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Many years ago in a galaxy that seems far, far away this Englishman was a young lad with dreams of painting like the best of the best on the 'Eavy Metal team.

There were no tutorials back then, no YouTube, no internet! Not even any forums!

There were pictures in White Dwarf that went from having a pure white model to a masterpiece with no explanation of what happened in between apart from "paint this colour".

I was not the most.....artistic child, as you will soon see, so my best efforts didn't always (ever) turn out as I wanted.

I am making this topic for anyone who either wants a giggle at some awfully painted models (I'm not precious and these are BAD) and for those of you who sometimes feel that their painting isn't the best. Trust me that however bad your painting, it will be better than An Actual Englishboy's. I might post some pics of my current models to show you that anyone, literally anyone can become a half decent painter with time, effort and dedication but only if people want them. This is primarily a feelgood thread, not a me showing off thread.

I actually returned to 40k because I was not content that I could never paint as well as I wanted. I studied, I watched videos and I practiced thinking I'd do one or two models. Years later here I am with a ton of Orks and some very sad, old Eldar models.

Prepare your eyes and apologies in advance.

Englishman.

OK. My first squad - Striking Scorpions.

Here's a gem I like to call Striking Scorpiderp.

Another angle of the wonderful Skorpiderp.

Note the "grass effect" on the base that just so happens to be the same green as the rest of the Scorpion. Almost like I had only one shade of green and that was all. Almost like I used no different shades of any colour, nor did I have any concept of 'shading' or 'highlighting' until much later....

I just dribbled ... (I don't cry when laughing, I dribble ... deal with it!).

Fantastic work, mate! I really think you should state your age when painting each mini ... that kind of assumes you're gonna delight us with a whole series of "progressive pics"

 War Drone wrote:
I just dribbled ... (I don't cry when laughing, I dribble ... deal with it!).

Fantastic work, mate! I really think you should state your age when painting each mini ... that kind of assumes you're gonna delight us with a whole series of "progressive pics"

Lol dribble away and thank you very much - I'm glad you enjoyed the first of my masterpieces.

I reckon I was 11 when I painted that Scorpion. 11 year old me thought it was a solid 7/10 model, until I saw models painted by other people (particularly those in the shop!).

I do have other models I would like to share, Karandras is one of my most.....interesting(?) pieces.

Still better than just about everything I painted until the last 18months or so!!! Hit it with some Agrax and it'll be reet good... :-D

 JohnnyHell wrote:
Still better than just about everything I painted until the last 18months or so!!! Hit it with some Agrax and it'll be reet good... :-D

Lol I think even the blessed Agrax will struggle to save some of my minis. It gets worse.

I'll post maybe a mini a day, don't want to blow the awful load straight away so to speak.

I agree with War Drone- for an 11 year old, that figure isn't bad. The style of the day was a lot more 'toy soldier-ish' also- the piece ain't bad. Having said that, it will be interesting to see if your style evolved over time....?

 Meer_Cat wrote:
I agree with War Drone- for an 11 year old, that figure isn't bad. The style of the day was a lot more 'toy soldier-ish' also- the piece ain't bad. Having said that, it will be interesting to see if your style evolved over time....?

This was not the response I was expecting. Perhaps this was one of my better models. I remember pouring hours into them.

I think my style did evolve a little but on some minis it went in a good direction while others became a fair bit worse.

Wait until you see my attempt at skin, lol.

Right time for an update.

I title this piece "Howling Bananashee".

Age - 11/12.
Second unit.
Notable features - yellow power sword. Yellow armour. Yellow everything!

E - approx time to complete - 7 hours.

This is my new favourite plog. "Bananashee" has me in tears!

 JohnnyHell wrote:
This is my new favourite plog. "Bananashee" has me in tears!

Hehe thanks man! Glad to be of service.

Bad painters unite! the bananashe is a thing of beauty.

My new favourite Dakka P&M blog.

When I eventually find my old stuff, I dread to think what it will look like.

 amazingturtles wrote:
Bad painters unite! the bananashe is a thing of beauty.

Lol beauty is certainly one thing to call it. It hurts my eyes. I have more than one lol. Imagine a squad of them.

Herbington wrote:
My new favourite Dakka P&M blog.

When I eventually find my old stuff, I dread to think what it will look like.

Hehe bring out your old models! They're all welcome here! Whenever I feel down I just take a look at these models and they perk me right up. New pic to follow very shortly!

Nice

At least the eldar faves weren't used
Amethyst and Glistening Green

Right time for a new piece I think! Apologies for the delay, work and things (gym, family) have been irritatingly oppressive. But I'm finally free! Free to post pictures of my awful models for the entertainment of the masses.

As a bit of an aside I chose Eldar back when I was but a wee lad for a few reasons as follows;
1. The Avatar of Khaine artwork in the OG codex made me nerdgasm.
2. I thought their units looked the coolest. So sleek.
3. I thought Space Marines were just jacked up humans (boring).
4. Almost all of the models in the range wore masks. Masks meant no faces. I did not like the idea of painting faces (you'll see why later).
5. I thought they'd be easier to paint. Easier to paint. Easier to paint!!

Here's a little something I like to call - 'If only the Dragon could burn itself'.

Age - 11/12.
Third 'unit'.
Notable features - those black soul stones baby!

Approx completion time - 6 hours (getting better!).

I've got an Eldar Jetbike somewhere I painted once that makes these look _Good_.

Seriously.

And a Blue Falcon Gravtank. Not in a good way.

AdmiralHalsey wrote:
I've got an Eldar Jetbike somewhere I painted once that makes these look _Good_.

Seriously.

And a Blue Falcon Gravtank. Not in a good way.

I don't know if it's against the rules or anything but I have no problem in anyone else posting pics of their awful models in here. Just so long as it's your model and not someone else's.

#slothsquad

Lol one of the main reasons I quit 40k because I sprayed a Grav Tank so thickly in black paint that the details just disappeared. I was so pissed I just had enough. That grav tank has been soaked in paint stripper for a week and now sits at my painting table, ready to be converted into an Ork Trukk or Battlewagon. One day!

I've seen far worse. But I've seen well over 10,000 minis up close and in all their glory. I used to do paint judging at a large tournament. The things I've seen...

Each of those minis stands only a few more hours of work from being better than gamepiece/tabletop quality. No kidding.

Patience and Practice my good man. You can do it.

Bananashee is a good one

 Red Harvest wrote:
I've seen far worse. But I've seen well over 10,000 minis up close and in all their glory. I used to do paint judging at a large tournament. The things I've seen...

Each of those minis stands only a few more hours of work from being better than gamepiece/tabletop quality. No kidding.

Patience and Practice my good man. You can do it.

Bananashee is a good one

Hehe I feel like the flash or something is making these minis look better than they are.

I also feel that nothing short of a long wash in paint stripper will save them lol. The funny thing is it's incredibly obvious what each unit is and that they're all different. That's what happens when you do block colours I suppose. Dat gameplay bonus.

I think I'm better than this now. This was 20 years ago lol

My old Rogue Trader beakies would have given you a run for your money - dunked the poor buggers in Humbrol Enamel Gold, no concept of the difference between acrylic and enamels!

Liking this, it brings back memories :-)

Love it. More please.

 Skinflint Games wrote:
My old Rogue Trader beakies would have given you a run for your money - dunked the poor buggers in Humbrol Enamel Gold, no concept of the difference between acrylic and enamels!

Liking this, it brings back memories :-)

Haha, a strong tactic the old dunking donuts technique. Pretty much what I did with the poor Grav Tank.

Here we are again, now the sun has set we can bring out the horrors of yesteryear.

What I'm thinking is once I've done the single models I'll look to do a few squad pics so you can see them in all their glory, together as a unit. I might even do an army pic.

I do have *one* model that I did as a child that wasn't too bad - I'll post that some time soon because I want to finish on what is, in my opinion, the worst models.

Anyway with that out of the way it's time to look at the latest beauty. Obviously younger me believed that the better a targeting system, the larger the eye piece. Makes sense right? This ranger won't miss anything with eyes that big.

Name - Bug Eyed Bill or Eyeball Paul - you decide!
Age - 12/13.
Did this after the Fire Derpons.
Notable features - Jeepers creepers how'd you get those peepers?! I also left some parts metallic for "reasons".

Approx completion time - 10 hours. I took my time with this one, really wanted to get the coat done 'properly' and I made a bit more effort on the gun I believe. 2 colours baby!

Rear view with those sweet metallic details.

Aw. it even looks like he has a little beak!

I really am tempted to dig out more of my old guard now.

Andykp wrote:
Love it. More please.

They'll come don't worry!

Don't know what happened with my post then, apologies all

 amazingturtles wrote:
Aw. it even looks like he has a little beak!

I really am tempted to dig out more of my old guard now.

Do it! Lol didn't notice the beak, a nice touch I think

I am really enjoying this blog. As I look at these models, I am reminded of what the painter Picasso said. "It took me four years to pint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child." I really like to paint my models to look as 'realistic' as possible. Still, there is a joy and fun in these models that is sometimes lost as we try to get more realistic. I am looking forward to your next pictures.

 Oldmanronald wrote:
I am really enjoying this blog. As I look at these models, I am reminded of what the painter Picasso said. "It took me four years to pint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child." I really like to paint my models to look as 'realistic' as possible. Still, there is a joy and fun in these models that is sometimes lost as we try to get more realistic. I am looking forward to your next pictures.

Hahaha these models remind me of Picasso in that they're deformed monstrosities of colour and shape.

Right time for an update. Doing something a little different today. This is what I consider to be the second or third best model I painted when I was younger. I also did a really good fantasy Bloodletter and Khorne Hound but I can't find them at the mo, so you'll have to make do with this guy.

I think he's actually pretty good, all things considered. This is just about the pinnacle of Englishboy's painting technique. By this point I had at least learnt to mix paints (to make that boss purple) and I even tried a cool blood effect on the base, as you will soon see. The unpainted metallic loincloth is a bit bizarre, but y'know, all artists have to experiment, right? I reckon this was the last model I completed in 40k as a child, around the age of 15. Then it was all sex, drugs and rock n roll! Well in my head at least!

Name - He's dead inside, but not outside!
Age - 14/15.
Last 40k model completed as a youth.
Notable features - actually keeping in the lines! Silver (unpainted) loincloth is intentional. Check out his purple weapon baby! Blood on the base!!?!?!

Approx completion time - 8 hours. This wasn't too bad given the simple scheme and relatively easy model shape.

Few more of this bad lad.