Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

The vengeance of a hero
Prologue: the awakening of a giant
The stone and rock-crete chamber 'one wall of this chamber was covered by weapons suited for a giant. Another was covered in honours, a dozen honours, several champaign service markers, an ancient suit of power armour. The third wall was a massive brass door, adorned by the mark of the mechanicum. The last wall was dominated by a huge alcove, where a giant slept. Dread-brother Caine awoke. He was awake, again, from the endless sleep that was between battle, that was his "life" now, battle, than battle, than battle. His machine spirit adjusted his senses instantly. He was in his chamber, deep with in the forsaken knight flag ship. The tech-marine vendor and an astartes he knew not, bearing the arms and armour of a captain stood before him. The astartes had short dark hair, the dark eyes of most forsaken, and a gaunt but young face, a single service stud was buried into his forehead. 
"WHERE IS BROTHER-CAPTAIN MORAN?" the techno-voice of Caine burst from the vox speaker mounted under his sarcophagus. His machine spirit adjusted the volume. 
The techmarine looked down, while the captain stood forward. The captain drew his sword and placed it on the ground between he and Caine. The captain shrank to one knee and spoke. "honoured brother, I regret to inform that brother Moran of the sixth company has died in battle against the damned chaos forces of our once-brothers. I, vedic, now lead the sixth company and ask of your fealty"
The captain had entered an ancient ritual, from before even the battle of mortalis, from times when the forsaken were brothers with the burning.
Caine continued the ritual,
 "the emperor first.
The shrouded below him.
To you I grant the next place, to you I swear to serve, for as long as you serve the emperor."
Although he could barely comprehend emotion after so long In the dread-armour, the death of Moran was a harsh blow to Caine, as he had served uncountable years beside him, and considered him a great friend. but there would be time to mourn later. The captain lifted his sword and sliced along his own palm. 
"then I declare payment of blood for your fealty" , and the new captain, Vedic, let his blood drip, to join a patch of dried blood on the ground, from a dozen other of these rituals.
"now, why do you awaken me?" caine  asked neutrally.
 Vedek smiled up at the venerable brother. " we seek vengeance for my predecessor" he said, sheathing his sword and putting his gauntlet back on. 
" and we SHALL have it" Caine declared loudly.


As you may know I have another wip fix thread going on on dakka dakka, I plan on writing the twenty greatest stories of the forsaken knights, tell me what you think. Any and all criticism welcome.
Edit: spelling and slight plot.

Yeah it seems good thus far. Could do with a read through though to correct some words.

Some basic feedback for you.

As Theman said, run a spellcheck and do some basic editing. If this is as big a project as you say it is, then take the time to polish it and make it as clean as you can. Leaving rather blatant errors of editing just sends the message of 'I don't care about this', and if that is the case, why should a reader care then?

Second, get some more of everything. Your prologue is less than half a page. And everything just feels completely without any kind of weight or sway. Why should I care about these characters? Why should I care about this story? The trick to a story is to make me interested and want to learn more, right now, this just feels like you are going for the absolute shortest path, and it shows. Describe the room, describe the sensations more, give this scene some weight.

If this is your prologue, this is your chance to grab interest and get me invested in the story. As of now, it just is 'blah' and not much grabs me.

Well as the other said you need to work on spellcheck/ proof reading, lord knows I myself struggel with this at times, so no shame having som eone proof read it for you. I would also STRONGLY recomend working on both lengt and substance, if you want someone to care about your work of fiction it needs to grip them by the throath and dont let go until the last word.

When you talk about the Dred waking you could perhaps expand on his dream, or past glories, or maybe his death. This would be a good thing to use to then decribe the chamber he is in as he becomes fully awake as he scans his surroundings for threats.

Deveil secondus had been under siege by the burning knights chaos space marines for several weeks now. The northern continent of the heavily volcanic planet fell with in a single day, the small amount of PDF on the planet unprepared for the attack. The forsaken knights had retaliated immediately, Reinforcing all three of the major hive-cities. But they were fighting a losing battle, as the burning had control of the capital.  
A thunder hawk transport shot through the air, locked onto the distant spire of Alious hive. Inside the transport, Vedic, his command squad, and several units of forsaken awaited the assault on the hive. Vedic was standing, gripping an over head rail while looking down and out at the volcanic landscape. The thunderhawk was shaking violently. The pilot spoke to Vedic over the local VOX "sire, thunderhawks 1, 3 and 5 are in position, number 4 in approach. Awaiting our arrival." 
"excellent" he replied.
Vedic connected directly to brother Caine, whom currently waited in thunderhawk 3. 
"brother, I wish for you to lead the spear tip of our siege." the husky multi-voice of Caine replied "so be it". 
" sire! We are in position." the pilot announced over the vox.
 Vikas switched hois vox to broadcast "sixth company, today we will reclaim this city, for the emperor, for the people, for the shrouded!"
The thunderhawks dropped their cargo.
Caine couldn't feel the air as it rushed Past his falling form. Perhaps the only thing he didn't miss from his Old-body was the feeling of nausea that overcame him whenever he was in the air. He smashed into the ground. There were several ruined buildings in his close vicinity. 
Only a very short update, eventually, when I finish this entire story, I'l put it all into one post.

 

“brother, the heretics will have heard your fall, expect trouble” vedic’s voice said through caine’s vox.

“as always” caine replied shortly. Caine lowered his body several inches, so as to present a smaller target. His machine spirit ran a weapons check:

+++ lascannon… energy coil… active…full condition… ready to fire…+++

Suddenly, a building to his left exploded. He was hailed by shrapnel. His smoke filter activated almost instantly, and revealed the cause. A five man patrol of power-armour wearing heretics stood in the ruins, one holding a warped Astartes  krakk launcher. Caine marked all four targets, and quickly let loose with his las-cannon. One heretic simply dissolved when hit. Another was blown backwards by the force of the impact, and went flying backwards before hitting a wall and , dead, sliding down. Caine fired on the launcher-equipped heretic, obliterating his right arm and the weapon. A fourth heretic fired his bolt-gun at caine, the explosive ammo pinging off his armour. Caine ended him quickly with his under-mounted flamer. The final heretic wore more ornate armour than the othes, caine was familiar with these “aspiring champions” and knew he was the squad leader. caine smashed him sideways with his oversized power-fist. The heretic ploughed through several marble columns before landing, barely alive, in a pile of rubble. Caine rotated his body to face the champion, and fired his las-cannon.

“Brother, the landing zone for strike force beta is secure” Caine vox’ed directly to Vedic.

“Excellent brother, await our landing.” Vedic ordered his pilot to land the thunder hawk in the area where caine had dropped. Caine looked up through the night sky, to his augmeticaly enhanced sences it was as bright as day, and he could easily see the thunder hawk drop ship on approach.  The dropship landed, and the assault ramp dropped. Vedic, his command squad, and he rest of the strike force exited the transport, and began fanning out, securing a perimeter of three blocks.

 

Vedic stood at the head of a table inside his own thunder hawk. A holographic generator to his right showed a human-sized image of caine’s dreadnought form. To his left and further along the table stood his command squad and sergeants. Nemthis, a younger sergeant with a scar running from his hair line to his jaw was shuffling his feet, eager to battle. The scar had been acquired in battle with a hive-tyrant, one of the imperium’s most deadly enemies, and an organism of the tyranid swarm. Vedic looked over his assembled sergeants. “We and our brothers have secured the outer tier of the city, and we now face the challenge of capturing the capital building. Our lord is already preparing to take the first company to hive-city  alerous, while the seventh is taking their bikes and assaulting the ground forces down on the plains. This leaves us and the second to secure the city. I’ve talked with … and we’ve decide that while he clears this area.” He pointed to the middle teir of the city on the 3D picto-render of the city, embeeded in the table. “ we will assault the capital building ourselves” he pointed to the centre of the pict-, at a building surrounded by a drop to the serface. “we will assault via the bridges here, and here” vedic said, pointing to two tiny lines on the pict-.  Nemthis grinned broadly, “direct combat, unlike you to simply rush the enemy”.

“And very like you” varkus, one of Vedic’s veterans, said mockingly to nemthis.

Nemthis shrugged. “I can’t deny it.” Many of the sergeants laughed quietly at this.

“True, but we are not staying on topic; we are here to discuss how we will split the strike force, who will be in charge of attacking from the south bridge, while I lead from the north bridge.”

The picto-render turned to static, before slowly reforming, as it updated. When the pict- was fully formed it was quite clear that the south bridge had been destroyed. “Well, that settles that” nemthis said calmly. Vedic wondered what had caused the explosion, but decided the heretics had done it to limit the routes of assault.

It was what he would have done.

“Well then, prepare your men, wargear checks, physical tests, I want them all relayed through my helm-vox”.  Before Vedic could dismiss the meeting, caine spoke: “sire, do we know who leads the heretics here?” his voice thundered. 

“a high ranking ‘chosen’, veloce Voss” Vedic replied with a curious tone.

“good, good” Caine let his voice trail off.

 

 

Vedic and his company ran forward, clashing with the burning knights on the bridge.

 

Vedic thrust his spear forward, into the chest of a heretic. The daemon-kin shouted in pain and slid back off the spear's blade. Vedic parried a Possessed's claw-blow, and smashed the thing in the face with his shield, causing it to fall backwards into the ranks of it's comrades. An aspiring champion charged forward and with the help of a third possessed, knocked Vedic over. Just before the aspiring champion could finish Vedic with his knife, the heretic turned to dust. Caine next aimed his lascannon at the possessed, and again killed. Vedic jumped to his feet, and threw a solute in the direction of Caine. He swept his spear in a wide arch in front of him, and its energised blade cut a half-dozen heretics in half. Balls of plasma thundered overhead, as Caine battered the enemy with miniaturized stars. Vedic and his front rank of his warriors were only seven metres from the end of the bridge. Vedic cut down the enemy in front of him. His men were slowly progressing, when he noticed a peculiar figure standing at the back of the chaos space marines. A sorcerer. The sorcerer noticed his gaze and chuckled through it's helmet. The thing raised a stone. A glowing, red gem. The sorcerer pointed the rock at one of it's own men, and the man fell dead. With the death of the heretic the stone began to pulse a deep red. The sorcerer threw the stone into the air. Vedic cut down another heretic, moving as fast as he could toward the sorcerer. He charged the thing, his momentum and lance taking him through several heretics that tried to bar his way. He plunged his blade through the heretical bastard, and the thing fell as he withdrew it. The heretics around him began to run back to the capital building. But they were pulled by some unseen force, and the dozen heretics were sucked into the stone, which was now the size of Caine, if not larger. Caine, and a dozen others, began pelting the thing with bolts and plasma. The thing exploded, and where the sorcerer’s body had rested, stood things that looked like the devil of ancient terran religion. Fourteen daemons stood. Blood letters,  red skinned daemons with an extended crest on their heads and wicked, blazing blades In their hands. One of the daemons had a larger head crest then the others, and it’s eyes glowed green, not red. Nemthis was at vedic’s side, having moved up as the others shot the thing in the sky. He shot the daemon with the larger crest between the eyes with his bolt pistol. Causing it’s head to explode in a shower of gore. The daemons roared blood lust. They charged vedic, his command squad, and nemthis. Nemthis merely punched the closest one, his inhuman strength breaking it’s neck. vedic’s command squad stood firm, blocking the 6th company from the daemons. If they were to get into the battle brother’s ranks, all hell would break loose. In truth, it was nemthis who turned the odds, easily being responsible for half the daemons’ deaths. Vedic covered his back, the captain killed four of the daemons, as they tried to out flank nemthis. After the battle only vedic, nemthis, and one veteran remained standing. Nemthis kneeled next to varkas’ body. He took the veteran helmet and crux terminates off. “just like him to die before I got the chance to brag about my win”. Vedic placed his hand on the young sergeant’s shoulder. “Many more brothers will die before we eradicate this scum.”

Nemthis magnetized the crux to his back and carved the name varkus onto the helmet, before placing it back on it’s wearer. Vedic walked back to the 6nd company. He pointed at the building. “the heretics hide behind walls, they hide from us, quivering with fear. Why  my brothers,  would they hide from us? The answer is simple: the scum hides Because we are THE EMPEROR’S CHOSEN! BECAUSE WE ARE THE FORSAKEN WARRIORS OF THE SHROUDED ONE, BECAUSE WE, WE ARE FEAR INCARNATE!” he turned around, his brothers behind him, and ran at the plas-steel door blocking entrance to the building. His lance sank into the door to it’s cross-guard. And vedic heard shouts of pain on the other side. He twisted his blade, creating a helmet sized hole In the door. Immediately a grotesque, fat, blobish creature ran through. It took a half step before Vedic crushed the disgusting thing under his boot. 

Usually I lose interest in these stories by 800 words, so 2200 is a mile stone for me
Whataya think? Will Cain get revenge on veloce voss for the murder of moran? Will this story even be about Cain? Not if you read the last thousand words. Lol. I'm sorry, I just can't think of any character development for a dreadnought. Find out next time
Note: plasmacannon= las cannon, why? Cause I am derp.

The vengeance of a hero
Prologue: the awakening of a giant
The stone and rock-Crete chamber 'one wall of this chamber was covered by weapons suited for a giant. Another was covered in honours, a dozen honours, several campaign service markers, an ancient suit of power armour. The third wall was a massive brass door, adorned by the mark of the mechanicum. The last wall was dominated by a huge alcove, where a giant slept. Dread-brother Caine awoke. He was awake, again, from the endless sleep that was between battle, that was his "life" now, battle, than battle, than battle. His machine spirit adjusted his senses instantly. He was in his chamber, deep within the forsaken knight flag ship. The tech-marine vendor and an astartes he knew not, bearing the arms and armour of a captain stood before him. The astartes had short dark hair, the dark eyes of most forsaken, and a gaunt but young face, a single service stud was buried into his forehead.
"WHERE IS BROTHER-CAPTAIN MORAN?" the techno-voice of Caine burst from the vox speaker mounted under his sarcophagus. His machine spirit adjusted the volume.
The techmarine looked down, while the captain stood forward. The captain drew his sword and placed it on the ground between he and Caine. The captain shrank to one knee and spoke. "Honoured brother, I regret to inform that brother Moran of the sixth company has died in battle against the damned chaos forces of our once-brothers. I, Vedic, now lead the sixth company and ask of your fealty"
The captain had entered an ancient ritual, from before even the battle of mortalis, from times when the forsaken were brothers with the burning.
Caine continued the ritual,
"The emperor first.
The shrouded below him.
To you I grant the next place, to you I swear to serve, for as long as you serve the emperor."
Although he could barely comprehend emotion after so long In the dread-armour, the death of Moran was a harsh blow to Caine, as he had served uncountable years beside him, and considered him a great friend. but there would be time to mourn later. The captain lifted his sword and sliced along his own palm.
"Then I declare payment of blood for your fealty”, and the new captain, Vedic, let his blood drip, to join a patch of dried blood on the ground, from a dozen other of these rituals.
"Now, why do you awaken me?" Caine asked neutrally.
Vedic smiled up at the venerable brother. “We seek vengeance for my predecessor" he said, sheathing his sword and putting his gauntlet back on.
“and we SHALL have it" Caine declared loudly.

Deveil secondus had been under siege by the burning knights chaos space marines for several weeks now. The northern continent of the heavily volcanic planet fell within a single day, the small amount of PDF on the planet unprepared for the attack, were overrun. The forsaken knights had retaliated immediately, Reinforcing all three of the major hive-cities. But they were fighting a losing battle, as the burning had control of the capital.
A thunder hawk transport shot through the air, locked onto the distant spire of Alious hive. Inside the transport, Vedic, his command squad, and several units of forsaken awaited the assault on the hive. Vedic was standing, gripping an overhead rail while looking down and out at the volcanic landscape. The thunder hawk was shaking violently. The pilot spoke to Vedic over the local VOX "sire, thunder hawks 1, 3 and 5 are in position, number 4 in approach. Awaiting our arrival."
"Excellent" he replied.
Vedic connected directly to brother Caine, whom currently waited in thunder hawk 3.
"Brother, I wish for you to lead the spear tip of our siege."
The husky multi-voice of Caine replied "so be it".
“Sire! We are in position." the pilot announced over the vox.
Vedic switched his vox to broadcast "sixth company, today we will reclaim this city, for the emperor, for the people, for the shrouded!"
The thunder hawks dropped their cargo.
Caine couldn't feel the air as it rushed Past his falling form. Perhaps the only thing he didn't miss from his Old-body was the feeling of nausea that overcame him whenever he was in the air. He smashed into the ground. There were several ruined buildings in his close vicinity.

“Brother, the heretics will have heard your fall, expect trouble” Vedic’s voice said through Caine’s vox.
“as always” caine replied shortly. Caine lowered his body several inches, so as to present a smaller target. His machine spirit ran a weapon check:
+++ lascannon… energy coil… active…full condition… ready to fire…+++
Suddenly, a building to his left exploded. He was hailed by shrapnel. His smoke filter activated almost instantly, and revealed the cause. A five man patrol of power-armour wearing heretics stood in the ruins, one holding a warped Astartes krakk launcher. Caine marked all four targets, and quickly let loose with his las-cannon. One heretic simply dissolved when hit. Another was blown backwards by the force of the impact, and went flying backwards before hitting a wall and, dead, sliding down. Caine fired on the launcher-equipped heretic, obliterating his right arm and the weapon. A fourth heretic fired his bolt-gun at Caine, the explosive ammo pinging off his armour. Caine ended him quickly with his under-mounted flamer. The final heretic wore more ornate armour than the others; Caine was familiar with these “aspiring champions” and knew he was the squad leader. Caine smashed him sideways with his oversized power-fist. The heretic ploughed through several marble columns before landing, barely alive, in a pile of rubble. Caine rotated his body to face the champion, and fired his las-cannon.
“Brother, the landing zone for strike force beta is secure” Caine vox’ed directly to Vedic.
“Excellent brother, await our landing.” Vedic ordered his pilot to land the thunder hawk in the area where Caine had dropped. Caine looked up through the night sky, to his augmeticaly enhanced senses it was as bright as day, and he could easily see the thunder hawk drop ship on approach. The drop ship landed, and the assault ramp dropped. Vedic, his command squad, and he rest of the strike force exited the transport, and began fanning out, securing a perimeter of three blocks.

Vedic stood at the head of a table inside his own thunder hawk. A holographic generator to his right showed a human-sized image of Caine’s dreadnought form. To his left and further along the table stood his command squad and sergeants. Nemthis, a younger sergeant with a scar running from his hair line to his jaw was shuffling his feet, eager to battle. The scar had been acquired in battle with a hive-tyrant, one of the imperium’s most deadly enemies, and an organism of the tyranid swarm. Vedic looked over his assembled sergeants. “We and our brothers have secured the outer tier of the city, and we now face the challenge of capturing the capital building. Our lord is already preparing to take the first company to hive-city alerous, while the seventh is taking their bikes and assaulting the ground forces down on the plains. This leaves us and the second to secure the city. I’ve talked with … and we’ve decide that while he clears this area.” He pointed to the middle tier of the city on the 3D picto-render of the city, embedded in the table. “ we will assault the capital building ourselves” he pointed to the centre of the pict-, at a building surrounded by a drop to the surface. “We will assault via the bridges here and here” Vedic said, pointing to two tiny lines on the pict-. Nemthis grinned broadly, “Direct combat, unlike you to simply rush the enemy”.
“And very like you” varkus, one of Vedic’s veterans, said mockingly to nemthis.
Nemthis shrugged. “I can’t deny it.” Many of the sergeants laughed quietly at this.
“True, but we are not staying on topic; we are here to discuss how we will split the strike force, who will be in charge of attacking from the south bridge, while I lead from the north bridge.”
The picto-render turned to static, before slowly reforming, as it updated. When the pict- was fully formed it was quite clear that the south bridge had been destroyed. “Well, that settles that” nemthis said calmly. Vedic wondered what had caused the explosion, but decided the heretics had done it to limit the routes of assault.
It was what he would have done.
“Well then, prepare your men, wargear checks, physical tests, I want them all relayed through my helm-vox”. Before Vedic could dismiss the meeting, Caine spoke: “sire, do we know who leads the heretics here?” his voice thundered.
“a high ranking ‘chosen’, veloce Voss” Vedic replied with a curious tone.
“good, good” Caine let his voice trail off.


Vedic and his company ran forward, clashing with the burning knights on the bridge.

Vedic thrust his spear forward, into the chest of a heretic. The daemon-kin shouted in pain and slid back off the spear's blade. Vedic parried a Possessed's claw-blow, and smashed the thing in the face with his shield, causing it to fall backwards into the ranks of it's comrades. An aspiring champion charged forward and with the help of a third possessed, knocked Vedic over. Just before the aspiring champion could finish Vedic with his knife, the heretic turned to dust. Caine next aimed his plasma cannon at the possessed, and again killed. Vedic jumped to his feet, and threw a solute in the direction of Caine. He swept his spear in a wide arch in front of him, and its energised blade cut a half-dozen heretics in half. Balls of plasma thundered overhead, as Caine battered the enemy with miniaturized stars. Vedic and his front rank of his warriors were only seven metres from the end of the bridge. Vedic cut down the enemy in front of him. His men were slowly progressing, when he noticed a peculiar figure standing at the back of the chaos space marines. A sorcerer. The sorcerer noticed his gaze and chuckled through it's helmet. The thing raised a stone. A glowing, red gem. The sorcerer pointed the rock at one of it's own men, and the man fell dead. With the death of the heretic the stone began to pulse a deep red. The sorcerer threw the stone into the air. Vedic cut down another heretic, moving as fast as he could toward the sorcerer. He charged the thing, his momentum and lance taking him through several heretics that tried to bar his way. He plunged his blade through the heretical bastard, and the thing fell as he withdrew it. The heretics around him began to run back to the capital building. But they were pulled by some unseen force, and the dozen heretics were sucked into the stone, which was now the size of Caine, if not larger. Caine, and a dozen others, began pelting the thing with bolts and plasma. The thing exploded, and where the sorcerer’s body had rested, stood things that looked like the devil of ancient terran religion. Fourteen daemons stood. Blood letters, red skinned daemons with an extended crest on their heads and wicked, blazing blades In their hands. One of the daemons had a larger head crest then the others, and it’s eyes glowed green, not red. Nemthis was at vedic’s side, having moved up as the others shot the thing in the sky. He shot the daemon with the larger crest between the eyes with his bolt pistol. Causing it’s head to explode in a shower of gore. The daemons roared blood lust. They charged vedic, his command squad, and nemthis. Nemthis merely punched the closest one, his inhuman strength breaking it’s neck. vedic’s command squad stood firm, blocking the 6th company from the daemons. If they were to get into the battle brother’s ranks, all hell would break loose. In truth, it was nemthis who turned the odds, easily being responsible for half the daemons’ deaths. Vedic covered his back, the captain killed four of the daemons, as they tried to out flank nemthis. After the battle only vedic, nemthis, and one veteran remained standing. Nemthis kneeled next to varkas’ body. He took the veteran helmet and crux terminates off. “just like him to die before I got the chance to brag about my win”. Vedic placed his hand on the young sergeant’s shoulder. “Many more brothers will die before we eradicate this scum.”
Nemthis magnetized the crux to his back and carved the name varkus onto the helmet, before placing it back on it’s wearer. Vedic walked back to the 2nd company. He pointed at the building. “the heretics hide behind walls, they hede from us, quivering with fear. Why? Why, my brothers, would they do this?, why would they hide from us? Because we are THE EMPEROR’S CHOSEN! BECAUSE WE ARE THE FORSAKEN WARRIORS OF THE SHROUD, BECAUSE WE, WE ARE FEAR INCARNATE!” he turned asround, his brothers behind him, and ran at the plas-steel door blocking entrance to the building. His lance sank into the door to it’s cross-guard. And vedic heard shouts of pain on the other side. He twisted his blade, creating a helmet sized hole in the door. Immediately a grotesque, fat, blobish creature ran through. It took a half step before Vedic crushed the disgusting thing under his boot.


edited, no additions.

Okay, after a quick skim trough of your last two updates I have noticed a rather less then good trend. I strongly suggest you invest a lot of time in reading the things you type out loud before posting. This has the advangate that you can potentialy catch things that would come across as plain wrong.

Like for an instance, you mentioned one Marine being hailed by a shower of debries? Why was he hailed? had he done some great deed the readers missed out on! Now the the more fitting and correct word to use would have been something along the lines of pelted with rubble, or perhaps that he where struck by a hail of debries comming from the ruined building.
Also for heavnes sake! Read A LOT of background material, a Las cannon is not a weapon you haul around for use in combination with a assult from Thunderhawk, the weapon is simply too big and cumbersome for anyone beside a Devestator, or a Centurion. Also do not make the figth one sided. EVen a Marine captain will find disposing of several battle harden traitor Astartes quite the challenge. Particualry in mele combat.