Fresh-Faced New User
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These are off another forum but anyway here goes:
40K JOKES
Failed Space Marine legion-names:
Bright Angels
Emperor's Grandchildren
Rabid Wolves
Blood Donators
Iron Feet
Plant Eaters
Super marines
Mental Legion
Life Guard
999 Sons
Microsoft Word Bearers
Beta Legion
Heavy Metal Warriors
Constructors
Black Panthers
Storm Midgets
Nice Weather Lords
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Uses for a Lasgun
Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V. channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.
Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants
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Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:
Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
A remote controlled Necron
A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth
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What the Emperor's thinking:
"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."
"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."
"Why can't they hook up a Playstation 40,000 in here?"
"Damn, my foot's asleep again."
"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."
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Battlecry of the Word Bearers:
"How much word could a word bearer bear if a word bearer could bear words?"
Death Guard Motto:
"A sickness a day keeps the Imperials away, and death at bay, or so they say."
Now showing in movie theatres in the Eye of Terror, the award-winning documentary/horror/action-movie: "Children of the Khorne"
Iron Warriors at the beach:
- My sandcastle is bigger than yours!
- No it isn't!
- Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile lauchers!
- Well mine's got that aswell, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!
- Your lascannons aren't placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You'd have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the sea-shell , while your terminators got into position over by that piece of seaweed. And barbed wire placed over there isn't gonna slow the enemy down! Youve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the dead starfish, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that crab over there assaulted this wall? I'd suggest a squad of...
Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"CHARGE!!!"
"Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"
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Space Marine Commandments:
1. Thou shalt not make fun of other chapters names.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. .Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
20. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
21. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
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An Imperial Guardsmen's Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not take sick leave while having Sisters Of Battle In the next Camp.
2. Thou shall not cut his or her hair with bayonet.
3. Thou shall not put graffiti on Space Marine's equipment.
4. Thou shall not replace a Space Marines bolter with a las-gun.
5. Thou shall not use a grenades pin as an earring.
6. Thou shall not experiment with frag grenades.
7.Thou shall not play with flamers.
Uses for an Imperial Guardsman's Bayonet
A dandy can opener
cutting your vegetables
mugging the guys in the camp next to you
prop swords
pantsing your commander
looking like a thug
fighting grots (still may not work)
a reflective surface for signalling
shaving (use whipped cream from rations with it)
quick and easy haircuts
a belt buckle
commiting suicide (might work if you try hard enough)
gardening
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Tyranids:
1) Thou shalt not look up when it rains.
2) Thou shall not drown in one's saliva.
3) Thou shalt not hit the Zoanthrope's Head while it sleeps.
4) Thou shalt not play tag with spores.
5) Thous shalt not make references to Godzilla.
6) Thou shall not eat rippers, they are not morsale.
7) Thou shall not cling to Hive Tyrant for protection and claim thee is a bio-morph.
8) Thou shalt not spring up infront of bullet to block it during shoo the big one's for thou shall surely die and will not stopith thee bullet.
9) Thou shall respect thy Hive mind.
10) Thou shall not play pigeon shooting by loading thy friend ripper inot a gun and firing thy friend ripper at a spore launched by a biovore.
11) Thou shall not hiss and screech "KABOOM!" to see if thy spore mines flinch when scared, for thee shall surely go boom.
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Necrons:
1) Thou shall not download any viruses to prove how though thou is.
2) Thou shall not ride scarabs into battle like skate boards.
3) Thou shall not allow any object to press thy reboot button.
4) Thou shall not keep scarabs as pets.
5) Thou shall not ask thy nightbringer to read thee a bed time story.
6) Thy Crystal a top thee monolith is not a mirror for if thee looks into it thee shall surely FRY.
7) C3-PO is not thy brother.
8) Thou shall not request for thy entertainment a magic show by thy fellow wraith.
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Tau:
1) Thy pulse rifle shall not be any bigger then thee.
2) Thy guadian drone is not a hover chair.
3) When telling thy story of killing thee foe for thy wanted peace, thou shall turn off thy family drone before thy shout..., "FIRE! said our commander."
4) Thou shall not build remote controls and wire thy remotes frequency to control thy commanders drone.
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Space Marines
1) Thou shall not make references to smurfs when thy fellow Ultramarine is by.
2) Thy Librarian Hath better things to do then read thee a bedtime story.
3) When thy encounter Sisters thou shall not surrende to be thy sister's P.O.W. for thou disgraceth thee self and thy squadron if thee does.
4) Thou shall not invite thy Space Wolve's squadron to thy banquet of victory for thou shall if thee does see true savageness.
5) Thou shall not lead thy brother Blood Angel to thy donation center for blood!
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39 ways to tell if you play too much 40K:
1.You frequently shout WAAAAGH!!! out the window of your car (going slightly over the speed limit)...
2.You have a car that is full of holes, and fifty rhinos that aren't.
3.You call people who play WFB deviants.
4.If you call people heretics on a daily basis...
5.If your car is painted to match your chapter markings, and has a las-cannon mounted on top.
5.If you commonly refer to Skaters as Eldar, and you think the Terminator is a 40k based movie...
6.If you have a c'tan opener in your kitchen.
7.upon seeing a vicious dog you fail your morale test and run away screaming
8.you paint your car red becuase you think it'll make it go faster
9.your best freind is an arco-flagellant
10.You've named your dogs Ferki and Gerki
11.You call spraying your home for roaches exterminatus.
12.You call breaking out the winter clothing bringing out the terminator armor.
13.Your friends ask to see your "little black book" and you bring out the 40k rulebook.
14.You don't know that the Smurfs really aren't the Ultramarines and Papa Smurf is not Marneus Calgar/Robute Guilliman.
15.Your dog Russ ran away and you don't want him to come back because you fear it will end the world.
16.Someone says "I'm allergic to spores" and you think "who isn't, those things explode!"
17.You can write a complete army list in abbreviations.
18.you make threats to people involving drop pods and certain red-armored marines...
19.to begin to refer to descisions you make in your every day life as "leadership checks, morale tests, and armor saves"
20.when someone refers to an angry nun you hit the deck because you think bolter shells will begin flying
21.you begin to reach for your bolt pistol only to realize that you dont own a bolt pistol (yet)
22.you get disgusted when you begin talking about the solders in your army and no one understands who you are talking about.
23.when some one yells "cockroach" you ask for a lazcannon. when one is not forth coming, you begin declareing "exterminatus" on the general viscinity of the "bug alert" because you realize that it is too late for these poor souls. they were probably infested already anyway.
24.you make crytic threats about the might of your leagions and that you will sick them on any one who ****es you off.
25.when some one asks what kind of car you have and you tell them that you own a baneblade
26.You're playing baseball, and roll dice to see whether you should miss the ball deliberately
27.You walk three meters, then stop , then walk three meters, then stop, etc.
28.You get repeatedly beaten up after calling Bike Gangs "Speed Freaks"
29.You get arrested because you started praying to Slaanesh on the bus in your own special way
30.you have more armies than friends
31.you carry dice in your pocket 'just in case...'
32.you can only afford to eat beans, but 'look at this cool new model I just bought'
33.you wonder why Alien wasn't sued for copyright infringement
34.your computer spellchecker automatically corrects 'Orc' to 'Ork'
35.When buying a computer you check for the Machine Cult seal of the Omnissiah, and upon discovering it is not there, rant and rave until they draw on a gear with a skull in the middle.
36.You get your football team to shout waagh after every huddle.
37.Your self portrait is in power armor.
38.You accidentally have your army list when grocery shopping.
39.Your credit card is maxed out at $40,000.
Lots and Lots of ways to annoy your opponent:
1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook (hours of fun).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that it?s his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says Warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.
50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent
1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
7. Dress in character.
8. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
9. Speak only in third person.
10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
12. Only roll one die at a time.
13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
22. Claim your miniatures are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved by Judge Dredd.
33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
38. Converts all wheeled models into lowriders. Including cannons and chariots.
39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
44. Write army list in pig Latin and binary.
45. Fuzzy dice.
46. Start each game with the national anthem.
47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.
--------------------------------------------------------------More Bashing of Thy 40K Universe:
1-Thou shalt not use thy lasgun to cook thy poptart.
2- Thou shalt not use grots as self replaceing bowling pins, it may offend thy orks.
3- Thou shalt not ask thy dark angels why they wear thy womens nighty's to battle.
4- Thou shalt not ask thy space wolves why thy have womens hair.
5- Thou shalt not use thy defiler to carve turkeys.
6- Thy impeirial radars are not to be used as barbacues.
7- Thy chaos marines have not replaced their heads with thy ones of goats.
8- Thy shant ask why Whirlwinds do not look like rhinos because the arcutect could not be botherd to make a new design.
9- Thine garments of thy farseers are not actuly dressing gowns.
10- Thy imperium can spell, it is not in thy spoken english language.
1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter [INQUISTIONAL EDIT: purity-censored]es,"nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "RedRage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without theaid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similarmanner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins ofbaked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons,"nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come aknockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as"Miss Cleo".
23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box .
24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny, does not count as an?enemy casualty?.
25. Thou shalt not clog the Lasscannon tubes ?just to see what happens?.
26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a dreadnaught.
27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the chaplain?s hand whilst wearing apowerfist.
28. Putting sand inside the terminators? armour is not ?funny?.
29. Thou shalt not refer to the standard of fortitude as a ?walking stick?
30. Thou shalt not refer to the bolt-pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter.
31. The earthshaker cannon is not a ?hat stand? nor is the sentinel a ?standardlamp?.
32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with ImperialGuard Chimeras.
33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of thechaplain?s armour.
34. Thou shalt not compliment the dark eldar by calling them "kinky"
35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
36. Thou shalt not replace the holy ungents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol
37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke
38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the commander?s power armour with laughing gas
39. Thou shalt not train a hormogaunt to be a watchdog
40. Thou shalt not take "old one eye" out of context...?He's in myartificer armour he..he..duh!?
41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippy alter boys"
42. Thou shalt not taunt an eldar "gee didn't these use to shootfurther?"
43. Thou shalt not refer to the golden throne as "the nicest commode inthe galaxy"
44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint.
45. Thou shalt not throw a warp beast a dog biscuit.
46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a witch/ sisters battle.
47. Thou shalt not ask a warlock what he wears under his robe.
48. Thou shalt not tease an inquisitor with "look sir-heretics!"
49. Thou shalt not play wack-a-mole with those little jawa-wannabe dark angel thingies (tangent).
50. Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a plasma gun.
51. Thou shalt not take the rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out HisMost Holy acquisitions forms.
52. Thou shalt not ask the librarian if he has records concerning Uranus.
53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a ?novelty toaster?
54. Thou shalt not ask the apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue.
55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a terminators' suit during battle.
56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling snotlings.
57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the emperor (unless properly addressed to do so)
58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches.
59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as ?psychological warfare? norshalt thou refer to the index astartes as ?the book of grudges?
60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the emperor to crap or get off the throne?
61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport.
62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your primarch" debate.
63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battle cry when wielding a power sword and entering an assault
64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels.
65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the space wolves.
66. Duct-taping a flamer to your boltgun does not count as a combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "master crafted"
67. Thou shalt not punt grots for pleasure.
68. Thou shalt not shout ?thongs for the thong god in front of the Dark Eldarlest thou wishes to learn the true meaning of pain.
69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the DarkEldar.
70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the harlequin.
71. Power armour never makes a sister look fat.
72. Thou shalt not laugh manically when flaming the non-believers.
73. Thou shalt not use thunder hammers to play crocket.
74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a c'tan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale.
75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethern, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incediary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within his His Most Holy showering facilities.
76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons.
77. Thou shalt not ask roughriders if you can pet their ponies.
78. Thou shalt not stray from the adeptus mechanicus's directive towardsornamentation of rhinos-specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneousexhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice.
79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counterstrike'.
80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the land speeder joyriding.
81. Remember, shining lasguns in the guards? eyes is WRONG.
82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a daemon.
83. Thou shall not call the sacred plasma gunners of the imperial guard 'fizz busters'.
84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the chapter master's equipment.
85. Thou shall not use supported warhounds to 'play ball' with imperial guard sentinels.
86. It is NOT cool to feed snotlings copious amounts of narcotics!
87. It is not ?funny? to dress up as a bloodletter and jump out in front of the chapter master.
88. Replacing a brother's ammunition with blanks is not ?funny?
89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons.
90. Playing naughty movies in your power armour?s autosenses is not sanctionedby the Adeptus Astartes.
91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities.
92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered dreadnaught brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?"
93. Thou shalt not commandeer drop pods to go for pizza.
94. Thou shalt not refer to the emperor?s champion as "that brown-noser"
95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be tyranids.
96. Thou shalt not tickle the fallen to press for confession and redemption.
97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking "Can you hear me now", repetively in an attempt to drive him insane.
98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes".
99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays.
100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"
101. Thou shalt not do Scooby Doo impersonations when speaking to the SpaceWolves.
102. Thou shalt not tell the Salamanders "sorry about the multimeltathing"
103. Thou shall not ask directions from the wulfen.
104. Thou shall not ask berserkers for an axe.
105. Thou shalt not do doughnuts in a rhino, unless thou wishest to clean the passenger's vomit from the floor, as doughnuts make passengers dizzy
106. Thou shalt not write "Biggest [INQUISTIONAL EDIT: purity-censored] on the Battlefield" on theside of thy land raider, even if it is true.
107. Thou shalt not take the Rhino out on Saturdays to 'impress the girls'.
108. Tyranids are not cute.
109. Though shalt not use lasguns as laser sights for thy bolters
110. Just because you?re fighting necrons it doesnt mean your standard equipment is a skaven and a tin opener.
111. Thou shalt not throw snowballs at Salamander Space Marines whilst yelling"THINK FAST!"
112. Thou shalt not ask Ork prisoners "why the red ones go faster"
113. Thou shalt not attempt to drown out noise marines with ye old rave music
114. Never ask a dreadnought "how old are you?"
115. Thou shalt not use the golden throne as a microwave
116. Thou shalt not wear a dress in the presence of the dark angels
117. Thou shalt not wear fake fangs in the presence of the wolves
118. Thou shalt not ask a space wolf if he wants a biscuit
119. Thou shalt not eat another marine?s paste
120. Thou shalt not trip a dark angel in front of a interrorgator chaplain
121. Thou shalt not trip an interrorgator-chaplain
122. Thou shalt not fill demolisher shells with lots of flowers.
123. Scouts are not 'target practice'.
124. Thou shalt not replace the Chapter Master's weapon with a plastic sword.
125. It is not funny to put an 'Eat me' sign on the Librarian's back prior to a Tyranid attack.
126. Thou shalt NOT refer to the Dreadnought as 'Grandad', nor shalt thou hangan 'I told you I was sick' sign from it.
127. Thou shalt not play 'peek-a-boo' with the machine spirit.
128. Thou shalt not unscrew your battle breathrens leg plates.
129. It is not funny to play ring toss with orks tusks.
130. When faced by the inquisition, dont laugh.
131. Necrons are not cans
132. Thou shalt not eat prunes before a battle
133. Thou shalt not refer to the company Techmarine as "Scotty."
134. Thou shalt not challenge the Terminator company to a game of "Twister."
135. Thou shalt not refer to ripper swarms as... "cute."
136. Thou shalt not refer to Catachan guard as "tree hugging hippies"
137. Thou shalt not suggest the Eldar "live long and prosper."
138. Thou shalt not tell a space wolf it smells as if something crawled up and died in their mouth.
139. Thou shalt not replace the Space Wolves store of Tuna with cans of puppy chow.
140. Thou shalt not use imperial guardsmen as sticks while playing fetch with a hive tyrant.
141. Thou shall not use flame falcons to toast thy marsh mellows
142. Thou shall not ask an inquisitor's psyber-eagle "does polly wanna cracker?"
143. Thou shall not ask the Lametors "are ya feeling lucky punk, well are ya?"
144. Dating the Veteran Sergeant is the exclusive privilege of the Heavy weapon trooper
145. Thou shalt not ask the Eldar females if they are interested in a hand-portable 'Vibro Cannon'...
146. Thou shalt not strut around Imperial Guardsmen bragging about how well-equipped' you are.
147. Thou shalt not ask the Thousand Sons if they are that slow on purpose.
148. Thou shalt not taunt the Imperial Guard with threats of utilizing a lascannon upon their posteriors in an unnatural fashion.
149. Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet."
150. Thou shalt not challenge Karandras the Shadow hunter to an arm-wrestling match
151. Thou shalt not refer to Eldar Swooping Hawk grenades as "birddroppings," nor shalt thou taunt them by using a mortar to pet them with birdseed.
152. Thou shalt not use the emperor's champion iron halo to play horseshoes in thy free time.
153. Thou shalt not use the chapter standard to dry thy undergarments upon
154. Thou shalt NEVER take the Steve Irwin Approach to Tyranids; if they do not respond to external stimuli, do not attempt to poke it with a stick.
155. Thou shalt not consider it "funny" to replace the smoke canisters in your Chapter's Land Raider's Smoke Launchers with narcotic substances
156. He who takes advantage of the Emperor's paralysis by painting his fingernails will be summarily executed
157. Shoulder Pads are not to be removed for use as ice-cream scoops.
158. Thou shalt not replace our honoured brother Terminator Captain's Storm-bolter with a Vulcan Mega bolter, nor shalt thou feign surprise at his inability to lift it.
159. Thou shalt not distract our Librarian whilst he attempts to cast Smite,else thou shalt be forced to clean the inside of his helmet.
160. Thou shalt not replace a Thunderhawk's firebase supplies with bouncy castles.
161. Thou shalt not burn our Captain's robe on a cold night.
162. Thou shalt not replace the Apothecary's reductor with a syringe.
163. Undoing the straps between a brother and his jump-pack is not funny.
164. Thou shalt not utilise the Techmarine's signum for engaging in long and sexy chit-chat with Battle Sisters.
165. Thou shalt not replace the Grimoire of True Names with "Deamon Hunting for Dummies"
166. Thou shalt not put thine Emperor gifted gene seed into the beverage of your fellow Battle Brothers.
167. Thou shalt not duct tape over the emergency venting on the most holy plasma pistol of the Chapter Master
168. Thou shalt not make "Your Mama" jokes in the presence of the Adeptus Soritas
169. Though shalt not unscrew the bolts on thine brothers' greaves in order to "pants" him.
170. Thou shalt not use thine holy Fusion Gun as an arc welder.
171. Thou shall not play pin the tail on the Dreadnought
172. Thou shall not tell a dark angel "you cant handle the truth!"
173. thou shall not use bugspray on tyranids (it won't work only distrect)
174. thou shall not name a salamander dreathnought "the hulk"
176. never mix up khorn marines with blood angels
177. do not play golf with mortarion (he usses nurglings to move the ball)
178. never play American football with a bloodthirster
175.
179. Thou shalt not 'Take the titan for a spin'
180. Thou shalt not challenge guardsmen to arm wrestling whilst thou is wearing a power fist
181. Thou shalt not rent advertising space on thin banners
182. Thou shalt not hurt Cypher
183. Thou shalt not question commandment 182
184. Thou shalt not be turned on by anything related to Slaanesh
185. Thou shalt not refer to Daemonettes as 'booby daemons'
186. Thou shalt not glue thy land raider assault doors shut
187. Thou shalt not mock exalted member's of thy chapter for 'not having the enemies permission to fight'
188. If thou is worth 300 points thou must kill 300 pts before being allowed to die.
189. Thou shalt use unleaded gas only for thy landraider
190. Thou shalt not use servo skulls as baseballs
191. Thou shalt not laugh at thy brethren whom are from 1st or 2nd edition
192. Thou shalt not compare commisars to Nazis
193. By order of the Inquisition: There is no such thing as the Inquisition, questioning this will have thou deemed heretic by the Inquisition
194. Thou shalt not complain to thy Force Commanders in coming months when thou cannot attack the enemy immediately following exiting Rhinos
195. If thou are members of the Black Templar then thou must not whine that the Emperor's Champion has the your only Iron Halo
196. Thou shalt not install hydraulics on thy Rhino
197. Thou shall not question the decoration of the Chapter fortress: if skulls with wings are good enough for Him on Terra they are good enough for you.
198. Thou shall not strap lawn furniture to jump packs in an attempt to recreate first ed. Land Speeders.
199. Thou shall not complain about no longer having Jet Bikes.
200. Thou shall not confuse Guardsmen by shouting "OMG! Zerg Rush!".
201. Thou shall not point out there is no 175 commandment
202. Thou shall not give members of thy Biker squad Thunder Hammers and Grots so thy may play polo
203. Thou shalt never use Lasguns as flashlights during a night fight
204. Thou shalt not take the emperor's teeth in vain
205. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head
206. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or " onuts" on you bike.
207. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective in the morning.
208. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
209. Thou shalt not check to see if your Bolt Pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
210. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle Monasteries.
211. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
212. Thou shalt not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
213. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
214. Thou shalt not use thine Chainsword as a backscratcher.
215. Thou shalt not use thine Bolt Pistol as a q-tip.
216. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or " eath metal" through thine com-speakers.
217. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five?.
218. Thou shalt not laugh at how small Imperial Guardsmen are.
219. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
220. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters to the Astropaths.
221. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
222. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
223. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
224. Thou shalt guard thy Bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
225. Thou shalt not sniff Warp fumes.
226. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the ?Nids
227. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
228. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor.
229. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
230. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
231. Terminators and glue do not mix.
232. Thou shalt not spray paint thy armour to make it look cool.
234. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with Lasguns. (The guard needs them)
235. Thou shalt not juggle Power Weapons.
236. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's Monastery.
237. Grenades are not water balloons.
238. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
239. Thou shalt not use water guns against Necron.
240. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
241. Daemons are not your friends.
242. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
243. Barney is a heretic.
244. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
245. Barney is not a Tyranid
246. Digimons are not in the 40K universe.
247. Digimons are not affiliated with the Necron.
248. Pokemons are not Digimons!
249. Pokemons are not fun to play with.
250. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies, Orks, Gretchins or Commissars.
251. Thou shalt not play ?Truth or Dare? with Sisters.
252. Thou shalt not ?Spin the Bottle? with Sisters.
253. Thou shalt not play ?Hangman? with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
254. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
255. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
256. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
257. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
258. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
259. Shotguns are not practice guns.
260. Lasguns don?t make cool disco lights for your party.
261. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
262. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
263. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
264. Darth Vader isn?t the son of Abaddon.
265. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the Sisters.
266. ?It makes a funny noise? is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
267. ?He started it? is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
268. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
269. Thou shalt not sexually harass the Servitors even if they won?t notice.
270. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
271. Thou's name is not GiX.
272. Thou shalt not smoke, inhale or inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
273. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
274. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
275. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full moon out tonight!)
276. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the Inquisitor.
277. The Chaplain is not too preachy.
278. Gambling for Grots is not allowed.
279. Your sergeant is not a pugy [censored].
280. You shalt not smack the Sister?s butt and then wink at her.
281. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
282. Thou shalt not use a Flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
283. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid warzone.
284. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun when not in battle!
285. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company Marine can take (physical or psychical)!
286. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
289. Rico?s Roughnecks are not real.
290. Thou shalt not over-charge thy bike!
291. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for " rag-racing"!
292. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
293. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
294. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
295. Thou shalt not release Moriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
296. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
297. Thou shalt obey these 627 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
298. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
299. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get ?KFC? or ?Macca?s?.
300. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinius".
301. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch Sanguinous, the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
302. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
302. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
303. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thy armour!
304. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
305. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
306. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
307. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
308. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from Battle Brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
309. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranids? mighty One-Eyed monster ( arr pirate matey).
310. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
311. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
312. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
313. Thou shalt not chase thy Grot with a fork.
314. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard ?Sega Lock-Ons?.
315. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites ?pigs? or ?bacons?.
316. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
317. Inquisitors are not ?Nigel no friends?
318. Thou shalt not use thy laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
319. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
320. Thou shalt not play ?frisbee? with a Tau Shield Drone.
321. Remember a Primarch is for life not just for Christmas.
322. Thou shalt not eat toast in your Power Armour (I?m not going to vacume the crumbs out of the toes again).
323. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power Prmour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
324. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
325. Thou shalt not put bananas in the Commander's Rhino's exhaust pipes.
326. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
327. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
328. Thou shalt not offer to clean the Sister's armour whilst they change.
329. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
330. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
331. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
332. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
333. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
334. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
335. Thou shalt not swap your Battle Brothers gun with a water pistol.
336. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.
337. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour is too small.
338. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
339. ?No? means ?No?.
340. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
341. Thou shalt not refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
342. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
343. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
342. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchins.
343. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
344. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles or armour.
345. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
346. Thou shalt not yell ?catfight!? when Sisters argue.
347. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a Demolisher tank.
348. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau.
349. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
350. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
351. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
352. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing Necrons.
353. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
354. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else thou will have to join
the Sisters.
355. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly coloured Tyranid.
356. Thou shalt leave the Plasma Gun well and truly alone.
357. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work .
358. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep.
359. Thou shalt not load the dice.
360. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
361. Thou shalt not fire thy Bolter at enemies you can't really see except a leg sticking out of a building.
362. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
363. Thou shalt not make up rules.
364. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... argh anyone got a codex?
365. Thou shalt not laugh at the Cultist.
366. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when Greater Daemon of Tzeentch is around.
367. Thou shalt not use Penicillin tipped bolts in your Boltgun against Nurglings.
368. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
369. Thou shalt beware of possessed 2 litre coke bottles.
370. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
371. Thou shalt not aim at thy Commanders back.
372. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
373. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
374. Thou shalt not binge drinks with the Imperial Guard.
375. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
376. Thou art not unexpendable.
377. Thou shalt look before thou leap.
378. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
379. Thou shalt not use they Bike as a battering ram.
380. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speed assholeps.
381. Lord Logan is not "Wolfie".
382. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
383. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
384. Ultramarine scout is not "little boy blue".
385. Never refer to the Canoness as "big momma".
386. Thou shalt not put ?kick me? signs on thy Brothers backs.
387. Thou shalt not nail Nurglings to the back of the Rhino as fuzzy decorations.
388. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
389. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
390. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
391. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a Plasma Grenade for a laugh.
392. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured Vompanies as agoraphobes.
393. Thou shalt not ask Techmarines to put mag wheels on your Bike.
394. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
395. Thou shalt not sneak into the Rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking Angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
396. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the Monastery.
397. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius? blood.
398. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say thou didn't see them.
399. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
400. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
401. Thou shalt not give a Sister breast implants.
402. Neither shalt thou ask wether those ?guns? are real or not.
403. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
404. Thou shalt not overheat a Plasma Gun for a college prank.
405. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffeine.
406. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his penis.
407. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
408. Thou shalt not poop thy Power Armour.
409. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.
410. Thou shalt not over clock thine Pentium and use it as a Plasma weapon.
411. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG.
412. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
413. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
414. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
415. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt descend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
416. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau Stealth Suits so that you might spy on the Sisters in their quarters.
417. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
418. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies.
419. Thou shalt not play ?fetch? with a Kroot Hound using a Guardsman.
420. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
421. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
422. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
423. Thou shalt not feed the Warp Beasts.
424. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot Hounds.
425. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
426. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
427. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
428. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
429. Thou shalt not use thy Power Armour comm.-link to prank call the Imperial Guard Storm
Troopers.
430. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy Commanding Officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
431. Thy Bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
432. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
433. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea or coffee.
434. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
435. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", although thy might think it is.
436. When throwing thy holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one,
for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
437. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
438. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
439. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
440. Thou shalt not call Harlequins ?psychedelic? or ?groovy?
441. Thou shalt never show an army of Orks more than two Harlequins at once.
442. Thou shalt never laugh at the Laughing God.
443. Thou shalt never play ?Hide and Seek? with Librarians or Inquisitors.
444. Thou shalt not play ?tag? with Gaunts.
445. Thou shalt never tie thy Power Armour laces together.
446. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
447. Thou shalt never criticize the ?paper boys? in the Adeptus Administratum.
448. Thou shalt not sell Chapter property on eBay.
449. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine Battle Brothers waste disposal outlet tube.
450. Thou shalt not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
451. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
452. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
453. The Lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/
Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating.
454. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your Power Armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
455. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery whilst wearing Power Armour.
456. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a Bolter hit in the head, the
Guardsman over there can too.
457. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
458. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the Battle Barge.
459. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts or Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
460. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "Plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
461. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
462. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
463. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
464. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
465. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
466. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
467. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine Brethrens are in the back.
468. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle
Sisters still on board!
469. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thine self off as a Battle Sister.
470. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
471. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
472. Thou shalt not play ?fetch? with the Space Wolf Commanders ?pet? Fenrisian Wolves.
473. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
474. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of ?catch?.
475. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together
476. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister ?babe?.
477. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
478. Thou shalt not steal the Tau Pulse Rifles, even if they are better than thy Bolters.
479. Thou shalt not ask the Battle Sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
480. The Hellhound is not something you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
481. Thou shalt not arm-wrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
482. Thou shalt not watch whilst the Battle Sisters change out of their Power Armour.
483. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull their arms off and jump up and down on them.
484. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
485. Thou shalt not go to thy great Emperor and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
486. Thou shalt not wrestle the Battle Sisters and try to "pin them down".
487. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
488. A tank is not a toy.
489. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
490. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
491. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
492. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
493. Spiky Bitz are not 'cool'.
494. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
495. Thou shalt not use Power Claws as scissors.
496. Thou shalt not use Power Armour power points to plug in thy Gameboy.
497. Thou shalt not use Hellion skyboards to impress the Sisters.
498. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the Rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
499. If showing a Tau how your Boltgun works thou shalt not give it to him the wrong way round.
500. A Necron is not a Meccano kit
501. Thou shalt not tell the Inquisitor "say what you want about Chaos, but those Slaanesh can party!"
502. Though shalt not blast "flight of the Valkeries" when buzzing enemies in your Land Speeder
503. Thou shalt not trade His Most Delectable rations for gourmet Eldar tofu
504. Thou shalt not offer backscratches when issued Lightning Claws
505. Yes, it?s cheating to use Jump Packs during a basketball game
506. No, you can't pose for Playgirl's "the men of the Adeptus Astartes"
507. Enforcing discipline is not sending the Neophytes to procure strong monkish ale
508. Don't call the Adeptus Mechanicus about warranty information concerning your destroyed Land Raider
509. Don't shave a Bloodthirster in its sleep, it only makes them more angry when it wake up
510. Do not deface His Most Blessed Battle Barges with the assholeper sticker "We don't Brake"
511. Thou shalt not compare thy height with that of the Ratling Snipers
512. Thou Shalt not go the Way of The Navy
513. Thou Shalt Not Kick the Emperor if thy see the Kick me sign on Him.
514. Thou shall not try to prove your '1337' skills on Necrons, in the Eldar Webway, or on the Martian central cogitator mainframe
514. Thou shalt not throw a bone at a Bloodthirster or flesh hounds shouting fetch
515. Thou shalt not ask the Salamanders for a light
516. Thou shalt not get Blood Angles to go to anger management classes
517. Thou shalt not challenge White Scars to a street race.
518. Thou shall not referee to Imperial Guard as gun fodder
519. 20ft high electro-magnets should not be used around Necrons
520. Thou shall not place the liber chaotica in your ex-wife?s possession
521. Reid is completely useless against a Carnifex
522. Salamanders do not need to go to "how to stop burning things" classes
523. Thou shall not borrow the librarians psychic hood for the annual Guess Who Competition.
524. Thou shall not pour water on an Avatar
525. Thou shalt not attach a "For Sale: Previously owned by one careful user" to the wreck of a destroyed Dreadnought.
526. Thou shalt not feed bio-carbonate soda to the Inquisitors Psyber-Eagle
527. Thou shalt not use a Railgun as a see-saw.
528. Thou shalt not comment on Captain Tycho not having his "happy face" on.
529. Thou shalt not mention the phrase "bath time" in front of the space wolves.
530. Thou shalt never mention, under pain of death, the stunted race of humanoids that mysteriously disappeared from the universe for unexplained reasons.
531. Thou shalt not consider a detachment to Armageddon as a "Holiday".
532. Thou shalt not refer to Tallarn as "the big beach".
533. Thou shalt not tie an Inquisitors boot laces together and then run away giggling.
534. Thou shalt not utilise the highly sophisticated, advanced and expensive long range communications array to make prank phone calls to the local bar and ask for a "Mr I.P.
535. Thou shall not take the Emperor out walking
536. Thou shall not attempt to be friends with Tyranids
537. Thou shalt not "Borrow" the Land Raiders to race them then when they come back wrecked, blame it on chaos
538. Thou shalt not write clean me on a Catachan Chimera
539. Thou shalt not fry ants with the Meltagun
540. Thou shalt not fill the back of the Missile Launcher with promethium to "see what happens"
541. Thou shalt not paint "beware of dog" on the Wolf Lord's armour
542. Thou shalt not play pin the tail on the ass with the Rough Rider?s horses
543. Thou shalt not date Deamonettes or other followers of Slaanesh, no matter how tempting the concept may be.
544. Thou shall not blame the Chapel heating for falling asleep during prayer
545. Thou shall not paint 2 blue stripes down the middle of a Rhino and call it a 'Viper' variant
546. Tau are not 'noobs'
547. Thou shalt not refer to Assault Marines as 'tooled up pretty boys'
548. The Ultramarines do have a sense of humour
549. Thou shall not use the Land Raider for off road races
550. Thou shalt not give manicures to Lightning Claws
551. Thou shalt not procure Noisemarine?s weapons for thine garage band
552. Thou shalt not comment on the temperature around thine Salamanders Brethren
552. Thou shalt be punished for speaking the blasphemous "argh matey" around thine Chapter Master with the bionic leg
553. Thou shalt not offer to "pump you up" to Imperial Guardsmen
554. Thou shalt decline all invitations to party with Slannesh
555. Thou shalt not salvage Spore Mines for whoopee-cushions
556. Thou shalt not drag race thine abdominous opponents for bragging rights
557. Thou shalt not ask "Ever wonder if the machine god is a C'Tan?" or thine shalt be branded Heretic and purged.
558. "Pucker up homos!" is not an Adeptus Astartes approved battlecry
559. Thou shalt not suggest a Banshee take voice lessons.
560. Thou shalt not attempt to procure "the good stuff" from thine Apothecary
561. Thou shalt not suggest thine Chapter Master is "so old his farts bow dust"
562. Thou shalt not resort to nipple crippling when losing a fight girded with a Power Fist
563. An Honour badge was never granted for basket weaving or surfing, to suggest so in sacrilegious and thou shalt report to the Chaplain for suitable penance.
564. Thou shalt not replace thy Veteran Sergeants Bolt Pistol ammo for a flag with "bang" upon it.
565. Thou shalt not use Power Swords for letter openers.
566. Thou shalt not challenge Eldar to a bike race.
567. Thou shalt not place thy holey banana into a Ravenwing Bike exhaust.
568. Thou shalt not use Tyranid rending claws as tooth picks
569. Thou shalt not use thy Plasma Cannons power pack for Christmas lights.
570. Thou shalt not use Lightning Claws as back scratchers.
571. Thou shalt not use thy Techpriest tools to unblock thy holy toilet.
572. Thou shalt not use thy Emperors throne for personal use.
573. Thou shalt not use the Techmarine's Servo Arm to serve drinks.
574. Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Bike with a pedal-tricycle.
575. Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Holy Relic with a cuddly toy.
576. Thou shalt not use Chain Fists to clip thy toenails.
577. The fact that Razorbacks have spiked rams at the front does not entitle you to use them as assholeper cars.
578. Thou shalt not attempt to fill Smoke Launchers with Silly String.
579. Thou shalt not pester Dreadnoughts with "So what's it like to die then??
580. Thou shalt not sing "Who let the dogs out" when visiting the Fang
581. Thou shalt not offer the Emperor any kind of anti-wrinkle products
582. Thou shalt not do loops while flying a Battle Barge.
583. No, a Jump Pack is NOT a hairdryer.
584. Thou shalt not refer to Magneus Calgar as 'Papa Smurf'
585. Thou shalt not call Blood Angels 'pretty boys'
586. Thou shalt not say 'dead man walking' every time thou see a Dreadnought
587. Kroot hounds DO NOT make good Company mascots
588. Space Wolf bites are actually worse than their bark
589. Thou shalt not use Rhino dozer blades to help build thy Brother in laws patio
590. Remember Krootox are to be used as Christmas presents
591. Thou shalt not make breathing noises and say 'we meet at last Obi-Wan' when handling Power Weapons
592. Remember a 2+ armour save does not make you a Primarch
593. Thuo shalt not refer to Chaplain Lemartes as 'ticker-tape man'
594. Thou shalt not say to an Inquisitor 'hey, i hear they?re bringing out the Malus
Codicium in paperback'
595. Thou shalt not whistle 'close encounters of the 3rd kind' every time you see a Tau
596. Thou shalt not send Legion of the Damned Brethren trick or treating
597. Thou shalt not " rag" with the Chapters Thunderhawks
598. Thou shalt not ask an Ork for some "'sprooms"
599. When thou hast taken many casualties, thou shalt 'flee' towards the guns of thy enemy hoping that their next volley may be more accurate
600. Thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'Catholic fundamentalists'.
601. Regardless of any laws regarding 'Daemon season', thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'poachers'.
602. Thou shalt not make comparisons between Night Haunter and Batman.
603. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Inqui- *Bolter fire*
604. Thou shall not refer to the Golden Throne as a royal flush nor refer to a royal flush in poker as the golden throne
605. Thou shalt not have a thumb war while wearing a Power Fist
606. Thou shalt not take dancing lessons from Slannesh
607. Thou shalt not start a say that history is wrong and it was they Emperor who turned to Chaos
608. Thou shalt not say thy Emperor is a false God in front of an Inquisitor
609. Thou shalt not try to get they Battle Sister drunk for a little fun
610. Thou shalt not become drunk before a battle so thy accidentally shoots thy Brothers
611. Thou shalt not call Interrogator-Chaplains "Cross dressers"
612. Thou shalt not attempt to trip up a Titan.
613. Thou shalt not refer to the Deceiver as "Just a big gold court jester".
614. Thou shalt not ask Tzeentch how to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
615. Thou shalt not tell a Brother Space Marines that they can only move six inches at a time.
616. Thou shalt not ask why Eldar Wave Serpents are just Falcons with an extra gun.
617. Thou shalt not confuse the Black Legion with the Black Templars.
618. Thou shalt not refer to Slannesh as "That freaky nymphomaniac guy"
619. Thou shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.
620. Thou shalt not underestimate the power of a Vibro Cannon, even if it is shoved up a Slannesh Daemon Prince where the sun don't shine.
621. Thou shalt not refer to the Ravenwing as "Speed Freeks in Power Armour."
622. Thou shalt not point and laugh at Dark Angels.
623. Thou shalt not cry "Toro!" while within earshot of a Blood Angel.
634. Thou shalt not throw sticks while in the company of Space Wolves.
625. Thou shalt not refer to the Ultramarines as "Ultrasmurfs."
626. Thou shalt not keep pet Rippers.
627. Thou shalt not ever, ever repeat the "Black and white Space Marine on the black and white bike" joke, ever.
Found this some where else:
This is what 40K would be like in grade school.
No, Ahriman, you can't go to the Library for extra credit. Mr. Vect, stop messing about with that gas tap before you blow us all sky-high, and Thraka, please put Mr. Yarrick down. That's the third time I've had to ask you to stop that. See me after the class."
? Now does anyone know the answer to the question? Anyone else apart from Ulthuan? Mr. Guilliman, perhaps you can stop scribbling in your notebook and tell us the answer..."
Mr. Russ Mr. Johnson stop bickering right now or you'll both get detention.
MR. INQUISITOR!!! YOU JUST PURGED THE TRASHCAN!!!
It was dirty miss cwaboppoweasker
I am just disappointed in you, the custodian was going to come in a minute.
I couldn't hewp it, miss cwaboppowe...
Typhus, for the last time, there are showers in the locker room for a reason. If you never wash up you're going to get a fungus or something.
Fuegan, turn that Bunsen burner down. Everybody else has there's at a reasonable length, why do you always have to have the bigger flame?
Miss Zar, please stop that awful screeching! This is choir class, not the zoo!
Now that you have made the first incision... Good heavens Kharn, what are you doing to that frog?!
Leman, you need to get your hair cut, it's longer than the school dress code allows. Don't you bare your fangs at me, son!
I don't care what you say, Aun'shi, but cheating on the test is not "for the Greater Good?.
No, Emperor, you may not go to the bathroom. I swear child, you already practically live in there!
No, Ghazkull, you may not "squash da 'umies.? And for the record, it's "squash the humans?.
Farsight! Look what you've done now, you've killed the Ethereal? That's time out for you, mister! And no starting splinter colonies while in the corner!
Lucius, What are you doing behind that book? Please put the book on your desk like everyone else!
Angron! Do you want that knife confiscated?!
Mr. Abbadon, Please stop saying that your father could have beat Mr. Calgar's father.
Mephiston, please stop writing your name in blood on your worksheets!
Mr. Coteaz, I told you, no more pets at school!
? Cypher, how many times have I told you, no speeches of redemption during Silent Reading time!"
? Ahriman, stop pestering Russ for answers."
? Kharn put down that-- Good God, Fabius, is that your brother?!?!?!"
? Now Farseer, I'm sure Abandon was only joking about the claw..."
Sanguinus you come down here off that ceiling right this instant!
Looks like we're going to have to find a separate room for you, Mr. Ulthran, if you can't stop reading people's minds for the answers.
Mr. Fulgrim! Mr. Lucius!!!! In all my years I have never seen anything.......
EUGH! Mr. Thraka, did you just eat your own fecal matter.....? "
"You are late again Mr. Vulkan."
? Mr. Cruze, please sign your name as such, and the Gym teacher will not accept you being away from his class again, you need to get out in the sun like everyone else."
? Mr. Luther, you answers aren?t that good, why can't you be like El'Jhonson".
? You! stop looking over his shoulder! Oh, sorry Magnus..."
"Mr. Russ, I shall not tell you again, do not howl when you know the answer."
? Will all students please note the following rules for exams:
1: all farseers, librarians,Tzeench followers, or psychics of any kind, are not allowed to use said powers.
2: All eldar, the use of wraithbone armor to ask the spirits of its prior users for answers is forbidden.
3: Bolters are not allowed.
4: Silence is a must, emperors children I am looking at you."
Slaanish what are you doing in that corner!?!?!?!
Mr. Nurgle if you cant stop burping and farting we'll have to put you outside.
Don?t listen to Tzeentch children he wont give you his pocket money if you kill each other!!!!
There there Emperor, I'm sure you'll get a girlfriend one day, if not we still have those cloning tanks.
(why the Emperor really made the Primarchs)
Mr. Machrimus you always go first let some one else have a go
Mr. Straken burning the tyranids does not smell better than breakfast
"Mr. Creed, if you and Mr. Kell do not stop talking in class I will separate you both."
? Mr. Redmaw, how many times have I told you to shave? No I will not accept that wolfen excuse any more."
? Mr. Azrael, I saw you and Mr. Ezekiel passing notes, is there anything you want to share?"
? No, snow storms created by Rune Priests are not used when considering snow days... especially in July!"
? Will the Tech Marines and Iron Warriors please stop giving wedgies on fellow class mates, and blaming it on the machine God."
? Mr. Ahriman, this is the last time I will tell you to stop bothering Mr. Cevak for Help..."
"Mr. Pertaubo, please do not get angry at Mr. Dorn because he has the correct answers."
? Will the Harlequin shadowseers please stop casting veil of tears during roll call."
? Will all Death Guard please note that I will no longer accept any tardy slips, or sick notes from "Big Papa Nurgle"."
? Mr. Stern, stop purging your book, its not possessed by Daemons, now sit down or I'll send you to the principle's office."
Would the Word Bearers and Blood Angel Chaplains please stop bickering, everyone has their own opinion on the imperial creed.
*executed by Yarrick*
Morning announcements:
Band practice has been canceled due to an amplifier blowout, thanks to the concert put on by the Slaanesh Metal band.
Congratulations to the Debate team for another victory; Word Bearers keep that undefeated streak going.
Also the Dodge ball game between the Death Company and the Necrons has been canceled, you both just keep getting back up.
I look forward to seeing all of you at the football game tonight, which we will win by a score of 7-3, thank you farseers for that early report.
One last thing Mr. Abbadon, I want to see you in my office immediately, you will not ruin my Pep Rally with your little 13th crusade of beer drinking and ?Picking up Chicks?
Mr. Cypher please come out from underneath the table, the Dark Angels are not out to get you.
Ms. Arienal stop asking the dead for the answers to the test.
Mr. Baharroth how could you possibly be so scared, it's just a field trip to Rhana Dandra
Mr. Asurmen stop bragging that you were the first Exarch, your interrupting the test
"When we play dodge ball, I don't want the last two participants to be the Emperor and Horus."
Mr. Nightbringer, if I?ve told you once I?ve told you a million times, leave that scythe at home! You'll have someone?s eye out with it!
Well ... thank you for joining use today Mr. Abbadon! It's good of you to fit us in your busy schedule! These crusades of yours are not helping your tardiness young man.
Mr. Coteaz, Mr. Horus is not a heretic, his answer is correct.
Mr. Red Terror what are you doing with Billy and the hot sauce bottle?
Abbadon stop making fun of Horus if I remember correctly you and your crusades have not made it to Terra now have they
Can some on please tell me if you have seen Mr. Russ he have been absent from calls for the last 10 thousand years or so and if you see him he still owes the school for his school pictures
Ouch Mr. Bile that hurt, what did you hit me with!?!?!?
Horus! You put Sanguinus down right this instant!
Mr. Dorn, Emperor, return to your seats immediately!
Mr. Thrakka what did I tell you about eating grots. Don?t do it in class unless you brought enough for everyone!
Mr. Ulthran, if you refuse to stop using your powers to cheat on tests, I'm going to have to seat you next to Mr. Pariah...
|
Veritas Crusade 2000pts
95th Krieg 'Blackguard' 3000pts
Cadian 489th 2000pts
(Behemoth - 2,000 Points Painted)
(Alpha Legion - 2,000 Points Painted)
Favourite Opponent - Local RTT Dec. 2018 
(Vior'la Sept - 1,000 Points Painted)
(Steel Legion - 1,000 Points Painted)
