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Some comments:

24 hours is a VERY short amount of time to have been working on a game. I would suggest developing it more before posting.

Break up the paragraphs more, you currently have a very intimidating wall of text that is difficult to read.

Your story line is rather unclear, general, and hard to follow.

All in all, you've got a few decent ideas, but they're quite unfocused. I would suggest working on it a bit more and seeing where it gets you!

Edit: Also, I would suggest proofreading to fix a few of the more glaring grammar mistakes.

Ok I will do this thanks.

heres one tip to doing one, don't make a game based around an IP that just came out and sucks, like gamesworkshop making a game around Space Marine which sucked

SouthTexanFrymire wrote:
heres one tip to doing one, don't make a game based around an IP that just came out and sucks, like gamesworkshop making a game around Space Marine which sucked

The Space Marine game was made from the GW IP, which has been around for over 20 years...

I only posted this to see what you guys thought. I haven't actually made the whole game yet



Automatically Appended Next Post:
Do you guys think that making this game with counters as the game pieces is at all a good idea?


Automatically Appended Next Post:
That was my freind I personally think that making the minis is a better idea.

SouthTexanFrymire wrote:
heres one tip to doing one, don't make a game based around an IP that just came out and sucks, like gamesworkshop making a game around Space Marine which sucked

...

...

Please tell me you're joking. For the love of god, just say you're joking.

Anyway, on topic:

You have quite a few problems so far. I personally am working on an indie wargame at the moment, all on my own with a few people from Dakka helping with play testing and such.

You need to break up your text into paragraphs. I personally found it incredibly difficult to actually understand with that massive chunk of text.
Punctuation and grammar go a long way. Along with some names being downright impossible to pronounce (jx'orth? Jezorth? Jecksorth? Dave?) it was again difficult to read at points.
You have some basic setting, but it's not only very vague (what time is this set in? Is it Sci-Fi? Post-Apoc?) you also seem to go into a story. Before you even think about individual units and characters (Jason and Squad #37) think about where the actual game takes place.
We have no idea what this game actually plays like. Is it a strategy game like Risk? A space war game? Tabletop battles? Any distinguishing features?

Also, as has been said, you need A LOT longer to do anything of any size. First draft of my original game took more than 120 hours to edit to an acceptable and reasonable standard, and in total contained something like 3,500 words. With my latest edition, I feel I could safely say in total I've poured in 200 hours to 5,500 words. It's difficult, it's thankless and requires a lot of dedication. I'm sure you could make something reasonable in some time, but not 24 hours.

Please feel free to check out some of my work through the banner in my sig, or PM me if you want any help.

SouthTexanFrymire wrote:
heres one tip to doing one, don't make a game based around an IP that just came out and sucks, like gamesworkshop making a game around Space Marine which sucked

Well. This post is amazing.

SouthTexanFrymire wrote:
heres one tip to doing one, don't make a game based around an IP that just came out and sucks, like gamesworkshop making a game around Space Marine which sucked

[Obligatory Penny Arcade reference]

 Mannahnin wrote:

SouthTexanFrymire wrote:
heres one tip to doing one, don't make a game based around an IP that just came out and sucks, like gamesworkshop making a game around Space Marine which sucked

[Obligatory Penny Arcade reference]

LMAO

EXALTED

Sorry I screwed up the article (iPad fail). As for the spelling, iPads suck at spellcheck and it is very hard to correct a misspelled word. I sincerely apologise for the bad spelling.