Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

(A basement like an other, the Mountain Dew is out, the half-painted minis are on the hand-drawn map, the GM screen is set up, the piles of books are everywhere and the pizza has been ordered. Everything is ready...)

It was a dark and stormy night at the Space Inn.

The Space Inn is crowded with all sorts of unsavory types, you grab the last table in the back and introduce yourselves.

"I'm Maximus the Ultramarine. I have a bolter, a chainsword and blue power armor. I'm like a space paladin."
"I'm Killerina, the Assassin. I have a power sword, a needle pistol and drugs that let me change shape. I'm like a space assassin."
"I'm Sgt Dutch Arnoldson. I have a heavy bolter, a big knife and I ripped the sleeves off my flak vest. I'm like a space fighter."
"I'm Llah'ri the eldar Ranger. I have a cloak of invisibility, a sniper rifle and minor psy powers. I'm like the space fighter/magic user."
"I'm Sigma X-32 the tech priest. I have a power axe, a servo skull and mecha-dendrites. I'm like the space cleric."
"And I'm Gazzo, the primus psyker. I have a force staff, a flying baby familar and psychic powers. I'm like the space magic user."

SUDDENLY a mysterious man in a dark cloak walks up to your table!

(feel free to continue)

(meh I can keep amusing myself)

K - I try to pick his pocket!
M - I don't look!
G - I read his mind!
D - I drink my ale!
L - I turn invisible!
S - Sorry guys I was paying for the pizza, what's going on?

Killerina you can't get out to pick his pocket because Maximus is between you and the stranger (points at map on the table)

K - I attack Maximus! Roll for initiative!
M - WHAT?
K - I'm chaotic neutral, it's cool.

Um, before that let's finish the rest of the actions. Gazzo, you can't read his mind, he's wearing a psychic hood.

He dramatically throws back his robes and reveals his Inquisition seal.

"I am Inquisitor Thomus Pilgram, and I have a mission for you!" He announces.

Hello I'm the Terminator I will be your tank.

Or nono why not.

*A figure in red power armor with giant horns sits onto the table*

Hi, I'm a Khorne Beszerker I have heroic charge, I'm a Fighter-hybrid?

M - I cast Detect Chaos.

Um, you really don't have that power.

M - But I'm a space Paladin!

Well you can see his armor has spikes, and skulls, and chaos stars, and a khorne symbol, and a dead baby handing from his belt.

KB - I'm bad-ass.

M - I attack! Roll for initiative.
KB - Huh?

No initiative you obviously have surprise.

Maximus swings his chain sword, Killerina shoots a poison dart, Dutch fires a burst from his heavy bolter, Llah'ri turns invisible, Sigma fires a laser, Gazzo casts fireball.

Sorry Bezerker, you're dead. You have to roll up a new character, and no EVIL this time!

KB - MOM! They killed my character!
Mom - Play nice down there! You promised your little brother could play!

FB(Free booter aka space pirate / rogue)- "Har har me join for da booty...I be Montgomery da Freebooter... You probably never eard of me till now yarr."

A half drunken human with a crazed look and pirate garb hobbles next to da table. Oddly enough though he has a jump jet back pack.

FB- I saw what you did to ya lil brother. You do that to me and I am gonna put all your profiles on craigs list seeking out what I think you desire. By the way how long on the pizza's?

FB- I roll for mysterious stench that increases my persona's mystery factor and also his B.O. accordingly.

Random d20 : 1 .....so that means I'm not mysterious and I smell good?

GM - OK fine you can use the freebooter. What's your name?
Pete - Pete!
GM - I know you're Pete, what's the character's name?
Pete - Um, Jack Sparrow?
GM - No.
Pete - Can't I just call him Pete?
GM - No!
Pete - Oh come on, you let Larry name his character Larry!
Larry - That's LLah'ri! It's Elvish! If you'd read my BLOG (waves several pages of print outs) you'd know it's from Tolkein and means the Shadow who Slays!
Pete - How about Plunderin' Pete the Pirate!
GM - Fine, fine can we get back to the game.
P - OK I have a jetpack and a laser gun and a laser cutlass and an eye patch and a cyber pegleg and a bionic hook and a robot parrot named Polly-26 and big coat and a beard like Jack Sparrow and a hat like Jack Sparrow and...
GM - So anyway the Inquisitor says...

The Inquisitor says

GM - The lost Space Hulk Lament of Luna has been sighted-
Maximus - Space Hulk?
Sigma - Space Hulk smash puny space marine!
Gazzo - Space Hulk strongest one there is!
Sigma - Space Hulk just wanna be left alone!
(Laughter)

GM - No, no, no it's an abandoned space ship, like a space dungeon. The Inquisitor continues-
Killerina - I try to pick his pocket again.
Gazzo - I'm gonna try and mind control him!
Maximus - Hey that chaos dude we killed, will his armor fit me?
Pete - Oh I steal all the money from my old character, and his magic items.
Dutch - Oh yeah, how many xps was he worth?

GM - (ignoring them) Ages ago Inquisitor Mortanus and 100 Ultramarines were lost trying to expore its depths, now it has reappeared and you must enter it to recover the lost artifact 'The Eye of the Emperor'.
Dutch - How much are we getting paid?

How did I not see this awesome thread before now?

Can I be Drazhar Do'Urden, the one good Dark Eldar?

I wana rez. D:

As the GM realizes that a good story isn't the hook his players are looking for, he changes his strategy a little.

GM: This spaceship was the flagship of a large fleet, before it vanished in the warp and reappeared as a hulk. Though it's probably full of strange and deadly creatures, it is sure to contain other artifacts and items of power.
there, that'll catch their attention. the GM thinks.
The players huddle and start talking too quietly for the GM to hear, discussing what to do.
M: I get up and pin his arms rolls a die 16!
K: I steal his psychic hood so Gazzo can read his mind. What's the DC on that?
G: Then I read his mind to find out where this ship is.
P: I rifle through his pockets and take his stuff. Hey, speaking of which, can I use my old character's Chainaxe?
D: I keep an eye out for his cronies, if they show up I'll make an Intimidation Check.
S: I go to the bathroom since I'm lawful good.
L: I'm still invisible.

GM - Um OK, you pull off his psychic hood...
Gazzo - I cast read mind!
GM - Um, OK he's thinking about all the vast treasures aboard the space hulk. The um, mountains of gold credits and platinum credits, the mysterious powerful artifacts etc.
Gazzo - Ah ha! I knew he was hiding soemthing from us!
Llah'Ri - The GM's always trying to #$%^ us over, if you hadn't read this guy's mind we'd have never known this!
Pete - Hey! We should go to that Space Dungeon thing right now!
Maximus - I come back from the bathroom.
Dutch - Of course now we have to kill the Inquisitor guy so he can't talk.
Max - I go back to the bathroom.
Pete - If I use the chain axe it will look like Chaos killed him!
Everyone - yeah! good thinking!
Pete - I kill him with the chain axe!

GM - OK, um, the Inquisitor's blood splatters all over your face. The rest of the bar looks at you in shock. The bar tender reaches for the vox-link to call the arbites.

Pete - Huh?
Killerina - He's calling the cops! I fire a poison dart at the bartender!
Sigma - I cast 'jam communications'!
Dutch - I grab the Chaos dude's bolter and fire into the crowd!
Gazzo - I cast fireball!
Llah'ri - I turn invisible!
Max - Still in the bathroom, singing battle hymns to myself. Loudly.

Dice roll... people die...

GM - Ok you just killed your Inquisition contact and 23 innocent civilians-
Gazzo - It says here that innocence proves nothing!
Llah'ri - Yeah, don't you read the fluff! You should read my blog more!
Pete - I check the bodies, how much money do they have?
Max - I come out of the bathroom.

GM: Well then. the GM pauses for a moment, sighs, and throws out several pieces of paper. You... You find the keys to his personal spaceship, and his inquisition badge - everything you need to get to the Space Hulk full of treasure.

Maximus: I ask the bartender for directions.
Killerina: I killed him with a poisoned dart.
Pete: No, I killed him with the bolter!
Maximus: I can't hear you over how lawful good I am. Let's just go.
Pete: It's okay, I'm a pirate. I'll use my high charisma to ask someone outside.

It's decided, and the party leaves the inn, after several minutes rifling through pockets
Pete: I ask the nearest civilian for directions.
GM: The nearest civilians are watching you from behind steel-shuttered windows, looking at the blood on your clothing and wondering if they should call the authorities.
Killerina: I make an intimidation check, holding the severed head of the innkeeper. What kind of bonus does that give me?
Gazzo: I, uh, read their minds. Again.
Llah'ri: I use my Eldar tracking skills to find the way to the spaceport.
Sigma: I'm a holy techpriest. I'll go knock on their door and just ask.

GM: Fine. One of those methods works, and the civilians, still giving you stinkeye, point to the large sign saying "spaceport: that way". In the background, you start to hear the sounds of sirens.
Llah'ri: Hey guys! My tracking skills found the path!

The shuttle lifts off into the vast inky vastness of inky space!

Maximus - So does anyone know how to fly this thing?
Pete - I do! I have 8 ranks in fly priate ship! I set course for the Space Dungeon!

GM - Whatever.

Sigma - I cast 'charm machine' to improve his pilot skills.

GM - Whatever.

Killerina - Any random encounters? I want to level up before we tackle the Space Dungeon.

GM- NO!

Gazzo - that's a good idea! Didn't he say the Space Dunegon is full of alien monsters?

Dutch - Lets find some of those Space Kobolds in the book, with the big ears and the blunderbusses!

Gazzo - I cast 'locate monster' scanning for space kobolds.

GM - there are no space kobolds in range.

Killerina - Hey you're trying to cheat us out of leveling up!

Llah'ri - If you'd read the fanfic I wrote on my blog you'd know that there are like tons of grots in this region of space!

Sigma - Stuid GM doesn't even know the rules...

GM - SUDDENLY YOU PICK UP SPACE KOBOLD!

Gazzo - All right! Where?

GM - In the massive Space Hulk in front of you! It's 20 miles on it's long axis and at least 5 miles thick. Hundreds of human and alien vessels mashed together by titanic forces into a huge drifting wreck filled with ancient technology and alien dangers!

pete - I turn the ship around!

GM - What!

Pete - Guys let's go back to the planet and kill off some more bars full of people will we level up then we can take this on.

Gazzo - I like that plan.
Killerina - yeah!

GM - but... but...

Maximus - My character is in the bathroom.
LLah'ri - my character is meditiating.

GM - You try to change course but you can't-

Sigma - I cast enchant machine again.
Killerina - I put a gun to Pete's head and make an intimidation check.
Pete - What?
Killerina - It's OK, I'm Chaotic Neurtral. I made it, now he gets a +1 bonus due to terror.

GM - You're caught in a tractor beam it pulls you into a massive airlock shaped like a skull!

Llah'ri - But in the Unearth Space book it says Space Hulks don't have functioning tractor-

GM - This one is special.

Maximus - OK, we have to disable the tractor beam then we can fly home.

GM - Your shuttle is out of fuel.

All - WHAT?
Llah'ri - Hold on, let me see that... it's a standard Aquilla shuttle and how many space miles did we travel?
GM - 147,000.
Llah'ri - OK, so the payload is 777 space barrels of whale oil, we used 33.33% of our fuel to break orbit... carry the 6 and... oh crap...
GM - (holds up calculator) yup. A vid-cap starts playing.

Pete - A what?
Dutch - a video tape.
Pete - A what?
Llah'ri - a DVD
Pete - OK.

inquisitior - Welcome to the Space Hulk Lament of Luna, are you have probably noticed your shutle is now out of fuel and you are trapped.

Sigma - I knew it was a trap!

Inquisitor - I have arranged for shuttle to pick you up at airlock #666 (hands a map to players) in 24 hours. As you can see you must pass through most of the Space Hulk to get there, in the process confronting the ferocious genestealer cult that has the Eye of the Emperor. If you succeed you may leave on the shuttle, fair and you shall join the Space Hulk's cargo of the lost and the damned.

Sigma - game over man! game over!
Gazzo - Is this gonna be a stand up fight or another bug hunt?
Sigma - We're on an express elevator to hell! Going down!

Dutch - OK, OK, we've got the mission and the GM has railroaded us so let's go. Pete you take the front.
Llah'ri - But with my keen elfish senses I should take point.
Sigma - and my scanners-
Maximus - and my armor-
Dutch - Pete, you're the priate, this is a space ship, you go first.
Pete - HA! I win! (walks out airlock).

GM - suddenly a genestealer hanging from the ceiling bites Pete's head off!
Dutch - that's why he went first.

Pete - A what?
Dutch - a video tape.
Pete - A what?
Llah'ri - a DVD
Pete - OK.

Just wanted to say that that was brilliant on several levels.

IC:

Pete: Hey! That wasn't fair!

GM: Tough.

Dutch: Yep, that's about what I thought.
Pete: What are you talking about?
Dutch: Well, you haven't been around very long, but what we're looking at seems to be a Tomb of Horrors situation.
LLah'ri: Oh, the S1 Module for dungeons and dragons, known for it's fiendish difficulty!
Dutch: Not in so many words, but yeah. I take out my ten foot space-pole, just in case.

GM: Ahem.

Maximus: Oh! Right! I shoot my sacred bolter at the genestealer!
Killerina: I shoot my needle pistol at the genestealer
Gazzo: I try to mind-control the genestealer
Killerina: Ooh, good idea, we can use it as bait!
Maximus: I'm shooting it just in case it doesn't work, we don't want to lose someone important.
Pete: I'm right here! Hey wait, Sigma, you're a priest, revive me!
Llah'ri: Would, but we don't have 3,000 gp worth of diamonds! Haha! Am I right, Dutch?
Dutch: Sure, kid.
Sigma: Erm. Um. I can't. The Space Emporer frowns on the undead.
Pete: I wouldn't be undead I'd be alive!
Sigma: Nope, the only options I see in this here 'so you want to be a techpriest of the omnissiah' handbook is that if we have a week and a good lab I can turn you into a servo-skull. But you wouldn't have free will.

GM: The genestealer escapes with Pete's dead body. Your bolter shots carve big gouges into the walls, shooting sparks off of the dark and bare walls of the Hulk.

Maximus: Right then. I'll take point. My armour should help prevent stuff like that. Sigma, you take second and use those sensors of yours. Gazzo, in the middle where it's safe. Killerina, with Gazzo, you're his bodyguard. Dutch and Llah'ri, bring up the rear. Llah'ri should see things coming and Dutch can light them up with that bolter of his.
Dutch: *hands Maximus the 10-foot space pole* Use it on everything. You'll thank me later.
Maximus: Let's go. I extend the space pole out through the doorway.

GM: A genestealer jumps out of the roof and steals the pole, looking confused when it realizes it isn't edible.

Dutch: This'll be a long night.

GM - OK while Pete rolls up a new character let's keep going. You emerge from the hanger into a corridor 10' wide and 100' feet long.

Llah'ri - Oooo nice space corridors, where did you get them?
GM - Why thank you, I got them from Litko Aerosystems, fine makers of space corridors and industrial towers. Just go to www.litkoaero.com and check them out.
Llah'ri- What was that website again?
GM - www.litkoaero.com
Llah'ri - www.litkoaero.com?
GM - Yes, www.litkoaero.com!

Maximus - I cast detect evil!
Killerina - I detect traps!
Dutch - I aim my heavy bolter to cover them
Llah'ri - I use my keen eldar senses, remember I spot secret doors on a roll of 5 or 6!
Sigma - I cast detect xenos!
Gazzo - I cast detect psychers!

GM - you find nothing.

Max - I step into-
Dutch - WAIT! It's too easy... I fire a few rounds down the corridor.

GM - Nothing.

Maximus - I fire my bolter at all the vents and hatches.
Killerina - I fire needles into the ceiling
Dutch - I toss a grenades down the corridor
Llah'ri - I turn invisible!
Sigma - I fire plasma!
Gazzo - I cast fireball!

GM - Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Guys it's a corridor!

Maximus - OK, I take three steps forward, tapping every wall for false panels.
Dutch - I hang back and fire a few rounds in front of him before he steps.
Sigma - I dismantle any panels I see!
Killerina - I jab my power scimitar into any openings!

(one hour later)

GM - OK you reach the door at the end of corridor. By the way, you guys have been taking off the ammo you used right?

Everyone - um... ammo?

SUDDENLY 3 YEARS LATER!

DM - OK, so you used up half your ammo and 2 hours of game time and managed to make it 100'.

Gazzo - I go back to the ship to rest and recover my mana points.
Sigma - I go back to the ship to rest and recover my techno points.
Maximus - I go back to the ship to get more bolter rounds.
Killerina - I go back to the ship to get more poison needles.
Dutch - I go back to the ship to get more grenades.
Llah'ri - I turn invisible!

GM - You turn around, walk back down the ruined corridor into the docking bay and discover...

YOUR SHIP HAS BEEN EATEN BY RUST MONSTERS!

Pete - Can I play a rust monster?

GM- No.
Pete- Why not?
GM- Crawling from whats left of your transport you see a squat. He was a prisoner of the inquisitor....
Pete- A what?
GM- A Squat.
Pete- ?
Dutch- A space dwarf.
GM- You can use him as your character.....
Gazz- No he cant. Squats are illegal.
Pete- Does he look like Johnny Depp?
Killy- Did someone get a puppy?

Pete: What kind of name for a race is Squat? Why didn't they call them Space Dwarves? Does he have a big axe?
GM: No. He has nothing but a prisoner's jumpsuit and a pair of sunglasses.
Pete: &@?!!!* GM. (mumble)

Pete - Can he be a wereshark dwarf?
GM - A what?
Pete - A wereshark, y'know like a werewolf, but when the moon is full he turns onto a shark.
GM - What? No!
Pete - How come! Mom said you have to let me play.
GM - Oh cause uh, I don't have a miniature for a dwarf wereshark.
Llah'ri - Hey I do!
GM - (look of death, but Larry doesn't see it since he's rifling through his mini case)
Llah'ri - Here it is!

A dwarf pirate wereshark! With a hook and everything.
Pete - Yay! I'm totally playing him!\
GM - You planned this didn't you?
Llah'ri - (innocent whistle)
GM - OK, whatever, we'll write up some stats later. Now then you have a dozen enraged rust monsters to deal with.
(throws down a dozen toy dinosaurs)

Maximus - I fire my bolter!
Dutch - I fire my heavy bolter!
Killerina - I throw shuriken!
Sigma - Gak! I'm like half metal! I hide behind Gazzo.
Gazzo - I hide behind Larry!
Llah'ri - I turn invisible!

GM - OK, the bolts disolve into dust before they hit the rust monsters. So do the shuriken.

Llah'ri - Wait a minute! Bolts are mass-reactive explosives! Since when can they rust? And wasn't our shuttle made of ceramics and stuff, how could they eat it?

A one hour argument follows that brings in chemistry, physics, alchemy, the rule of cool, TVtropes.com, and a copy of Dragon Magazine from 1983. Eventually the GM wins by saying...

GM - I'm the GM, I win.