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Ok. Before i start, i'd like some preliminary feedback
Basically, i have an english GCSE soming up, and i need tow rite an origonal piece of writing for it. Now, being the type who likes tog et his creative juices flowing before the exam, i decided i'd write up a bit of fiction to do with the seige of vraks. Now, id like some feedback nice n' quick, would you guys be interested in a story about Kreigsmen in the trenches in a first world war style trench fight?
Or would you find it poor taste? (ive once had the serious misfortune of writing coursework which took influence from d-day....and apparently the examiner didnt take too kindly....)

Additionally, ive got two characters planned out, but i'd like some ideas as to who else would be needed. But, before you can do that, i guess you would want an overview of what i had in mind...

Basically, drawing from hellish warfare fiction, deathwatch (a cheap budget film which is suprisingly good) and some history books, i want to recreate the path a sergeant of a Kreig squad goes through, starting from the first days of the war. The character in question does not yet obtain a name, but im sure with some help (hint hint) a suitable one could be created. Now the sergeant is all your archytypical hero needs, brave, modest, looks out for the small 'uns, stands up against authority... And i have him planned out pretty much dead to rights. Any other suggestions of course will be embraced with my usual fervour. Now the second character, is basically some untrained youth who the sergeant has taken under his wing. He's a coward (but, when faced with the horrors of trench warfare, combined with chaos, who would exactly be raring to go to war?) and a poor shot, but is determined to prove himself and survive the war. This character needs mroe fleshing out.

Now, your turn im hoping to get a good few responses, so, ill PM a few of my m8s and see what they can think of, but, i also want YOUR ideas *points at the dakka masses*

A few ideas

A commissar
A field medic
A quartermaster
guardsmen of varying shapes n' sizes...

OK, thanks for looking, and please, post your thoughts.

I like the idea. trench warfare is very good for creative writing. I would go along the lines of a medic dealing with the horrors of vraks. Make sure you make the gory, detailed bits extra detailed.

Though to be true, do the vraks regements use medics? I've only read vraks 1 so I don't know so much about them.

Edit: you could also write about a commisar having to deal with his concience (Death korps of krieg, concience, thats an oximoron isn't it? )

Hehe two characters right there and then

I like the idea of a battle weary commissar, who is torn between the call of duty and his own feelings. Maybe going mad... i can see it now..

And im sure theyll have medics even if it isnt stated, they sure as hell have sinister looking quartermasters who collect the equipment from the fallen. Probably this said medic will have to do something suitably visceral, like trying to patch up a still living soldier in a crater filled to the brim with dead and filth

The quatermaster should be a little insane. Not in the same way as the Comissar, but rather while he is talking to you he should be examining your equipment for repo instead of looking you in the eye maybe commenting on its condition or something like that.

I think your second character should have some kind of useful talent and not be that same dumb kid shown in every WW2 movie ever released. Maybe make him a good shot instead? Squad radio man? Mechanic? Just a thought, otherwise writing for those characters gets kind of vanilla.

I actually say all of them...main reason why is the Medic give the inability to coop... the commissar his steel balls... the guardmen (note men) for the reasons their there, and quart master for the fun little insanity part

Maybe the sergeants superiors come up with some stupid plan involving marching troops forward until victory? [or all troops have been exhausted]

Anyway, the sergeant stands up to these orders, the commissar either disagrees and puts a bullet in his head, agrees and they get their way or is indifferent and the sergeant has to go back to the trenches.

Also, I don't know who was being fought in the siege of vraks, considering I've read nothing on it lol :(.

Characters:

Heinreich Vorrs, sergeant of the Death korp light infantry.

Vorrs is a veteran of a series of actions against chaos, and is fully prepared for what is to come. Very little fazes him, and his will to serve the emperor over rides his fears. Upon landing on Vraks, Vorrs was sceptical as to how long the reclamation of the planet would take. The high command has said it would take 8 years of trench warfare to overthrow the Apostate-Cardinal Xaphan, but three years into the conflict, and just little over five miles of progress has been made, Vorrs is beginning to have doubts about the war. With fresh reinforcements pouring in every day, it was only a matter of time before he met Rek.

Claudius James Rek, Private of the Death korps light infantry [recantly drafted]

Rek had only just left Kreigs training acadamy when he was enlisted into service for the Vrak seige. He is seen as a liability, and was given enough rations to last him a day, due to the lack of belief he would last any longer. Rek has never shot anyone before, and came last inaccuracy at the acadamy. However, he is a niave young trooper, who is determined to impress his peers.

Medical Officer Christof Baummer, Head surgeon of the light infantry

Quiet, solemn Kreig man, 35 years of age. He is the medic for the unit, seeing to it that the Kreig soldiers who are injured can live to die on a new battle field for the Emperor. He has become a cynic after being forced to patch up many men, only for them to die before he could finish treating them. On his off duty time, he mixes low dose painkillers with high potency alcohol to combat memories and nightmares that refuse to leave him. Occasionally indulges in the use of a narcotic that he shares with Sapper Duval.

Sapper Johan Duval, combat engineer of the 320th Cadian ‘steel toes’

A combat engineer serving with a different regiment, and a Cadian. 33 years old.
Due to near constant shelling of the trenches, Johan is constantly in the frontlines, repairing and refitting them. He has had precious little sleep, due to constantly being called up to reinforce the trenches. He is paranoid from nine-too-many close calls from shelling of sections of the trenches he was working on. To combat his sleeplessness, he uses an illegal narcotic that he smokes after being given to by the medic.


QuarterMaster Franz Kemmerich, head provisioner of the light infantry

A Krieg quartermaster who lost his left leg following an engagement early on in the war. Despite this loss, he has found a new function as quartermaster. Stingy and distrustful, he catalogs every scrap of equipment that comes into his dugout, and meticulously arranges and rearranges the equipment by type, length, width, etc, a result of undiagnosed post-traumatic-stress-disorder. He was a capable shot early on in the war, and was nearly made a sniper before his injury occurred, leaving him bitter and angry. He is addicted to morphine, and will readily trade his precious equipment for some. 45 years old.


three of these are from golden eye scout, so you have him to thank, but i promise i will incorperate some more insanity into the quartermaster, as i love the idea of him eyeing up peoples equipment as he talks to them.

EDIT: the Commissar is still in the works, as he is vital in the story, he's like the main antagonist, as opposed to the chaos forces. Still need ideas, so post em up!

I would have liked to see a sniper or two. Maybe a Super-Heavy tank commander also, that's all.

Actually ya.... And not just any SH commander but a Machuarias tank commander


and maybe a Artillery officer... and another Cadian... and not just any cadian... like a cadian that is some what.... different... -nudge nudge wink wink-

and no I do not mean Chaos traitor...

Creed?

I would suggest looking into reading All Quiet on the Western Front, or Storm of Steel by Ernst Junger, which will be great be great for some ideas on trench warfare.

Golden Eyed Scout wrote:I would suggest looking into reading All Quiet on the Western Front, or Storm of Steel by Ernst Junger, which will be great be great for some ideas on trench warfare.

Seconded, All Quiet on the Western Front is brilliant. Plus, it is already written from a German pov, so its basically Krieg already.

Yup, same as the Junger book.

Chapter 1
"Sniper"
Vorrs trudged through the earthworks with grim resignation. It was another night of waiting. Another night of watching. For the last three years, he had gone on watch the same time, every night. The monotony of his life, combined with the horrors of war, had quickly stripped him of all joy. Navigating his way along the trench Vorrs skirted round the large puddles, and stepped over his fellow Kreigsmen who were trying to catch some sleep amongst the filth and detritus in the trench. As he passed a soldier on watch, the man turned and smiled at him through crooked brown teeth.

“Alright there sarge? It’s a quiet night, the bastards are keeping their heads down, they’re probably getting dug in for the dawn assault.”

Vorrs relieved the guardsmen of his post. He propped himself up against the wall, and leaning heavily on his rifle butt, he gazed into the pitch black of night, and searched for signs of movement. The dawn assault. A hundred Kreigsmen would be sent out over no mans land, in an attempt to over run the traitor guard lines. A suicidal charge over no mans land, into the guns of the Apostate-Cardinal’s armies. The thought of having to watch a wave of men charge over the top, made him feel queasy. And for what? The soldiers died in their droves, and their bodies would fall onto the bodies of the previous days casualties, and they on their predecessors. He was once told that most of no mans land consisted of the mulched remains of soldiers, but he had never really believed it. Well, not entirely. Vorrs dispelled these morbid thoughts, and occupied himself with examining the occupants of the trench around him. A couple of veterans were playing cards, with a rain sodden deck. A female guardsmen was trying to pull a brush through here matted hair. An old haggard death korp was snoring soundly. And amongst it all, was a group of new recruits. Fresh into the trenches this morning, judging by their terrified expressions, and uncontrollable shivering. Vorrs mused to himself, that by tomorrow morning, if two were still alive from the group, it would be a miracle. He turned back to look into the blasted landscape, when he saw a glint of light near the silhouette of a charred tree stump. Vorrs ducked, before he registered he was doing so, and a bullet whistled past where his head had been a second before. It seemed that tonight may be more exiting than he had first thought.

***

nice

Awesome! Black library quality ahoy!

You know, as I sat here this morning, fiddling with the nagash model, I thought to myself

'I have lots of free time'

And then I thought of this thread, that I shamelessly abandoned.

So, I decided to pull myself together, and maybe post a bit, see if I get any nibbles.



Vorrs, scrambled back to his feet, aware that every second he wasn’t at his post, was another second the sniper would have to reload. A kreigsmen nearby got up and tossed Vorrs a small periscope, before he sat back down on a sodden sandbag, and tried to get comfy again. Vorrs peered into no mans land through the grainy image from the device he held. It all looked the same out there, and he knew the sniper would need to fire again if Vorrs had a chance of bringing him down.

Muttering profanities under his breath, he dislodged his helmet from his head, and held it at arms length. Then, peering down the ‘scope, he watched the wasteland before him for signs of movement. The sniper must have reloaded now, and was probably waiting for another chance. Vorrs grinned. Best give it to him then.

He carefully lifted the helmet just above the trench parapet, imitating a careless guardsman not keeping his head down. A sunburst of light flashed just off to the left, and a fraction of a second later, his helmet was struck by a hardcase round. The force of the bullet wrenched Vorr’s wrist, and he dropped the helmet, with a grunt of pain.

“Got you now, you son of a b*tch.” He growled through his teeth.

Vorrs lifted his lasgun carefully over the lip of the trench, making sure he did it slowly, as to not attract unwanted attention from his rival. He clicked the safety off, and switched the setting to full burst. He only had one shot at this, and he had to make it count. The sniper was probably looking for another target, so he had plenty of time.

Then again, maybe the sniper hadn’t fooled for his trick. Maybe this sniper was smart.

Vorrs dismissed this notion. If the sniper was one of the brighter ones, he’d have moved after the first shot. He saw the flash of light again, and heard a muffled cry from down the trenches. Cursing himself for waiting, Vorrs fired into the gloom. No more shots came after that.

Leaping down from the trench, he grabbed up his helmet, ignoring the fact it was half filled with effluent, and rammed it onto his head. Fluid dribbled down his head as he half ran, half waded through the tench towards the source of the cry he’d heard just seconds earlier.

A rookie had been hit. He wasn’t dead, but his hand was horribly mutilated, fingers sticking in different directions.
A couple of the injured’s friends were huddled round, one of whom was cradling one of the severed fingers.

“Gimme that trooper!” Vorrs barked, as he snatched it out of the unresisting hands. The recruits stared up at him with a mixture of terror and awe.

“One of you, get up on that trench quickly! And help this one up, he needs medical attention. C’mon move it you slack jawed bastards or I’ll ram my trench baton up your arse so far every time you swallow you’ll taste wood. Move it! Go!” He roared.

A sleeping veteran mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like ‘sod off you jumped up bugger’ nearby, before he turned over and fell back asleep.

The recruits complied, hastily helping the injured recruit to his feet, whilst one of the braver ones clambered up onto the trench.

Vorrs lifted the soldier over his shoulder and began to jog down the trench.

“where we going..” mumbled a voice from his back.

“Medical. Gonna get that hand of yours put back together, you’ll be needed in the fight tomorrow.”

With that Vorrs and the recruit moved through the network of trenches in silence, heading for the hospices…

Don't you ever abandon us again!

Great story though, hope to see some more really REALLY soon!

I'm still here.

After a while trudging through the liquid mud, Vorrs felt motivated to say something- anything.

“So, kid, you gotta name?” he growled.

The recruit his arm was supporting turned and looked at him, through the gasmask he was still wearing. Vorrs shook his head.

“2 things you need to learn fast out here, is firstly, that you don’t need to wear your mask all the time, and second, you must know how to securely fasten your mask. If we get gassed, that’s gonna do sh*t preventing it killing you. We clear?”

The child nodded, and looked away.

“Oi, don’t avoid the question, or I’ll pull rank. What’s your name?”

He mumbled something, which Vorr’s couldn’t quite make out.
“Say again? My ears are half filled with mud.”

‘and you aren’t as young as you used to be’ chirped his conscience.

The boy looked up at him, and repeated his name louder.

“Claudius, sir.”

Vorrs grinned toothily. What a name. They trudged on in silence.

As the duo passed a cross section, a mass of grey and brown skidded past them, before slowing down next to Vorrs. It was a man, all thin and weedy, with a mass of greasy hair that hung over his eyes. An unkempt beard grew heavily over his face, and his eyes were sunken deep into his sockets, giving him the image of being recently deceased. The uniform he wore was torn and stained, and was covered with rags.

“H-hey Vorrs me ol’ mate, you gotta help me!” the unhinged voice rang. Before the sergeant could reply, the newcomer continued. “You gotta get me to medical, I have shellshock!”

Vorrs eyed him closely.

“We both know you don’t, who are you running from this time?”

“Commissar! He thinks I ran away this morning, from the front!”

Suddenly Vorrs was backing away from the dishevelled man, dragging himself in front of Clarence, as if shielding him from harm. “Back off mate, that’s a death sentence, for you, and anyone you affiliate with. Go away, I aren’t having no part in it.”

Claudius’s eyes widened at the sight of the newcomer drawing his bayonet.

“I-if you don’t help me, ill stick you like a pig! Don’t think I wont do it!” he practically screamed.
Vorrs knew he wasn’t bluffing. He’d heard down the trench someone had been found with a spade in the back of their head, ‘cos they won a game of cards against this miscreant.

He then saw something he’d never thought he would be glad to see. A commissar was marching down the trench, heading straight for them. The man screamed and ran, but in his terror, he forgot about all the trenches little quirks. Everyone got to know them after a while, like which rung not to tread on, or what areas have an unexploded mine buried under the floorboards.
This quirk, was a six foot deep hole that served as a refuse dump, when it wasn’t flooded. The fleeing man didn’t see the said hole, as it was partially underwater.

That said, as his foot plunged downwords, and didn’t connect with ground, but instead more water, a flicker of realisation crossed his face, and he even managed to scream before he fell in. He resurfaced a second later, and tried to climb out. But even in the best of weathers, the ground in the trenches was soft. In the rainy seasons, it was like trying to stand on milk. Therefore, each time he tried to grip on, he would slip back into the hole. After the third attempt he found himself cast under a shadow. He looked up.

Commissar Krosht loomed over him, and began to recite out the last words he would hear.

“Trooper Mcrenzik, you have been found guilty of cowardice, treason, theft, murder and… and imitating a superior officer. Your sentence is to hang at dawn, but seeing as I can’t be bothered to keep you locked up for a day, and it’s a waste of rope, I am just going to shoot you.”

Mcrenzik did the only thing he could to try to prolong his life. He held his breath and sank into the water in the hole.

Krosht sighed heavily, and pulled a grenade from his belt. He pulled the pin, and dropped it into the hole, before he turned and marched towards Vorrs and Claudius. Behind him the hole erupted in a blast of water, mud, and the occasional limb…

E-Pic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kick-ass Commissar Move

Awesome winnissar action!

I don't think I've ever seen Imperial Guard written so well, Ghosty! It's actually quite a hard thing to do - keeping them alive, keeping the story interesting, especially when you could just do marines or something. But this is really good!

Pure epic awesomeness with a side of AMAZING!

Good work here, but if you haven't read anything on the Siege of Vraks, you might wanna. The fluff for that is AMAZING and easy to work into stories, and the DCOK isnt like the other guard regiments. They have no medics, and no fear of death. In fact, they relish the idea of dying in the Emperor's name.

Epic Commissar is Epic.

Inquisitor Lord Bane wrote:Good work here, but if you haven't read anything on the Siege of Vraks, you might wanna. The fluff for that is AMAZING and easy to work into stories, and the DCOK isnt like the other guard regiments. They have no medics, and no fear of death. In fact, they relish the idea of dying in the Emperor's name.

I would like to challenge the medic thing.
In the second Ultramarines novel, a nurse of the Ordos Hospitallier treats DKOK troops.
So though they don't have medics especially for them, they do have medics.
Also, I was the one who suggested a medic character, so complain to me.

I'm not complaining. I'm just saying how the canon goes. His story can be written however he wants it to. I was just suggesting checking out the background on them to give a new perspective, or a base to start branching off of. Thats what makes this a great hobby, you can do what you want.