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[EDIT] I've edited naoki's lore so download this link instead

naoki the curseblood wrote:

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
Just a heads up i may need help making character ive made one so far an outcast known as naoki

Cool.

Also I can't find the units you've created in your latest codex attachment, care to post your newest version?

I intend to
in fact here it is now
please give me some advice if they need improvements

Not bad, not bad at all. Love the indepth view of the chapter.

Got a few bits of advice though:
The Outcasts seem a bit cheesy, seeing as though the chapter is already viewed a bit warily by other Space Marine chapters, I don't think you need another layer thrown in there with the Outcasts. You could quite easily just change their fluff a bit so they mirror the Headhunters of the Alpha Legion: skilled, elite, veteran hunters of the chapter.
Whilst I am a fan of a real indepth view of a chapter I don't think you need to rename all of the chapters assets to something to do with the Silent Claws i.e. The Librarian/Chaplain/Apothecary is all right as a unique character kind of deal but I don't think you have to do the same for all of the chapters trainers, techmarines, etc. Pick a couple of things that are unique in your chapter and keep the rest the same otherwise your fluff gets oversaturated.

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
Just a heads up i may need help making character ive made one so far an outcast known as naoki

Cool.

Also I can't find the units you've created in your latest codex attachment, care to post your newest version?

I intend to
in fact here it is now
please give me some advice if they need improvements

Not bad, not bad at all. Love the indepth view of the chapter.

Got a few bits of advice though:
The Outcasts seem a bit cheesy, seeing as though the chapter is already viewed a bit warily by other Space Marine chapters, I don't think you need another layer thrown in there with the Outcasts. You could quite easily just change their fluff a bit so they mirror the Headhunters of the Alpha Legion: skilled, elite, veteran hunters of the chapter.
Whilst I am a fan of a real indepth view of a chapter I don't think you need to rename all of the chapters assets to something to do with the Silent Claws i.e. The Librarian/Chaplain/Apothecary is all right as a unique character kind of deal but I don't think you have to do the same for all of the chapters trainers, techmarines, etc. Pick a couple of things that are unique in your chapter and keep the rest the same otherwise your fluff gets oversaturated.

what do you mean by cheesy about the outcasts? please explain further
additionally i was planning of making the arrow claws with some mechanized heavy armour which allows them to move and shoot but move very slowly sort of like a mixture of a terminator and a devastator
does this mean i have to edit naoki's lore as well?

naoki the curseblood wrote:

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
Just a heads up i may need help making character ive made one so far an outcast known as naoki

Cool.

Also I can't find the units you've created in your latest codex attachment, care to post your newest version?

I intend to
in fact here it is now
please give me some advice if they need improvements

Not bad, not bad at all. Love the indepth view of the chapter.

Got a few bits of advice though:
The Outcasts seem a bit cheesy, seeing as though the chapter is already viewed a bit warily by other Space Marine chapters, I don't think you need another layer thrown in there with the Outcasts. You could quite easily just change their fluff a bit so they mirror the Headhunters of the Alpha Legion: skilled, elite, veteran hunters of the chapter.
Whilst I am a fan of a real indepth view of a chapter I don't think you need to rename all of the chapters assets to something to do with the Silent Claws i.e. The Librarian/Chaplain/Apothecary is all right as a unique character kind of deal but I don't think you have to do the same for all of the chapters trainers, techmarines, etc. Pick a couple of things that are unique in your chapter and keep the rest the same otherwise your fluff gets oversaturated.

what do you mean by cheesy about the outcasts? please explain further
additionally i was planning of making the arrow claws with some mechanized heavy armour which allows them to move and shoot but move very slowly sort of like a mixture of a terminator and a devastator
does this mean i have to edit naoki's lore as well?

Another thing I think needs to be asked, what are you plans for this chapter? are they a fan fiction thing? (if so knock yourself out with the wild and crazy.) Something for the Death Watch RPG (in which case to be blunt scrap the whole thing. the inqusition would purge any that showed up) or are they supposed to be your 40k army? if they're your 40k army, step back and CAREFULLY consider everything you do unit with with a "how will I model this?" and "how will I PLAY" this?" it's all well and good to wanna have an army who rides into battle on the back of giant humming birds, but unless you an model that, it's proably just gonna frustrate you

BrianDavion wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
Just a heads up i may need help making character ive made one so far an outcast known as naoki

Cool.

Also I can't find the units you've created in your latest codex attachment, care to post your newest version?

I intend to
in fact here it is now
please give me some advice if they need improvements

Not bad, not bad at all. Love the indepth view of the chapter.

Got a few bits of advice though:
The Outcasts seem a bit cheesy, seeing as though the chapter is already viewed a bit warily by other Space Marine chapters, I don't think you need another layer thrown in there with the Outcasts. You could quite easily just change their fluff a bit so they mirror the Headhunters of the Alpha Legion: skilled, elite, veteran hunters of the chapter.
Whilst I am a fan of a real indepth view of a chapter I don't think you need to rename all of the chapters assets to something to do with the Silent Claws i.e. The Librarian/Chaplain/Apothecary is all right as a unique character kind of deal but I don't think you have to do the same for all of the chapters trainers, techmarines, etc. Pick a couple of things that are unique in your chapter and keep the rest the same otherwise your fluff gets oversaturated.

what do you mean by cheesy about the outcasts? please explain further
additionally i was planning of making the arrow claws with some mechanized heavy armour which allows them to move and shoot but move very slowly sort of like a mixture of a terminator and a devastator
does this mean i have to edit naoki's lore as well?

Another thing I think needs to be asked, what are you plans for this chapter? are they a fan fiction thing? (if so knock yourself out with the wild and crazy.) Something for the Death Watch RPG (in which case to be blunt scrap the whole thing. the inqusition would purge any that showed up) or are they supposed to be your 40k army? if they're your 40k army, step back and CAREFULLY consider everything you do unit with with a "how will I model this?" and "how will I PLAY" this?" it's all well and good to wanna have an army who rides into battle on the back of giant humming birds, but unless you an model that, it's proably just gonna frustrate you

Well I've done convertions before in fact I'm in the process of making the army but I'm not going to be using every unit in the fandex but yes this is going to be an army that's why I'm allowing people to criticise it so i can see what mistakes i may be making and how to improve on this work i love everything about this hobby that's why I'm doing this
I've got plans for the rules and squad sizes and want to make the best army i can, also i want to show people the fun in this hobby its brought me joy for years and i don't plan to stop
I'm not going to bother with the deathwatch rpg (because i don't have it and I'm not going to bother with it due to how much it could cost) i respect your points and i have thought about this I'm not afraid of making mistakes because i am willing to learn from them I've been inspired by many other homebrews and study them to come up with ideas i thank you for the help you and others have given me

then yeah, that's my advice, before designing any new unit etc. ask "how will I make this?" particularly as the process of figuring that out might give you other bits of inspiration

BrianDavion wrote:
then yeah, that's my advice, before designing any new unit etc. ask "how will I make this?" particularly as the process of figuring that out might give you other bits of inspiration

If my plan works the only catch will be making an army of the silent claws may take some time and work but hopefully it should be worth it

naoki the curseblood wrote:
what do you mean by cheesy about the outcasts? please explain further

Just seems a bit overdone to me: they are shunned by the chapter because of a dark past and misterious rumours. Everyone in 40k has some kind of secret, a chapter as shady as the one you propose I don't think would be that bothered by a questionable past since there's is quite questionable.

additionally i was planning of making the arrow claws with some mechanized heavy armour which allows them to move and shoot but move very slowly sort of like a mixture of a terminator and a devastator
does this mean i have to edit naoki's lore as well?

So centurions?

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
what do you mean by cheesy about the outcasts? please explain further

Just seems a bit overdone to me: they are shunned by the chapter because of a dark past and misterious rumours. Everyone in 40k has some kind of secret, a chapter as shady as the one you propose I don't think would be that bothered by a questionable past since there's is quite questionable.

additionally i was planning of making the arrow claws with some mechanized heavy armour which allows them to move and shoot but move very slowly sort of like a mixture of a terminator and a devastator
does this mean i have to edit naoki's lore as well?

So centurions?

Please tell me how i can improve the outcasts and by improving their lore does that include naoki?
As for the arrow claws not exactly think of them like xv88 battle suits with modified weapons which either fire or charge faster at the price of said mobility for example if wielding a heavy bolter when deployed the fire rate for the weapon triples at the price of overheating

As I said before, the Outkasts could quite easily be reformed into just a very skilled group of hunters like the Space Wolves and Alpha Legion have. As for Naoki, I'd change it around a bit: you could still have him as a lone hunter but perhaps for a different reason? Maybe keep it very similar and make it so that, during battle one time, he was engulfed by the changing fires of Tzeentch but survived, now he is avoided by the rest of the chapter due to Tzeentchian whispers coming from his still warm armour, i.e. a Tzeentch daemon from the fires of Tzeentch possessed Noaki's armour, this could also cause "unlucky" things to happen to anyone who goes into combat with him. This could be taken further with the whispers of Tzeentch slowly driving Naoki into madness, maybe recalling a shade of the Night Crawler in Naoki.

The battlesuit idea seems a bit advanced tech for the Imperium: remember, this is the organisation that murders anyone for attempting to come up with new designs and ideas. Maybe make it a form of Cataphractii terminators with minor jet boosters.

 mrhappyface wrote:
As I said before, the Outkasts could quite easily be reformed into just a very skilled group of hunters like the Space Wolves and Alpha Legion have. As for Naoki, I'd change it around a bit: you could still have him as a lone hunter but perhaps for a different reason? Maybe keep it very similar and make it so that, during battle one time, he was engulfed by the changing fires of Tzeentch but survived, now he is avoided by the rest of the chapter due to Tzeentchian whispers coming from his still warm armour, i.e. a Tzeentch daemon from the fires of Tzeentch possessed Noaki's armour, this could also cause "unlucky" things to happen to anyone who goes into combat with him. This could be taken further with the whispers of Tzeentch slowly driving Naoki into madness, maybe recalling a shade of the Night Crawler in Naoki.

The battlesuit idea seems a bit advanced tech for the Imperium: remember, this is the organisation that murders anyone for attempting to come up with new designs and ideas. Maybe make it a form of Cataphractii terminators with minor jet boosters.

well the rumors about his tribe being cursed are true meaning any friend or ally too close to him is bound to have something horrific happen to them also i updated his lore in the first comment on this top this page
Also what is the night crawler do you mean the night haunter?

naoki the curseblood wrote:
well the rumors about his tribe being cursed are true meaning any friend or ally too close to him is bound to have something horrific happen to them also i updated his lore in the first comment on this top this page
Also what is the night crawler do you mean the night haunter?

Yes, the Night Haunter. That's twice this morning I've said some nonsensicle BS instead of the actual name. Maybe I should go back to bed.

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
well the rumors about his tribe being cursed are true meaning any friend or ally too close to him is bound to have something horrific happen to them also i updated his lore in the first comment on this top this page
Also what is the night crawler do you mean the night haunter?

Yes, the Night Haunter. That's twice this morning I've said some nonsensicle BS instead of the actual name. Maybe I should go back to bed.

Perhaps i could add something like that to his lore kind of reminds me of these two 40k theories videos
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jl9SR_dd3xw
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7NKTzF11z3c

Aye, I always find that the mental health of the characters in 40k is so fascinating.

 mrhappyface wrote:
Aye, I always find that the mental health of the characters in 40k is so fascinating.

i agree with you there i'll be editing the fandex now

Here's the new draft of the fandex
Feel free to criticise

Just a heads up I'll be doing some edits

Here's the new draft of the fandex
Think anyone could help me make new chracters please?

I've done a quick edit just now

Could anyone please give me advice on what eldar should be the chapters allies?
[Edit]
i've added a link to the updated version of the fandex

The pointy eared devils would never ally with the Mon'kays unless it was a life or death situation, and even then they're right pricks about it. Allying with the Eldar is not very common due to the Eldar's hatred of the Imperium and the fact that they look down upon all of Humanity and when they do want help from the Imperium usually they will trick the Imperium into helping them. I think, rather than allies, you would have your chapter and the Eldar mutually agree that they shouldn't kill each other while there are bigger monsters in the night, but that won't stop a marine from accidently firing a volly of bolts into an Eldar Farseer and it won't stop the Farseer from accidently stabbing a marine in the neck.

 mrhappyface wrote:
The pointy eared devils would never ally with the Mon'kays unless it was a life or death situation, and even then they're right pricks about it. Allying with the Eldar is not very common due to the Eldar's hatred of the Imperium and the fact that they look down upon all of Humanity and when they do want help from the Imperium usually they will trick the Imperium into helping them. I think, rather than allies, you would have your chapter and the Eldar mutually agree that they shouldn't kill each other while there are bigger monsters in the night, but that won't stop a marine from accidently firing a volly of bolts into an Eldar Farseer and it won't stop the Farseer from accidently stabbing a marine in the neck.

I see you have good points but what about the harlequins?

naoki the curseblood wrote:
I see you have good points but what about the harlequins?

They protect the Black Library and rarely leave the Webway.

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
I see you have good points but what about the harlequins?

They protect the Black Library and rarely leave the Webway.

i see if they were allies with them this could explain their access to the webway as my idea is the silent claws utilize said webway

naoki the curseblood wrote:

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
I see you have good points but what about the harlequins?

They protect the Black Library and rarely leave the Webway.

i see if they were allies with them this could explain their access to the webway as my idea is the silent claws utilize said webway

Perhaps your Wise Menders could be one of the few Humans allowed access to the Black Library by the Black Council...

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:

 mrhappyface wrote:

naoki the curseblood wrote:
I see you have good points but what about the harlequins?

They protect the Black Library and rarely leave the Webway.

i see if they were allies with them this could explain their access to the webway as my idea is the silent claws utilize said webway

Perhaps your Wise Menders could be one of the few Humans allowed access to the Black Library by the Black Council...

perhaps


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Just a heads up i'm editing the fandex as we speak it will contain more lore about the chapters combat doctrine, beliefs and added lore to it's units as well

Could anyone be willing to offer suggestions of ways i can make the Silent Claws lore more darker as in grim dark

naoki the curseblood wrote:
Could anyone be willing to offer suggestions of ways i can make the Silent Claws lore more darker as in grim dark

Give them a dark, terrible secret or some kind of fatal flaw. Alternatively, give them some cruel rituals and traditions. Or a dark, horrifying goal that they work towards. Lots of possibilities.

As I've said before in this thread: give them the psychopathic curiousities of the Night Lords, have them flay their enemies in battle, have them torture their prisoners, have them display the skinned faces of their enemies and wear capes of human meat.

 mrhappyface wrote:
As I've said before in this thread: give them the psychopathic curiousities of the Night Lords, have them flay their enemies in battle, have them torture their prisoners, have them display the skinned faces of their enemies and wear capes of human meat.

would collecting their skulls be grim dark and also i want to show the chapter has a unique struggle for survival additionally i'm having trouble with making the chapter's culture as it is based on both theAqualyan culture and that of those from Secretis also partially that of Scorn