Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

I'm not a great at writing and this is my first time using a forum. I'm a marine and been into the lore of warhammer 40k since elementary. I wanted start getting more involve with warhammer 40k I wasn't really sure where to post this. So I really do apologize for grammar errors and etc. I'm not as well verse in the warhammer 40k universe and I'm wondering if anyone would be kind of enough to help me out and write this bio out. I'm trying to add more fluffs that makes sense. I planned for my character to be only survivor of tyraind invasion and fought a Night lord raptor. He would eventually become a sergeant of the inquisitional stormtrooper and put under command by the same inquisitor who cast him into the penal legion. He is going to be a suave, witty, reckelss, foul mouth irish character. So please do help me out and add more to this character. If you guys want to use the character for a story or art concept go ahead, just give me a head ups please.

Cromir Winterthorne “The Black Hound of The Inquisition”. Winterthorne a well-renown inquisitorial stormtrooper among the Inquisition. The record of his homeworld origin and the event that sent his life at the bottom of the Imperium and his eventual rise to the top is kept classified. He was born during 980.M41 raised in a a unknown Death World until age of nine in terran years. His family would leave the planet due to his homeworld sun had show sign begin to become super nova. They would moved to a shrine world. Winterthorne and his parents would become accused of being part of a large conspiracy of overthrowing the government in the shrine world, that cause his parents to separate and suffer a terrible fate. As both of them were sent to the different penal legion under orders of a young new zealot Inquisitor named Montag Blackmarshall III. The inquisitor thought to sent Winterthorne to the penal legion as another form of punishment for his parent’s crime. Winterthorne's father begged Inquisitor Montag that his son should be executed but Inquisitor refused. He was only 12 when he was sent off to the penal legions and never will he see his parents.
He joined 81st Penal legion “Blackguards ”. The Blackguards were led by a seasoned Colonel named William Bourne who was laughingstock of the imperium for his failure to exterminate an ork infestation that plague his homeworld and allowing them to take their capital within few hours. The colonel and men that served under him was relegated in charge of an penal legion. He promised himself he would return to his homeworld to destroy the ork infestation no matter cost and he seek redemption for his men and vengeance against the Ork warboss Jax’Rippah for making a mockery out of him and his men. Colonel had managed to turn his penal legion into effective fighting cohesive unit with help of his men. Though, his legion still full of convicted criminals of the Imperium. Colonel’s men and the arbiters keep the blackguards in line. It isn’t enough to change the cruelty of being in the penal legion. When Winterthorne arrived to 81st his reception wasn’t well. The first day there he was brutally beaten almost to death. His first year in Penal legion was his worst experience. He was beaten almost every day. They would steal his rations. He would always end up missing gears and was brutally punished for it. He was never safe in the Blackguards.
Winterthorne contemplate the idea of committing a cowardly death. The lifestyle was too much for the young boy. So he follow through his decision and one night he was in his room and held a bolter pistol to his head. He was crying when he held the bolter to his cranium. He closed his eyes and slowly pulled the trigger. The bolter pistol didn’t went off he found out it was jammed. He didn’t understand how it jammed. He had always taken care of his gear and cleaned his weapons. It didn’t matter he took it as a sign he was made for something larger in his life. He develop new resolve and sense of purpose. He was determined to become top of Blackguard and the best. He began training to become strong and begin defending himself anyway necessary. He was no longer whimpering boy but was now a man.
The Blackguards were order to quell a rebellion that grew in a distant system far from the imperium grasp. When Colonel Bourne arrived to the spaceport of the planet. He came with a small entourage of his trusted men included Winterthorne to meet the governor and to asses the situation. When the colonel arrived to the Governor's office. They encounter a Champion of Chaos from the Alpha Legion instead. The champion was accompanied by the traitorous Night lords. The colonel order his men to open fire and to begin a tactical retreat. The blackguards fought valiantly but couldn’t withstand the ancient chaos warriors’ might. The night lords and the champion teared through the colonel entourage. Winterthorne grabbed the Colonel and few of the wounded dragged them out of the building but before they left. He threw a band boiler of krag grenade into the room which devastated and shook the whole building. They were in the plaza of the governor's palace and close to the leave. A night lord raptor came down wielding a chainsword and a bolter. The raptor savagely kill the woundeds and wounded the colonel. Winterthorne last one standing tremble in fear of the monstrosity he faced. He build the courage as he realize he needed save the colonel. He fired his lasgun at the raptor but it’s impervious armor shrugged it off. Winterthorne realize it was pointless shooting. He used his lasgun as a melee weapon instead. Winterthorne more agile than the raptor. He remarkably dodge the raptor’s strikes and swings. He grew tired with every dodge and his attempt to bash his lasgun into the raptor. He failed to dodge one of the raptor’s swing. It cut his right arm and it sent him to shock. He screamed in agony lost of his right arm on the ground. The raptor ravished at Winterthorne pain and mocked him for being weak. The raptor did praised Winterthorne tenacity to live but it wasn’t enough to save him. The raptor picked him up and impaled his chest into a nearby column with a poison combat knife. On same level height as the raptor. The raptor once again mocked him again and explain to him nobody and even the god emperor would save him today. Winterthorne spit on the raptor and weakly told him screw off. He felt the terrible pain and poison that burn his blood. The raptor laugh manically as he went for the killing blow. Winterthorne managed to grab a nearby bolter pistol and realised that the most vulnerable spot in a chaos space marine or space marine was it’s neck. He pulled whatever strength he had left and raised bolter pistol at the raptor’s neck . He unleashed a hail of fire into the raptor’s neck. That was the finishing blow for the raptor. His left arm was broke due to the recoil of the bolter pistol.He lied against the column and he felt poison slowly killing him way. He was fading in and out of conscious from the blood loss. He mentally fought through it and screamed at his colonel to run.
He finally went into unconscious. Any person would have instantly died through the amount pain that Winterthorne did but his sense of duty and unyielding tenacity to live kept him through the course of the fight. Winterthorne woke up from his unconsciousness with a new bionic right arm and his wounds bandage. He surived the posion that course through his vein but it was cured. The events that transipred at world as kept classifed from the inqusition.

I can't comment on the fluff but I can comment on the formatting. Paragraphs, my friend. Spacing.

Just going to give you an idea of formatting

If you're worried about grammar and syntax, I would re-read it, especially the paragraph about the combat. It makes it easier for others to read if nothing else.

The gist of the story is fine

Stormcast Eternal of Khor wrote:
I'm not a great at writing and this is my first time using a forum. I'm a marine and been into the lore of warhammer 40k since elementary. I wanted start getting more involve with warhammer 40k I wasn't really sure where to post this. So I really do apologize for grammar errors and etc. I'm not as well verse in the warhammer 40k universe and I'm wondering if anyone would be kind of enough to help me out and write this bio out. I'm trying to add more fluffs that makes sense. I planned for my character to be only survivor of tyraind invasion and fought a Night lord raptor. He would eventually become a sergeant of the inquisitional stormtrooper and put under command by the same inquisitor who cast him into the penal legion. He is going to be a suave, witty, reckelss, foul mouth irish character. So please do help me out and add more to this character. If you guys want to use the character for a story or art concept go ahead, just give me a head ups please.

Cromir Winterthorne “The Black Hound of The Inquisition”. Winterthorne a well-renown inquisitorial stormtrooper among the Inquisition. The record of his homeworld origin and the event that sent his life at the bottom of the Imperium and his eventual rise to the top is kept classified. He was born during 980.M41 raised in a a unknown Death World until age of nine in terran years. His family would leave the planet due to his homeworld sun had show sign begin to become super nova. They would moved to a shrine world. Winterthorne and his parents would become accused of being part of a large conspiracy of overthrowing the government in the shrine world, that cause his parents to separate and suffer a terrible fate. As both of them were sent to the different penal legion under orders of a young new zealot Inquisitor named Montag Blackmarshall III. The inquisitor thought to sent Winterthorne to the penal legion as another form of punishment for his parent’s crime. Winterthorne's father begged Inquisitor Montag that his son should be executed but Inquisitor refused. He was only 12 when he was sent off to the penal legions and never will he see his parents.

He joined 81st Penal legion “Blackguards ”. The Blackguards were led by a seasoned Colonel named William Bourne who was laughingstock of the imperium for his failure to exterminate an ork infestation that plague his homeworld and allowing them to take their capital within few hours. The colonel and men that served under him was relegated in charge of an penal legion. He promised himself he would return to his homeworld to destroy the ork infestation no matter cost and he seek redemption for his men and vengeance against the Ork warboss Jax’Rippah for making a mockery out of him and his men. Colonel had managed to turn his penal legion into effective fighting cohesive unit with help of his men. Though, his legion still full of convicted criminals of the Imperium. Colonel’s men and the arbiters keep the blackguards in line. It isn’t enough to change the cruelty of being in the penal legion. When Winterthorne arrived to 81st his reception wasn’t well. The first day there he was brutally beaten almost to death. His first year in Penal legion was his worst experience. He was beaten almost every day. They would steal his rations. He would always end up missing gears and was brutally punished for it. He was never safe in the Blackguards.

Winterthorne contemplate the idea of committing a cowardly death. The lifestyle was too much for the young boy. So he follow through his decision and one night he was in his room and held a bolter pistol to his head. He was crying when he held the bolter to his cranium. He closed his eyes and slowly pulled the trigger. The bolter pistol didn’t went off he found out it was jammed. He didn’t understand how it jammed. He had always taken care of his gear and cleaned his weapons. It didn’t matter he took it as a sign he was made for something larger in his life. He develop new resolve and sense of purpose. He was determined to become top of Blackguard and the best. He began training to become strong and begin defending himself anyway necessary. He was no longer whimpering boy but was now a man.

The Blackguards were order to quell a rebellion that grew in a distant system far from the imperium grasp. When Colonel Bourne arrived to the spaceport of the planet. He came with a small entourage of his trusted men included Winterthorne to meet the governor and to asses the situation. When the colonel arrived to the Governor's office. They encounter a Champion of Chaos from the Alpha Legion instead. The champion was accompanied by the traitorous Night lords. The colonel order his men to open fire and to begin a tactical retreat. The blackguards fought valiantly but couldn’t withstand the ancient chaos warriors’ might. The night lords and the champion teared through the colonel entourage. Winterthorne grabbed the Colonel and few of the wounded dragged them out of the building but before they left. He threw a band boiler of krag grenade into the room which devastated and shook the whole building. They were in the plaza of the governor's palace and close to the leave. A night lord raptor came down wielding a chainsword and a bolter. The raptor savagely kill the woundeds and wounded the colonel. Winterthorne last one standing tremble in fear of the monstrosity he faced.

He build the courage as he realize he needed save the colonel. He fired his lasgun at the raptor but it’s impervious armor shrugged it off. Winterthorne realize it was pointless shooting. He used his lasgun as a melee weapon instead. Winterthorne more agile than the raptor. He remarkably dodge the raptor’s strikes and swings. He grew tired with every dodge and his attempt to bash his lasgun into the raptor. He failed to dodge one of the raptor’s swing. It cut his right arm and it sent him to shock. He screamed in agony lost of his right arm on the ground. The raptor ravished at Winterthorne pain and mocked him for being weak. The raptor did praised Winterthorne tenacity to live but it wasn’t enough to save him. The raptor picked him up and impaled his chest into a nearby column with a poison combat knife. On same level height as the raptor. The raptor once again mocked him again and explain to him nobody and even the god emperor would save him today. Winterthorne spit on the raptor and weakly told him screw off. He felt the terrible pain and poison that burn his blood. The raptor laugh manically as he went for the killing blow. Winterthorne managed to grab a nearby bolter pistol and realised that the most vulnerable spot in a chaos space marine or space marine was it’s neck. He pulled whatever strength he had left and raised bolter pistol at the raptor’s neck . He unleashed a hail of fire into the raptor’s neck. That was the finishing blow for the raptor. His left arm was broke due to the recoil of the bolter pistol.He lied against the column and he felt poison slowly killing him way. He was fading in and out of conscious from the blood loss. He mentally fought through it and screamed at his colonel to run.

He finally went into unconscious. Any person would have instantly died through the amount pain that Winterthorne did but his sense of duty and unyielding tenacity to live kept him through the course of the fight. Winterthorne woke up from his unconsciousness with a new bionic right arm and his wounds bandage. He surived the posion that course through his vein but it was cured. The events that transipred at world as kept classifed from the inqusition.

I can see why your character might get picked up as an acolyte, but Inquisitorial Stormtroopers are all trained at a Scholarship Progenium training facility from extremely young ages (Codex says between 6-12 years old), and thus he would be unable to become one of them without replacing the penal Legion with a Scions Regiment, the parents with murdered Nobles, and the auto-correct with an application that's actually programmed decently.

Also, sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'm typing this on a tablet, otherwise I'd add some Lexicanum links to my post.