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Good day (or night, depending on timezone,) everybody. As somebody who enjoys writing and is unable to play the tabletop, I came to this site not only to learn about 40K from those who know it best. Today I come with a small passage of a Plague Marine I described, which is from a small snippet I used for a roleplay on another site. I would like to hear thoughts and suggestions about what I can do to improve.

Here's the passage:

... however, was a towering giant that seemed to stand at nine-foot three. The thing’s armor was green with rot; it seemed tumorous, with many hideous lumps growing in many places. Flakes of ancient paint fell off quite frequently. The midsection of the armor was covered in old rust, which in turn was covered in a strange, fleshy substance that seemed almost fatty in consistency, yet nigh-bulletproof in practice. The monstrosity gagged and coughed as pus occasionally came from various orifices and holes opened in the decaying protective suit. Suddenly, one of the aforementioned tumors burst, letting loose a disgusting level of pus, blood, and black and yellow bile of an unknown nature.

The thing hacked and vomited, the puke oozing out from under its helm.

P.S.: If this is not allowed on the 40K forum part of the site, feel free to move it to its proper place.

Thank you for reading and have a splendid day!

seemed to stand at nine-foot three

Did it seem to stand that tall? or did it stand that tall?

flakes of ancient paint fell off quite frequently

how often is quite frequently? Maybe they fell off when it moved? The ancient paint chipped and crumbled as it moved.

came from various orifices and holes opened in the decaying protective suit

Take out the word Opened. "Came from holes in protective suit"

You use the word "seemed" a number of times. Paint a picture and tell them what they see. it is up to them to decipher what "seems" one way or not. The man is 9'3'', wearing chipped and damaged armor, oozing pus and blood and vomiting. To me it seems undead and poisonous. But that is my take on it.

Other than that, I love it and would definitely be pumped to fight this thing based on your descriptions. I can totally see this thing standing before a group of deathwatch marines who realize they aren't fighting wimpy cultists anymore and will actually have to make use of some tactics. keep up the good writing!

Actually, the Death Guard didn't have paint on their armour during the Heresy (only green on the trim). In 40K they are green because of Nurgles Rod, but under that there is unpainted power armour. If your Plague Marine is not from the Death Guard and you follow newer fluff, there could be paint though I guess.

It sounds pretty good to me. I agree with everything the previous poster said as far as corrections. And I'd like to make one nit-picky additional correction - let's get the height correct, or else leave it vague. A marine is between 7' and 8' tall, 7' to 7' 6" seems to be the "official" and widely accepted numbers. Don't join the ranks of authors who throw out nonsensical numbers* just to sound more imposing.

I wouldn't say an exact number. I would say "over seven feet" or preferrably "nearly 8 feet". Your narrator isn't standing next to them with a measuring tape.


*A 9+ foot tall marine would be so tall and broad they would be defeated by average doorways. They'd also be so heavy they would probably go crashing through the floor of most structures. Weight grows with height to the third power, assuming all other dimensions scale proportionally, so a 9 foot tall marine weighs over twice as much as a 7 foot tall marine. Marines at 7+ feet are ridiculous enough as they are. No need to get silly with it.

I'd leave off the "seemed to stand at nine-foot-three" and replace it with something more like "a giant, towering more than two heads over the tallest of us".

Mr. Grey wrote:I'd leave off the "seemed to stand at nine-foot-three" and replace it with something more like "a giant, towering more than two heads over the tallest of us".

CalgarsPimpHand wrote:It sounds pretty good to me. I agree with everything the previous poster said as far as corrections. And I'd like to make one nit-picky additional correction - let's get the height correct, or else leave it vague. A marine is between 7' and 8' tall, 7' to 7' 6" seems to be the "official" and widely accepted numbers. Don't join the ranks of authors who throw out nonsensical numbers* just to sound more imposing.

I wouldn't say an exact number. I would say "over seven feet" or preferrably "nearly 8 feet". Your narrator isn't standing next to them with a measuring tape.


*A 9+ foot tall marine would be so tall and broad they would be defeated by average doorways. They'd also be so heavy they would probably go crashing through the floor of most structures. Weight grows with height to the third power, assuming all other dimensions scale proportionally, so a 9 foot tall marine weighs over twice as much as a 7 foot tall marine. Marines at 7+ feet are ridiculous enough as they are. No need to get silly with it.

Icculus wrote:

seemed to stand at nine-foot three

Did it seem to stand that tall? or did it stand that tall?

flakes of ancient paint fell off quite frequently

how often is quite frequently? Maybe they fell off when it moved? The ancient paint chipped and crumbled as it moved.

came from various orifices and holes opened in the decaying protective suit

Take out the word Opened. "Came from holes in protective suit"

You use the word "seemed" a number of times. Paint a picture and tell them what they see. it is up to them to decipher what "seems" one way or not. The man is 9'3'', wearing chipped and damaged armor, oozing pus and blood and vomiting. To me it seems undead and poisonous. But that is my take on it.

Other than that, I love it and would definitely be pumped to fight this thing based on your descriptions. I can totally see this thing standing before a group of deathwatch marines who realize they aren't fighting wimpy cultists anymore and will actually have to make use of some tactics. keep up the good writing!

Sgt. Cortez wrote:Actually, the Death Guard didn't have paint on their armour during the Heresy (only green on the trim). In 40K they are green because of Nurgles Rod, but under that there is unpainted power armour. If your Plague Marine is not from the Death Guard and you follow newer fluff, there could be paint though I guess.

Mr. Grey wrote:I'd leave off the "seemed to stand at nine-foot-three" and replace it with something more like "a giant, towering more than two heads over the tallest of us".

I'd like to thank you all for the advice and suggestions! I've made the edits; though small, they're definitely a big improvement over what I had before. Again, all of you have my thanks.



Automatically Appended Next Post:
ALSO,

 CalgarsPimpHand wrote:
*A 9+ foot tall marine would be so tall and broad they would be defeated by average doorways.

Tall Marines being Mans' equivalent of the aliens from Signs confirmed.