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A zoanthrope hovered into a bar, and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

Three guardsmen walk into a bar...
OW!
OW!
(made his save)

Six terminators walk into a bar...
OW!
(made his save)
(made his save)
(made his save)
(made his save)
(made his save)

A commissar, a chaplain and a preacher walk into a bar, the bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke!"

Teh Space Emporer, Horus O'Heresy and Eldrad walk into a bar.
Space Emporer says, "Give me your finest whiskey!"
Horus says "I want that!"
Eldrad says "I forsee trouble"

Magnus the Red walks into a bar.
OW!
"I wish I had depth perception!"

Thank y'all very much! I'll be here all week!

lol. I think I like the Teh Space Emporer, Horos O'Heresy and Eldrad one the best.

The Guardsman made his save? They get saves? Must have been a Lasbar... ba dum tish

"I wish I had depth perception!"

Exalt.

yay, 40k jokes!


heres a good one:

Repentia Sisters.

I think you fine gentlemen will enjoy warhammer jokes in this comic:

http://www.drunkduck.com/grim_dorkness/index.php?p=337332

Q.What is the easiest way to move 50 Eldar from one room to the other?

A.Use a pitchfork.



Q. How many Squats does it take to change a light-bulb?

GW A. There is/was/never will be anything like a Squat(you imagined it in the 80's)-next question please.

Huron Blackheart and his pet Hamadrya walk into a bar. Bartender says "still hanging out with this turkey huh?"
Huron Blackheart says "that's no turkey, that's a Hamadrya!"
Bartender says "I was talking to the Hamadrya!"

High Elf and a chariot lion walk into a bar and get roaring drunk. Lion passes out.
Elf goes to leave and the bartender says "hey you can't leave this lying here!"
So the elf says "that's not a lion that's a... oh wait, that doesn't work. Let's pretend I came in with a horse instead."
Bardender says "Okay"
So a High Elf and a chariot horse walk into a bar and get roaring drunk. Horse passes out.
Elf goes to leave and the bartender says "hey you can't leave this lying here!"
So the elf says "that's not a lion that's a horse!"

A Dark Elf riding a cold one walks into a bar, bartender says "that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen."
Dark Elf says, he may be ugly but he'll rip your head off.
Bartender says "I was talking to the cold one!"

Squat walks into a bar, orders one burbon, one scotch and one beer. Bartender looks him over and says "can you afford that?"
Squat says "Actually I'm a little short."

Dark Angel walks into a bar and puts the Villiage People on the juke box and starts dancing YMCA!
This is because Dark Angels are gay.

A man walks into a bar, gets totatally $%!+ faced. Bartender throws him. He stumbles out right into the arms of two inquisitors. The Inquisitors just knock him over. He gets real mad and says "Do you guys know who I am, I'm the Holy Space Emperor!"
The first Inquisitor shakes his head and says "no you're not."
The second Inquisitor shakes his head and says "now get out of our way."
"No I am! And I can prove it!" He gets to his feet and walks into the bar, the two Inquisitors follow him.
Bartender says "Holy Space Emperor you're back?"

Thank y'all very much! Don't forget to tip your waitress!

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dark Angel walks into a bar and puts the Villiage People on the juke box and starts dancing YMCA!
This is because Dark Angels are gay.

Quite simply a Kid Kyoto Klassic.

lol, possibly worth sigging Bigchris..possibly.

A Squat walks into a bar
You would think someone would warn him first......


One of the Imperiums finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the Bolter range, he was given some instruction, a Bolter, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Mechanicus Adept looked at his Bolter and then at the target again. He looked at the Bolter again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the Bolter barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

A Space Marine walks into a bar.....
The bar says 'ouch'.

And sometimes you eat the bar...

A Chaos Space Marine walks into a bar, gets out his flamethrower and burns the building to the ground, killing everyone.

CSMs: Razing the bar since M9999.

A Chaos Space Marine walks into a bar, gets out his flamethrower and burns the building to the ground, killing everyone.

CSMs: Razing the bar since M9999.

Usually puns make me groan, but this one was pretty good.

A bunch of orks have a Space Marine pinned in a trench. After 45 min's of stalemate, the Space Marine calls out "A Space marine is worth any 2 Orks!" Hearing this the Nob knows he has to answer this insult, and sends 2 of his best fighters into the trench. Gunshots, crashing and screaming, then silence. Just when the Nob is about to go investigate the Space Marine calls out "A Space marine is worth any 3 Orks!" So again the Nob sends in 3 of his boyz. Gunshots, crashing and screaming, then silence. Again, when the Nob thinks everything is settled, the Space Marine calls out "A Space marine is worth any 5 Orks!" Sending in 5 more boyz, the Nob is sure this will be the end of it. Gunshots, crashing and screaming, then silence. And again, "A Space marine is worth any 10 Orks!" Gunshots, crashing and screaming, then silence, but this time 2 boyz come staggering back to the Mob. "What tha 'ell 'appened in der?" asked the Nob. The larger boy asnwered "He lied boss. Dere was two of em!"

@ lordhat-lol, that was gold...

A Space Marine walks into the Apothecarium with a Nurgling on his head.
"By the Emperor" the apothicary cries "how on terra did that get there?"
Then the Nurgling says "well it started out as a wart on my butt and it grew..."

what do you call a Lasgun with a laser-sight? Twin-linked

A whole bunch of Space Marines walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey you! We don't serve your kind here you degenerate!"
Black Templar says "What?! Cause I'm sodomist?"
Ultramarine says "What?! Cause I'm paedophiliat sodomist?"
Dark Angel says "What?! Cause I'm a tranvestite?"
Space Wolf says "What?! Cause I enjoy the company of our four-legged cousins?"
Blood Angel says "What?! Cause I like to drink the fluids of other men?"
Damnned Legionnaire says "What?! Cause I'm a necrophilic sodomist?"
Flesh Tearer says "What?! Cause I'm a necrophilic sodomist cannibal?"
Bartender says "No, no, no! I mean him!" Points to the Imperial Fist.
Imperial Fist says "What? Cause I'm wearing a vote Generic Political Candidate #47X3 button?"
Bartender says "Yes!"
So they throw the Imperial Fist out and then some 12 year old kids beat the crap out of him.
This is because Generic Political Candidate #47X3 is the Sux. I mean seriously, didn't we already try electing the president's family? How did that work out?

-=Edit=- Sorry, KK, gotta edit out the political commentary. - Iorek

"Edit out the political commentary"?

I was under the impression that political conversations were off topic but that one-off jokes about politics were kosher.

Hmm.

Bartenders (should) never allow religion or politics into their domain. That could be the joke, no matter which Generic Political Candidate #47X3 is being talked about.

bigchris1313 wrote:"Edit out the political commentary"?

I was under the impression that political conversations were off topic but that one-off jokes about politics were kosher.

Hmm.

Man, I was tempted to fix your typo, BC!

Political conversations are allowed, but this seemed to be a bit harsh regarding that candidate. Like always, if you think I'm in the wrong, you can PM Yakface and he can take me to task.

Well, you need to tell me who the candidate is! I didn't get a chance to read the original. Of course, it appears to be everyone's favorite crybaby. With whom the voters can empathize, of course.

Burn!

Meh I was thinking of deleting it anyway, I was feeling unusually bitter when I wrote it.

So an Ork walks into a bar, bartender says "Git outta here! We don't serve your kind!"
Ork says "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

An ork Nob came upon a terrible truck wreck where the driver and all the boyz had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little squig came out of the bush and hopped around the crashed Truck. The Nob looked down at the squig and said "I wish you couldz talk."
The sqig looked up at the Nob and shook his head up and down.
"You knows what I'm saying?" asked the Nob.
Again, the squig shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see dis?"
"Yes," motioned the squig.
"What happened ere?"
The squig pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"Dey were drinking?" asked the nob.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking squigoth dug?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying da boyz were drinking, and smoking squigoth dug before dey wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all dis?"
"Driving" motioned the squib.

at one point, you forget to replace the word monkey with squig....

A Necron leaves a bar saying: "I'll be back."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Commissar was sitting at his desk when a lowly Guardsman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the Commissar quickly picked up the communicator, told the Guardsman to enter, then said into the mic, "Yes, Primarch Dorn, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the Guardsman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your communicator."

akira5665 wrote:Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Commissar was sitting at his desk when a lowly Guardsman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the Commissar quickly picked up the communicator, told the Guardsman to enter, then said into the mic, "Yes, Primarch Dorn, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the Guardsman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your communicator."

Ha! Stuff like that's funny.

7 guardsmen were "volunteered" for a dangerous mission by the comissar. He led them into the jungle to the banks of a wide, turgid river filled with amphibious carnosaurs. The commisar turns to the men and says the first one to swim across this river and activate the suspensor bridge will be rewarded with his hearts desire. No one wants to go. When he turns his back to them to draw his bolt pistol for a summary execution, he suddenly hears a splash. He turns around to see a lone recruit swimming quickly across the river. After the recruit pulls himself out on the other side and activates the bridge, the rest cross safely. The commisar rushes up to him praising his faith in the emperor and his commitment to duty. The commisar asks, "tell me what is your hearts desire?" Without pausing the trooper answers, "to know the name of the fether that pushed me in"


A ganger walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, the bar tender asks,"hey, where'd ya get that?"
The parrot answers,"the Underhive, theres millions of 'em"

What do you call a grot with no legs?
Nuffin, he won't come when you call him anyway.

How many inquisitors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, they hold up the light bulb and the universe revolves around them.

How many farseers?
I knew that was gonna go out.

How many space marines?
Thats the techs job.