I can't tell my favorite due to the prudish nature of society, so i'll tell my favorite "church" joke.
A man goes skydiving, and after jumping pulls his cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the spare. Nothing happens.
Plummeting to his certain death, he sees another man flying up to meet him, covered in soot and cinders. He shouts to him "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No," the other man replies. "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"
A deeply religeous man gets caught up in a tidal wave and washed out to sea, whilst clinging to a piece of wood he prays to his god "Oh lord I have lived a good and clean life, please find it in your infinate wisdom to save me". About 5 minutes later a fishing boat appears and offers to pull him aboard, the man says "no need my friend my god will save me" after a few minutes trying to save him the boat sails on looking for other survivors. 10 minutes later another boat appears and offers to save the man, again he refuses help, insistant the "my god will save me". 30 minutes later a rescue helicopter appears over head and lowers a winch to lift the man up, once more he refuses convinced that his god will save him. Eventualy the mans strength fails and he lets go of the wood and drowns. He comes around and finds himself face to face with his god and asks of him "Oh wise and powerful god, why did you forsake me in my hour of need, why did you allow me to die" to which his god replies "You stupid bastard I sent you two boats and a helicopter what more did you want?"
squilverine wrote:A deeply religeous man gets caught up in a tidal wave and washed out to sea, whilst clinging to a piece of wood he prays to his god "Oh lord I have lived a good and clean life, please find it in your infinate wisdom to save me". About 5 minutes later a fishing boat appears and offers to pull him aboard, the man says "no need my friend my god will save me" after a few minutes trying to save him the boat sails on looking for other survivors. 10 minutes later another boat appears and offers to save the man, again he refuses help, insistant the "my god will save me". 30 minutes later a rescue helicopter appears over head and lowers a winch to lift the man up, once more he refuses convinced that his god will save him. Eventualy the mans strength fails and he lets go of the wood and drowns. He comes around and finds himself face to face with his god and asks of him "Oh wise and powerful god, why did you forsake me in my hour of need, why did you allow me to die" to which his god replies "You stupid bastard I sent you two boats and a helicopter what more did you want?"
Three schoolgirls which are friends begin complaining about their repetetive lunch cycle. The redheaded one says " if i get salad again, im going to kill myself." the brunnete says " if i get a hotdog again, im going to kill myself too!" then the blonde says "if i get a sandwhich im also going kill myself. Tomorrow the three girls where right about their lunches and took their own life. The redheaded mothers girl said "i did not know she hated salad so much..." the brunnete's mom said " i did not know she disliked hot dogs..." the blonde's mother said "she packs her own lunch."
SO there's this truck driver, and he really really hates Lawyers. Whenever he sees one on the side of the road, he goes out of his way to run them over when he sees them.
So one day, this trucker picks up a hitch hiking priest. Down the road he notices a lawyer, and naturally without thinking pulls up onto the curb to run him over. Then he thinks, "Wait, there's a priest in my truck!" He turns away, bumping the curb with a loud thump. He stops a mile down the road, and turns to the priest. He says, "Forgive me father, I almost hit that lawyer with my truck." The priest replies, "You don't have to apologize. You're aim was a little off by I knocked him over with the door."
Blitza da warboy wrote:Three schoolgirls which are friends begin complaining about their repetetive lunch cycle. The redheaded one says " if i get salad again, im going to kill myself." the brunnete says " if i get a hotdog again, im going to kill myself too!" then the blonde says "if i get a sandwhich im also going kill myself. Tomorrow the three girls where right about their lunches and took their own life. The redheaded mothers girl said "i did not know she hated salad so much..." the brunnete's mom said " i did not know she disliked hot dogs..." the blonde's mother said "she packs her own lunch."
Thi is not approprate for anyone under 18. Still funniest joke ever
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says " i have the worst life, people chop me up in salad and eat me.
The pickle says, "i 've got it worse, people eat me whole."
The penis says," Thts nothing. Somtimes my owner beats me, then sometimes he puts a plastic bag over my head,sticks me in a dark hole and bangs on me until i throw up!"
Thi is not approprate for anyone under 18. Still funniest joke ever
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says " i have the worst life, people chop me up in salad and eat me.
The pickle says, "i 've got it worse, people eat me whole."
The penis says," Thts nothing. Somtimes my owner beats me, then sometimes he puts a plastic bag over my head,sticks me in a dark hole and bangs on me until i throw up!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Tho if we're able to tell them all, "You're not here for the hunting, are you?" never fails to get a snicker out of me.
No offense Imbad but the funniest 40k joke I've ever heard is your sig... What kind of limey, yellowbellied grot needs a microphone? Any warboss worth his choppa will have mastered the art of BELLOWIN ATDA TOP UV 'IS DAMN LUNGZ!!!!!!!! WAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In today's news, Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle and Keith Moon were arrested today for releasing all the hounds from a local zoo, possibly under the influence. One police officer commented that for the first time ever, The Who let the dogs out.
Some sad news today, as a young man known as the human cannonball at a local circus was injured during a performance. After climbing into his cannon, his donkey companion from his act followed him into the cannon as it was firing. According to surgeons who operated after the accident, it took them three hours to remove his head from his ass.
Two monks were arrested today after trying to sell flowers on the lawn of the Playboy Mansion. Hugh Hefner reportedly called the police after finding out about these two loitering on his property. As one officer commented, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A man was found dead today in a locally owned rice field, apparently having been beaten to death by a matryoshka doll which was found on the scene. An officer on the scene commented that this may well be the first known occurrence of a knick-knack paddy whack.
What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a pool?
-A baby with it's water-wingies slashed.
Whats red and orange and floats at the top of a pool?
-Water-wingies with it's baby slashed.
What's the difference between a Ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
-I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What's worse than a barrel full of dead babies?
-Two barrels full of dead babies.
What's worse than that?
-One live baby at the bottom who has to eat it's way out.
What's worse than that?
-He went back for seconds.
What's worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
-A baby nailed to 10 trees.
How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
-Nail it's other hand to the floor.
A man is rushing into work with a pair of waffles precariously perched on top of his coffee mug. They sway and slide, but he adjusts it in the nick of time. Finally, he makes it to his desk. His coworker says, "Why don't you just make two trips and carry the waffles seperately?"
To which the first worker replies, "What? Waffles are part of a well balanced breakfast."
Commander Endova wrote:What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a pool?
-A baby with it's water-wingies slashed.
Whats red and orange and floats at the top of a pool?
-Water-wingies with it's baby slashed.
What's the difference between a Ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
-I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What's worse than a barrel full of dead babies?
-Two barrels full of dead babies.
What's worse than that?
-One live baby at the bottom who has to eat it's way out.
What's worse than that?
-He went back for seconds.
What's worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
-A baby nailed to 10 trees.
How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
-Nail it's other hand to the floor.
Whats the difference between a truck load of bricks and a truck load of dead babies? You can't unload the bricks with a pitch fork.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who gives a gak, what the feth was she doing out of the kitchen?
Q: What do you call the useless fleshy part around a woman's vagina?
A: Her name!
Q: What is ET short for?
A: So that when he walks around inside his tiny little spaceship he doesn't bang his head.
Q: Doctor, doctor, I don't know if I am a teepee or a wigwam? What should I do? What am IIIIII? A TEEPEE or a WIGWAM?! Help me, oh god, won't somebody please help me?
A: Calm down, calm down, you are two tents. (too tense)
Q: Why does Gary Glitter like twenty-five year olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them!
The lone female gorilla at the local zoo was in heat, and causing a lot of problems with her handlers. Finding a male gorilla proved impossible, and eventually the management decided something drastic had to be done, and they subvertly put out the message that someone... anyone was needed to perform certain 'unnatural' acts in order to relieve the primate in question of her natural desires for nine-hundred dollars. Paddy, the badger-keeper, was intriuged, and approached the coordinator of the primate section with his terms.
"I have three conditions. First," he said to the manager, "No one can know about it. No one is ever to know, understand?"
The manager was quite happy to oblige.
"Secondly," Paddy indicated seriously, "There is to be no tongue-kissing."
A little confused, the manager assured him that this would not be a problem.
"Okay, great. There's just one more thing..."
"Yes? Yes? Anything, what is it?"
"It might take me a week or two for me to come up with the $900."
This thread is full of win. I'll leave some classics here.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You cover it with gasoline and then light it on fire; it goes WHOOOOOOOOF!
How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Put it in a deep freezer for a week, then cut it in half with a circular saw; it goes RRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!
reds8n wrote:*optimist hat engaged*Several posts deleted, if we could try and keep it roughly to a Pg13 rating please. ta.
I'm not at all sure what this means, but the broad notion amongst Dakkites that infanticide is somehow better than posting a series of "classic" ethnic / n*ggr & P*lck / r*trd jokes doesn't really sit well with me. If this trend continues, I'm probably out of this thread, as I'm just not into baby-guro.
I'd rather see stuff like this:
So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty rifle.
After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."
The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.
After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting, are you?"
A husband and his wife to to the husbands 10 year reunion.
They are sitting at the table and at the table across from them they see a lady with alot of scotch.
The husband says "That is my old girlfriend. When i dumped here i hear she utrned to the bottles. Never been the same sense"
The wife said"who knew she could celebrate for so long?'
Locclo wrote:
Some sad news today, as a young man known as the human cannonball at a local circus was injured during a performance. After climbing into his cannon, his donkey companion from his act followed him into the cannon as it was firing. According to surgeons who operated after the accident, it took them three hours to remove his head from his ass.
So, a bear and a rabbit were squatting next to each other in the woods, crapping.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have problems with sh** sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No. Why?"
So, the bear picks the rabbit up & wipes his *ss with him.
What's black & white & red all over and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her chest.
This one's gonna be difficult. It's a long one. Probably better spoken, but here goes...
Little Johnny's only 6 and already, he's got a dirty mouth. Damned dirty. He'd make half of you here blush. Everyone knows it, too.
So, in class one day, the teacher announces today's language lesson. She's going to name a letter of the alphabet & choose someone in the class to say a word that starts with that letter.
"A," starts the teacher.
Well, of course, Johnny's hand shoots up. Thinking the better of it, she chooses Suzy, who says, "Apple."
After congratulating Suzy on a job well done, she moves on to "b." Of course, Johnny's hand shoots up again and, once again, she avoids him. Little Timmy says "Baseball."
Another kudos. For Timmy, this time.
This process continues; C,D,E,F... Every time, she's just too afraid to choose Johnny.
Finally, she reaches "R." As always, Johnny's hand is in the air. Thinking hard, she just can't think of a bad word that starts with "R."
"Okay, Johnny," she relents, "What's your word?"
"Rats!"
"Wow, Johnny! Very good," she replies.
"Yeah," he says, "Rats... With d*cks, this F***ing big!"
MagickalMemories wrote:So, a bear and a rabbit were squatting next to each other in the woods, crapping.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have problems with sh** sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No. Why?"
So, the bear picks the rabbit up & wipes his *ss with him.
What's black & white & red all over and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her chest.
This one's gonna be difficult. It's a long one. Probably better spoken, but here goes...
Little Johnny's only 6 and already, he's got a dirty mouth. Damned dirty. He'd make half of you here blush. Everyone knows it, too.
So, in class one day, the teacher announces today's language lesson. She's going to name a letter of the alphabet & choose someone in the class to say a word that starts with that letter.
"A," starts the teacher.
Well, of course, Johnny's hand shoots up. Thinking the better of it, she chooses Suzy, who says, "Apple."
After congratulating Suzy on a job well done, she moves on to "b." Of course, Johnny's hand shoots up again and, once again, she avoids him. Little Timmy says "Baseball."
Another kudos. For Timmy, this time.
This process continues; C,D,E,F... Every time, she's just too afraid to choose Johnny.
Finally, she reaches "R." As always, Johnny's hand is in the air. Thinking hard, she just can't think of a bad word that starts with "R."
"Okay, Johnny," she relents, "What's your word?"
"Rats!"
"Wow, Johnny! Very good," she replies.
"Yeah," he says, "Rats... With d*cks, this F***ing big!"
Eric
I can think of a dirty word that starts with R... Republican!
mattyboy22 wrote:Yesterday I was arrested for simple assault.....I attacked a guy with an inclined plane and a few pulleys.
I for one love science humor.
Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"
mattyboy22 wrote:Yesterday I was arrested for simple assault.....I attacked a guy with an inclined plane and a few pulleys.
I for one love science humor.
Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"
Yay!
Please don't attach non wargaming images to Dakka. Thanks.
Samus_aran115 wrote:Screw you cannerus! That was mean. Seriously...Mean..Like really...Like, totally.
Yeah.
Totally mean.
About that only thing I've ever heard that mean was this time some guy bragged on an internet forum about stealing someone's model just because he didn't like him...
what do toilets and anniverseries have incommon? Men always miss them.
A wife wake up to find her husband crying on th couch. She asks whats wrong. he says"remember when i got you pregnant and you dad said i could maryy you or go to jail for having sex with a minor?" She says "Yeah?" He says "well today is the day i would get out of jail"
A woman walks into the Grocery store. She goes up to a worker and says,
"I'd like Lettuce, Pumpkins and Tomatoes, please"
The Man replies, "I'm sorry, we're out of tomatoes"
"Ok then, I guess I'll have Beetroot, Carrots and Tomatoes then"
The Man again says "Look, we have no Tomatoes"
"Fine, just get me some Bananas, Onions and Tomatoes"
The man gets angry and shouts, "What happens if you take the B out of Brocolli?"
"Rocolli"
"What happens if you take the C out of Cauliflower?"
"Auliflower"
"And what happens if the take the F out of Tomatoes?"
"But there is not F in Tomatoes"
"And that's what I was trying to tell you"
Thats what they all say. And I found them first when I was young too, doesn't mean others should.
Anyway I think 2 days before thread lock. 6 at the outside chance.
Two Buddhist monks were going on a long journey in the Himalayas when the younger monk noticed that no food had been taken for the trip.
"Buddha will provide", was all the older monk said about it.
After days of travel with no food, the younger monk was getting faint with hunger and expressed his fears of death by starvation.
"Buddha will provide". was all the older monk said.
After another half day of travel, the monks found a dead Yak, which the younger monk immediatly proceeded to eat chunks of.
When he was done, he noticed that the older monk had not partaken and chided him for being too fastidious.
"Buddha will provide", was all the older monk said.
As the monks traveled further down the trail, the Yak the younger monk had eaten began to disagree with him. Soon he was doubled over, vomiting in the snow.
At this point, the older monk pulled out his chopsticks and said,"Buddha has provided you with a frozen Yak to eat, but he has provided me with a warm meal."
VikingScott wrote:Thats what they all say. And I found them first when I was young too, doesn't mean others should. Anyway I think 2 days before thread lock. 6 at the outside chance.
Notice the unsure smiley, I turned out anything but fine.
And yeah, sooner or later someone will post a joke so abominable that the thread gets locked. I'll get that ball rolling...
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."
The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass." So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time. On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass." So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
And yeah, sooner or later someone will post a joke so abominable that the thread gets locked. I'll get that ball rolling...
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."
The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
Tim the Biovore wrote:A woman walks into the Grocery store. She goes up to a worker and says,
"I'd like Lettuce, Pumpkins and Tomatoes, please"
The Man replies, "I'm sorry, we're out of tomatoes"
"Ok then, I guess I'll have Beetroot, Carrots and Tomatoes then"
The Man again says "Look, we have no Tomatoes"
"Fine, just get me some Bananas, Onions and Tomatoes"
The man gets angry and shouts, "What happens if you take the B out of Brocolli?"
"Rocolli"
"What happens if you take the C out of Cauliflower?"
"Auliflower"
"And what happens if the take the F out of Tomatoes?"
"But there is not F in Tomatoes"
"And that's what I was trying to tell you"
Ktulhut wrote:And yeah, sooner or later someone will post a joke so abominable that the thread gets locked. I'll get that ball rolling...
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."
The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
VikingScott wrote:The joke is that you wasted 4 minites of your life reading it.
It's all funny to the poster.
....Oh, well. I just skipped over the parts where he asks "if he's *the* black and white space marine on a black and white bike", which saved me a couple minutes :3
If you want jokes you should check out Litko. I heard they sell industrial sytems and space corridors for playing Space Giant with bloody knights and chromostealers.
Ok.. here is one slightly modified from Monty Python.... You can find the original version on the DVD Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.
During the 'Australian Philosophy Song' bit, Eric Idol begins throwing Fosters beer in cans to the audience. When asked why he responds...
"Because American beer is like making love in a canoe."
"Making love in a canoe?"
"Fething close to water."
Automatically Appended Next Post:
mrwhoop wrote:The Killing Joke
by the Joker
"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"
Still gets me to laugh
One of my Faves.... they should have made a Batman film of this book.
VikingScott wrote:The joke is that you wasted 4 minites of your life reading it. It's all funny to the poster.
....Oh, well. I just skipped over the parts where he asks "if he's *the* black and white space marine on a black and white bike", which saved me a couple minutes :3
If you want jokes you should check out Litko. I heard they sell industrial sytems and space corridors for playing Space Giant with bloody knights and chromostealers.
Where'd that poem go....
AHA! That took a lot of searching but I found it!
Like I don't understand If this thread is here for anyone To just post what ever Kind of jokes they have. Or is this thread
Actually here for Exciting things that Really make you kind Of laugh until you look Silly because now Your laughing at Stupid jokes That only an Elephant would be able to Make funny with his Solid amount of weight!
Space is a wide area with no Corridors and in the Industrial workforce people want Towers to be built to go there!
Shortly after the death of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the new Cardinal found himself in need of a new bell ringer and so he hired several cryers to stand in the various open squares of Paris, calling out for applicants. The next morning he awoke and found a long line of prospective bell-ringers outside the doors of the cathedral.
One by one he admitted them into the cathedral, and one by one he walked them up the long flights of stairs to the bell tower. As they walked he spoke with each of them, learning each man's history, learning of his faith, and judging his character. Each in turn would ring the great bell, never knowing that the Cardinal was silently judging them on their character more than their ability to ring the bell. While many of the men who applied were quite able to produce a loud and clear ring from the bell, none measured up to the Cardinal's estimation of a true and proper Christian. After interviewing a score of prospects, the Cardinal began to despair that he would never find a decent man of honest Christian faith worthy of ringing the great bell at this great cathedral.
He returned to the doors and called forth the next of the applicants. A young man stepped forward and the Cardinal realized with a shock that the man had no arms.
"Young man, you have no arms," the Cardinal objected. "How can you hope to ring a bell?"
"I have faith in God that I shall find a way," he replied earnestly.
The Cardinal was intrigued by this answer, and invited the young man to follow him up the stairs. As they walked they discussed matters of faith and theology, and the Cardinal found himself quite impressed with the young man. He had been born without arms, and yet never in his life had he hardened his heart against Christ, and instead found his affliction to be a gift from God. He had learned through his own adversity to appreciate the struggles of others, and while he knew some had turned him away, he carried with him only the memories of all those good Christian souls who had seen his burden and offered their friendship, charity and kindness.
By the time the pair reached the bell, the Cardinal was certain that he had found a man possessing all of the character and good faith he could desire in a bell-ringer. But he was unsure that this noble young man would be able to actually ring the bell.
"Here it is then," he said as he gestured to the bell. "But I don't know how you'll ring it."
"Worry not, Father," said the young man. "I will use my face."
"Your face?"
Without an answer, the young man backed up to the very wall of the small room, then ran forward and launched himself at the bell, slamming his face into it with all of his might. The bell rang dully and the young man staggered back, his nose a broken and bloody ruin.
"My god!" shouted the Cardinal. "That was horrific! I'm sorry, my son, but no. I can't allow this. I'm afraid I can't hire you."
"Please Cardinal," begged the man. "All of my life I have wanted nothing more than to ring the great bell at Notre Dame. The pain does not bother me at all, for my faith in God protects me from all suffering. I desperately want this position, will you not reconsider?"
"I'm sure your faith is strong, but I simply can't allow it," the Cardinal protested, but the look in the man's eyes said his protest were to no avail, and so the Cardinal sought another tack. "Besides, that ring wasn't nearly loud enough. No, no, I'm sorry."
"Wait Cardinal, give me one more try."
The Cardinal held up a hand to protest further, but the young man was already backing up and preparing for another charge. This timee however he did check to see what was behind him, and so he backed directly towards a window. The protesting Cardinal tried to shout a warning, but the young man was ignoring his protests entirely, and so he tripped and stumbled, falling backwards through the window.
The Cardinal rushed to the widow ledge but it was too late. Far, far below him lay the young man, his body broken and twisted by his impact on the square below. The Cardinal dashed out of the room, leaping down the stairs three at a time, until he was at the doors of the cathedral. He pushed his way through the throng of applicants that had gathered around the poor young man's body. As he stood over him he quietly offered him the final benedicition.
As the Cardinal finished hiss prayer, the dozen or so applicants watched him. Finally one of them spoke up.
"Say Cardinal, who was he?"
"I don't know," the Cardinal answered. "But his face rings a bell."
Okay, I've unleashed this one in at least two Dakka joke threads before, and I was trying to hold back but now I'm unable to keep it in any longer. I heard this joke from my high school biology teacher, a prim, petite, irritatingly perky woman two years out of college herself, in 1984.
A man starts having a sharp pain in his arm, and so he goes to the doctor to find out what is wrong. The doctor tells him that he has just taken delivery of the latest in medical diagnostic machinery. All the man would have to do is pee in a cup and submit the sample to the machine for analysis and the cause of the problem would be revealed. The man is skeptical, but he pees in the cup anyway and brings it to the doctor. The doctor puts the sample in a slot in the front of the machine and presses the big red button. The machine clanks, hisses, whirrs and smokes for several minutes, then a slip of paper issues forth from another slot in its front. The doctor says to the man that he has tennis elbow, and that he should put a hot towel on it for a couple of hours, then he's be fine.
The man angrily replies that not only is there no possible way that a machine could figure that out from a urine sample, but the doctor could have figured it out from a five minute examination. The doctor says that he should perhaps try again tomorrow. The man agrees, and stomps out of the doctor's office, palming a urine sample container on his way out.
The man then heads home, telling his family what happened and how he is going to get the doctor back. He then has his wife, his son, his daughter and his dog pee in the cup, and then he pleasures himself, contributing that issue to the cup as well. He returns to the doctor's office the next day and gives the doctor the sample he collected the night before.
The machine does its thing, taking much longer than before, nearly shaking itself to pieces and belching forth black smoke before spooling out a great long slip of paper. The doctor looks at the paper, looks at the man, looks at the paper and then says to the man "Your wife has herpes, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant, your dog genuinely does become sexually aroused at the sight of your cowboy boots and if you don't stop pleasuring yourself, your tennis elbow will only get worse.
What is green and will hurt you if it falls out of a tree ontop of you?
...
...
...
A Pooltable!
What's yellow and can't swim?
...
...
...
A bulldozer!
How do you fit an elephant into the fridge?
--Open the door and place him inside!
How do you fit a giraffe into the fridge?
-- Take out the elephant, then put the giraffe in.
The king of the jungle, the lion, invited all the animals to his home for a meeting. No animal would dare refuse an invitation from the king of the jungle, for he would eat whoever refused. Who didn't come to the Lion's meeting?
-- The giraffe, because he's in your fridge.
You are on a great quest to find a lost city of gold. Your quest has gotten you chased by angry natives, who are on your tail. You have to cross a lake that is home to man eating alligators, and you don't have enough time to make a raft or to go around the lake. What do you do?
-- Swim right across. All the alligators are at the big meeting.
Q. You are stuck in a sealed room that is rapidly running out of air, the only item in the room is a table, how do you get out?
A. Rub your hands together until they are saw (sore), use the saw to cut the table in half, put the 2 halves together, 2 halves make a whole, jump through the hole.
Q. after jumping through the hole, you find yourself in the desert, miles from any food or water, how do you get to a town befcore you die?
A. shout until your voice is hoarse, jump on the horse and ride to the town.
An elderly couple go to the hospital as the wife has become terminally ill. In the hospital room, the wife asks her husband to retrieve a small box from the attic. Upon returning home the man finds the box and inside are two small hand-knit dolls and nearly $1200 in cash. Puzzled, he brings the box and its contents back to his wife.
"Where did these two dolls come from?" he asked.
"When I was little" , she replied, "my mother taught me a secret to keep a good marriage. I made the dolls when I was angry so I wouldn't stay mad at you." The husband swelled with pride knowing that in all their years of marriage he had only made his wife angry twice.
Then he remembered the money. "Where did the $1200 come from?"
A blonde and a brunetta re in a bar when a guy with bad danruff walks by. The brunette asyas to the blonde "Somebody should give that guy some head and shoulders."
The blonde asks 'How do you give a guy shoulders?"
What Big and grey and stands in the middle of a paddock?
A filing Cabinet.
A man walks into a dentists office and says, "I think I'm a moth"
The dentist replies, "Well if you think you're a moth, why did you come to the dentist?"
The man shrugs and says, "The light was on..."
+1 internet cookies to the person who says where that joke is from, +2 if you post the video
An arrogant Imperial Guard Officer stationed on a Shrine World sees this beautiful Sister of Battle every day on his way to and from the barracks. He tries talking to her once but she just brushes him off, all high and mighty. He often fantasizes about making love to her and showing her that she's no more holy than anyone else.
Then one day, he's stopped by a stranger.
"I can help you bed that Sororita," the man says.
"I don't know what you mean," the Guard Officer replies nervously.
"Hey, I won't report your sin as long as you don't report mine," the man whispers as he leans in. "You see, I'm a Slaaneshi Cultist."
Figuring that he's already in it pretty deep, the Guard Officer agrees.
"She prays every night at the shrine next to the barracks," the Slaaneshi Cultist tells him. "All you have to do is dress up as the Emperor and she'll think it's a vision. She'll do whatever her Emperor tells her, after all."
The Guard Officer agrees to try the Slaaneshi Cultist's plan that evening. He spray paints his flak armor and helmet gold and uses his kit blanket for a robe. Satisfied that the naive Sororita will be fooled, he goes and hides in the Shrine.
When the Sister gets there, she kneels before the Shrine and begins to pray. Suddenly, the disguised Guard Officer jumps out.
"Be not afraid, faithful Bride of the Emperor! I am here to answer thine prayers!" he declares in a booming voice.
"Oh mighty God-Emperor," the Sister says through her helmet vox, "how may I serve you?"
"I have come to give thee a blessing in your body, faithful Bride. Take off thy armor!" To the Guard Officer's immense satisfaction, the Sister obeys without hesitation except that she stops before taking off her helmet.
"Emperor, forgive your servant," she pleas, "but I wish to remain a virgin. Would simply bumming me be sufficient?"
The Guard Officer cannot believe his luck. Just as depraved as the rest of us, he thinks smugly.
"That will be fine, humble one," he says and then gets to it.
After finishing up, he rolls her over and starts to laugh loudly.
"You snobby nun," he cackles while taking off his helmet. "Let it be a lesson to you. I'm just the Guard Officer!"
"Oh my," she exclaims while taking off her helmet. "Don't worry. I'm just the Slaaneshi Cultist!"
An arrogant Imperial Guard Officer stationed on a Shrine World sees this beautiful Sister of Battle every day on his way to and from the barracks. He tries talking to her once but she just brushes him off, all high and mighty. He often fantasizes about making love to her and showing her that she's no more holy than anyone else.
Then one day, he's stopped by a stranger.
"I can help you bed that Sororita," the man says.
"I don't know what you mean," the Guard Officer replies nervously.
"Hey, I won't report your sin as long as you don't report mine," the man whispers as he leans in. "You see, I'm a Slaaneshi Cultist."
Figuring that he's already in it pretty deep, the Guard Officer agrees.
"She prays every night at the shrine next to the barracks," the Slaaneshi Cultist tells him. "All you have to do is dress up as the Emperor and she'll think it's a vision. She'll do whatever her Emperor tells her, after all."
The Guard Officer agrees to try the Slaaneshi Cultist's plan that evening. He spray paints his flak armor and helmet gold and uses his kit blanket for a robe. Satisfied that the naive Sororita will be fooled, he goes and hides in the Shrine.
When the Sister gets there, she kneels before the Shrine and begins to pray. Suddenly, the disguised Guard Officer jumps out.
"Be not afraid, faithful Bride of the Emperor! I am here to answer thine prayers!" he declares in a booming voice.
"Oh mighty God-Emperor," the Sister says through her helmet vox, "how may I serve you?"
"I have come to give thee a blessing in your body, faithful Bride. Take off thy armor!" To the Guard Officer's immense satisfaction, the Sister obeys without hesitation except that she stops before taking off her helmet.
"Emperor, forgive your servant," she pleas, "but I wish to remain a virgin. Would simply bumming me be sufficient?"
The Guard Officer cannot believe his luck. Just as depraved as the rest of us, he thinks smugly.
"That will be fine, humble one," he says and then gets to it.
After finishing up, he rolls her over and starts to laugh loudly.
"You snobby nun," he cackles while taking off his helmet. "Let it be a lesson to you. I'm just the Guard Officer!"
"Oh my," she exclaims while taking off her helmet. "Don't worry. I'm just the Slaaneshi Cultist!"
"And let that be a lesson to YOU!"
The version I first read had a Noise Marine and a... Chaos Sorcerer? Ah, I forget. Might be out there somewhere.
Yeah, I think I said Noise Marine when I posted a more graphic version on /tg/. The Chaos Sorcerer one was another I posted that same time. Both are just "40k conversions" you might say.
I hope no-one's heard a variation of this before, it's my very own joke - I made it up at work so naturally it would be the 'funniest' joke I've ever heard and hopefully original as well
There's a farmer two ewes and a ram walking through town, the farmers was wondering what they were going to do. Going to the pub seemed like a good idea, but he was a bit sheepish. He was afraid and didn't them to be Baaahed.
squilverine wrote:A teacher has just settled her class of 6 year olds down after the lunch break. She decides to play a little spelling game with them.
She asks one of the little girls "Miranda, what did you do during the lunch break?"
Miranda replies "I played in the sand pit"
"Ok, if you can spell 'sand' then I'll give you a sweetie"
Miranda does and she gets a sweet.
"Right then who's next, Billy, what did you do at lunch time?"
Billy says "well Miss I also played in the sand pit with Miranda"
" ok if you can spell 'play' I will give you a sweetie"
Billy does and he also gets a sweet
"Achmed, its your turn now, what did you do at lunch time?"
"I wanted to play in the sand pit, but Miranda and Billy wouldn't let me"
"oh dear" says the teacher "that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me"
Achmed nods his head sadly
"well not to worry, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' you can have a sweet"
That is awesome!
I don't know why, but one of my all-time favourites is from Harry Hill, at least I think it's his:
'I decided to do some DIY at the weekend, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.'
I recall something from the news a few years ago... Back when George Bush (Sr) was running for re-election. GB's running mate and VP Dan Quayle had been Senator from Indiana, that being his home State and all... before becoming VP.
A story ran during the election that year ran that George Bush was heading to Indiana... to go Quail hunting.
Being as I heard this on a tv news report.. I could not stop laughing about it.
warpcrafter wrote:Okay, I've unleashed this one in at least two Dakka joke threads before, and I was trying to hold back but now I'm unable to keep it in any longer. I heard this joke from my high school biology teacher, a prim, petite, irritatingly perky woman two years out of college herself, in 1984.
A man starts having a sharp pain in his arm, and so he goes to the doctor to find out what is wrong. The doctor tells him that he has just taken delivery of the latest in medical diagnostic machinery. All the man would have to do is pee in a cup and submit the sample to the machine for analysis and the cause of the problem would be revealed. The man is skeptical, but he pees in the cup anyway and brings it to the doctor. The doctor puts the sample in a slot in the front of the machine and presses the big red button. The machine clanks, hisses, whirrs and smokes for several minutes, then a slip of paper issues forth from another slot in its front. The doctor says to the man that he has tennis elbow, and that he should put a hot towel on it for a couple of hours, then he's be fine.
The man angrily replies that not only is there no possible way that a machine could figure that out from a urine sample, but the doctor could have figured it out from a five minute examination. The doctor says that he should perhaps try again tomorrow. The man agrees, and stomps out of the doctor's office, palming a urine sample container on his way out.
The man then heads home, telling his family what happened and how he is going to get the doctor back. He then has his wife, his son, his daughter and his dog pee in the cup, and then he pleasures himself, contributing that issue to the cup as well. He returns to the doctor's office the next day and gives the doctor the sample he collected the night before.
The machine does its thing, taking much longer than before, nearly shaking itself to pieces and belching forth black smoke before spooling out a great long slip of paper. The doctor looks at the paper, looks at the man, looks at the paper and then says to the man "Your wife has herpes, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant, your dog genuinely does become sexually aroused at the sight of your cowboy boots and if you don't stop pleasuring yourself, your tennis elbow will only get worse.
This is why I love Dakka.
Two blondes walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them ought to have seen it.
The first string says, "dudes, we're not going to get served here...they dont like pieces of string."
"Don't worry about it!" the second says, "We'll get served, go on up and get us some beers!"
"Ok, I'll try. Wish me luck!" and the first string goes up to the bartender.
"I'd like three beers please!"
The bartender says, "You're a string right? Sorry, we dont serve your kind here."
"Darnit", the first string goes back to the table and tells his friends, "like I said guys, we'll have to go somewhere else."
"Oh thats BS," the second string says, "I'll be right back, I'll handle this!"
The second string struts up to the bartender and slaps a 20 on the bartop. "I need 3 Pint's my friend....keep the change!"
Bartender looks closely at the string, "arent you a striing? I told your friend, we dont serve your kind here...BEAT IT!"
The second string picks his money back up and sulks back to the table. "Guess you were right...we'll have to go somewhere else."
"No we dont." The third string finally breaks his silence. "I got this."
He gets up from the table walks halfway to the bartop before he ducks into a booth. He unfurles the fibres at the top of his "head" giving him a very "moplike" and messy look, he steps back out of the booth and continues back up to the bartop.
The bartender looks him over as he approaches, squinting his eyes at him. "Look, I already told you guys, we dont serve your kiind here! You ARE a string arent you?!"
The third string replies, "Nope....I'm afraid not." (Frayed knot)
THE STORY OF BREWSTER THE ROOSTER
A farmer lost his rooster. Obviously, none of his hens would lay any eggs now. He needed a new rooster.
He goes to the rooster store, or pet shop, or wherethehellever people go to get a rooster.
"I got the best rooster ever right over here." the salesguy says. "His name is Brewster."
...a large healthy and young looking rooster was standing proudly on some boxes or whatever.
"Thanx! He looks great....I'll take him!" And the farmer took Brewster home and set him up on the fencepost. He ate dinner, had a leisurely night, and went to bed.
The next morning he awoke to Brewster's loud and strong crowing.
On his way out to begin his chores he saw brewster standing proudly on the fencepost, with what looked like a huge smile on his face.
The farmer made his way out to the henhouse to check on the hens, he was amazed at what he saw. The henhouse was OVERFILLING with eggs!! All the hens were "laid" out all over the place...exhausted by Brewsters stamina!
The farmer went back to Brewster, happy with what seemed to be a "jackpot" of a rooster. Jokingly he said to Brewster, "Brewster, you're going to screw yourself to DEATH!"
The next morning, the farmer woke to the same proud crowing. Brewster, with a big smile on his face, standing proudly on the fencepost, henhouse overfilling with eggs and hens "laid" out all over the place. When the farmer stopped by the pigpen, he notice all the PIGS were "laid" out in the same manner as the hens, exhausted and still sleeping, not even interested in the slop. On the way back to the fencepost to see Brewster...he also noticed that the farm's two DOGS were all "laid" out as well. Brewster had been VERY busy last night. Regardless, there was Brewster, standing proudly on his fencepost, proud of himself. "Brewster, you are going to screw yourself TO DEATH!"
The next morning, a rooster crows, tons MORE eggs, hens, dogs, cats, and pigs all laid out, exhausted. The farmer went to check on the cows. "No WAY!" he exclaimed. His entire herd of cattle were "laid" out from Brewsters nighttime activities. That rooster was having some fun at night, thats for sure. Still, there he was, perched on his fencepost, proud and strong, with that smile across his beak. "Brewster.....wow....just...BREWSTER, YOU ARE GOING TO SCREW YOURSELF TO DEATH!!"
The next morning, the farmer woke up late...he realised that there was no Brewster crowing that morning to wake him up. Worried, he threw on his robe and headed out to see what was wrong. Brewster wasnt on his fencepost...where could he be? He checked the henhouse, again, tons of eggs and all the hens laid out. He checked the pigpen...pigs laid out. The dogs and cats...same. He checked the cows....ALL laid out, but he didnt see brewster anywhere. Where could he be?
The sun began to rise over a hill in the grazing pasture (where some of the cows were exhausted and laid out of course) as he raised his hand to reduce the shine of the sun....he saw him...up on the hill...the silouette of Brewster laying at the top of the hill...feet sticking straight up in the air. "Oh NO!" the farmer yelled. "BREWSTER!!" The farmer ran up the hill to his prize rooster. "Brewster! I told you, I told you boy...you were going to screw yourself to DEATH!"
Brewster opened one eye and lifted a wing to his beak to silence the farmer, "Shhhhh", Brewster said and pointed to the sky.
There were vultures circling above.
Automatically Appended Next Post:
Borkin wrote:Bartender: "How do you take your whisky?"
Patron: "I like my whisky like I like my girls, 16 years old and mixed up with coke."
Starbucks employee to patron buying a pound of Coffee: "How do you like your coffee?"
Patron: "I like my coffee like I like my women, ground up and in the freezer."
