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Hello all, for those of you new to my story, here is part one in spoilers


For everyone else

----Countless starts raced past the view ports of the transport ship. A lone marine watched them in silence. As a distant star flickered and went out, the marine wondered briefly whether it was natural or by outside influence; exterminatus or something more sinister. Pulling himself away from the port he returned to the table where his gear was stored. He had a private room, and for that he was thankful. Brushing aside the thoughts of the stars he began to ponder the mission he had been given; he was to join a conclave of marines. What he was to do from there was yet unknown. Slowly, he looked over to where his helmet laid, its purple and white quartered scheme his own heraldry. Slowly he lifted it and gazed at his reflection in the lenses, his face lined with the scars of glorious victories, as well as costly ones. Closing his eyes he placed his helmet on his head and locked it in place. He had only removed it to gaze out the viewport.

The loud crackle of the ship’s intercom broke the silence, announcing their approach to the battle barge The Burden of Atlas. He quickly began to finish his preparations, flexing the custom reinforced arm of his armor and lifting his storm shield with it. With his other hand he grabbed his trusted flamer and sat, laying it across his lap. His mind flickered to his many battles as his fingers traced across the hull of the weapon. Feeling the ship slow snapped him into alertness, and a barely audible noise rang out. He didn’t need to open his eyes to know the dim red lights in his room had been switched to green, and as he began to stand, the intercom crackled again, ‘zzht… We have arrived, Brother Zifu..”

Smiling to himself as the pilot told him the obvious, he slowly stood and walked through the doorway and down the ramp into a massive hanger. Glancing around, he took in all the details immediately; the gun servitors training their weapons on the ship, the hulking loader servitors carrying cargo from other ships as well as refueling and rearming the Thunderhawks. He noticed the 30 strong assembled marines in the hanger, picking out the veterans and sergeants by the gold icons on their armor, as well as their capes and plumed helmets. A marine armored in golden plate stood apart from the rest, and as he approached Zifu noted that although he had ornate armor, he did not have useless baubles or ornaments. The golden marine removed his helmet and bared his face, if not for the telling scars of battle the fair face could have belonged to a marine half his age. “Greetings,” The Honor Guard began, “you have arrived in good time, Ice Angel. The remaining members of the Conclave are scheduled to arrive any moment. You may remain on deck until then. You will all be shown to your rooms upon their arrival.” As he finished speaking he nodded to Zifu and then returned to his formation, clipping his helmet to his side.

Zifu strode past them, gazing at the robed serfs about and checking dials and readouts, noticing one stood apart. His height and the fact he did not seem to be performing any tasks betrayed him as a space marine, albeit without armor. Zifu began to walk over to him, and as he drew near, the marine spun and his eyes widened as he saw the hulking marine approaching. The robed marine quickly made his way over and threw his hand to his chest in salute, “You must be Brother Zifu, I have heard..”

“How do you know of me?” Zifu interrupted, studying the marine before him

“My apologies, Brother,” the marine said, “I am Brother Deemethresi, of Squad Kurigulzu”

Zifu’s eyes widened inside his helmet, he had heard there had already been an Ice Angel assigned to the conclave, but he had always assumed something had happened to warrant his own assignment. Not recognizing the name of the marine, but of the squad, Zifu nodded and returned the salute, replying, “Forgive me brother, without armor I did not recognize you as an Ice Angel…”

Their conversation was cut short as the doors of the landing back opened again, this time a Thunderhawk landed, its massive hull pitted by scars of countless years of service. The ship's frontal ramp opened with gouts of steam, and slowly marines stepped from the interior. Zifu recognized some of the chapters represented, and had no idea what others were. First off was a marine in powder blue armor, sporting a large grey beard, closely following was a marine in yellow armor with purple trim, holding a bronze bolter and a marine with a deep crimson armor, blue tassles hanging from his greave and a large knife hanging from his belt. Next stepped out a marine in pure white, wielding a power sword and a storm bolter worked into his gauntlet, and behind him a marine armored in shades of grey and white, his piercing red eyes standing out from his drab armor. Next came marines from chapters Zifu recognized, a Mantis Warrior stepped out holding a plasma gun at his side, a Hawk Lord with a plasma pistol and powerfist at his heels, followed by a chaplain of the Angels of Absolution chapter, his glowing green eyes met with Zifu’s briefly before he stepped apart from the other marines assembled. An Angel Encarmine walked out next, his powersword sheathed by his side, along with a Salamander, who held his power sword in a lose grip.

From the bowels came three more marines, a techmarine of an unknown chapter with a blue and a red greave, his servo arm holding his power axe. The next warrior walked down swiftly, his white robe flowing about his green armor. At his side hung three swords, and his helmet was made in the shape of an insect's visage. Zifu noticed his ornate shoulder was similar to the Mantis Warriors’ heraldry, and coupled with the helmet he noted this must be a Mantis Warrior as well. Last off the Thunderhawk was the strangest marine Zifu had set eyes on. He walked slowly, his steps seemingly louder than the other marines before him. His armor looked as if it had been lived in for countless battles without cleaning or maintenance. Zifu could not ponder about this for long because he caught sight of something more troublesome. This marine did not have a helmet, but instead a large capsule, painted to look like an open maw, covered his head. He rotated his head slowly, and Zifu wondered how he could see. As the marine turned his gaze back to Zifu, he nodded slightly. Zifu made a mental note to inquire about his strange headgear.

A loud clanging broke his focus on the mysterious marine, and Zifu looked up to notice the unloading of a dreadnaught supervised by the Chaplain that had stepped out earlier. As the dreadnaught stepped into view, opening and closing his massive fingers and shifting his plasma cannon, Zifu understood why, the ancient one was also of the Angels of Absolution.

As the golden marine approached the group, Zifu walked back over to Deemethresi, who had been watching the entire ensemble of marines step out in awe. “It seems we are not the only chapter represented in double” Zifu stated and Deemethresi nodded, watching the golden marine approach them to give the welcoming speech.

“I am glad you are here Brother” Deemethresi spoke, “I have been on board for many weeks awaiting the arrival of the Conclave…” ----



This will be an ongoing story of all my marines from the Great Marine Swap. Any others not mentioned in this shall be added in as I recieve them and in clever ways

photos of them all for your viewing pleasure:


For those who sent me a model I did not mention the chapter of the marine, please tell me what it is

C&C welcomed!

Some spaces between the sentences can make the reading more enjoyable BBL!

whoops, it was all nice and formatted before the copy and paste. Let me see if I can fix all that

Battle Brother Lucifer wrote:whoops, it was all nice and formatted before the copy and paste. Let me see if I can fix all that

For copy/paste jobs, just add an extra space in Microsoft Word before tossing the lot of it into the forums.

Also, are any of these warriors currently in the Great Marine Swap Fiction thread? I don't want to axe murder any of them if you are using them.

I just went and added spaces between the 'paragraphs'

any better?

A few quick notes:

Talk aloud some of the sentences to see if they flow well. The key to a good story is to make it transition from one part to another. What a sentence contains is as important as the whole story itself, especially if the story is shorter than a novella.

There are some places where a period is better than a comma, ending that line of thought and starting another.

For example:

-Stars, endless and distant raced past the view ports of the transport ship, a lone marine watching them in silence.

could instead be-

Countless starts raced past the view ports of the transport ship. A lone marine watched them in silence.

It gives the opening a firmer tone; more gravity if you will.

he Honor Guard began, “you arrival is in good time."

should be... the Honor Guard began, "you arrived in good time."

Sometimes less is better. I have a habit of tossing in words to make my sentences look full and vibrant. The brutally short version could have more impact.

Brother Deemethresi could stand out a bit more by the mere fact he is over 12 feet tall compared to the other normal six foot humans.

Otherwise, continue to tinker with it, making it flow.

In the distance a loitering robed man and busy serfs would look similar, but I see what you mean. Also, I believe in the 'SM's are about 8-9ft tall, 10 being the 'tall' ones' rule (which I may or may not have just made up ).

I posted this slightly hasty because I was excited I finally wrote something again, and thanks for the advice, I'm gonna go over it all again in a little and update the op

Ok, I have made some small changes, let me know what you think everyone

Cool stuff. The updates you've done really helped. I think there are a couple more you may want to edit. The second word for example, you used the word starts and it should be stars.

Also, you use the phrase "eyes widened" several times right after another. You may want to change one of them.

In this sentence, "Zifu strode past them, gazing at the robed serfs about and checking dials and readouts, noticing one stood apart." You may want to rework the middle of the sentence. Doesn't really flow. I understand what you're going for but it doesn't flow as it should.

One minor thing, in this sentence..... “Forgive me brother, without armor I did not recognize you as an Ice Angel…”

I think he would have said something more like, “Forgive me, without armor I did not recognize you as a brethren…” or brother, or something to that effect. That way it would reinforce the fact they are both of the same chapter.

@bbl Good start. I hope you continue your story. I look forward to reading more.

Thanks Ice. I'll go back over again soon. Chapter 3 shall be added soon as well

Chapter 3: The Inquisitor
Meanwhile, in the Aphixi Sector

---- The stars filling the sky around Kalor V shined bright as usual, but for the first time in years there was something else in the sky: a trail of fire followed a strange cylinder. The escape pod hurtled through space, glowing from the heat of re-entry and it crashed into the planet surface. The pod sat in the crater it made, hissing as it cooled, and after a long time the door slid open, a single imperial guardsman dragged himself out slowly and looked up at the night sky. The guardsman's face was lined with scars, and a few new cuts bled down his face as he fumbled his hand down his torn pant leg to feel the holes and his small wounds. Sighing deeply he took his las-pistol from his holster and forced himself to his feet, knowing there was no time to waste. As he began moving toward the facility in the distance, he looked once more into the sky, and cursed as he saw the first ships materializing form the warp. Ignoring the pain, he broke into a run; they had to be warned

Inside the facility, servitors continued with their appointed duties, and the guardsmen on watch checked out the view ports. "Another boring night, it seems.." Began the first, glancing over to his partner for the watch.

"You say it as if its a bad thing" the second retorted, rubbing his hands together as he waited for their shift to end. A sudden alarm ringing snapped both men to full alert, and as one ran to the monitor on the opposite side of the room, the other lifted his binoculars to his eyes, scanning through the viewport. Seeing a tiny shape moving toward them, he eventually realized it was another guardsmen, and he signaled to his partner not to activate the defense protocols, waiting to see what a single guardsmen could be doing outside the facility after curfew.

He continued to run, knowing that if he didn't reach the facility everyone on the planet would die, and his morbid thought pushed him to an even greater speed as he neared the facility. Navigating through the complex tunnels to reach the gateway with ease from years of practice, the wounded guardsman hailed the facility through the vox by the door, and was greeted by a reply shortly.

"Who is this? Why are you out after curfew?"

"This is Lieutenant John Graves, open the door at once! I have news that.. He.. must hear immediately, the facility is going to be attacked!"

The two guardsmen on watch chuckled, thinking to themselves that nobody would dare, but they opened the door, going to greet the wounded man. As the door opened with a hiss of hydraulics, Graves collapsed forward and was barely caught by the watchmen. The pair assisted Graves as they quickly hurried back into the facility, the door closing tight behind them.

"Peterson, go activate the defense protocols!" Phillips said, holding Graves up as they hurried deeper into the facility before they finally stopped in front of a large, sealed door. Entering the codes into the pad beside the door, Phillips held his breath as the door unsealed and slid open, afraid of what Graves had to say, and how their master was going to take their interruption.

The moment the light filled the room the figure in the bed sprung up, scooping up and aiming his large plasma pistol at the men standing in his doorway, "Identify yourselves" he said in a commanding tone, his one good eye staring at the two men, although he already recognized the figure of Phillips.

"Private Phillips, Sir!"
"Lieutenant John Graves, Sir!" both men replied at once. With a sigh the figure set his plasma pistol back onto his desk next to a large mechanical arm. Slowly he got off his bed and wrapped his undercoat around himself, keeping his eye on both guardsmen intently,

"Why have you interrupted my sleep?" the figure asked, rubbing the stub of his right arm that ended just under his elbow.

"I come bearing news of great danger, even now the ruinous powers are on their way!" said an exhausted Graves, leaning against the wall to avoid falling down, "Our patrol was attacked by surprise by ships of the great enemy... If I were not forced into an escape pod and ejected, I would have died too. When I landed, I already saw ships materializing, they will be here so..." Graves stopped mid word as a great explosion was heard, "We must call for help!" He said.

As all this new information was feed to him, Alastor Ven nodded, grabbing his mechanical arm and affixing it to his stump, pulling his crimson overcoat on and activating the power pack attached to it. Flexing his mechanical fingers he pulled on his boots and grabbed his rosette, putting it around his neck as he set his hat on his head, brushing his long, braided ponytail out of his face, he pulled up his face mask and pulled on his long brown glove on his left hand.

"Then we have no time to waste" Inquisitor Ven said, grabbing his plasma pistol once more and setting off with the two guardsmen to the command center of the facility, hoping to get a distress signal out before the facility was taken ----

Any tips or C&C greatly appreciated, thank you for reading