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I don't even know what I'm doing here... Oh, and everything has been deleted so if mods are looking at this thread, feel free to delete this, as well.

Posted by accident and don't know how to delete post, my bad!

Benny Badmen wrote:
Glacial Warriors are incredibly spiritual Marines who value human life, though the height they value those lives lead them into questionable positions.

A couple of things on this point:

-- I'd be careful to make sure that this set of particular traits (spirituality and an above average value placed upon human life) does not overshadow canon, well-known Chapters like the Salamanders who are known for such things.
-- What sort of 'Questionable Positions' did you imagine this Chapter would find themselves in as a result of the high value they place on human lives?

Benny Badmen wrote:
Chapter Founding: 24th Founding - M39 100M

What does the bit in red mean exactly?

Benny Badmen wrote:
Chapter Strength: 874-910

Not that there's anything wrong with this or any need to change it, but I'm curious as to why you picked such oddly specific numbers?

Benny Badmen wrote:
Infamy: No proof has ever been presented yet it is believed their sectors relatively peaceful history is connected with xeno diplomacy

You would have to tread very carefully with this. As a general rule, engaging diplomatically with Xenos is not so much an unheard of practice as it is a practice which doesn't happen on a regular basis (let alone something that Space Marines would be known for). I'm not particularly knowledgeable on this particular point, but - to my mind - being known for engaging diplomatically on a regular basis with Xenos breeds is not likely.

Benny Badmen wrote:
The most prominent creature are the Jotuun Boars, gargantuan beasts coated in vast glacial constructs they travel the surface unimpeded. How they're born, what they eat, nothing is certain other than their continued existence. Jotuun Boars will travel through entire hive city sectors with enormous frost formations tumbling in their wake. Jotuun Walkers, psykers who communicate with them through undisclosed means discover loyalty through empathy. What commences once the aspiring Walker climbs atop the beast and travels the eight whirling storms is a secret never revealed. Interestingly when the Jotuun Boar arrives after traveling the eight storms with the Walker, it's always larger. Imperial Scribes theorize the storms and what lies within attributes to their size and longevity.

This bugs me. Gargantuan beasts that are completely and utterly shrouded in mystery sounds a little too convenient. I think that rather than having their whole birth/death/food source/etc shrouded in mystery, it would be better not to mention that at all (thus dismissing it as irrelevant information). As readers, we don't need to know how they breed, what they eat, or anything like that, but saying that - in universe - next to nothing is known on these topics is a bit off to me. Plus a few of the attributes don't make a lot of sense to me (but I might be reading this incorrectly).


On Psykers:

-- I do admire the idea of a more passive Librarius within a Chapter, but to me, the Librarius is a little too passive.
-- I think taking on the entire role of the Chaplains is a bit too much. I have no problem with the Librarius aiding the efforts of the Chapter's Chaplains, but taking their role may be a bit excessive. Just my opinion, though.


As for the rest, I have to read through it again and have a think before I comment further.

Made huge edits and you're good for round two.

At his point, most of the changes that I'd recommend come under either Proof Reading, Personal Taste, or both. So I think you're on the right track. Just have to keep working, proof reading, etc etc etc.

As a side note, I think it may be a good idea (depending on how much time you have) to jump over to the Warhammer 40,000 Fanon Wiki and have a look at their Space Marine Chapters. This can give you at least a decent enough idea on what's good, bad, and what you should and should not do. On a personal note, I have written a couple of Chapters myself: the Dark Talons and the Burning Lords. Hopefully if you ever get around to reading them, they might (as I said before) give you a decent enough idea on what's good, bad, and what you should and should not do (because these Chapters are far from perfect haha).

I'm actually overhauling the entire Chapter. This was essentially a test run to see if I could actually do it- which I clearly can't.

Once I catch up on reading projects and studying, I'll spend a weekend editing the entire thing from top to bottom. Essentially, I'll be re-writing everything since this is a scattered mess.

Anyway, what I'm going for isn't for that gallant chapter who kills hundreds with ease- it's about one built on a great tragedy. They have no Primarch to revere or predecessor to draw strength from. Each Captain that died makes up as their own Primarch equivalent. HERESY!

I will look at your Chapters and probably use the sight to rework this chapter and add extensively on them over the course of this week and next. Thanks for showing me that, by the way.

At risk of tooting the horn of the Fanon Wiki too much, check out their guide article and rules surrounding the writing of a custom Chapter. By all means feel free to deviate from them since you're not posting the Chapter there (at least not yet haha), but the articles do provide a good way of going about it.

 IllumiNini wrote:
At risk of tooting the horn of the Fanon Wiki too much, check out their guide article and rules surrounding the writing of a custom Chapter. By all means feel free to deviate from them since you're not posting the Chapter there (at least not yet haha), but the articles do provide a good way of going about it.

This is great advice I enjoyed starting DIY Chapters never really finishing them though and the main reason is that everyone wants to put you in this box, I say to hell with the box. Making your chapter fit others ideas kills creativity! Make the difference stronger and more believable if they don't like it oh well. With that being said do not completely ignore the box, have one foot in and the other out.

I like what you have done, I think you need to put more emphasis on the tribe and their rituals earlier because I had a hard time grasping it. I didn't get it until the great inquisitor story, maybe put that part closer to the front or start with it so people will have a better understanding of the Chapter's relationship with the tribe and their traditions. Overall good read keep up the good work!

 CKO wrote:
Making your chapter fit others ideas kills creativity! Make the difference stronger and more believable if they don't like it oh well. With that being said do not completely ignore the box, have one foot in and the other out.

True, but we can't all have Black Templar-esque Chapters that are not Codex Compliant, hence following the guidelines on the fanon can prove quite useful. Now, I can't remember whether it was on this particular fanon or elsewhere, but I remember reading that the deeds and character of Chapter rather than whether or not they're codex compliant. It's better to fit non-Codex Compliance to a character trait or deed as opposed to making the chapter non-Codex Compliant to allow for a character trait or deed. (e.g. it's better for a Codex Compliant Chapter to fend of a Splinter of a Tyranid Hive Fleet - or part there of - than it is to create a Chapter that's non-Codex Compliant and thus larger in order to fend of a Splinter of a Tyranid Hive Fleet. It adds more character, depth, and hero-icism))

 CKO wrote:
I think you need to put more emphasis on the tribe and their rituals earlier because I had a hard time grasping it. I didn't get it until the great inquisitor story, maybe put that part closer to the front or start with it so people will have a better understanding of the Chapter's relationship with the tribe and their traditions.

I agree with this for two reasons:

-- Rituals are a very good way of adding character, especially without making them non-Codex Compliant. It helps define the Chapter without making it an outlier per se.

-- Flesh out every detail because, as CKO said, it's very easy to not understand something when there's not enough detail.Plus there are a host of other admittedly rather dull reasons for this that can lead to great results (each you might draw further inspiration from your own ideas and details).

I wouldn't focus on every detail I would focus on the things that make them non-codex as that is the part that will be scrutinize the most. Every detail is just to hard to accomplish.

 CKO wrote:
I wouldn't focus on every detail I would focus on the things that make them non-codex as that is the part that will be scrutinize the most. Every detail is just to hard to accomplish.

Probably poor wording on my part. I guess my point was that clarity, understanding, the character of the Chapter, etc etc etc comes from detail, thus meaning that the more you have, the better it is for "defining" the chapter.

Oh my god... I'm officially 3/4 of the way to being finished this damn thing.... I got Serfs, Equipment, Recruitment, Tactics, some little details here and there and I'm finally done. I honestly never thought I'd get this far. I don't even care what people think this is a grand ole labor of love right here. Mmm, I love my Boars, big ole bastards.

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of this Benny I really enjoyed reading it.

Ok so I've officially hit the bottom of this keg of Boary Goodness. I now know more about the Indomitable Boars than I do about Dark Eldar and Necrons, combined!

As far as cannon goes I'm little use as I still think its 5th ed. and my most recent GW publication is dated 2006! I s#!t you not!
I've already given plenty of nit picks via PM for you to mull over but suffice it to say this is better than what I'd say is a good start. But obviously its a WIP and as you know yourself there's room for improvement.

Enjoyed all the abhuman species over on your Edith Sector explanation thread too. Sterling work, an altogether mammoth creative effort!

Basilisk Force Space marines? Is that a thing of is that your mysterious founder chapter of unknown lineage?

My canon GW fluff is a good decade or more out of date so I don't always get references to recent stuff.

Not a bad read, a bit choppy at the beginning but finds its feet during the fight and then when Little Belaruu becomes chief Walker of the tribe its a great moment.

Could use a few touch ups, I'm PM details but honestly this is the kind of stuff that brings chapter lore to life. The other stuff you posted wasn't terrible by any means it just maybe needed a few more stories to flesh out the facts.

You're very much on the right track. A bit of both is what works best. Some facts to cut the annoying exposition out of the stories and some stories to breathe a little life into the bare bones facts. That's why GW codex army books were always so good. At least they were when I were a lad.