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while the topic of defending yourself from zombie/aliens/girls has come many, many times, the topic of your actual home invasion plan hasnt come up in my
three or so years of dakka i havent heard seen one.
so dakka, heres the scenario,
your in bed, its a normal night, your wife/partner/teddy is beside you in bed sound asleep, your awake.
you hear a sound from your hall, you see shadows on the wall.
what do you do?
whats your weapon of choice? do you have an accessable weapon? how do you defend your family?

It kind of depends on the room, I know you said in my bed but that's not a plan; that's part of a plan.
In bed theres a flashlight and a fullsize semi auto handgun that I can reach without looking from my side of the bed. The plan is pretty simple, I go look to see whats going on and shine the light on the intruder, one part identification, 1 part blinding an disorienting. If its an intruder that can be subdued, the wife calls the cops, if he gets rowdy she calls the coroner, if its family they are just unpleasant for a few minutes.
In the living room there is a somewhat unobtrusive small frame revolver. The game room has a 22 pistol close at hand and my safe. The office is also a full frame semi handgun, the kitchen is a subcompact semi, and the garage has a shotgun out of plain sight. The plan is virtually the same in all rooms, identify and subdue or neutralize.
Handguns are plenty in the house, sometimes even overkilll. Ideally a reliable semi or pump shotgun with birdshot and buckshot alternating is the best answer. But they dont fit in nooks, crannys, and drawers.

Since I have a desk bed, which is cramped, loud, and hard to get down quickly if you want to still be in one piece afterwards, I guess i'd just accept my imminent doom.

Bowie knife duct-taped to my nightstand.

My hittin' stick.

It's a tree branch that I found whilst on a camping trip, and whilst everyone else was busy playing rugby, I sat whittling it by the fire, it's about 1.2 metres long, and an inch in diameter, and has been heat treated over a fire.

In a fight between it and a leg, the leg would break first.

Depends, are my dogs alerting? If so, what sort of alert? The bark my german shepard uses when someone is on the street is different then if someone is in the yard is different then if someone is in the house he doesn't know.

Assuming for this exercise he's alerting I'm going to grab the shotgun next to the bed and see why, I'm not worried about calling 911 because my alarm system will automatically trigger if someone breaks in.

What I'm not going to do it run out like a idiot, it could be nothing, could be someone robbing me or it could be local SWAT doing another no knock raid, or like in my neighbors case people pretending to be Tucson SWAT and robbing them at gun point.

You gotta handle it as it appears, it could be any number of things and I'm not looking to get shot or shoot someone, but not going to let them endanger my family either.

assultmarine wrote:while the topic of defending yourself from zombie/aliens/girls has come many, many times, the topic of your actual home invasion plan hasnt come up in my
three or so years of dakka i havent heard seen one.
so dakka, heres the scenario,
your in bed, its a normal night, your wife/partner/teddy is beside you in bed sound asleep, your awake.
you hear a sound from your hall, you see shadows on the wall.
what do you do?
whats your weapon of choice? do you have an accessable weapon? how do you defend your family?

Either:
1. Kill them. Kill them all!
or
2. sleep through it.

Sckitzo wrote:Depends, are my dogs alerting? If so, what sort of alert? The bark my german shepard uses when someone is on the street is different then if someone is in the yard is different then if someone is in the house he doesn't know.

Assuming for this exercise he's alerting I'm going to grab the shotgun next to the bed and see why, I'm not worried about calling 911 because my alarm system will automatically trigger if someone breaks in.

What I'm not going to do it run out like a idiot, it could be nothing, could be someone robbing me or it could be local SWAT doing another no knock raid, or like in my neighbors case people pretending to be Tucson SWAT and robbing them at gun point.

You gotta handle it as it appears, it could be any number of things and I'm not looking to get shot or shoot someone, but not going to let them endanger my family either.

Oo, you live Tuscon. might be safer to lie still in bed and hope its just home invaders and not regional SWAT.

Wait, your home invasion plan is about defense? Crap.

I've always operated under the theory that the best defense is a good offense.

biccat wrote:Wait, your home invasion plan is about defense? Crap.

I've always operated under the theory that the best defense is a good offense.

I always thought having tanks of trained giant pythons would be ideal. Alarm goes off, and the pythons are dumped onto all passers by. Yes!
This could be substituted for alligators as needed, because alligators are cool, and practically family.

Well fisrt I would observe the people for a few days and get there patterns down for their comings and goings.

Determine if they have any pets you need to b e concerned with and figure out how to deal with them

Wait for the people to be out of the house and break in and steal all the Hostess™ Fruit Pies before Lex Luthor can.

Sckitzo wrote:Depends, are my dogs alerting?

Wait you have dogs that alert? All mine only alert when the refrigerator opens...


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Ahtman wrote:Well fisrt I would observe the people for a few days and get there patterns down for their comings and goings.

Determine if they have any pets you need to b e concerned with and figure out how to deal with them

Wait for the people to be out of the house and break in and steal all the Hostess™ Fruit Pies before Lex Luthor can.

eeew harsh. You don't with a man's Hostess Fruit Pies.

I have 12 knives that my mam has for me, my step dad has a crossbow, my dad a police baton and all the canned food to last us the whole thing. My family and i would be fine.

black templar wrote:I have 12 knives that my mam has for me, my step dad has a crossbow, my dad a police baton and all the canned food to last us the whole thing. My family and i would be fine.

Not if Ahtman goes for your fruit pies!

Frazzled wrote:

black templar wrote:I have 12 knives that my mam has for me, my step dad has a crossbow, my dad a police baton and all the canned food to last us the whole thing. My family and i would be fine.

Not if Ahtman goes for your fruit pies!

What?????

black templar wrote:

Frazzled wrote:

black templar wrote:I have 12 knives that my mam has for me, my step dad has a crossbow, my dad a police baton and all the canned food to last us the whole thing. My family and i would be fine.

Not if Ahtman goes for your fruit pies!

What?????

Not what, but when.

This old classic applies:



If a friend of mine gets a lathe, he's promised me one.

Chowderhead wrote:

black templar wrote:

Frazzled wrote:

black templar wrote:I have 12 knives that my mam has for me, my step dad has a crossbow, my dad a police baton and all the canned food to last us the whole thing. My family and i would be fine.

Not if Ahtman goes for your fruit pies!

What?????

Not what, but when.

Well when and what?

My plan is to nuke the house from orbit... its the only way to be sure.

what do you do?

I stop them.

whats your weapon of choice? do you have an accessable weapon? how do you defend your family?

A light and night sight/dot equipped rifle. Yes. With harsh language, followed by liberal application of ammunition.

Don't you be coming after my fruit pies Ahtman. I know your type, and we are ready for you! These are not the fruit pies you are looking for. Move along.

My dog is jumpy enough that I'd probably hear him by the time someone got through a door/window. As far as defense goes, I have my shillelagh in my room, a cheaply made ren fair flail (good for at least a hit, probably not much more) and I know where my roommate keeps his 9mm in his room.

Obviously I'm not stopping someone who's packing bullets, but frankly, I'd be more concerned with having to continue to experience life with a catheter than I am about some stuff getting stolen. That's what homeowner's is for. It'd be a different story if my girlfriend lived with me.

Frazzled wrote:

biccat wrote:Wait, your home invasion plan is about defense? Crap.

I've always operated under the theory that the best defense is a good offense.

I always thought having tanks of trained giant pythons would be ideal. Alarm goes off, and the pythons are dumped onto all passers by. Yes!
This could be substituted for alligators as needed, because alligators are cool, and practically family.

I think you mean lava.

...everything I know about home defense I learned from Dwarf Fortress.

This could be substituted for alligators as needed, because alligators are cool, and practically family.

Good eatin too.

You'd eat your family?

I would consider it, if they were as tasty as alligators. But that is why humans are NOT as tasty as alligators. Cannibalism would be rampant. I mean, look at gators. They eat each other all the time! They're so tasty even THEY know it.

I got 2 dogs that'll make enough noise to alert anyone in my crappy-built huse Walls and floors are thin so hearing ther people is too easy. I'd grab the thicker end of a couple of snooker cues and use them as clubs

Zombies: Close the windows, lock the doors. This should hold the zombies off for two or three hours, unless more than ten are attacking at once. I immediately set to work bringing stuff upstairs and I turn on the water in the upstairs bathroom so that I'll have a bunch. Once the upstairs is supplied, I destroy the stairs one step at a time.

Xenomorphs: Hide; a weakling civilian like me couldn't hold their own against a Xenomorph. I have a closet that is massive, but due to the dense pile of stuff at the front you can't see the back part at all. I grab food and water and a cellphone (set on "vibrate," I don't want someone to text me and the ringing noise to alert the Xenomorphs to my presense) and I wait it out.

Girls: Ummm.... call the police? Well, it depends on why/if the girls are trying to kill me.

I have a full tang katana beside my bed. The basic plan is while my wife calls the Guards, I go down stairs leave all the lights off and take who ever down.

biccat wrote:
...everything I know about home defense I learned from Dwarf Fortress.

The natural way to learn how to protect you're home

I have a samurai sword (cheap prop replica, not a genuine one but good enough to do damage). My parents have a bayonet designed to be fitted to an enfield rifle which is the genuine article.

I hope any burglar would be scared off when I come at them waving one of those over my head and likely completely starkers.