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I've rustled up my old list!

Ways to annoy gamers:

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook (hours of fun).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that it?s his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says Warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Pour cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

Pardon?
I found this list a couple of years ago on the FLG forums.

I founds it!

Boreale Addressing His Troops
SPESS MEHREENS, TODEH THE ENEMEH IS AT OUR DOAR! WE KNOW OUR DUTEH AND WE WILL DO EHT. WE FIGHT FOR OUR HORNOUR AS BLUHD REHVENS, AS SPESS MEHREENS, AND WE FIGHT IN THE NEHME OF THE EMPRA!

AND IF WE DIE THIS DEH WE DIE IN GLOARY. WE DIE HEAROES' DEFFS-BUT WE SHALL NORT DIE-NO IT IS THE ENEMEH WHO WILL TEHSTE DEFF AND DEFEAT! AS YOU KNOW...

MOAST OF OUR BATTLE BROTHERS ARE STEHTIONED IN SPESS, PRUHPEARED TO DEEP STRIKE! OUR PERIMETER HAS BEEN PRUHPEARED IN THE EVENT THEHT OUR ENEMEHS SHOULD BE SO BALD AND SO FOOLISH. WE HAVE PLEHCED NUMEROUS BEACONS, ALLOWING FOAR MULTIPLE, SIMULTEHNEOUS, AND DEVEHSTEHTING DEFENSIVE DEEP STRIKES.

THE CODECKS ASTARTEES NEHMES THIS MANEUVAH STEEL REHN. WE WILL DESCEND UPON THE FOE, WE WILL OVAHWHELM THEM - WE WILL LEAVE NONE ALIVE! MEANWHILE OUR GROUND FOARCES WILL ENSURE THE FULL DEFENSE OF OUR HEADKWARTERS.

WE ARE THE SPESS MEHREENS! WE ARE THE EMPRA'S FUREH!

How Boreale lost his 'voice'
Scene starts as Thule defeats Gorgutz in Dark Crusade. Gorgutz flees the Green Beach and is currently on his Ork ship. Indrick Borale is in his personal Thunderhawk with Techmarine brother Spasmius heading towards the Litany of Fury. Brother Spasmius had an unclear mind due to seeing a daemonette on imperial television, and hence drove Brother Captain Boreale into Gorgutz' ship, looking for Gabriel Angelos.

Nob- Isn't that 'umie un of 'ose wez got trash'd up by? Gorgutz- Nah, that 'umie looks dumb, and 'ez talks funny too. Must be un of 'ose Chaos Boyz we'z stomped on. Nob- What shall we do boss? Stomp on 'im? Gorgutz- Move aside ya git. 'ez mine.

Gorgutz smashes up Boreale, leaving him with no teeth and a even more damaged brain. Boreale stumbles back into his thunderhawk, Gorgutz gleefully picking up his teeth.

"Brother Spessmius... Where are weh?"

Brother Captain Boreale's Bad Day
Boreale made doubly sure his armour was perfectly polished. He checked his sword scabbard and pistol holster. He fitted his Purity Seals on and ensured that his breastplate decorations were positioned correctly. He held his helmet under his arms. As he turned from his massive planning table, he checked his reflection in one of his other suits of Power Armour. Tall, large, inspiring. Perfectly presented, every inch an Imperial Space Marine.

His hair was still very short, but Boreale had begun to accept that. Even after two hundred years, his hair (or lack therof) bothered him. But it wasn’t the worst thing. That would be his speech.

He had been fighting his speech for years. He was an inspirational speaker, able to turn his formidable speech-composition skills to demagoguery or fiery rhetoric. He always wrote and delivered his own speeches, and he strongly believed in the importance of words as an element of leadership. But he always struggled with the same thing:

Pronunciation. A more obdurate enemy than any he had ever faced.

He mouthed the words of his speech to himself, very softly, as he looked into his reflection on the chestplate of a Power Armour suit.

“Space Marines, today is the day…” the words came out very softly, but they were correct. Perhaps today WOULD be the day? Perhaps today he would get it right, and deliver the greatest speech of his entire illustrious career? He continued to practise: “today is the day we serve the…Empr-…Empera…Emperor. Tode-today…” He took a deep breath and started again:

“Today is the day we serve the Emperor by putting our lives, minds and souls in the line of duty in His name, and in service to the Imperium….”

He was doing well so far. Perhaps today would be the day indeed.

Confident with his initial success, Boreale straightened himself out to his full height of about nine feet. It had been only days since the attack on their Stronghold by the Sisters of Battle, where he had personally defeated Canoness Agna in single combat. The woman had charged in towards him, full of righteous fury, and screaming a challenge. Meeting her with his own blade and screaming his own battle cry (it unfortunately came out as FOR THE EMPRA, in the heat of battle), Boreale had overwhelmed her with superior speed and strength, and she had fallen on her sword rather than let him strike the killing blow.

Regrettable that it came to fighting the Empe..Emperor’s servants as such, but necessary. Necessary for the survival of the Imperium and mankind, necessary to please the Emperor and the Unknown Primarch. Necessary. No, essential!

Boreale gritted his jaw, and corrected his sword one last time. It was time.

He stepped out onto the podium where hundreds of Blood Ravens stood assembled silently and unmoving, waiting for his words. He felt confidence fill him the likes of which he had never felt. Today would indeed be the day.

Boreale drew a deep breath.

“BROTHERS!”

…

“TODEH WE SERVE THE EMPRA!”

Some things just never changed.

Boreale in Therapy
"Space marines. Suh-Pay-Seh Ma-Reens. Space Marines," Brother Tullus nodded, "Now, you try."


"Sp-Sp-SPESS-"
"No, no, ACE. AAAACE."
"EHSSS"
"Ace."
"Ace."
"Good. Now say 'Spay."
"Spay."
"Now say both of them."
"Spay. Ace."
"And all together now."
"Sp-sp-spess."


Brother Tullus delicately plucked the spectacles from the bridge of his nose while the other massaged his much aching head, "No, no, Emperor damn it..."
"I have failed..."
"No, no, no Boreale you-" Tullus leaned back in the chair, as it cried out in protest, trying in vain to think of something-
"THE EMPRAH!"
He fell back out of his chair in surprise at the sudden exclamation.


Brother-Captain Indrick Boreale was but one of many held at the Mental Reclamation Convent of Saint Gimpus, and really, Tullus reflected as he righted his chair, one of the better behaved ones.


For instance, one cell over...


"METAL BOXES!" Came muffled through the wall, shaking the diplomas bespangling it.

STEEL REHN
Steel Rehn

Some steh dry and others feel the pehn

Steel Rehn

Landing drop pods makehs infernahl din

Steel Rehn

Our eterhnel fureh strikes the hearts of mehn

Steel Rehn

Deep strikeh is our vehry own bent

Steel Rehn

No matteh how hard our enemeh’s try

Steel Rehn

They all see our reputashen is no lie

Steel Rehn

Forecast to be fallen yesterdeh

Steel Rehn

Yet it will likeleh also fall todeh

Steel Rehn

We fall to earth at enormouehs rates

Steel Rehn

The Empra’s foes cannot stop ourh haet

Steel Rehn

Our drop pods coveh the light of dehy

Steel Rehn

Our enemeh’s flee but there is no weyh

Steel Rehn

Fiereh blood rushing throuegh our vehns

Steel Rehn

Afteh we finish we prepare to fall back down agaihn

Steel Rehn

We are called dowehn by the radio

Steel Rehn

The purpose is to gain grouend controhl

Steel Rehn

We could not call it aneh otherh nayme

Steel Rehn

Everything else soundehd quite insayhn

Steel Rehn

We are preparing to fall onceh moreh now

Steel Rehn

The Empra will someday rewaredh us, somehow

Boreale stopped singing once he reached the end of what he had composed, and sat down silently, sitting his head in his hands. On paper, it was brilliant, a hymn that could be sung by billions of the Emperor’s servants across thousands of worlds in countless joyous anthems. But what was the point if he couldn’t sing it properly himself?

Boreale's Death
Boreale met his end when he accidentally bit his exceptionally long tongue with his superhuman strength. He usually left his mouth open for a while to allow his tongue to slide in,which was one of the many factors that affected his speech. However, he had overworked himself during his therapy and bit his tongue with his teeth, causing him to die of pain that even an Astarte could not endure.

Unsurprisingly, his death has now been confirmed in Dawn of War II. The Kaurava system campaign is remembered with shame and epic failure by the rest of the Blood Ravens.

Is no-one liking the Spess Mehrens fluff?

That's not funny, that's an Orky monologue.

Now, I won't provide a direct link to it, but on 1d4chan.org there is a gay rape story involving a space marine and an ork. Search for it if your dare;

halonachos wrote:

JD21290 wrote:of course stone, im sure imperial requirements are no bigger than A cup to fit into the carapace armour.

Carapace armor? Do you think a woman could ever be a stormtrooper? Joking here.

I mean, more than an A cup would probably penetrate the flak armor they give to standard IG troops. I mean, what doesn't pierce flak armor.

The women would be in the front lines though, I mean every male guardsman would be behind them looking at their arses and drooling.

Do you REALLY want pictures of Stormtrooper porn? I have them, and I'm not afraid to use them.

This forum is the strangest place I have ever seen in my 15 years and 7 months of life.

Although, if you REALLY want it, I can give you porn of things you wouldn't expect.

How many Slaaneshi Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

That piece of humour is badly written. 100 casualties for the Spess Mehrens is a massive loss; an entire company. Author fails.

/fluff nazi

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Kharn
I win the thread.

What hat?

I don't wear hats.

I demand to know why Commissar Calgar is not on that list.

And it's damn annoying.

Just found this gem whilst browsing 4chan...

I had to cut myself after seeing that.

But Jesus WAS arabic. It's a truth the fundamentalists don't accept.

That's what your mother said last night.

Awesome. Is this the longest-lasting thread on Dakka bar stickies?

Maybe it should be a Black And White Space Marine Carrying A Black And White Bike.

You have fehled the Empra, Gwar.

WARNING: the link below is NOT safe for work, school, or anywhere you might get in trouble. You may be sickened and offended. You have been warned.
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Squad_broken
It's still hilarious.

Damn right. They can sexualise anything. Yes, even potplants and chairs.

Because it's effing hilarious.

And you know you love it.

My work here is done.

BUT I'M SO ALONE!

Fire Warrior is awesome.

Don't knock it, because I know where you live.

Eht ehs not eh lehsp, it ehs ahn inherehnt speech impehdehment.

I fear I have forever scarred your minds.

Excellent.

Gwar is not a child, he is an ancient and immortal evil that has trolled throughout the ages.

Then suddenly, Sly Marbo!