Phryxis wrote:Asking and accusing are not the same things
Even an innocent question can become an accusation if it's sufficiently serious. If you just randomly said to somebody, "hey, have you ever had inappropriate sexual contact with a child," they're not just gonna say "nah," and keep watching the baseball game. They're gonna say "no, and what the hell are you even asking me that for?"
"Are you gay," is that sort of question. It implies that, to you, it's within the realm of possibility that the person is gay. If being gay was totally fine, then that wouldn't be an insult. But, really, people DON'T think it's ok, no matter how much they pretend. So if you ask, you're slightly accusing them, and even the slightest accusation is offensive to some people.
Just say some people and I really don't have an argument against this. I could ask you who you think those people are in general, but you would not be obligated in any way to provide a specific answer.
Or it didn't, and you're trying to make a political point.
I'm not really trying to make it political. I wanted a less controversial phrase than "politically correct" but there isn't one. Bottom line, there is a lot of social baggage around homosexuality, and that social baggage stilts the conversation in ways that are not helpful. That's my point, not like "Barack Obama killed this kid!!!!"
Fair enough.
If you are correct in your assumptions then it is unfortunate people close to Mohat did not ask him those questions. To be frank, it certainly sounds like they did.
It sometimes takes more than just asking... And more than just once.
Consider:
Bully: "Hey, Mohat, you're gay!"
Mohat: "F U, Biff."
Bully: "Ha ha."
Mohat Friend: "What a jerk."
Mohat: "Totally."
Mohat Friend: "Yeah. I mean, you're not gay, right?"
Mohat: ".... Yeah, right."
Know what I'm saying?
Makes sense, but I will still add that neither of us know. Mainly because I feel that this is much the same argument you presented before.
I'll add that I do not see most friends reacting in the way you lay out here. You have added that the friend is now asking after such an incident, whether they are actually gay or not. In some ways that is exactly what you seem to want them to do, although, you may not see it as a good idea that they should ask right after such an incident.
There is a bit of a contradiction here in my opinion.
Plus, life happens when you're least prepared. Mohat is struggling with being gay. He goes to school one day, he's READY to come out. He just wants it to come up so he can say "you know, I think I am." But it doesn't come up. Mohat is sad, but moves on.
Then it's finals, and Mohat is stressed. He's worried about his grades, he's feeling a bit beat down. One of his friends is worried he's upset about bullying, and asks, very kindly, if Mohat is gay. He wants to say he is, but he just doesn't have the energy to take that step, that day. And so on it goes. And the friend doesn't ask again, and Mohat realizes he's further trapped himself beyond the possibility of acceptance.
How often do you think this happens?
I would guess that people knowing they are gay while in many ways hiding it, is an issue that is much more present in our culture.
Maybe Mohat KNEW, and killed himself for reasons that still connect to his inability to be mentally stable. It would seem probable that if Mohat were in fact gay, and confused about it, what you consider to be the probable actions of those close to him triggered his suicide. I don't believe that is necessarily the case here.
You can speak of their inaction playing a big part in his mental instability, but it is no more than speculation.
He could have been gay or straight, but your argument puts an awful lot of responsibility on other kids that were close to Mohat.
Depends how you define responsibility. I think, realistically, they were the only ones who had a chance to save him. So that's a pretty big responsibility. But it's not like I think poorly of them for failing to live up to it. It sounds like a tough deal.
