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Icebound

Prologue

Alexin Karos was a happy man. He had served in the Guard for five years, and he had not been wounded so far. He knew he was lucky, of course; most Optimus 43rd soldiers had a average lifespan of a month, recruitment to death. But he was quite content serving the Emperor, knowing it was the right thing to do.

Currently the 43rd were going to the insurgent Ofaris system to crush the rebellion. Other regiments had already deployed, and rumor was it that even Astartes was being deployed.
If these rumors were true, Karos did not know, and neither did it really matter. The insurrection would be stopped.

As Karos walked to the boarding deck, he saw Captain Mailus.

Mailus the hero. One of the best, if not the best strategist to ever be in the Optimus 43rd, Mailus had made a rocket career, reaching the rank of Captain in less than seven years; and it was likely that he would become the next Colonel. Mailus was the very example of a perfect guardsman; strong, brave, and strategical. It was a honour to serve under him. Alexin admired the sheer aura of willpower protruding from the Captain, and he knew he was not the only one to do so.

Ofaris was a grey world. Covered in factories, it's wilderness had been extinct for millennia. The planet had spent those millenia manufacturing materiel for the Guard and acting as a trading metropole in the subsector. However, the planetary governor's incompetent command had lead to almost all workers uprising. Such behavior was folly to Karos; one could not hope to win a war against the righteous might of the Imperium. But the Imperium soon recognized this as more than a simple riot; cultists had started appearing and many feared that the planet's inhabitants now had darker loyalties.

The leader of the rebellion was a mysterious individual, a man- if it were a man- known only as the Black One. However, it mattered little to Karos; he would do what he was told and nothing else.

Alexin had been briefed before the deployment. They were to support the Cadian 511st as they secured Manufactorum Belagos. They were deploying by Valkyrie, and would have to risk the storm of anti-aircraft fire.

"Alright men! move up the left flank! Go! Go! Go!" Sergeant Crafim shouted, running as he did so. Karos and the others quickly ran forward, following the Sergeant. They had deployed east of the Manufactorum, it's great walls shattered and broken by the orbital bombardment. As the squad reached the top of a rubble-strewn hill, Karos had the first sight of the battlefield.

It was absolute madness. The sheer scale of the battle was spectacular. In his years in the Guard, Alexis had never seen a battle of this size. Everywhere there were screams. But the screams were not only from dying men.

The cultists cried like madmen. The right flank had been torn apart, roaring cultists throwing themselves at the scattered guardsmen. The cultists were badly armed, carrying only tattered robes and having weapons no better than glass shards and pieces of rocks; and not many had weapons at all. But it didn't matter; numbers were enough. Karos muttered a silent prayer for these doomed Guardsmen.

The left side had fared better, concentrated lasgun fire and artillery holding the hordes at bay, but they could only hold for so long. The enemy were bringing up Basilisks of their own, and Karos knew that once these started firing, there would be little stop them from being overrun.

Just as it seemed that the Basilisks would start raining death, Mailus intervened.
The Regiment's Colonel had been wounded in the last engagement, and he was unfit for command. Thus, command had fallen to Mailus.

Three things happened at once. The Cultist basilisks exploded, targeted by accurate fire from the Captain's personal Manticore. Simultaneously, the right flanks' squads retreated to behind a defensive wall, throwing out booby traps as they went. The hordes died in masses to these traps, giving these squads the time they needed to focus their fire on the cultists assailing the left flank.

A cheer went up as the soldiers realised that the cultists had been driven off. Mailus smiled shortly, before walking back to his Chimera.

Everything looked like the day had been won....

A sharp, metallic thud was heard, and Mailus' head exploded. Panic ensued as the rest of the command chain was silenced in a similar manner, and Guardsmen panicked as they saw their hero killed so easily.

Five shadows walked out of the grey smoke that had suddenly enveloped the squads. As the shadows closed with the lines, Karos finally had his first view of this new enemy.
They were giants. Clad in white armor with deep metal red trims, and more than two and a half meters tall, these could only mean one thing. Crafim had seen as much as he had, and the Sergeant immediately shouted into his vox: "Retreat! Retreat! Traitor Marines!

Alexin could see a Commissar trying to restore order, urging his men to charge, but he was quickly killed.
With the death of the Commissar, the Guardsmen lost all heart. The 43rd retreated in disarray.

However, Karos had been separated from his squad. Seeing that the rest of the 43rd was fleeing made him unsure what to do. He saw that the Cadians were coming to reinforce them, but he wanted to stay with his squad. In the end, he decided to charge; he had never fought marines before, or even seen them, but how dangerous could they be? Surely their size made them slow in close combat, and Karos had been the best in his squad in melee. It was also an opportunity to show the bravery of the 43rd to the Cadians, and gain much glory; perhaps even a promotion?

He charged the nearest of the giants, and as he closed with it, he realised how truly terrifying it was. The Captain have had a powerful aura, but it was nothing to what this giant radiated.
Karos was so frightened so he continued to run, running for his regiment, running for his Captain, running for the Imperium! He slammed into the warrior with all the force he could muster.

It felt like slamming into a concrete wall. Karos felt his arm break, and fell on his back. The giant slowly turned to face him. It simply picked him up and threw him away effortlessly.

Alexin saw his life passing before him. His mates; oh, how he missed them. His Captain, the loss of him ached in his heart. But most of all, he missed his family, from which he had been recruited.
It felt so sad that he would never see them again.

He flied a full seven meters before crashing to the ground, shattering his spine. He saw the giant move away, going to meet the Cadians head on. He saw the Cadians being slaughtered by the warriors, and he realized that he was dying. He whispered one last prayer before the world went dark.

>To be continued<

I like the intro; the first few opening sentences catch the reader's attention well, especially with the "most Optimus 43rd soldiers had a average lifespan of a month" part.

Also, as you said when you commented on my story, we have similar writing styles. This is going to be extremely hypocritical of me to say, but I would suggest being more descriptive. Sentences like "They had deployed east of the Manufactorum, it's great walls shattered and broken by the orbital bombardment" are good.

Overall this is a great start. Keep on writing!

More descriptive. Got it. now writing chapter 1, anyone more?

Chapter 1.

A Chapter divided....

Three thousand years ago, the Thunder Dragons was a chapter in peril. Their home world of Karyvan, a rocky planet with mixed terrain, was under assault by an Ork Waaagh! under Warlord Nekbrakka. The Orks would have been victorius, destorying the Chapter and their world, if not for the intervention of the Craftworld Yhana.

The Yhana Eldar had been hunting Nekbrakka for a long time, performing hit-and-run attacks on the horde and disrupting their travel. Yet, they could not defeat the horde all by themselves, for the orks were many, and the Eldar were few. Isha'Ni, Farseer of Yhana and in command of the Craftworld, had always had a more friendly view of humanity than most other Eldar, decided that the Space Marines would be a powerful ally in the future if they were saved. And so, the Orks were crushed between the hammer of the Eldar force and the anvil of the Astartes defenses, and Nekbrakka finally slain by the combined effort of Isha'Ni and Master of Sanctity Turan Aleo.

The Eldar might've saved them, but the Thunder Dragons were still resentful against them. Casualties were high, but not catastrophic. In the end, it was decided that the Yhana Eldar were not enemies; however, neither were they true friends. They would simply prioritize other enemies if they ever met again.

The war was over, the planet saved. The Chapter began the long process of repairing the damage done by the Orks. The Eldar took their farewell, promising that they would meet again on the battlefield, one way or another.

However, the greatest catastrophe were yet to come....

Calun, a Codicier of the Thunder Dragons, had long been interested in the forbidden arts. He had been chastised, put under control of Chaplain Aleo. However, Calun decided that the only way to see the truth of the Warp was to gaze in it, unprotected of his Psychic Hood that normally shielded him. As he did so, he was instantly attacked.

A mysterious Daemon, called Z'sath possessed Calun and subtly began to infiltrate the Chapter. He knew that trying to open a Warp Rift would be too hard to hide, so instead he began to seek out those Astartes that were least strong in their faith, whispering words of treachery in their minds.

Aleo, being a Chaplain, soon realised what was happening. Z'Sath, however, had already completed his work. It was too late.

Almost two hundred Thunder Dragons stole a Battle Barge and ambushed the loyalists.

Turan's warning came in the last moment. The Chapter Master mobilized his forces, and counter-attacked the traitors.

Z'Sath had wrought many changes in Calun's body. Now more resembling a daemon than a man, he threw loyalists with his psychic powers like leaves to the wind.
Turan soon realized that any attempt to swamp Calun with numbers would fail; so he resolved to slay him himself. Thus, the duel that would decide who seized victory began.

Calun tried to kill Aleo, but, protected by his Rosarius, Aleo survived long enough to crush Calun's head with his Crozius. but that was just what Z'Sath had been waiting for.
With the death of the host body, Z'Sath took the advantage to enter the world. Now, the Thunder Dragons saw their true enemy.
Aleo immediately realized that it was beyond their ability to kill the Daemon. And so, he commanded the remaining Librarians to bind the Daemon into a rune, protecting them with his life.
The death of Aleo gave the Librarians the time they needed to capture the daemon. Thus, the battle was won. Without the Daemon, the traitors retreated to their ship and set course for they Eye of Terror.
The rune were sent to be buried at a sanctum in a distant moon, forever guarded to make sure the Daemon would not escape.

What happened with the traitors, none know...........

Chapter 2


"Impact in thirty seconds."

Captain Marius Aleo of the Thunder Dragons 6th company was a man of honor. He had lead his company for almost a hundred years, bringing much glory to his Chapter. Seen as one of the greatest heroes of the chapter, and heir of the Chapter Master, he was truly an angel of death.

"Impact in twenty seconds"

The harsh voice of the Drop-pod sounded again, and Marius readied himself. He felt the familiar feeling of his power sword, Wyrmfang, in it's scabbard, and his plasma pistol in it's holster.
He saw that his own men were also making themselves ready; checking their weapons, and then checking them again.

"Impact in ten seconds"

He and the 1st Tactical Squad were being deployed to secure a Manufactorum, and where the Guardsmen had failed Marius was assured that they would succeed. The last thing that had been heard from the forces were that they were under attack by hordes of cultists. Then the communications had been cut off, and whatever had befallen the guardsmen were unknown; though Marius assumed that they simply had been overrun. It didn't matter, the objective was the same.

"brace for impact"

The Drop pod slammed into the ground, instantly releasing the harnesses that held the squad in place. The doors slammed open, and the squad emerged.

Marius saw that their landing position were secure. They had landed on the top of a large hill, with good oversight over the battlefield, and over the Manufactorum below. Elements of the Optimus 23rd had established a base of operations nearby, so Marius decided to head there.

As they walked towards the circle of sandbags and barricades that was the field base, he saw that the area was devastated. The Manufactorum had been blasted apart from the orbital bombardment, and the area was now little less than ruins and rubble. Marius remembered their secondary objective; to find and rescue any surviving tech-priests.

Marius reached the base. He walked forward through the rows of sandbags, ignoring the impressed looks of the Guardsmen. Colonel Garram of the 23rd stood at a communications array. when he saw the Astartes approach him, he immidiately saluted.

"Well done, colonel. I am here to retake the Manufactorum, and i have been informed that you were available to support us."

"My- my lord, none of our forces that we have sent there have returned. We suspect that enemies lie in ambush."

"If there is an ambush there, we will eliminate it. I command you to follow us."

"As you command, my lord."

The Space Marines were already ready to depart, but the Guardsmen were slower. As Leman Russ engines were started, Guardsmen squads were gathered. The force were ready to depart in less than ten minutes, though it seemed like a painfully long time to Marius.

"Jorgen, you hold this position. First, you move out with me. Haraldus, you and Iveus will stay in the ship, ready to deploy. Sergei, you stay with Haraldus' squad."

"Aye, Captain."

"Yes, Captain."

"Aye, Captain."

As soon as the orders were given, Techmarine Jorgen deployed his Thunderfire Cannon and his Tarantula Sentry guns. As Marius marched down towards the Manufactorum's ruined gate, he saw that Jorgen started working on improving the base's defenses with his Servitors.

The Manufactorum was huge. Fully seven kilometers deep, from entrance to entrance, searching through would take time. Marius ordered the forces to split; the Guard would search through the largest forge area, while the Astartes would search through the experimental weapons facility in the far end of the Manufactorum. This was because the Colonel had received reports that a Baneblade was stored in the facility, and such a prize must be seized for the Imperium.


"Captain?"
"Yes, Techmarine?"
"We have an incoming signal. It's from the ship"

I like the background of the Traitor Thunder Dragons. It's unique and intriguing, but it doesn't violate existing fluff.

Your writing style has also improved. It was already great before, now its even better and gives a good mental image of what's going on in the story.

Keep on writing!

Chapter 3

The Warp is disturbed.....

The loyalists had come. Sharikh had seen their arrival in the Warp, and few knew the Warp better than he. Many Guardsmen had been sacrificed, and the plan had been set in motion.

The Cold Revenge was a battle-barge, a warship that had served the Glacier Serpents for three thousand years. The ancient ship bore the scars of many battles, but none that would hinder its effectiveness. As Sharikh walked down the bridge of the ship, he saw the ship's Chirumeks calibrating the field that kept the vessel invisible to the loyalists. The field had been stolen from the Eldar at the Calixes campaign, and it had proved useful indeed. He smiled as he thought about the loyalists, ignorant of the fact that they were being monitored.

The battle had been short. the Immortals had returned to the ship after having destroyed the Guard companies that had tried to assail the Manufactorum. It had been little sport in the fight; the Guardsmen rarely put up much of a resistance. Sharikh knew that the loyalists would offer up a more entertaining battle. He hoped that they had brought a Librarian with them; showing his superiority in the ways of the Warp was always tempting. As soon as he reached the end of the bridge, he stopped. He immediately recognized Karnus the Plague Champion. His voice was dark and slurring.
"You have returned, sorcerer.... i suppose everything is going as planned....?"
Despite their differences in god loyalty, they still served under one lord; they were far from friends, but they were not enemies either.
"Yes, it has. And our lord?"
"He is readying his warriors for battle, and so should we....."
"Then let us do so."
Sharikh saw Karnus moving towards the Nurgle follower's wing of the ship, and Sharikh made his way towards the Tzeentch quarters. Each god's followers had their own part of the huge ship dedicated to them, except for the middle room; that wing belonged to the Immortals and the Lord. As he crossed through the mutated doorway into his own wing, he saw that everything was as it should be. A dozen of his most favoured cultists were sacrificing captured Guardsmen in one corner, the soldiers' souls dedicated to the Master of Change. In another corner, he saw that his acolytes were diving into the Warp, training in sorcery. In the middle, Sharikh's Marines stood and repaired and cleaned their weapons and armor at a small shrine.

All the occupants in the room, with the exception of the Guardsmen, bowed to him. "Hail, Master Sorcerer!" Sharikh stood tall and strode to the altar into the middle of the room.

"My brethren, soon is the time to get revenge on the hated Thunder Dragons, but we must be patient; change will come eventually. You know the Lord's plan; disrupt communications, eliminate supply lines. Do not interrupt his plans, for you will regret it."
Fear was struck into the cultists at the mention of their Lord, and even the Marines felt uncomfortable.
However, obey his will, and you will get glory unheard of. My warriors, the day of vengeance draws near!"

The cultists began cheering, but his marines remained silent. Sharikh moved to the shrine, sending his mind into the deepest reaches of the ship.

Now, they just had to wait.

Hey there, this i very well written. When did you say will you post the next chapter? Im waiting....

Its intresting to read other guard fluff, and traitor fluff; thats becaue i wrote some fluff myself, about Guard traitors

mind to have a look at it? I think we can learn from each other
http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/416032.page

I'm posting a lot more on Monday; patience, my friend.

Dude, this is AMAYZAH! I think that the finale of this story needs some plague zombies. Can't go wrong with the zed! Your storytelling style is great, but you do have some grammar issues.

You should put this into microsoft publisher and make a booklet for this!

Looking good so far, keep at it. It has potential to be really good.

The only criticism I can make is to spell check some things, but it's a minor complaint rather than actual criticism.

I approve

MrMerlin, I'll have a look at yours too at some point soon, I'm interested to see a viewpoint from traitor Guard.

People seem to comment about the grammar, but I do not understand why. I ran this through Word and it didn't complain.

Word is terrible at grammar. If I ran " Bob shakes banana at Fred.", as opposed to "Bob is shaking the banana at Fred", it wouldn't complain. Word doesn't understand basic grammar, so things like an "is" or "it" where you've made a typo and typed "i" instead will not show up. The lower case i will be auto-corrected to a capital I, but I digress. The best way to do it is to run through it yourself.

But the grammar issue is minor, unlike a lot of fan fiction on the internet; even the black Library don;t have 100% correct grammar or word checks.

I dont mind at all about grammar mistakes, propably because firstly, i am unable to spot any but the most obvious ones, and secondly I make too many myself (or at least i think so; well i dont find them )

Grammar seems fine to me. The story's pretty entertaining so far and I hope to see more.

Keep it up, good stuff.

I just posted my first fiction, not nearly as well written, but its a 2nd version of a rough draft... next will be to try and add characters and color to it all...

Finally! some things have gotten in the way, but here it is.


Chapter 4

The Spear of Karyvan was rippling with motion. The readouts from the surface had been unbelievable. As Jorgen received the reports from the ship, he saw that this could not bode well. Volcanic activity had increased all over the planet, and the cultist forces had been moving too. Before, the cultists had been amassed at the planetary capital, a hive city named Bagoport. Now, they were quickly moving towards Manufactorum Belagos. Jorgen saw from the readings that this was the majority of the cultists of the planet, and all of them were moving to encircle his own Battle-Brothers!

He knew that they would need support to handle millions upon millions of deranged madmen. Yet, it would be little that he could do but to inform his Captain. Sergei’s force would stay in strategic reserve, ready to drop down at the right moment.

“A signal? Saying what?”
Marius remained calm, despite the apparent distress of the Techmarine.
“Much information, but mainly it states that the main cultist force has left the capital and is moving your way!”
“They’re moving now? I thought they were defending the capital!”
“They were before, but we do not have time for discussing it.”
“True. Order Sergei’s force to make ready to drop, but remain on standby.”
“As you command, Captain.”

Jorgen commanded his servitors to begin packing up. He would join the Captain’s forces and help them defend. But these hated cultists would get a nasty surprise if they tried to steal this post. Jorgen armed some of his proximity mines, and deployed three Tarantula sentry guns from his Rhino. As he prepared to move out, he started to look over what used to be a city, now bombed into a plain covered with rubble.

Then, he saw that it was not a plain at all. It was the cultist horde.





Chapter 5

Marius smashed another cultist to the ground, his insane screams cut off as his spine broke. The Captain swung his sword, cutting a madman from collarbone to pelvis, before shooting another one down with his plasma pistol. He immediately began searching for more enemies, but stopped as he saw all of them were dead. So many…..

The Guardsmen had been taken completely by surprise. Unable to arrange a proper defense, they had immediately retreated and established a command post. The Space Marines had driven the cultists away, giving the guardsmen the time they needed to clear the rubble around the post, creating a defendable killing ground. But the heretics had not been easy to scare away. Some had infiltrated the post by pretending to be dead. Those had been easy to deal with, but it drove their attention away. The Guard had been forced to deal with the infiltrators themselves.

“Sergeant, Report” Marius said calmly, wiping the blood from his sword.
“We have held the post, Captain. No losses for us, and only minor in the Guard.”
“We must move on. Remember our objective.”
“As you command, Captain. The colonel has volunteered to stay here, holding the post and luring the heretics away.”
“Good. This area is too small for the cultists to use their numbers.”
“I am moving towards the post. ETA four minutes”

Marius began jogging towards the post. As he crossed a corner, he saw that some cultists had remained hiding. They pointed and shouted as they saw him. Marius did not stop; instead, he began to move faster. As the heretics realized what he was doing, it was too late. He smashed through them with the force of a train, crushing two and sending the rest flying. Marius did not stop, running onwards.


Jorgen had left his last proximity mines, Tarantulas and even his Rhino with the Guardsmen. As he saw the Captain reaching the post, he saw that it was the right thing to do; the Guardsmen could use all assistance they could get. The squad was ready to move out. Jorgen checked his artificer Boltgun and began the walk.

Marius checked the holo-map inside his helmet. Five hundred meters. They had reached the entrance.

The entrance to the experimental facility was majestic. It was decorated with the cog-skull of the Adeptus Mechanicus, and covered in symbols of machines and technology. It consisted of a two-part gate with many locks, and it would take time to open.

Marius commanded Jorgen to open the gate, and he quickly moved to a console at the left part of the gate. Jorgen effortlessly moved through different protocols until he found something of use.
“Captain, I have started the command that opens this gate. However, the gate’s sensors states that cultists are incoming. Looted Leman Russ, it seems. I also found that the entire facility is in fact underground. We should call down our reserves now.”

“Do so. Leman Russ, you said? Brothers, make ready.”

As the large gate slowly began to open, the screams of Drop Pods thundered through the manufactorum. Two drop pods slammed into the ground a dozen meters away; one of standard size, and one larger. As both opened, the smaller disgorged Haraldus and his assault squad, along with Sergei, a Chaplain. The larger one, however, contained Ancient Iveus, a Dreadnought.
“Well met, young Marius. I see you have finally realized my value on the battlefield.”
“Indeed, honored Ancient. Jorgen, you stay with Iveus. Haraldus, you and your squad should leave your jump packs here. There won’t be room inside.”
“Very well, Captain.”
“Now, let us move.”

Awesome dude. Great to see some Traitor Fluff, and even better to get some background for the Thunder Dragons.

My friends, today is a sad day. I wrote a ton, but the computer crashed before saving springed to mind........



I don't think I will continue on this story. I lost too much. I also got some hints from other directions, and I realised how I can greatly improve my writing.
I will likely start over with a new story. I will try to improve many things. For example, so far I've made my chapters about a page long; it's quite short really. A chapter should be about 20 pages, or more.
Ideas are welcome, but I will start a new thread. This will not be my first short story, after all.

As I said, any ideas or help is welcome.

Grr. Damn computer crashes.

It's a nice story, it's a shame you're ending it. I once lost a massive entry to one of my old stories, The Daemon Blade I think, and didn't write anything new for a week and a half.