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Which parts do you find funny,to me the ork,eldar and tyranid parts are funny.

Any examples?

meh, the best part was when they describe how to survive exposure to the void.

"hold your breath, "swim back to the ship", or wait for rescue.

here are examples http://bbs.stardestroyer.net/viewtopic.php?t=113493&highlight=40k

IIRc there is a death certificate to be filled out on the first page..

Not very inspiring.

Gallows humor, yes?

I do not own the book, however I recall reading somewhere that it states Orks are rather fragile due to their lower-than-human muscle density and can be fought by using one's fists and a side stance avoiding to move the legs.

I keep picturing some poor Guardsmen getting chopped to death while trying this.

So I used my entrenching tool to dig mine out..

"A common battlefield predicament is the loss of a limb(s)."

Greaaat..

Also "Do not deface" (write in this space)

"ON PAIN OF DEATH"

Cranky..

But the best is in the in the muntiorium book. On a form about half way down it says.

"Departmento Muntorium Eyes only.
Do not read below this line!"

Thats so stupid I just cant comprehend it. .

Damocles

Tau are Poor shots. Attack from afar.

Beware the Tau. They'll sacrifice your babies to their Gods!

Regs from both primers Paraphrased

Failure to salute?
Flogged

Drunk on Duty?
Flogged then shot

Hurt yourself to get out of combat?
Flogged, Flayed and then shot

Failure to display rank insignia?
One way trip to Penal legion

Dishonor the Departmento Muntorium?
Shot immediately

Blood on your weapons? Cant be stuffed cleaning it off?
Brig 30 days

Form filled out Incorrectly?
Attend Workshop 666X









Automatically Appended Next Post:

Dakkadood wrote:I do not own the book, however I recall reading somewhere that it states Orks are rather fragile due to their lower-than-human muscle density and can be fought by using one's fists and a side stance avoiding to move the legs.

I keep picturing some poor Guardsmen getting chopped to death while trying this.

It does say that.. Also says that warbosses are big and provided an easy target. A lasgun shot to the face and they will drop like a sack of sand.

But remeber orks and guard are S3 lawl.

Actually, I do beleve the fact that ork muscle density is lower than humans, which prevents them from being S4 and its just that they have so much of it that makes them a (high) S3. Same with Tau eyesight, everything past five (or is it fifteen?) meters is a blur! Of course they have optics that any guardsman would loot in a heatbeat that bump it up to BS3. Use that one in ammo for the next time anyone whines about BS 3 FW's.

sniperjolly wrote:Actually, I do beleve the fact that ork muscle density is lower than humans, which prevents them from being S4 and its just that they have so much of it that makes them a (high) S3.

That might be it. Nobz are S4 though, and most Orks (including Boyz) have Furious Charge to represent their sheer ferocity and momentum of charging.

Yeah, I'm definetly not challanging or doubting that they are effective in CC, they do have as many attacks as genestealers after all.

Suicide is a crime and punishable by death.

Correction, attempted suicide is punishable by death. By flogging.

r3n3g8b0y wrote:Suicide is a crime and punishable by death.

As it used to be in England.

I laughed at the part on the Eldar in which says that their technology is weaker than Imperial because it simply doesn't have Machine spirit.

I haven't read the Uplifting Primer, but there are plenty of amusing instructions on modern day weapons and in current military publications. A lot of them would probably also apply to our Guardsmen friends.

Judging by my experience in the US military (little though it may be) I think most of these are probably fairly accurate. This being said, I have not personally verified all of the sources and, of course, a wise man should never take anything without a grain of salt.

"Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army rocket launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army training notice

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." - U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army preventive maintenance publication

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Corps memo.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David H. Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper - once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your buddies

"If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Army ordnance manual

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force flight training

DoW

Genestealers apparently have puny claws.
Apparently Tau are descended from cows and therefore excrete a large amount of methane.
"battlesuits are given to warriors who are even more cowardly than their compatriots"
info in a hammerhead railgun: "the discharge is about as powerful as a hotshot round from a lasgun"
My all time favorite:"the Tau are not only filthy aliens, they are filthy aliens who consort with other filthy aliens"

Litanies and prayers are funny.

Is this book worth buying or will it irratate me more then anything else?

DogOfWar wrote:I haven't read the Uplifting Primer, but there are plenty of amusing instructions on modern day weapons and in current military publications. A lot of them would probably also apply to our Guardsmen friends.

Judging by my experience in the US military (little though it may be) I think most of these are probably fairly accurate. This being said, I have not personally verified all of the sources and, of course, a wise man should never take anything without a grain of salt.

"Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army rocket launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army training notice

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." - U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army preventive maintenance publication

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Corps memo.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David H. Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper - once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your buddies

"If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Army ordnance manual

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force flight training

DoW

I remember when we were learning how to use the claymore mine how the mine had "This side toward enemy" written on it...

Funny?



There's nothing about about the Uplifting Primer. This sacred book is all that keeps you alive on the field!

Now, stop all this heresy and go charge those orks. And while you're at it, shoot those Tau.

And when you're done, report to the field commissar for flogging.

Emperors Faithful wrote:


And when you're done, report to the field commissar for flogging.

Flogging? With a feather tipped wip!
Commissars might be secert sadist....

Sadist?
If disciplining riff-raff guardsmen and killing heretics means I'm a sadist then, by jove, I'm a sadist!

Emperors Faithful wrote:Sadist?
If disciplining riff-raff guardsmen and killing heretics means I'm a sadist then, by jove, I'm a sadist!

tigonesskay wrote:
I remember when we were learning how to use the claymore mine how the mine had "This side toward enemy" written on it...

According to my sources the US government actually developed a nuclear claymore mine. It was a green box approximately 2 meters across. On all six facings it had written "This side towards enemy".

dementedwombat wrote:

tigonesskay wrote:
I remember when we were learning how to use the claymore mine how the mine had "This side toward enemy" written on it...

According to my sources the US government actually developed a nuclear claymore mine. It was a green box approximately 2 meters across. On all six facings it had written "This side towards enemy".

Sounds like a plan.

A NUCLEAR claymore???? What were they thinking?? This reminds me when we were learning how to react to a nuclear blast. Which basically was a fancy way of saying "Cover your face, turn towards the blast and fall down flat prone. When the debris stop falling get up". If you're that close to see the blast hope that you die quickly....

A buddy of mine who was in the Australian infantry back in the day (East Timor, etc) mentioned that they had to put "Do Not Eat Contents" (or similar) on them because guys were cracking them open to eat the contents and get high (and eventually get very sick).

Eldar are weak because they are tall and thin.

dementedwombat wrote:

tigonesskay wrote:
I remember when we were learning how to use the claymore mine how the mine had "This side toward enemy" written on it...

According to my sources the US government actually developed a nuclear claymore mine. It was a green box approximately 2 meters across. On all six facings it had written "This side towards enemy".

Dunno that one but they did develop a nuclear mortar shell (the Davey Crockett IIRC) where the blast radius was larger than the range of the weapon.