soldiers being made up and the putting on their costumes!

PPPS Liam Neeson really looks a lot more like Eamon de Valera! Probably should played him instead?

PPPPS Commander Farsight really is the William Wallace of the 41st millennium! And he ain't no friend of Aun'Va that's for sure! (No matter how the new fluff says! Its' all Grootox dust any ways!)

Your real name is excessively Irish by the way.
I demand an explanation.

Also, if you think Liam Neeson looks like DeV, Alan Rickman played him in the movie...

MEL GIBSON!

I read the first chapter a few days ago. I'm gonna post actual review/comments when I get further through it but so far I agree that the 'da' stuff has to go. The rest is actually really good, but I think using D instead of T is too ambitious. Sounds a bit orky.

I just came to say this because in my own novel I'm writing I just created a line about how one character who is desperately grappling with an insect-like xenos and trying to hold onto its neck while it dangles from the creature's head, and the comparison is to two sweethearts dancing.

Made me think of you and your story bud

EDIT: Also, as of a few days ago around page 3 or 4 there is a section where you write C.I.R. Regiment (interesting plot device btw) but if you think about it that means Composite Infantry Regiment Regiment, or something to that effect.

GreaterGoodIreland said: Your real name is excessively Irish by the way. I demand an explanation.

Ah-ha you noticed! Yes, but it is my 'nome de plume' or as I prefer to call it my 'nome de guerre'! My real name is however just as excessively Irish as well: Tadhg mac Ghraidhaigh. By the way Liam Neeson is the one who says he looks more E. deValera. Saw him on a talk show was and he mentioned that, but Alan Rickman did indeed do a good job as deValera.

Onwards Komrades! Here is the FINAL INSTALMENT OF N.Y.A.B.X.T.T. ACT V: ROMANCE THE XENO!!

ACT V: Romance the Xeno http://www.docdroid.net/ncli/nyabxtt-act-v-romance-the-xeno-final.pdf.html

"Those about to die salute you!" I await the rotten tomatoes or bored yawns ... they'll both hurt!

Bye for now R.O'Duffy a.k.a. TauMan

PS I had to physically restrain Sergeant O'Farrell over the 'sounds too Orky' crack!

PPS Wanted to share a WWII cartoon by south-west Irish-American Bill Mauldin, but couldn't find it on the internet. I has Joe with a hand to his ear as Willy is asking something like: "Brooklyn or guttural?" Shame I didn't find it!